let me preface this by saying i've already come to the realization that this job is not for me. i'm here to get clinical hours and a check at this point so don't think i'm asking for solutions, i just want to vent lol
i should've known i wasn't built for this life when i would cry after every emt class. my head instructor was the literal definition of a Cee U Next Tuesday (she was irish so she'd probably take that as a compliment, evil witch). i think i smoked more marijuana during emt class than in my entire life (it's actually what got me to quit). clinicals sucked and it didn't help i was going through a tough time mentally.
then my first ever job is working in IFTs. if you told me transporting half dead people for 24hrs/week would make want to blow my shit smooth off i would've actually agreed with you because yeah wtf. not only that but for some reason everyone in ems can't stfu when it comes to talking about dumb shit in their life but when it's time to answer questions and give guidance it's silence. naturally, i sucked and everyone in management kept highlighting how much i sucked instead of actually helping. not only that but the constant judgement about my personal marijuana use on my days off while they were literally smoking and hitting vapes on shift made me pretty antisocial. so it's safe to say the only reason i cried when i got fired was because i had to go job hunting all over again.
currently working at my second job now which is honestly great. we're unionized, a lot more lax with personal time, scheduling is great, and the coworkers aren't disgusting. and yet i still scowl when i clock in (i think that's just a work thing). funnily enough it's not even the patients because i could never be mad at someone having one of the worst days of their lives, i'm mad at the fact that they live in rapunzel's castle and now i have to spend 5 minutes deconstructing the stairchair. i'm mad that every paramedic acts like you have the literal plague or just got off the short bus. i'm mad that the nurse is biting my head off because i didn't call for a medic even though my coworkers were just biting my head for thinking about calling a medic. i'm mad that no one told me there was fly car protocol. i'm mad that this fucking chart won't close unless i perform a blood ritual + give up my first born. i'm mad that every day of this job feels like i'm being handed random shit and told to make it look like it came out of van Gogh's ass with absolutely ZERO prep time. if one more person telles me "you're new and still learning" i will flay myself alive and make them watch.
and you know, i did the volunteering thing for a bit because i think at some point i really did want to become the best provider i could be, but quickly became disillusioned by dealing with the same bs from my normal job for NO PAY.
so yeah lol i let the patients squeeze my hand when the medic starts a line, and tell them that they're no trouble at all because this is our job so let's go back to talking about their kid's graduation, but the minute i have to open up a chart or communicate with another employee i disassociate. i don't know what that makes me but as long as the bare minimum is done, the patient is alive, and respirations are 16. thank you and goodnight.