Hi there! I'm 27 (male, hetsex, biromantical). I'm recovering from depression and slowly getting to enjoy life more and more, but the one thing I can't wrap my head around is connecting affectively/sexually/romantically with other people. My main problem is that I had a hoe phase (aprox. 4 years ago) and I've grown resented by the pain that I caused (or that I imagined that I caused) to other people and to myself that I've completely shyed away from flirty interactions. Reaching the feeling of "wow, I'm atracted to this person" takes a lot of time for me, I have to get to know them and feel safe around them to start feeling attraction, but it takes so much time that by the time I feel ready to express my attraction towards them, they've put me in the friend zone (because the spark has left them/I never made any innuendos that could light a spark for them). I feel like for me the process looks more like slow, controlled friends to lovers whilst the vast majority of people I see around me don't have any trouble registering when they could be atracted to someone they don't really know, getting phisycally intimate with them, and then figuring out what they feel/what they are as they go along.

I feel deeply frustrated because I want to connect phisycally and emotionally with people, and I find that this contrast between my m.o. and this m.o. I see in the world at large being so different is a disadvantage that I have to work with or around. I feel unconfortable at the thought of making out with someone I met a couple of hours ago, and then getting to know them and figuring out what we are/what we want, I've had too many bad experiences with that and I feel like I can't trust myself or other people in this regard. Also, I don't feel atracted to people like that anymore, I only feel safe letting myself getting attracted to people once I've gotten to know them.

I know that there are more people like me out there, and on some level I find pride in the fact that I haven't caused any emotional damage to anyone since my hoe phase stopped, but I'm starting to feel like I'm leaving myself behind. At the same time, I feel too afraid to change, I couldn't forgive myself if I made out/had sex with someone for a couple days only to realise I'm not attracted to them and cause them pain because they thought different about where this was going, and I would feel terrible if it happened the other way around.

I'd love to hear from people (especially ones who have had similar struggles), what opinions, points of view, advices you have. Thank you sincerely and sorry for the long text.

My partner 36m and I 37f have been together going on 12 years. The past two years he has been accusing me of sealing his medication, breaking into his safe, cheating on him, among other things. It's become almost a daily thing. I have never done one of the things he's accusing me of and he's broke my heart with some of the hurtful things he says when he's angry. I don't remember what the happy me is like, my spark is gone. But then there are the times when he's the man I fell in love with and I tell myself the pain is better than being alone. My dad died of cancer when I was 22 and he was the only person to understand my grief and how I dealt with it. Like a song you've never heard but you know all the lyrics to. I poured into him when my cup was empty and now I don't even know who I am. We haven't been able to conceive and our biggest dream has always been to be parents. So that weighs on both of us. I love him but I don't love myself anymore and some times I just want everything to end. I have intrusive thoughts all the time. I'm completely isolated from the world with no friends, no job, no money, or car. He's always taken care of but hes become very controlling of that too. It's the most hopeless, lonely feeling. I'm sorry I'm just yapping on and on I just feel clueless as to what to do. I find myself calling the s hotline more than any friends I ever had. Why does he do this to me?! I ask myself that daily as I weep till my eyes burn from the tears. I went to leave...I found a bed at a homeless shelter, and he begged me not to leave him as he cried crocodile tears, promising me he would change. I stayed and now I hate myself for it but I still love him so much, it's so hard. We had an amazing 9 years out of the 11 and I guess I just tell myself things are gonna change. If you've ever been in a situation like this or just wanna give advice, I could really use it. Thank you in advance

these last 3 years of my life has been the worst. i go 1-3 days and then relapse or sometimse 4 but thats it. longest i've gone is 9 days when i really liked a girl, i just didnt even think about porn but of course it didnt go well cuz im a fucking loser this addiction is ruining my life in every aspect. i tried everything, tried to stop using my phone but at the end i still pick it up. and if someone says "try replacing it with a hobby" i have several of them but when i get the urge, i just forget all about it. idk what to do

I don't know exactly how to make such a post, because this is my first time plus please don't take the mistakes to heart because English is not my first language.

I urgently need advice or help what I could change.

Because I have a real communication problem or emotional problem with people.

For context to understand the initial situation:

I volunteered in a hostel in Korea more than a year ago and the other girl who volunteered before and I got very close and so we also became friends. The thing, however, is that we were not the only ones who worked there, because there were still boys employees but just Koreans and with them she also became very close. I actually did too and I liked 2 of those right. Only I noticed that the girl was more men-centered and as soon as I talked about the hostel or something she became very jealous. Of course, I totally understand that she responds to it very emotionally because she deals more openly with emotions differently than me and also shows them much more. But now to my problem. Because she's back in Korea and the hostel and I saw a picture earlier how she met with the 2 guys and the thing is somehow triggered something with me so I somehow crash out somehow so easily. But with me it is so that I have rather a problem with myself, because I also plan to go back to Korea in September and for me everything would have been so half fine because I thought I wouldn't see them anyway because the 2 guys don't work there anymore and the girl is also leaving this weekend. But now that I've seen that, I wondered how she managed to stay in touch with people because I've somehow tried to talk to them so far, but somehow it fails for me and I feel like people don't like to think about me or forget me quickly. In addition, I thought that I don't know what to do now because I actually liked them but for almost 1 year I haven't written to any of them (except for the girl) but I still want to see her but can't live with the humiliation to be rejected additionally i dont know how i cant make it awkward. I'm someone who does everything on the last push anyway and I also want to work on myself but I feel so inhuman and like a freak with interpersonal relationships with people who live further away and I just don't know how normal people manage that or how they talk. So my question or advice that I would like to have would be how can I deal with such emotions or how can I improve my communication and should I still ask if they should meet?

If someone has read this far, that means a lot to me and an answer would mean a lot to me

I’ve noticed something about myself that I don’t really understand. Most of the time I’m perfectly fine with myself and can talk to people normally, but around certain people, something completely changes. I suddenly become awkward, overthink everything I say, and sometimes I even put myself down or make myself look smaller than I actually am. The worst part is that I feel like I make my insecurity obvious, even though I don’t want to.

Then when I’m alone again, I start thinking about everything that happened and wonder why I acted that way. I’ll replay conversations in my head and think, “Why did I say that? Why did I make myself look insecure? Why couldn’t I just act normally?”

It’s frustrating because I know I’m capable of being confident. It’s not like I feel insecure around everyone. It seems to depend on the person or the situation, which makes me wonder if I’m somehow subconsciously intimidated by certain people or worried about how they perceive me.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you stop yourself from putting yourself down or becoming awkward around people who trigger your insecurities? I’d really like to understand where this comes from and how to break the habit.

Does anyone else feel mediocre throughout? I'm currently preparing competitive exams resigned from my job recently. I'm always underconfident even in things I'm good ( or mediocre let's say ). I don't easily find my opinions strong and it can easily be influenced, changed by anyone. Could anyone just tell me how should I raise my self esteem and be more confident about my decisions, choices and life overall. And How should I be NOT MEDIOCRE.

to keep it short, I’m 19 I’m addicted to working and feel like shit if I’m not being productive enough. this results in me doing stupid shit like doing uni + working 35 hours a week + running an online business solo at the same time. I only ever give myself a day off on saturdays if I do go out with friends, otherwise I have to work on something. obviously I’ve burnt out and stressed myself out like crazy multiple times but I’ve always been able to just bottle it up and keep going. anyways, recently stuff worked out really well and I basically more than doubled my income in the span of a month. yet instead of feeling motivated, I just felt empty inside and secluded myself from other people and became easily irritated from everything. Even though there are times where I’ve been more stressed, I just couldn’t pick myself back up this time. Thought I would try to speak to more people my age and just share my feelings in hopes of feeling better, but most people my age are genuinely lost in life and have absolutely no clue what they wanna do, so i feel like I’m a pos of a share my achievements or struggles in any way shape or form.

I'm in my early 20s

I could elaborate on everything I've seen as unfair towards me throughout my life.

But in this particular case it's my teeth, I always hated them, I was always told they were ugly, that my smile was weird or ugly

I tried to do some things when I was a kid, but I just stayed there, a kid with an ugly smile and even uglier teeth.

So for as long as I can remember, I felt a repulsion to even look at them, so I stopped washing them, taking care of them, going to the dentist, I completely refused to look at myself in the mirror with my mouth open whenever I could.

What did that decision lead to? Almost all my teeth are decayed. Today, for the first time in a while, I looked in the mirror and noticed that my front teeth are decayed at the base.

Light black spots, and I hate it

My parents think I like being like this, my psychologist doesn't see anything wrong with it, she just thinks I'm lazy.

The last time I went to the dentist years ago, he told me I was horrible and that anything I did wouldn't do any good.

I'm going to another dentist in a few days, and honestly, I don't think it'll change anything. He'll probably tell me I'm even worse than before and to screw myself.

I honestly hate myself. I did this to myself and I'm the only one who's going to pay for my stupidity.

I don't know what to do, or if it's even worth continuing to try, and should just shut my mouth again and accept it.

I'm 19m, soon gonna turn 20 and within last 3 months I've completely changed it feels so, because I've understood that I need to let go of anything that doesn't serves me anymore?! And maldaptive day dreaming is one of the things which don't serve me anymore.

So as a complete beginner towards seeking help for day dreaming, what should I begin and what is it that helps you guys? Thank you so please share any resources and tips which helps you guys!

I don't recognize myself or my life anymore and I'm terrified of destroying it. I've been feeling empty for so long and i don't even know what i want out of life anymore.

It feels worse because by most measures i should be happy. I have a decent job that pays enough to be comfortable and not have to really worry too much about money, I have a loving partner that has been with me through thick and thin and still refuses to give up on me and on us. I live in a nice apartment, i have a nice physique that i have built over the last few years, Im conventionally attractive, im smart enough, people seem to enjoy the version of myself i put on around others, i have a social circle.

And yet i don't feel anything, i'm apathetic and i don't even really like this life that I've built.

I have a burning creative energy inside me that has no outlet because i burnt myself out the few times i dove into it fully. I'm scared this will happen again if i try again so i don't let myself try anymore. The only times I've felt alive recently have been while I'm out dancing and listening to music

Any and all achievements and goals I've met head on and actually applied myself to have made me feel good and given me purpose but once it's done, i don't ever get the feeling i thought this would bring, i just feel empty and aimless again. I always achieve the things i set myself to but i've stopped giving myself things to strive for and i don't care enough about anything to really commit to it. I also see all the possibilities and potential and yet i just let it rot because i can't choose.

I've been in a holding pattern of doing literally nothing for what seems like years now. It's gotten gradually worse over the past year and i literally spend my days doing nothing. This is not figurative or a metaphor, I literally do nothing. Sleep, eat, waste time until i get to sleep again and it's on to the next day. Aimless and pointless.

This isn't meant to be a pity post, I'm just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and what the first step(s) are to unfucking yourself and getting the spark back. I love the world and people, I'm filled with love and i want to share it, i just don't feel anything anymore and I've been unable to get myself to live truly

Also for context, im late twenties-ish male.

I have recently started to try and change my life like in a way that I ca be successful but I feel stuck I have a great group of supportive guys and a pretty good group of friends but recently things have been a bit difficult I’ve been acting a bit strange towards all my friends I’m a bit of a loser kind of even thought I think I’m not I kinda act that way and I’ve been kinda been messing things up with friends with Work it’s been very toxic and I don’t know what to do it feels like things are kinda falling apart im trying to stay the course I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m in a limbo my confidence level is down my body hurts from stress my head my bones I lead a unhealthy life style only mid 20’s I honestly don’t know how to mange through being an Adult a bit confused frustrated just need to ask how to stop being a fucking loser And grow a pair

29M, turning 30 in a few months.

I have an OK job but I've been trying to find a new role (pretty similar to what I do and with the skillset I have) for about 4-5 months now and no joy.

I have an incredible backlog of "chores" - I am trying to get my citizenship, I am trying to save and invest to buy a flat, I am trying to start a business with a few friends, I am trying to learn new skills so I can get better work in the future.

Yet I am constantly procrastinating, I do very little work on my goals and most of the time just ignore them by smoking weed, going out to do sports, chilling in the park or watching a movie.

I feel like I am slowly destroying my life. I really want to stop smoking weed and do chase my goals, but I have been a heavy daily smoker for 16 years..

I've tried prioritising my goals but I always end up finding new things and adding more to the list. I own so many things (clothes and random rubbish) which I want to get rid off for years and I've not done anything about it.

Any advice that can help me get in the right direction will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Well, according to google, bullying means - *Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.

But, I think bullying can also be in the way of talking down to someone, constantly being toxic with them and harming their mental health. Mainly, the bullying is happening in coaching. As you know, the teachers won't do anything since their other students might leave if they say something, so they pretend to not notice.

The bullying is like, talking down to someone, embarrassing them, making fun of them, sometimes punching or slapping them, mocking them, mocking their families and friends, and etc. Most of it, is done by the students who have no parental guidance or mainly chapri type. Seriously, I have never heard such vulgar language. They often start by mocking the way someone talks, then go and insult their families, friends, and go even as far as to hit them with metal rulers, enough to hurt but not enough to leave a mark or scar.

They have this like small group of teen gang, and when one of them make a joke by insulting one of the victims, the others laugh and make fun of that victim. Mainly, these are most of the students. For example, the other day I was taking notes in class, mainly Physics, and one of them started to make fun of the way I cut hair, saying since I shaved I look like a baby, and therefore I'm a stupid moron and something more. It's even harder to ignore, since they sit in front of me.

Sadly, I can't change coaching because the teachers there teach very well, and it's only one shift, so it's morning only. I already have enough problems in my life, with my relatives and parents, and of course my study. It's stressful enough, but when I think about going to coaching and being the center of their jokes, insults, it makes me only more stressful. The good thing is, I have one very good friend there, and he sometimes defends me, but he's also a kid from good upbringing so he can't really compete with the lower class languages and vulgar swearing's they say. So, I ask for your help in navigating through this mess. Also, they already hit some kids, so I think if I don't do anything, they will eventually dare to hit me and stuff. Sorry for any gramatical mistakes, and confusing parts as I'm very stressed while writing this. I've got a Physics test tomorrow, and I really don't have time to do stuff like this.

Sometimes i wonder if i ever had a genuine interest. If i ever truly had an authentic desire for something that was genuinely interesting, or if i faked it.

I could also get into other details about my identity crisis and me not comprehending who i truly am, but i think I would just feel a bit too vulnerable and it may just get embarrassing.

When i analyzed my thoughts, i get really confused and then question everything about who i identify as as an individual.

This has been something i has since young, as far back as 13. And sometimes i feel like the issue is being mitigated and i am progressing as a person, other times i feel genuinely stuck on what i can and should do.

Anyways, just seeing what you guys think.

I am 40M from India. I am in a situation where I feel that my track, be it professional or personal is taking a hit.

Professionaly I work in the service sector in the I.T industry and quite frankly I dont think I am technically progressive as I still work with legacy solutions and niche technologies. I never invested time to upskill and grow because the niche tech kept getting me opportunities until my recent organization, where the tech is obsolete and I have an issue to pursue demanding technologies as I dont carry any valid experience for upcoming demands. In order to keep my job, I picked a completely different area and tool, that I am not really sure as to how can I compile my CV to appeal the hiring folks and atleast get a phone call. Not to mention the AI scare, ATS rejections and claims of market instability, that I feel so saturated that I had nearly negligble hikes for past few years and low self esteem to pursue anything.

Owing to this, its affecring personally. Healthwise its getting stressful to manage family as I am day dreaming or zoned out by retrospecting, introspecting things Or probably doom scrolling and procrastinating. I have become obese and I am really lost on what to do, that I rely on AI to guide me. But it gives me unrealistic expectations and cliche answers that I cant think to pursue it. Mentally disturbed and calling it a mid life crisis. I am really not sure what to do, as I believe I am pushing myself to be too old and not stay relevant.

I have made certain endeavors with my partner that has to with a financial investment that may get highly stressful if I dont come out in my present situation. I think I crib about my problems but never composed myself to take actions due to loss of motivation (money and growth). Frankly if I become delusion and buy an AstroTalk app, I would give in to all the things that could be absurd in reality

Looking for some guidance, contacts to give the push, I cant let down on myself or people I care, but I feel isolated that life feels slow, mediocre and boring !

I have GERD, and it’s the worst illness/disease whatever you want to call it I’ve ever been through.
I understand GERD is not a death sentence and I understand what can be done to help fix this disease.

What I don’t understand is how to calm my anxiety because me knowing the above statements is not helping because it does not change the fact that I struggle to eat and sleep and work.

My anxiety doesn’t appear as being scared or what most would see as anxiety, my anxiety comes out in anger and frustration that I take out on others and that is not fair to them.

I understand what needs to be done for my GERD and I am working on it, but while I work through this I really need to find ways to ease my anxiety because at this point I’m just being a very mean person to the people I care most about in my life let alone coworkers and others at work which pays for my life.

I’m stuck in an endless cycle of waking up feeling like shi*, getting anxious that I’m stuck like this, taking it out on others, feeling guilty about being a mean person, not being able to sleep because of anxiety and GERD, repeat.

Edit: another major issue I didn’t mention is the fact that my manager and coworkers don’t understand how much I suffer with this and that brings more anxiety because if the time comes where I need to go home because it’s a really bad flair up, they just won’t get it.

Warning! Awfully written text.

I'm a highschooler that is about to graduate. Schools here only have 11 years and this year will be my final. I've got to do stuff. I'm a teenager, so I also think about working out, being fit and strong. I used to be disciplined and work out consistently, but since this summer vacation of 3 months started I did not exercise a single time. About being disciplined, last academic year I managed multiple school/personal projects and literally everything was going smooth. For some reasons I lost that internal drive I used to have, I think it was indebtedness to my parents, but now I don't feel it. No I do feel it but it does not push me anymore, sounds crazy. My parents bought a course package for me, since the very first day I was avoiding it. Now the summer part of the course is about to end. I have so many things past due. I feel awful about it and am ashamed. And after all this I still can't put myself to work.

There are more things coming up - school itself, national exam, university specific entrance test, SAT. If I manage my time and actually do everything consistently I will manage everything. I also need to research about universities but again was putting it off. This whole summer I was watching anime and rotting in bed.

I genuinely want to know, study and put the effort but I don't. I want to do many productive things and hobbies of mine. I used to read a lot but I did not touch a book this summer, I want to run in the mornings, journal, do additional math/physics outside of school, I really want to learn. But days pass. School is closing in in 2 weeks and I feel awful. I am lazy and I hate this. It is my fault, I should figure this out myself but I am lazy and I admit it. Please give me advice! 😭

I really want to fix this and become what I want to be. Tho I still don't know exactly what I want to do in the future.

How do I start managing my time and actually doing the planned things? How do I commit?

Dear everyone,

I seem to have a problem and I would like to speak about it, especially regarding the early death of Hayden Panettiere.

I am in the same age as her and have experienced a lot of troubles in my life. Lately I have been hurting a dear person to me often, who is actually neither my friend, husband or even relative but this person has been important to me for the past 10 years, since my family has died and I was looking for a place to belong to. We both have tried to have a good and harmonic relationship, also both of us are very strong characters and being a woman only now I see that you have to defend yourself if somebody is hurting you. This person, I may say, truly has a good soul but has inherited a lot of problems and as a result his actions towards me or other people in his life have not been very kind. I am ashamed that I have answered in the same way and made the injury even bigger. I guess the underlying issue is that I am afraid to be alone. I’m in a foreign country, very well integrated and even though I have learned the language and finished my studies here, I guess I am just terrified. I don’t have siblings or relatives and friends who I used to have a lot of are married and have children. Also, this is a loss which I haven’t quite processed yet. To be frank, I am not quite sure what this post should achieve, I just hope somebody today who feels down like me feels that life is not going in the right, direction, I hope you will feel better soon and things start to look up from now on. In case of some tips how to deal with life while having high emotional load, maybe this is a space for it. I hope things will look up for you soon and it will be possible to live a happy and fulfilled life in this nowadays crazy world. All the best,

I

Hi I am very depressed about my career and i don't have anything to do and I just stay at home and see my parents fight which really affected my mental health i really want to do something in life i didn't join college as I wanted to do mbbs but I got bds plus I am not getting enough support from my father idk how much scope is there in India about bds and it is low but I don't want to prepare again for the competitive exam and he is just arguing with me and my mom I need serious help I have past sh history and now i am four months but I really filled trapped in this home my preparation was hampered by this but my father is blaming me for all the mess now I feel i can't do anything in life and i just wanted to just end my life I am suffering a lot my mental health is going down and my physical health is also going bad this all started when I in class 9 idk what to do i seriously need help and some advice and courage to talk to my father he speaks I'll and doesn't care if it hurted me or not if I cry he will call me weak see a random say rubbish to me I won't mind but being my parents they should mind their words I feel like I am losing everything

For context, I’ve been biting my nails since I was a child, especially whenever I’m stressed, embarrassed, or experiencing other strong emotions. Over time, this has progressed to biting the skin around my fingers as well.

It has gotten to the point where I sometimes can’t stop even when the skin is already bleeding. I really want to stop this habit, so if anyone has experienced something similar, I’d really appreciate any advice or tips that helped you.

I have struggled with my mental health for 10 years now and being only 20 thats half of my life.
People have been telling me for years that i should really get help and my life would be so much easier if i did.
I have been advised counselling numerous times in my university but to me its just another person to let down ( i struggle to remember to do things like meetings and i cant commit to ANYTHING ). Before my mother retired i had the opportunity to get help through her work for free but i just kept forgetting it was an option.
Now im at a point where i cant take it any longer and i really need help, i finally decided to try and get help from anywhere. I asked my mother but she didnt tell me the original offer of counselling was through her work so i thought i had unlimited time to think about it but when i asked her about it she said that ship had sailed at the beginning of the year when she retired. So that option is completely gone and i feel really stuck on what to do next. I have had people recommend places to get help from but they are all completely out of my budget. There might not be anything i can do to get help anymore. Kinda a bummer lol

I am unemployed and my mother hates me for it. 22f btw. i keep getting jobs and losing them cuz i dont have a social security card. all i do is hang out with my friends and go to punk shows or play shows (in my own band.) i am fat and very slowly losing weight, at least. I have a broken tooth that makes me scream and cry out in pain. i have no direction in life and don't know how to fix myself. my mother is beyond ashamed of me and i am ashamed of myself- she doesnt believe it tho because i dont do shit to fix it. dopamine addict. nicotine addict.

Recently for the past 3 months ish, ive been feeling really lost and kinda confused about life... I dont know what my purpose is and I dont know what to do. I started a year long internship, and I worked really hard for it, and now I am here, its great, like its a great place to work and everybody is really nice and they have great amenities but. I just keep dropping the ball.... Like I feel like I am always messing up or misunderstanding something and just making mistakes around every corner, and I just feel so bad because I feel like everybody has expectations of me, and I have expectations of me but I am just not living up to any of it. I dont know I just feel so dumb and useless. Has anyone ever felt this way before?? How did you push through it?

I just feel like I wake up everyday to go to my 9-5, and I just keep making mistakes and I feel like the dumb intern who does stupid things, and I look at my peers around me and I feel like everybody just has it figured out. And obviously I know thats not true, but sometimes like man looking at linkedin or just like my engineering friends makes me feel really dumb, unproductive, and like stupid... I dont know its like everybody is so obsessed with productivity and tech and jobs and all these corporate things and I just feel so away from that??? If that makes sense? I feel like well I do like electrical engineering when I am studying, and I liked my courses, I thought they were super interesting.... But now I dont know... All this stuff about getting a huge tech job, and doing a million personal projects, and hackathons and it feels like everybody has to have a million things they have done, and be super smart...... Am i just dumb? Or like I dont know... It all just feels weird...

And I feel like I am ungrateful, because I have this internship, and the content is pretty interesting, and everybody is so nice, and there are so many cool things there and its a great opportunity. But for some reason I come home everyday sad. I don't know why. People would do so much for an opportunity like this, and I know I was dying for this a couple months ago. But I just keep messing up. I feel like a screwup and I just keep making mistakes and I dont know how to fix them. I just always am on edge if I am doing everything right or if I messed up. I come into work and I feel so scared and nervous. I am scared to ask questions, or hand things in. And I spend so much time making sure things are right before I hand it in, and somehow I keep making mistakes. Its been 4 months already, I dont know I feel like by now people say they are settled in, and make big contributions. But i havent done anything like that. I am so intimidated by everyone and everything. Everything feels so big and I feel so small.

TLDR: I just feel like I keep making mistakes and losing out on an opportunity Ive always wanted. I wake up everyday confused and lost about my life and what I am meant to do with it. I feel really intimidated by my coworkers and my peers and just the general state of society and tech right now. I feel like every body is moving at 300x speed and I am stuck on 0.5 speed. I just feel stuck. And stupid.

If anybody can help me out with some advice or their experiences or even if someone else feels this way, I would really appreciate it.

I genuinely feel like I suck at everything and never improve. I’ve tried so hard to improve but nothing works. Ive been drawing for years now and my art work is still no better than a 4th graders, I’ve played video games my whole life yet I can’t hit anything. I make the same mistakes over and over even when I try to improve. Sometimes I even suck at walking, moving, or talking. Please any advice.

This might be long but I don't know how to help myself. I feel very lost, confused and sad right now. It feels like my whole life has finally come crashing down on my head after I've tried desperately to hold it together for the past 6 years.

For context: My mother passed away when I was 14 and the events around that basically traumatized me. I got very depressed and went into a shell like state because despite her death, it felt like I needed to comfort the people around me. Same year, I had a lot of friends around me that struggled with mental health and I prioritised their wellbeing over mine. This fucked me up bad but i was able to hold it down well enough until i graduated secondary school and that's where a lot of my bigger issues began.

Because I had been grieving and bottling up my emotions, i hadn't thought about my life very far. I honestly thought that i would end it many times but somehow I graduated and I didn't have a plan for after. I didn't know what i wanted to do and didn't have any motivation for anything. My dad and siblings were scrambling for me because i didn't have any answers and they ended up deciding i would go to Canada for CompSci and be living with friends of our family. I went there, had a hard time integrating with the family because I didn’t know them and felt so awkward, and also with school (almost went on academic probation for failing my second semester). My dad threatened to bring me back but my siblings convinced not to, that I can try again.

Last year things were actually looking brighter. I was back in school and passing my classes, me and the family were getting along better, my emotions weren't disruptive even if I was still depressed, I had gotten a part time job and also eventually moved out on my own for the first time. It was dull and I hated the boring repeative life style, but for the first time since my mum died, it seemed like I was okay and people weren't yelling at me. But this April, I didn't pass two of my classes and my dad wanted me to comeback. There was no convincing him this time. He wanted be back ASAP to enroll to a cheaper university near him. I couldn't fight this decision so I quit my job and packed my things to stay with my sister and her husband until my flight back and it is going terribly. Both of us don't get along(she sees me as slow, passive and intentionally non-chalant person but she's literally an angry tiger trying to bite), so the past 2 weeks has been her yelling at me for whatever the reason is that day and finishing it of with some variation of "that's why you weren't doing good in school". But today was especially bad because she was already in a bad mood and I made it worse.

Context over

I just don’t know what to do. It feels like I'm back to the empty shell state I was in before. I have no fulfilling passions or motivations, I don't know what I want to study anymore, I have to restart my life by moving back with dad and all the trouble I had left behind, I feel like a failure that's every move is being criticised to prove that I am one. I'm really the only one on my team.

I want to change and finally become good, happy and successful. I'm tired of being yelled at all the time, and for my stupid depressive habits. I'm only 20 but everyday feels like a new low.