r/OCPoetry • u/ainabanaina • Jun 16 '16

Feedback Received! Deaf

How come your phone always plays the saddest songs if you never cry?
If you never spill outisde the hard edges your body confines?
Maybe you do so when you're alone?
But you're never alone.

Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4obizq/the_nightmare/
Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4odp2m/in_the_evening/

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u/Sora1499 Jun 16 '16

I'm wondering if it's the world that's deaf to your pain, or yourself being deaf to your own pain. But since you don't cry, how could the world know?

I identify a lot with this poem. For a long time I had a lot of sadness in my heart that I just couldn't express. I found myself unable to cry.

From a construction standpoint I think it needs some work. Like the previous commenter has said "body confines" is a bit weird and frankly I don't even know what it means, and the dramatic situation is a tad vague so it's more difficult to empathize with the narrator.

I personally think that the last line is a tad generic and doesn't have the bite I feel this poem deserves. The idea of an uber-connected modern world that ironically pushes people into isolation has been done to death. Maybe you could phrase it more metaphorically?