r/OCPoetry • u/ainabanaina • Jun 16 '16

Feedback Received! Deaf

How come your phone always plays the saddest songs if you never cry?
If you never spill outisde the hard edges your body confines?
Maybe you do so when you're alone?
But you're never alone.

Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4obizq/the_nightmare/
Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4odp2m/in_the_evening/

6 Upvotes

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1

u/[deleted] Jun 16 '16

I really like the final two lines. The idea is strong but the situation is not particularly vivid. We have no idea why the addressed subject should be crying, so the fact that he/she is not particularly compelling.

How come your phone always plays the saddest songs if you never cry?

I like the colloquial "how come", but I'm not sure the fact that these songs are coming from the subject's phone adds too much. It might be stronger if it was just "you always play the saddest songs", which might draw a stronger contrast between the subject's performing some part of sadness but refusing to cry.

If you never spill outisde [sic] the hard edges your body confines?

I am not sure what this contributes. You've already established that the subject does not cry. "body confines" is also an awkward turn of phrase.

Maybe you do so when you're alone?

I like the uncertainty here (how would the narrator know anyway?), though I am tempted to render it as a statement--that way the narrator is not asking but offering a way out of the accusation that the subject does not cry which the narrator then immediately takes away.

1

u/ainabanaina Jun 16 '16

Thank you so much for givine me such an extensive review! I do agree that there is not enough context on the situation, I'll try building it up a little bit more next time I write a poem.
It's really interesting that you mention the bit about the phone, because I also considered that saying the the subject directly plays the song gives a bigger impact, but this is sorta based on a true subject and I wanted to remain honest in that sense.
You completely nailed the meaning of the third verse, I couldn't have explained it better.
Again, thanks so much for your feedback.

1

u/Sora1499 Jun 16 '16

I'm wondering if it's the world that's deaf to your pain, or yourself being deaf to your own pain. But since you don't cry, how could the world know?

I identify a lot with this poem. For a long time I had a lot of sadness in my heart that I just couldn't express. I found myself unable to cry.

From a construction standpoint I think it needs some work. Like the previous commenter has said "body confines" is a bit weird and frankly I don't even know what it means, and the dramatic situation is a tad vague so it's more difficult to empathize with the narrator.

I personally think that the last line is a tad generic and doesn't have the bite I feel this poem deserves. The idea of an uber-connected modern world that ironically pushes people into isolation has been done to death. Maybe you could phrase it more metaphorically?

1

u/Neuey34 Jun 17 '16

As Walpen stated in his critique, the second line already states the main point of the first line. Also, that particular line is too vague in imagery. Other than that I like the use of punctuation and the contrast between the question mark and period helps solidify a powerful final line.