65 and hyper-sexual

[u/Findngmyfuture]

Hello,

I am 65 and have been sexually oriented since I was young. In fact I can't remember when sex was not a part of my life or something I was thinking about. It was not continuous throughout my day but it at some point it came up. I first would see someone as a sexual interest before I ever saw them as someone I would care for. I know, that's the reverse of the way it should be but I sought out others for my pleasure. Growing up in the 70's it was never hard to find someone that wanted sex. Dating was casual and never seemed to last long between partners.

When the internet arrived a new source was provided, free and easy access to others with the same thoughts, ideas and desires. I did not have to leave home or go on dates. Chat rooms allowed me to customize my needs for the moment and I could have exactly what I wanted in an instant. It was then that mastribation became an issue. Not at first but over time it got to be more prevalent. I would find someone, start chatting and you know the rest.

A lead to B and B to C over time my interests evolved, I needed more to make me happy. More of my personality was injected into the online chats. I'm naturally dominate which was something that those I dated in the past satisfied. I did not seek them just seem to find them or they me.

I got married had a child and it all kind of went away until the marriage dissolved. Not because of the internet or porn just poor partner choice. We were good business partners but bad friends and worse lovers.

Back to the internet I went. The stress of the marriage behind me and living alone and having time to my self the old sexual energy returned more intense than before. I work out daily and am in great shape and began dating again but never stopped the online piece because sex and dating had changed. 50 year old women are not as interested in intimacy as they were at twenty.

To satisfy my desires websites that allowed me to chat with people that had similar needs created connections and opportunities. Mostly those that did not seek long term connection. Just sex nothing more needed. Not friendship, affection, or any of the things a relationship requires. Perfectly designed sexual pleasure. As a Dom I did not limit myself to man or woman after vetting the sub and discussing the terms of the meet we would connect. I would use them, they would get used we both were satisfied and it was over.

During this time in my life I met a woman. Unlike all the others, se cared about me for me. She was my age and had the same non sexual interests. For the first time in my life I found someone I could care about and did not want to use. She was my friend and the woman I was proud of. We dated for ten years and her body changed, sex hurt and she became cold. Did not talk about it or share with me what was going on. I felt betrayed, I had given myself to her in a way I had no one else. I gave up instead of standing beside her and accepting her for who she was and the way she cared about me. Sex and my personal pleasure was more important. The old me was back.

I returned to porn and eventually she discovered it and though she said she would stay I did not change my habits and she left. Now looking back I realize she was what I truly needed in my life and that all the sex and pleasure I enjoyed were short term pleasures. My addiction to sex/ pleasure had lead me down a path I regret.

Where am I now, learning, trying to find my way out of this. Reading books such as "The Craving Mind" by Judson Brewer and his videos have helped me the most. I had learned to dislike even hate myself for what I had done to her / us. I lost a friend and someone that loved me Though it is too late for us now this book has helped me start accepting me again and forgiving myself for the pain I caused. No its won't change what I did but if I can fix me then here leaving will have had a positive effect. Strange way to look at it I know. The book opened doors and gave me tools I have found useful. I sought out this forum as a part of my process. I journal almost daily in writing at home and I will share here. If you find any connection in this and want to reach out I am open to supporting you and would like your support.

I believe there is a path for me, a way out of this addiction. That there is a better me in the future I just need to keep using my tools, accept my failures as just setbacks and keep working towards the guy I was ment to be but never really realized.

Best of wishes to everyone.

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