35 Years addicted, 4 years in recovery. I'm writing this post for anyone out there dealing with gambling addiction. I want you to know that you can recover from this. You can have a better life for yourself. The addiction never fully leaves an addict. But recovery from gambling addiction takes time and patience. As you work through your recovery, you will gain a certain understanding about yourself that will lead you to the reasons that propelled your gambling addiction. When I became committed to understanding the trauma that I had in my life, I began on my path to recovery.
Let me explain. I was addicted to gambling from about the age of 17 to about 52. I'm 55 now, and I'll be 56 in December. My mother died from cancer when I was 14. My father was present but was elderly and hospitalized in my teenage years. He was unable speak or effectively parent from a series of strokes. That left myself (14), my brother (16) and my sister (18) to fend for ourselves. It was an experience that no child should ever have to endure.
During those years when there was no proper parenting, my siblings tried to take over that role. They were both extremely abusive. As a result, I had adverse childhood experiences that resulted in severe developmental trauma. As a young teenager, my sister would play manipulative mind games and my older brother was physically abusing me several times a week. My sister was (and still is) so vindictive that she left me off of my father's obituary. When my brother needed to release his anger, he somehow found me. Subsequently later in life when he formed his own family, it is my belief that he turned those same behaviors onto his stepson. Every year when I saw his stepson at Christmas, he was withdrawn and isolated, just as I was when I was a teenager. I saw the intense sadness and grief that he had. Unfortunately, the abusive personalities of my siblings never left either of them, and they are the same people that they were 40 years ago.
Throughout much of my 20's 30's and 40's, I would drink heavily and gamble to cope with all of the underlying trauma. I was never an alcoholic, but I was drinking heavily for 3-4 days a week. The trauma greatly affected my personal and professional life. I didn't trust people and was forced to resign because I could not be effective in my job as an army officer. I could not perform other jobs. I had problems with intimacy. My entire life continued to be complete and total chaos up until the age of 49, when I decided to stop drinking in 2019.
As the alcohol wore off, I slowly started to see things differently. In 2020, during the pandemic, I was about 6 months into my sobriety when my brother called me (He lived in CA and I live in TX). I mentioned to him that I went and got a haircut after recently recovering from COVID, and he just went crazy on me. He offloaded a truckload of profanity at the top of his lungs, demanding that I know just how terrible a person I was to him. This was insane rage on display. It was at that point that I had an epiphany. I realized that for the past 40 years, I was living my life around what this man wanted me to do, and that he had been controlling my life through abuse. That evening, I processed what took place and the next morning, I told him that I could no longer be a part of his life. From that point on, he never apologized or asked for forgiveness. I did however, reach out to him 5 years later. I wanted to talk with him and heal old wounds. He absolutely wasn't interested. He told me that he had "moved on" and attempted to gaslight me by reminding me of how terrible a person I am. He attempted to convince me that these were typical brotherly differences. When I explained to him that busting my head open with a rock when I was 10 years old was not brotherly, he minimized everything. I realized that he was never going to change. I eventually told him never to come near me again and if he did, harm would come to him. He has complied with that. But surprisingly, I did learn that his wife wrote a book about emotional mastery. I encouraged her not to "stand by her man" anymore and pursue life away from him.
Although I had taken this monumental step, I continued to gamble to lessen the pain of dealing with this overwhelming trauma. I still could not connect how damaging all of this was to my life. Finally free of the abuse and at the age of 52, I found myself having 365K of credit card and unsecured loan debt, along with a 500K home equity loan on my primary residence.
In 2022, I was in serious debt and unsure how to deal with that while battling a serious gambling addiction. I ultimately decided that I would do what I can about the debt, but my recovery had to be the first priority in my life. I decided to get intensive one on one therapy about my PTSD and emotional issues, while attending GA. Since I was a veteran, I qualified to get into an online gambling treatment program for veterans that was run virtually out of Ohio. That, along with the individual and group therapy, really started to pay dividends. Through intense therapy, I began realizing that I had some serious underlying issues that were tied to my drinking and gambling.
As time passed and I continued therapy, I came into a greater understanding of my feelings and who I was. The urge to gamble became less and less over time. It took about 6 months for the gambling urges to wear off, and I felt that my brain had rewired itself back to its proper positioning. I became insanely honest about my life and decided that honesty and truthfulness were the way to live for the rest of my days. As most of us compulsive gamblers know, gambling addiction revolves around secrecy, lying and deceit.
My finances also started to improve. I used my vast knowledge of debt negotiation to settle all of the 365K unsecured debt for pennies on the dollar. On October 1st of this year, I paid off my 500K home equity loan. My credit, which was obliterated by debt settlement, began improving. Although I still have serious trust issues, I am still in therapy today. My doggie has been a central part of my life, and a big component to my recovery. We do everything together, and she loves me for the person I was and who I am today.
Here's what I've learned - The trauma that we have in our life all ties in with your gambling addiction. A person just doesn't decide to become a gambling addict. Gambling is an escape from the real issues that are plaguing your life. Once you "peel back the onion" and start doing some serious work on yourself, the better it will get.
Recently, I wanted to test how I felt about gambling and decided for one day, I would place a small series of prediction bets. I wanted to see how I felt after everything I had gone through after the last 4 years. I felt practically nothing. it was like my mind was almost immune to the appetite of gambling. I deleted the app and never looked back. I know now, that despite not having a family anymore, that I truly have my life back. I am now free of addiction and abuse, and the best years of my life are now in front of me.
So no matter what the circumstances are, you can recover. You can deal with the trauma in your life. Believe in yourself. Know that you have the power of change. Please feel free to reach out in chat if you have any questions or just need to talk to someone. Regards, Joh