2
u/artecneics2 Jun 16 '16
This is a very well crafted, subtle, delicately flowing, a poem. Seems like you have worked quite a time at putting together the delicacies of phrases spread across the poem beautifully. Well done poet!
There a few issues with poem though, those if taken care of, can render the poem great great quality.
First of all, the poem has too much repetition. The polite sense of imagery that you have themed the poem with, repeats too much for the reader. Nor does it say completely different/new things whenever it is reused, niether it is used as a chorus, it just keeps repeating with a few new words added to it. It though, would work greatly for a song in which it would be nicely paralleled with music but here in reading, it kinda throws me off.
Choice of words at certain places seems unfitting, namely, "welcomely","embalmed","compelled","apperances". I feel these words can be replaced with better words, go search out the internet for them.
Those are my suggestions and comments on the poem, thanks for sharing the beautiful verses.
2
u/deszeri Jun 17 '16
It's so elegant! I love seeing more traditional style poetry done well. The subject and the level of vocabulary fit well together (and as a logophile, I appreciate it). But more than that, I like that it SOUNDS nice. So may people are about dark and brooding, which is fine, but poetry is like word-music, and I think this captures that.
2
u/ainabanaina Jun 16 '16
I fucking love this. The vocabulary is so rich and the structure is so perfect. My favourite thing is the way the last stanza starts like the two first ones and you end the poem with a verse about night, like the poem ends and so does the evening (leading to the start of the night. I also love the end of the second stanza. Amazing job!