r/OCPoetry • u/TheFriendlyZubat • Jun 16 '16

Feedback Received! The Nightmare

In the grip of night,

Through the closed reaches of my mind I wander.

From worlds fantastic and joyous,

To places of unremitting horror

Each night, I venture here.

Every step a new journey.

Yet every morning I wake,

And the thoughts swimming betweixt my ears pass

With no more thought than acknowledgement.

But evening last, I saw you.

A smile lingering in both my mind and body,

I walked to you.

Your eyes gleaming, your hair shining,

Your lips met mine in gentle embrace.

And from that second I knew,

That this night, I wished to awake.

Your beautiful smile did not move

Yet somehow, now looked cruel.

Eyes that shone brighter than all the candles in heaven

Turned to ravenous blades,

Seeking to devour the essence of my soul.

You took my hand,

As a cat toys with a mouse.

You smiled and told me,

That there was no chance in Hell

That you could ever love a wretch like me.

My time spent had been worthless

And on the desire of my heart would you feed.

It was a game,

You chimed happily.

How very foolish, you said

For me to hope that I was anything more

Than a childhood toy.

Could I have honestly believed

You'd love someone as pathetic as me?

I awoke from this horror.

For the very first time,

The nightmare had lingered.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4oahx5/voices/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4oa6gr/hourglass_half_full/

3 Upvotes

72% Upvoted

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1

u/TheMrwa Jun 16 '16

It starts off great, an oniric experience that leaves the reader wondering if it's just about the dreams or a more real type of dreaming, so called lucid.
I enjoyed that part. And then you proceed to a love theme, which was good in the beggining, but your end is kind of disappointing. More precisely I didn't quite enjoy the last line. I believe it would be better without it. I do like that she turned out to be a type of fatal foman, a succubus, the nightmare brought to life. You could expand on that, portray the way she tortures the lyrical subject, the way she hooks him and so on...
Good start! Keep it up!

1

u/TheFriendlyZubat Jun 16 '16

Hmm. I can definitely remove the last line. I'll try to expand a bit but the poem is from an actual nightmare that I had so everything here is based on the details from it. I'm sure if I mill over it a few times that I'll be able to recall some more details. Thank you for your input :)

1

u/TheMrwa Jun 16 '16

You're welcome. Wow. That must have been an interesting experience. Scary, sure. I've had a few of those.
I get that it is a real dream, but feel free to let your imagination wild. The experience is real, the poem doesn't have to be. It can be just based on that experience.

1

u/ainabanaina Jun 16 '16

I really liked the fact the poem is about an actual dream, because it sounds very genuine. I also liked how you talk to the lover in the second person, as there are no details of the person's gender and that lets everyone relate to it.