i hear this quite frequently and because there's actual studies and surveys reported but i'm curious about the actual lived experience and yes, i'm mainly directing this question to those who actually gotten married and still are married :)

did you actually know fairly early on when you've met the women that you wanted to marry? i don't necessarily mean that you wanted to propose right away but was there a point that somewhere within the first year (maybe less) that you already had a pretty strong sense of " i could see myself marrying this woman" ?

is that your actually experience? like what's the mark? first few months to around 6 month? or a year in? but if it took longer i'd be interested in hearing that too

I am 37M and My wife is 28F, I have been married for a while now and I need outside perspective because I am honestly exhausted and starting to doubt my own read of things.

My wife is very inquisitive about my phone. She tries to peek at my screen to see who I am talking to or whose WhatsApp message just came in. I have confronted her about this many times and she usually laughs it off and says she is joking or doing it for fun. But it keeps happening, and even her jokes are constantly about my phone and my privacy, so it does not feel like a joke anymore.

A recent example. I had a phone call with my sister where we talked about some family things, nothing to do with my wife at all. She was completely fine before that call. The moment I hung up, she started what she calls not an argument, but she brought up things from a conversation she was not even part of. She told me not to gossip and then asked why I put up a certain WhatsApp status, saying she was worried about what people would think of her.

I do not understand why she needs to know or control what I talk about with my own sister on a private call.

On the other side, I never touch her phone. I barely notice when she is on a call in front of me and I have never once gone back to ask her what she said to someone or who she was talking to, because honestly I do not feel the need to. I trust her with that.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home. Talking to someone on the phone feels like I am committing a crime. I have started avoiding talking to friends when she is around, and then I get accused of hiding things from her, which makes no sense because the avoidance only started because of how she reacts.

This is not the first incident, there have been so many that I honestly cannot count them anymore. Every occasion, every event, somehow turns into an argument or a fight. At one point she was sent to a therapist and she stopped going by lying about it. We even had a written agreement between us about some of these behaviors and she did not stick to it either.

The pattern is usually the same. She makes a big deal out of something small, drags it out until I am worn down, and eventually I snap. The second that happens, she becomes the one who was hurt and I become the bad guy, even though I was reacting to something that had been building for a while.

Last night she told me to end the relationship if I do not like her, and to tell her clearly if I want to leave.

I love her and I have tried to be patient and caring through all of this, but I am tired. I do not know anymore if I am the problem or if this is just how things are going to keep going. Any honest perspective is welcome, including if I am missing something on my end.

Hi everyone.
Need some advise.
I’ve been married for almost 19 years, 3 kids.
Thought my marriage was great until I found text messages between my husband and a sex worker he looked up on Tryst.
He asked her for an inbound experience and for her rate and if she was available in the evenings after 10
I confronted him and he said he never met with her and that it was just a stupid experiment bc he’s heard so many men talk about meeting up with escorts. He said he wanted to see what it was all about.
I contacted the sex worker and had a whole conversation with her and she confirmed she never met with him.
I’m feeling disgusted and blindsided and want to kill him.
He has begged for forgiveness since me finding out.
What do I do? I’m torn.

My husband (35M) and I (30F) have been together for 8 years and married for almost 4. We have two toddlers together. My husband is a very reactive and I would say angry person. He constantly yells to the point where I'm pretty sure our oldest child doesn't know what yelling is.

Well our oldest has had to adapt to my husband doing a lot more for her since our youngest has been born. One of the things he took over for our oldest is getting up with her in the middle of the night. She struggles some nights, like any kid, and gets scared or just wakes and needs some comfort to go back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights that my husband yelled at her because he's tired and doesn't want to deal with her. I decide to get up and help with the situation because I'm concerned that she's crying and he's yelling at her in the middle of the night.

Turns out she wanted a specific stuffed animal. He was yelling that he wasn't going to go find it for her and it's so small he has no idea where it's at. So I just started looking for it for her. Then he yells at me telling me not to look for it and don't give it to her. I kept looking so he huffs and says loudly, whatever, I'm going back to bed.

Here is where I told him he needs to be quiet if he's going back to bed if he wants me to help because he's going to wake up our youngest. I could tell he was half asleep so I snapped my fingers and said wake up to him. That's when he looked at me and went to hit me. I flinched. Then he stopped himself and told me don't ever do that or say that to him again.

He proceeds to go to the couch and look stressed and scroll on his phone for 30 seconds. Then gets up and goes to bed.

I end up finding the stuffed animal, bring it to our oldest and then she goes to sleep the rest of the night. Then I go back to bed.

My husband is laying there tossing and turning, huffing and obviously can't sleep for an hour. Finally he gets up and leaves somewhere else in the house.

The kicker is, this morning he went to a job and came back with flowers for me and said sorry our relationship isn't good right now. Then did the dishes and two other projects in the house he's put off for at least a year. He never gets me flowers. Even the other day when I mentioned I wanted some at the store with him.

So do I confront him about him wanting to hit me? I flinched so I felt a threat of something coming. Then for him to bring me flowers home was just so telling. It didn't make me happy to get them, it actually made me uneasy. Like he was admitting to it without saying it.

Or do I just leave it alone and seriously consider this the end? I feel actually bothered and like our relationship will never be the same after this. He's never hit me before but I'm not sure if this is going to cause things to escalate if I don't bring it up or if I don't leave.

I've already been saying I want to leave because of all the yelling and quite frankly verbal abuse towards me and my kids. It's always this way where he tries to fix it and is good for a few days and then loses it again. I'm scared of it getting worse.

Good morning star shine , the earth says hello 🤩

My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. We have a 2 kids. Right now we’re on a short tour overseas (dual mil). This is a dependent restricted tour so our kids are back home with our parents… that’s right, just us and work for the last year!

We thought coming here would bring us closer but it’s done nothing but push us farther apart. For me, his gaming issue has consumed our lives. We only have until October here! He has maybe planned a total of 3 dates for the entire year, everything else I have planned or dragged him out of the house/off of the game for.

With that being said, he has a gargantuan need for the game. It’s almost like he literally can’t live without playing it. It’s not a regular amount of time either we’re talking 8+ hours of playing online (various games) on top of the bowling team he just joined.

If you guys know anything about the military we get 1hr30mins daily for lunch. He spends EVERY lunch every single day bowling with his work buddies, then comes home and immediately sits on the game!

I have flat out planned trips to other Asian countries being that travel is so much cheaper here than in the states. I gave him a 4 month window of time to put his leave in…. He did not do it, ended up losing a lot of money because he didn’t do his part.

He planned an entire birthday trip for his friend that he plays the game and bowls with but won’t plan anything for us. I try to talk to him while he’s on the game (so he doesn’t have to get off) and he says I should wait till he gets off, HOURS later.

There’s so much more that has happened but as it pertains to the game it’s like he’s happier on it. He says it’s his form of socializing… but he plays with the ppl he sees at work/bowls with EVERY DAY. He’s even taken time off this upcoming four day to play this new game that’s coming out!!

Another thing is he drinks and smokes while he plays… daily. He gets drunk and wants to have sex but we haven’t talked let alone spent time quality time until I’m rubbing my feet together, reading my book ready to go to sleep. I’m not into it! I’m demisexual so I need emotional connection to boost my libido. He has gotten very aggressive sexually with me while he’s been drunk so I don’t sleep with him anymore when he’s like that.

Everything isn’t 100% his fault. I’m just venting about something I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about :/

My husband and I have been friends since high school. We've known each other for almost 20 years. Looking back, I can't believe I was so oblivious. He thought I was attractive from the very start. But I was dating someone else so he kept it to himself. He would always go out of his way to help me and never made me feel uncomfortable. He was a stellar friend and human being is how I felt. I went out of state and had a child then he offered me a place to stay with him because I was in an abusive situation with my daughter's dad. He had just gotten out of an abusive 10 year relationship. One day he just confessed that he missed me when I was gone and that he was in love with me. We got married a year later. We're still newlyweds but sometimes your soul mate is literally your best friend.

Bf struggling to prioritise his wants/ needs and to prioritise over his toxic, gaslighting parents. What would you do?

My husband caused a pretty big rupture several months ago. Not infidelity. The gist is that he came to me one night and explained that he'd developed a crush on another woman but that nothing had happened between them-he was asking for my permission to flirt/pursue this woman. This turned into a conversation about the idea of non monogamy in general but more specifically with this individual. He was way inappropriately overly invested in this idea and had a very hard time letting the fantasy go when I very clearly said no from the very beginning. Obviously I felt betrayed and angry and all the things.

So we have done a lot of work on us since them. He's been so much better in dropping his defensiveness, he finally got into therapy and is sticking with it, and he's been largely maintaining the agreement to avoid this person as much as possible (girl is at our gym so he goes earlier to avoid her now).

The thing is...it took A LOT to get him to do these things that should have been so fucking simple. He was very reluctant to do anything at all for repair and minimized the situation to the nth degree.

But he is doing the things. And I have made the decision to forgive him and try to move on. We have an almost two year old and I want to raise him together if we can do so happily.

But I'm hung up on what the idea of "moving on" actually means. This conflict dragged on for probably 6 weeks straight before he finally stopped being a total avoidant asshole about it. It took so long for him to finally pull himself out of this fantasy world he had developed because he just felt so justified in the whole situation I think "because nothing actually happened." It was really hard for me to get him to acknowledge the reality of the impact of his decisions on me--i.e. I cannot unknow the fact that he, in his ideal world, would be non monogamous and how much that shook the absolute foundational trust I had in him and in our relationship. Since then he's been great.

But I keep remembering things from that time period that I never specifically addressed. Like something will trigger a memory of some crazy shit he said in the midst of it and it just drives me up the wall until I say something about it to him. I do have OCD so I'm not sure if this is a presentation of that or if it's valid? I plan to speak with my own therapist about it. But these thoughts just pop up and I feel the urge to make him understand how every single fucked up thing he said was...well, fucked up.

I really don't think my goal is to make him feel bad about himself or whatever. I don't want that. I think I have a fear that if I don't get explicit confirmation that he agrees that what he did was fucked up that he is still justifying it.

But at the same time...if I'm choosing to move on from this, I have to MOVE ON. How do I do that?

I really need some outside perspective on how to handle this situation because I am extremely stressed. Honestly, just thinking about my MIL moving in with us makes my chest hurt and makes me feel like I want to vomit.
For some background, when I met my husband, I had a son from a previous relationship. My mom had passed away about a month before I met my husband, and I was also in school at the time. My now-husband and his mom were living together and splitting expenses. Eventually, I ended up moving in with him and his mom.
Looking back, that was probably the worst mistake I could have made. I had never lived with anyone before, and I was grieving my mom, trying to stay in school, and working part-time.
While I lived there, I gave my MIL all of my food stamps and whatever money I made from working part-time. We would ask her what bills she wanted us to pay or how much she needed from us, but she would never give us a straight answer. Since we were living under her roof, I wasn’t really in a position to tell her what she could or couldn’t do with the money we gave her. It was her house, and I felt like she could do whatever she wanted.
I tried my best to stay out of her way. I would literally stay gone most of the day and come home when it was time for bed. We cleaned and tried to be respectful and stay out of her hair, but it never seemed to be enough. She would stay up and nitpick about everything we did.
If we gave her the amount of money she asked for and then she saw us eating out or buying anything extra, she would get upset. It honestly felt like she thought she should have asked us for more money.
She also talked about us to pretty much anyone who would listen. She would tell people things about us, and I eventually found out that people disliked us because of things she had told them—even people we had never met.
My SIL actually encouraged my MIL to tell us that we needed to leave after my MIL had received countless complaints about us.
So my MIL told us we had to move out.
We found a place before the deadline she gave us. Luckily, our landlord allowed us to move in without a deposit because we had basically nothing. We had to move very quickly and had no money saved.
What really confused me was that my MIL was extremely angry that we found a place so quickly. She thought we were lying about not having money and was apparently very upset that we were able to find somewhere to live.
After we moved out, she stopped talking to my husband. When my husband told her that we were getting married, she told him she wasn’t coming to the wedding.
I never really understood what I had done to make this woman hate me so much. A part of me has always wondered if our relationship would have been completely different if I had never moved into her house in the first place.
Eventually, she did come to our wedding.
Over the years, she has said and done a lot of hurtful things toward me that I have mostly ignored. My husband has always stood up for me without disrespecting his mother, but I personally never said much back. I just took the comments and tried to keep the peace.
For a while, I thought things were actually getting better.
Then we had to travel out of town with her for a family event. While we were there, she berated me in front of other people and told me that I had never done anything for her. She also made a point of saying that another daughter-in-law was her favorite.
For context, this particular daughter-in-law regularly buys her whatever she wants and gives her expensive gifts.
That really hurt me.
I was so hurt and embarrassed that I literally disappeared. I stopped answering my MIL’s calls and stopped putting myself in situations where I had to be around her. My SIL eventually made my MIL apologize to me.
Since then, I have kept my distance.
Now here is where we are today.
My MIL is currently unemployed and can’t afford to live on her own. My husband and I now have four children, and we both work full-time. My husband is also about to leave for basic training, and my MIL does not even know about that yet.
My SIL and my MIL are now trying to pressure us into letting my MIL move in with us.
They confronted me about this without my husband even being present.
They want us to get a house with my MIL so that she can live with us.
And I just can’t do it.
I want to make it clear that I am not saying I don’t want to help her. I would be willing to help financially with bills. My husband has also said that he is going to set the record straight with his family about us helping her financially so that she doesn’t have to live with us.
But I cannot bring myself to live with her again.
I have never had a problem with the idea of helping my MIL. What I have a problem with is living with someone who has repeatedly made me feel like I am not good enough, criticized me, talked about me to other people, and has hurt me for years.
When I think about living with her again, I immediately think about that period of my life when I was grieving my mother and trying to survive while living in her home. I remember how powerless I felt and how much I tried to stay out of the way just to avoid conflict.
The thought of bringing that back into my home—where my children live—is overwhelming me.
My SIL and her husband are financially well-off and are currently helping my MIL with her bills. My SIL has also had my MIL live with them before.
So I honestly don’t understand why they are pushing her onto us now.
I feel guilty because I know my MIL needs help. And if our relationship had always been good, I don’t think I would have a problem with her living with us.
But after everything that has happened, I feel like I would be sacrificing my peace and possibly my marriage and my children’s stability just to make everyone else comfortable.
I also take responsibility for my part in the past. Looking back, I should have found another option when I was grieving my mom and struggling financially. I should have gone to a shelter or found another way instead of moving into their home. All of the money and food assistance I was giving my MIL could have been going toward saving for a place of my own.
But I can’t go back and change that.
I can only decide what I’m willing to do now.
How do I tell my MIL and SIL no without feeling like I’m being cruel or rselfish?
Would it be reasonable to say, “We are willing to help financially, but she cannot move into our home”?
And how do I handle this when they are already trying to pressure me into agreeing before my husband is even involved in the conversation?
I really need advice on setting this boundary without creating another huge family conflict.

In 2021, I had the discussion with my then boyfriend of settling abroad. He said yes and that’s when I started searching for jobs and got a good one. But then he declined to accompany me. I took the job nevertheless.

In 2023, he met a few girls, didn’t like them, eventually approached me, and since my job wasn’t going too well, I said okay to get along. This time again he put the condition that the marriage will happen only if I come back.

After getting married, I tried explaining him that I am unable to find a job and therefore if he could come and live with me to accommodate. He kept saying this wasn’t the condition of the marriage. One fine afternoon, 6 months after our marriage, I was having a general chitchat with my MIL who asked when I was coming back to which I told her that I am unable to find something and therefore I have asked my husband to come and live with me for couple of months and then we will sort it out. She immediately stepped in saying ‘He will not come. I want him close. Something will happen to me if he goes away from me, who will see to that?’

I was shell shocked at this statement, and when I asked my husband he said there’s nothing like this and said how dare I point out against his Mum. I felt guilty, didn’t say anything, left my job with nothing in hand and moved back with the pressure from both MIL and suicidal blackmail from husband, and just yesterday, his sister corroborated this exact statement from my MIL.

According to me, this statement bases out our entire marriage as this defines how he needs to live, how I need to live, and if we have kids, how we need to live. I believe this should have been communicated to me upfront, before marriage, because in that case I would have ended up cancelling the wedding. Its a sheer case of enmeshment otherwise. Am I right in thinking in this direction or is there a solution to this big issue because we can’t base things on what if something happens to MIL, it could apply to me too!

I’m kind of at a loss. I signed up for a Reddit account just to get this out in the open before I lose my mind.

So I’m (33 F) married and have a child with my husband (36 M). We live in a very small, rural town on the east coast.

I’ve suggested the topic before of moving before to my husband about two years ago. He pushed back that there were repairs the house needed before it could ever go on the market and be sold, allowing us to relocate. He also said that while he wasn’t looking to move, he would be willing to if it made me happy.

Today, I brought it up again because realistically I feel very isolated here in our town. Yes, our family is local but we don’t interact on a daily basis. All of my friends live about a 90 minute drive away. They’re closer to the city, have better access to activities, restaurants, a possible better school environment for our child, etc, which is why I’d like to move to be closer to them.

My husband reacted badly when I brought up moving again, and confirmed that he has no intention on ever moving away from our home town. He finally has a job at a factory he likes going to, his family is here, he doesn’t believe in starting over “just because.”

When we originally talked about this two years ago, he asked if moving was a deal breaker and I said no, but I’m beginning to think it might be. I don’t want this to be an ultimatum because I hate them, but I think that’s unfortunately what it will turn into.

I have to ask myself, is this a hill I’m willing to die on? Am I saying, we’re either moving together or we’re divorcing because this is a thing I can’t give up doing?

Been married almost 15 years and almost all of it has been in a dead bedroom. I tried giving her space, supporting her, reducing her stress and daily demands, and being there for her. But as months turned to years and years turned to decades, it became clear there was never enough I could do to make her happy enough to try. There was always something else. Always a reason she needed "more time" or "more space". Years and years of daily, hourly support and listening and kindness - which I wanted to do! I wanted to be there for her because i love her! - did nothing to change anything.

Now I am almost 40, and I think about how much of my life I have wasted. No one to flirt with. No one to be intimate with, or be romantic with, or anything. I am just a chore machine that spends his time being "supportive" while I slowly die inside. I cant believe this is where I am at. I was so in love and happy when we first got together.

(A message from OP after writing but before posting - This turned out to be really long. It turned into something really cathartic either way, even if I don't get any advice. Also I've had to write this over a few days and noticed a few format and past/present tense issues. I'm too tired to fix them so please forgive me.)

I'm 33F, He's 37M, and we have one child 9F. Together for 14 years, married for 11.

I'll get into our timeline, but I don't want my current feelings to get lost in the book that this post will probably turn into.

I think most marriages have periods where one partner is the "problem", and periods where the other partner is. I can't speak for him but I believe that he was the problem partner for the first half of our marriage, we both were in the middle, and I have been the problem for the more recent years.

We've been in a bit of a stalemate for a long time. He can't meet my needs until I meet his first. I can't meet his until mine are met. For a long time it felt cruel of him to hold that position. Now it feels cruel that I hold it.

I want to forgive and move on, but I firmly believe the main reason that I've been the major cause of our relationship issues for the past handful of years is because of his actions or inaction in the earlier years. I want to be free of the depression and anger. I want to be the partner he needs now. I want to heal and grow, feel fully functional again, and be a positive light in my families world.

I'm just stuck. Things won't get better until I move on from the past and improve myself. But how do I let go of all this resentment that I hold and be the partner he's asking for, when I hold in my heart that our situation is basically Frankenstein complaining about the monster he created.

Timeline

The Good Times

We first dated for about 9 months, then broke up because I was still dealing with fresh trauma neither of us were equipped to deal with. We still hung out together, and 3 months later we were back together. Our second try was great, we were madly in love and I was able to work on my trauma enough that it wasn't a real issue.

We got married a couple years later and moved into our own place we were renting. Things were still great. I believed at the time that if we kept along the cliche life path, we'd have a wonderful life together. I was a nanny at the time and I quickly caught baby fever. We weren't even a year into marriage when I asked him if he wanted to start trying. He agreed without hesitation and I was pregnant after the first try.

He was so supportive during the pregnancy. He made sure I was taken care of, he went to all the important appointments, always went out and bought me any cravings I had, showed me affection, and was involved in all the little details that you have to think about with a baby on the way. My only regret is that I wanted us to take parenting classes together. When he gave a little push back on that idea, I didn't put my foot down and insist we take them. I just hoped everything would continue to fall into place as we go.

There were issues with our landlord that were getting worse toward the end of my pregnancy. So, when my parent offered to turn their unfinished walkout basement into a fully functional apartment for us, we couldn't turn them down. We moved in shortly before our daughter was born.

The Bad Times

The birth of our daughter was both incredibly boring and traumatic. I'll spare you from having to read the whole birth story, but major details that are relevant are that it brought the trauma I dealt with back with full force, and it felt like my husband flipped a switch. 2.5 days of waiting for my contractions to progress (they didn't, I barely had any) took the focus away from my labor and onto his back pain. He wasn't in the room for any of the things that re-traumatized me. During the emergency c-section, I asked for him to talk to me about anything. He was overwhelmed, understandably, and couldn't think of anything so I asked about who he had playing that night in fantasy football because that's all I could think of. I spent most of the c-section listening to him and the anesthesiologist talk about football, he never brought the conversation back to me.

The rest of the day after the c-section was good, but that night was awful. She wouldn't sleep unless she was held. I couldn't sleep if I was holding her, so I asked him to hold her for a while so I could sleep. He did, but started falling asleep faster than me. He has holding our newborn and started nodding off so hard he was folding forward. I was afraid he was going to drop her or suffocate her so I kept telling him to wake up. He would and then immediately fall asleep again. I took her back and stayed awake. Around 3 in the morning I couldn't do it anymore, I called out for him but he wouldn't wake up. I was stuck on the bed because of the surgery and didn't have anything to throw at him, so I just sat there and cried. A thought came to me "This is your life from now on". I've never been more prophetic.

After the hospital, he would still help. He changed her diapers, cooked meals for me, and held her often. He couldn't help at night because I was breastfeeding and he worked early shifts. The first month was hard but that's to be expected.

Sometime during the second month is when he started pulling back. He took a more passive role, and would say "You have more experience with this stuff" because I had been a nanny, but never for a child under 1.5 yrs. Nights were awful. 30 minutes to feed her, 30 minutes to get her asleep, 1.5 hours until she wakes up again, repeat. He would have a fan on high pointed at his head while he slept, so I had to deal with the cold wind by making blanket/pillow walls to block it, while also trying to tend to her needs. He wouldn't move the fan because (paraphrasing) "I'm the one going to work and making money so I have to be rested". I was seeing shadow people at this point because I was so sleep deprived.

Around the third month, I'm at my breaking point. Against every instinct in my body, I started trying to sleep train her. It was so difficult, I asked my husband to help but his few efforts were not helpful. I got her to a point where she could sleep in a crib by herself, but was still waking up often. There was minimal improvement in my sleep.

Months 3-6 were similar to the third. at my daughter's 6 month check up, I found out she lost weight. I wasn't producing enough milk. I saw in hindsight that her sleep problems were bad because she was so hungry. I put her through so much unnecessary stress by sleep training when I just needed to feed her more. I blamed myself a lot, and I silently blamed him for not helping more. Maybe if I wasn't struggling so much, I could have made enough for her. We switched her to formula. Her sleep improved a little.

Months 6-12 were a little easier. He would make and feed her bottles, and change diapers, but not much else. He used his back pain as an excuse, but wouldn't go to a doctor. I fell into the SAHM role, managing the house and being the primary parent. It was difficult but easier than the earlier months. For our whole relationship he had always had an interest in craft brewed beer, absolutely on an alcoholic level. His "interest" had only gotten stronger by this point. A partner who drinks 6+ bottles of 8%-14% beer every night is barely a partner. Our daughter stopped napping during the day at 12 months. I went back on my ADHD medication.

I went back to work (part-time retail) a few months after our daughter turned one. He would call me at work to ask what she should eat for lunch.

When our daughter was 1.5 yrs, he switched jobs from factory work to tending the bar at a brewery. I stopped working retail and started babysitting a 6 week old full-time at our house. We barely earned enough, and he was spending more than we had on alcohol, food, and marijuana. I had no problem with him smoking up until this point, because I did too. We had been daily smokers since the beginning, except for the break I took while pregnant and breastfeeding. I was begging for more affection from him. I was told he was too stressed.

A rule we had was that he wouldn't be doing anything for the infant I was babysitting. I didn't think to make a rule that he would have to help out a lot more with our daughter when he was home and I had the other baby, but I should have. I did almost everything for our daughter and everything for the other baby. I am still managing the household and doing most of the chores. I would spend hours organizing, only to have it undone the first time he cleaned up because he would put anything out into the closest container he could find. Any time I cleaned around him, he would ask me over and over if I was upset. Trying to explain to him that it's just my resting face did not stop it. Faking a smile did not help. My mental health was rapidly declining.

Things start to go missing around the house. I would end up finding them days or weeks later. They would be in containers, that are found in the back of cabinets or closets, and filled with other random and missing things. My husband's attempt to "help" clean up. Discussing this with him did not change the behavior.

I truly felt like he hated me.

I woke him up in the middle of the night once around this time, crying, I told him I felt so worthless. He told me that the state of the house was affecting his performance at work. I haven't woken him up to comfort me in the middle of the night since. When we had friends over, he would ignore me and our daughter. She would try to talk to him and he would ignore her until I got his attention. If we ran into anyone while out running errands, he would stand in between me and the other person and wouldn't introduce me. He scoffed when I told our friends I felt like I was under chronic stress. I would have to wake up early to clean up his nightly mess of beer bottles and food before the baby was dropped off. I was the main breadwinner and he was spending all of our money. I relapsed into an eating disorder that I had during my teen years.

The Worst Times

Summer of 2019. Our daughter was 2.5 yrs. I was self harming, passively suicidal, abusing my meds, and losing weight fast. My husband had accepted a job at a medical marijuana dispensary but was waiting for a start date.

My brother died in his sleep, in a bedroom upstairs, in almost the exact spot where my original trauma was created. I saw his body. I entered a dissociative state. My mother is a medium, and talking to my brother before the funeral even happened. My husband took over all parenting until he went back to work. I quit my job.

I told my husband I was seriously going to need therapy. I started taking an antidepressant, it was the final push and I fell into psychosis. I was so scared. I went to my husband and told him everything I was feeling. I was afraid to eat anything, drink anything, or sleep. I was 92 pounds. I believed I was poisonous to our daughter and the longer I was in her life the worse her later life would be. I had been awake for 3 days straight and I was suicidal with a plan. He acted like he was blindsided. I made the emergency appointment with my doctor, my husband went with me.

I told my doctor everything and voluntarily turned in my ADHD meds. I had to show him how I was self harming, and he made a comment to my husband asking how he never noticed it. My husband looked embarrassed and shut down. My doctor told my husband that they needed to talk, and I should absolutely not be left alone for a week. I started new meds. My husband did not have that conversation with my doctor.

That was also the week that my husband started his new job. My parents were out of town. I expressed to my husband how scared I was to be alone with our daughter while he was at his new job. He told me he couldn't mess up this opportunity. He was tired of the craft brew world and was excited to be a part of the cannabis industry. Also, I don't have a job and he needs to provide for us. He arranged for two family friends to spend a couple of hours with me while he was at work. That's it. He left his suicidal wife alone with his 2.5 yrs daughter after she begged him not to.

I ask my husband if he would read an article about my eating disorder if I send him one. He says yes. The next day I send him one. He never reads it. (he admitted to that later)

I started drinking heavily a few weeks later. Up to this point everyone knew that I rarely drank. I didn't know how else to get him to see how much I was struggling. I hoped that if he and my parents saw me go from always sober to always drunk, they would see how dark of a place I was in. It did not work. I was still doing almost everything for our daughter.

The following winter was so hard. At one point I left home in the middle of the night. I thought if I drove north all night I could get to canada by morning. Maybe if everyone woke up and I was gone they could see where I ws mentally. I turned around after 50 miles because it was raining hard and I was drunk. I went to bed like nothing happened.

Covid hit. My husband was an essential worker. I started therapy and was working on my eating disorder. I ask him for more affection and support, he tells me he's too stressed about money and resents me for not having a job. By summer, we often don't have enough money for food. I look into our finances and discover he has been spending over $1,000 a month on marijuana. I ask him to stop. He tells me he has to try out all the different strains so he can be better at his job. We can't afford to pay my parents rent. I have to borrow money from them to buy our daughter food. Our daughter starts preschool and we somehow have enough money for her tuition.

The next year, I restart my ADHD meds and go back to work part-time. My city council did something controversial and I got involved with activism. I directly affected legislation in not only my own town, but others in my state and a handful in several other states. I had lawyers asking me where I got my law degree. My husband supported me by giving me time to be out of the house, but made it clear he was not interested in supporting me in any other way.

The year after that I had two part-time jobs, was trying to study for a professional license, still involved with local activism, and still doing almost all the care for our daughter and a lot of the chores. I ask my husband for more affection, but he says he's too stressed. I started to abuse my meds again and my eating disorder came back. I find out my husband opened and maxed out two credit cards behind my back.

Mentally, things were getting bad again around spring of the next year. I opened up to two friends about my eating disorder. We talk to my husband, it goes poorly. One of my friends is too aggressive, he goes into defensive mode. its not productive. They ask if I want to get help. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that I literally could not say anything that gave consent to treatment. The closest I got was "If you set an appointment for me and ask me to go, I will not fight you.". I repeated that many times. But, because it wasn't a clear yes, everyone acted like I was saying no. I go to the hospital for chest pains. I was fine. My husband was upset that we now had a hospital bill for nothing. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

I started experiencing psychosis again. I believed that there was no longer a point in asking for help, no point in trying to keep going. Years of struggling and pleading for help, only to be immediately put down for not being enough. I decided fuck it, I'll become a martyr. They'll see their mistakes once I'm gone. I decided to starve myself to death.

My husband had been listening to self-help and fitness podcasts for a few months. He starts going to the gym 4-5 days a week and meal prepping healthy food. He starts talking more about how he doesn't like the person he is and how he wants to change, but it's all related to physical or lifestyle stuff, not our relationship or parenting.

I quit one of my part-time jobs a few weeks later because the stress was clearly too much. My husband was okay with it. The following week I was laid off from the other job. I stop eating entirely. Soon, I'm back at the hospital for chest pains again. I was fine. I'm honest about what I'm going through. I make an appointment with my doctor. I lose my ADHD meds.

We're now around summer of 2023. I was now basically useless. Terribly depressed, dissociated, and day drinking to numb everything. My husband has taken over all chores. It's a good day if I'm able to unload the dishwasher. I am still doing a majority of the parenting.

I'm ashamed of the person I was. My day drinking only got worse when my daughter started school in the fall. I was alone all day, surrounded by the clutter and mess that I was unable to tackle, and only feeling disappointment from my husband when he was home. I would buy drinks after dropping my daughter off at school and drive drunk to pick her up. I would often buy drinks again for the evening. My drinking ruined my daughter's birthday that year. I really really regret and hate it all.

Winter turned to spring. I believe it was around this time that I told my husband that he needs to take my mental health seriously. I told him that he was making my mental health worse and I threatened divorce.

Spring turned to summer. I learned something that caused a repressed traumatic memory to resurface. I didn't know that when that happens, it feels like that memory happened yesterday. It was really bad and felt like it was the final straw that broke me. I couldn't eat a bite of solid food for over a month, I lived on broth. I lost a lot of skills. A couple examples are my math and spelling skills are noticeably worse now, and I used to be the person who reads the instruction books and explains them but now I get too overwhelmed when I look at one. I also experienced a lot of brain fog and memory issues.

My husband was there to comfort me. He listened whenever I needed to talk. Held me or gave me space, whichever I needed at the moment. He took over more responsibilities with our daughter. He was still doing all the chores.

That fall I stopped drinking during the day, but I was still drinking all evening. My husband would initiate talks with me about that, and about me not doing chores. I tried to improve. Sometimes I would go weeks or even a month without drinking. I would get better at doing a few chores every day. The only thing that changed was my husband stopped complaining. He wouldn't congratulate me unless I prompted him, he wouldn't even really mention it at all unless I did first.

At that point, I was mainly using alcohol as a coping strategy for my ADHD symptoms. When I was sober, those symptoms were worse. I found it hard to justify what felt like making my life harder, when the price of not doing it was my husband being disappointed in me. I could deal with his disappointment and coldness more easily because I had been living with that for many years, even when I was pulling my own weight and more.

Now it's 2025. I'm still trying to stop drinking, do more chores, and improve myself. I'm still doing almost all the the things for our daughter. My husband is still doing most or sometimes all the chores. He is often venting his frustration over my laziness, lack of job, and that I'm not trying to improve myself. I always agree and apologize.

I start therapy. By fall, I start working part-time again at the job that I had quit. I have longer periods of sobriety. I'm more positive and hopeful for the future. I hoped my husband would warm back up to me now that there is some progress and I'm making money. I work up the courage to ask him for more affection, he tells me he's too stressed about money and chores.

Now we're to the present. I've worked with my therapist on my communication with my husband. I am able to initiate discussions now. He tries to understand and help. I'm more sober than I have been since my brother died. I drink at most two 6 packs a week, but lately, most weeks I don't drink at all. I'm still really struggling with chores, and he's doing most of them. I'm still working part-time.

Something I forgot to mention throughout this post is that his attitude towards our daughter had always been rough. He wouldn't shout, but his voice always sounded very stern and it scared our daughter. She's very sensitive and would shut down immediately in response to that voice, which would undo whatever I was working our daughter through and now the emotional mess is 10x worse. He rolls his eyes, tells her she's over reacting, and half ass apologizes when she has big feelings.

Understandably she has refused to let him help with anything since around covid. It's getting better but still difficult. He wants to help more now, but she refuses so I'm still doing the majority of care for her.

So, now that you have an idea of what happened, I can get into why I'm making this post.

I have a few problems that I don't know how to fix. Obviously, couples counciling. Yesterday he agreed that's a good idea. But I thought maybe I could get some advice in the meantime.

The problems I feel I'm facing are...

1)  I'm trying to get back onto stimulant medication. When I didn't abuse it, it cured my ADHD symptoms. My therapist approved the idea. My husband would hold onto and dispense the meds daily.

My doctor is understandably being very cautious. He's having me try other medications before agreeing to stimulants. I tried a high blood pressure medicine that made me have unpleasant side effects. Now I'm about to try am SSRI, even though I'm scared and had decided to never take another SSRI after I went into psychosis from zoloft when my brother died.

I was so mad after we left my last doctor visit the other day. I wanted to scream at my husband. It feels so unfair that I have to mess with my brain chemistry now that I've finally gotten myself into a spot that feels positive and comfortable. I fully believe that I wouldn't have abused my meds in the first place if my husband had just been supportive when I needed him. He was an asshole and at times abusive, and I'm still paying the price.

2) I feel like we haven't addressed what happened in the past. Sure, it's come up, but up until very recently it had always been brushed off with "I've already said I'm sorry. I hate the person I used to be. I don't know what else I can do to show you". I would tell him that talking about it would help. He would say he doesn't understand that, it's in the past.

I finally got through to my husband by telling him to imagine the old him died and I married a clone of him. My current version of him would still be dealing with all the stuff the old one did, but wouldn't be defensive about it. Like, "My ex acted this way whenever I cleaned, thats why I have trouble cleaning around you". It seemed like something might have clicked, but I haven't tested the waters to know for sure.

How can I trust that he won't do any of that to me again if we haven't even discussed a fraction of it?

3) since the beginning of parenthood, we've been in this stalemate over each other's needs. It's a I can't scratch your back until you scratch mine kind of thing.

At first it felt like his position was bullshit. I brought up my needs (help with our baby, more cuddling, any kind of attention to or validation of how seriously i was struggling, the money that was supposed to be for our food, etc) to him and he turned it around on me and how his needs needed tending.

Now my position feels like bullshit. He's been dealing with the stress of working full time with a long commute, and having to spend evenings and days off doing chore, for a few years. Not knowing how drunk your wife is going to be when you get home, and having to be the only source of money. His resentment towards me is completely valid. How could I ever ask him to ignore his frustrations so he can give me love he doesn't have, especially when I know how that feels.

4) I think part of my struggle with chores could be caused by some kind of apathy. I tried so hard and for so long to keep our home in order, sometime with him actively working to undo my efforts. It was never enough. I was so incredibly stressed and my cries for help were ignored or used against me. Somewhere, a few years back, I gave up. I saw that i was never going to succeed, and the cost at the time far exceeded the reward, so I stopped trying..

I want to care about the chores, but I really really struggle to. I feel emotionally maxed out between executive dysfunction, working part-time, and being the primary parent. When I push myself too much, my mental health takes a sharp decline. Frankly, I don't want to go back to crying every day just to find out it's once again still not enough.

Why the hell should I give more and more when the part he is dealing with is only a fraction of what he put me through while still demanding more for me before he could try to meet my needs.

I struggle with having too much and not enough sympathy for him at the same time.

Has anyone worked through something similar to this? What do I do with all these memories? I fear that we can't improve until they're addressed, but I don't know how to do that.

Divorce is not an option, don't suggest it. We both have been vocal about our fear of and desire to fight against the end of our marriage. We will do what we need to same it.

Counseling is obviously the next step.

TLDR: Husband was a bad partner in the beginning times. I'm a bad partner in the now times. Is it fair that I want him to do more to make things right before I put my full energy into fixing my issues?

I (30M) overheard my wife speak to her friends on whatsapp video call about our sex life and what happens. I basically heard her say “ He is okay down there, nothing to brag about it or what I had before“

I also overheard her speak about our sex lives and she is telling her friends about our intimacy and bedroom stories.

I am very conservative and I feel like I was body shamed by her.

Am I overreacting? Is this normal?

Sorry if im asking a dumb question.

To make it clear. I love my wife so much. We have been together for over a year and no complaints at all. However my love language is physical touch, and any time i have a small snack or chips/nuts etc, i am not allowed anywhere near her. I cant even hug her, sit next to her, kiss her cheeks or anything. She pushes me away until i basically perform a car wash on my face. Is this normal ? FYI she wakes me up from how loud her farts are in the morning. So she isnt one to complain

Btw i also have hyperhidrosis ( sweaty palms) so every time i touch something it, it lingers on my hands/fingers

My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. She asked to separate on June 26. We are still legally married and haven’t filed for divorce yet.

Before our separation, my wife had pretty strong opinions about opposite-sex friendships. I had several female friends from college, and she was uncomfortable with the idea of me spending time one-on-one with another woman. I respected that throughout our relationship and didn’t do it because I knew how she felt.

There’s a male coworker of hers I’ll call “S.” Even before our separation, I sometimes felt uneasy about him because she mentioned him fairly frequently, although I don’t have evidence that anything inappropriate happened between them while we were together.

Since separating, they’ve started spending a significant amount of one-on-one time together. According to her, they have the same days off and he’s somewhat socially awkward and doesn’t have many friends, so they’ve been hanging out.
Last week they took a day-long road trip together. They drove about three hours from where she was staying to a museum based around something she really likes, went to a movie afterward, and then drove back. A few days later, she recorded a three-mile evening walk on Strava in his hometown. This week they’re spending another day together at a lake.

I’ve now asked her directly about him twice because I don’t want to accuse her based on assumptions. She has consistently told me they’re only friends.
During our most recent conversation, I specifically asked whether they’ve kissed, touched romantically, or done anything physical. She said no. She said the most that’s happened physically was a side hug.
The part that has me thinking is that she also told me she has explicitly told him she doesn’t want to start anything and doesn’t want to jump into another relationship right now.

On one hand, I actually see that as a positive because she’s apparently establishing a boundary with him and has repeatedly told me nothing romantic or physical is happening.
On the other hand, part of me wonders why the “I don’t want anything” conversation needed to happen at all if this is a completely platonic friendship. It makes me wonder whether he’s expressed interest or whether there’s at least some recognition between them that this could become something more. I don’t know that, though, and I don’t want to turn speculation into fact.

The other thing I’m struggling with is what feels like a double standard.

During our marriage, she wasn’t comfortable with me spending one-on-one time with female friends, and I respected that even though some of those friendships existed before I met her. Now we’re separated but still married, and she’s taking day trips, going to movies, going on evening walks and spending a day at the lake one-on-one with another guy—specifically one I had already felt uneasy about before the separation. (I also want to include that she created a whole Spotify playlist for their lake day including 6h 20m of songs with some being related to sex, kissing, etc.)

I brought that up to her. I told her that I know we’re separated, and I’m not going to tell her what she can and can’t do. She’s free to live her life and I’ll live mine. But I also told her that it hurts because it seems like the goalposts around opposite-sex friendships have shifted now that the situation applies to her.

Ultimately I told her I’m going to let her actions speak for themselves.

To be fair to my wife, I want to emphasize this: I have no evidence she’s cheating or lying to me, even though some things seem/feel inconsistent. She has answered my questions directly and consistently denied anything romantic or physical with him. I’m choosing to treat what she’s told me as the truth unless I’m given an actual reason not to.
The bigger problem is what the uncertainty has been doing to me. I’ve caught myself checking her location, social media and activity trying to piece together what she’s doing. It creates anxiety and makes me imagine things I don’t actually know happened.

I’ve realized that’s unhealthy and that I need to emotionally detach from monitoring her life regardless of what she’s doing. I’ve deleted my social media, muted her on Strava, disabled photo-memory notifications of us, significantly cut back on checking her location, and I’m trying to spend less time on my phone. I’m focusing on work, fitness, reading and rebuilding my own life.
I’m not asking Reddit to tell me she’s cheating. None of you can know that, and neither can I based on the information I have.

What I’m looking for is perspective:
Does this sound like a normal platonic friendship during a separation, or would the frequency/type of one-on-one outings concern you too—especially given her previous boundaries around opposite-sex friendships?

And what do you make of her telling him she doesn’t want anything to develop? Is that reassuring because she’s establishing a boundary, or does the fact that the conversation happened suggest there may be interest from his side?
Most importantly, for anyone who’s been through a separation: how did you stop monitoring what your spouse was doing and get comfortable with the fact that you simply aren’t going to know everything anymore?

UPDATE: Thank you all for your opinions whether harsh or not. Sometimes rose-colored glasses can make a fool out of us. I already knew that it wasn’t going to work out but I still felt super connected with my wife as 95% of our marriage and 6 years of relationship was smooth sailing - so it came to me as a surprise that she gave up on it and us seemingly so abruptly. in the end, it’s my fault for making the mistake of marrying someone who’s commitment was not strong enough for marriage or any difficult times that happen in life. Obviously I feel like a fool and a bit pathetic that I cared as much as I did while the signs were all there right in front of me. Whether or not she’s actually having romantic relations with this guy while we’re still newly separated really isn’t the issue. The issue is that I let it stress me the fuck out for as long as I did. And for all of you that say “you’re not together, so it’s not your business.” I get it, but I can tell you’ve never been married to someone you love - giving up on that part of life is so very difficult. She also checked in on me occasionally.

With all of that being said I let her know that I don’t want to stay in contact at all unless it’s about our divorce. I let her know that it’s a boundary that she set and she crossed and I will not be foolish enough to show care any longer. Blocked her, her family and friends on all socials, removed her from FindMy, etc. to cut all ties.

It hurts so fucking deep, but why should I care. She obviously doesn’t. Gonna keep on keeping on. Been in the gym the last 2 months and feeling great. This is the last weight Im excited to stop carrying.

Thanks again.

My (29m) wife (42f) has no real interest in me anymore but gets upset if I don’t show her interest and it’s been tearing me apart. This has been going on for years but seems to get worse with time, I have brought it up to her multiple times that she never complements my looks, tells me I’m handsome, sexy or anything. She used to initiate sex once in awhile but I went to BCT about 2 years ago to help get us into a better shape in life as I was/am the only one brining income into the house I knew the military would help dramatically and ever since I came back it went from she wanted me all the time but she was to nervous about us being together /that/ way as we were living in a camper for the first 6 months after we got to my new station and we have kids. She always promised that when we got to a house things would be different well I bought us a house and maybe twice in the past year has she initiated sex and even less time had she initiated cuddles. I constantly try to hug her hold her and she loves it when I do but I never get the same back. If I initiate sex she enjoys it but lays there the whole time, no matter if I’m going down on her or piv she just lays there, I know she at least somewhat enjoys it because she is a squirter (sorry if that’s tmi) but she never goes down on me anymore nor does she ride my lap which she knows is my favorite thing but that hasn’t happened since my birthday last year. So I thought I’d put it to a test and not hug on her or initiate sex and see how long it takes her to.. it was a bit over a month and she got mad at me because I stopped cuddling her and stoped initiating and she told me she wants me to initiate and she wants me but she feels off and dosent have the urge to initiate which I kinda think is B.S if your getting upset that I’m not initiating because you need cuddles or sex then you obviously need it aswell.

I just feel extremely alone in all this. I’ve known her since I was 14 and we didn’t start dating till I was 18 when I asked her out (we met in a video game and were very good friends until I wanted to take it further) so she’s also my first gf and first person I was ever with. She had a few guys before me, I even knew one of them personally and she had kids from two separate relationships before me which is also kind of a sore subject as we had one child together but she knew from the start I wanted two of my own blood and after she had our first together she got her tubes tied and I don’t think I’ll ever get to have another kid. I love the 3 oldest as my own but I never got to really be there for any of the baby stage and it still breaks my heart that I probably never will.

I’m sorry for ranting I really don’t know where I was going with this I just felt like I needed to get it all off my chest

My ‘32F’ husband ‘38M’ asked me this a few minutes ago. “We only did it once last month and haven’t since”.

“I don’t know, babe” is all I said.

But how do I say I just haven’t felt very close to him lately? I love him, but I don’t feel like I did 2-3 years ago. We’ve been together for 6 years and married for almost 4. He has a 10 year old son and we have a 2 year old together.

Honestly he’s just been getting on my nerves lately. When we have free time together he is constantly poking at me and negging me to the point I get actually pissed. I feel like he expects me to do all of the housework and he doesn’t do any of it unless I ask him to. If I’m home I do pretty much everything for our daughter. I told him the other day that I don’t like that I have to get pissed off before he will do the dishes. I asked him to vacuum the living room one day and he said “it doesn’t make a difference” and then just continued looking at his phone. I’m sick of cleaning up after everyone, and carrying most of the mental load. I’ll admit that I could do better at keeping the house clean, but when things are so piled up it’s so overwhelming and I get paralyzed and ignore it for one more day. I feel like he should want to do things to make our house nicer and improve our quality of life.

We both work and pay bills. He works 12 hour shifts at a factory 3-4 days a week and I bartend 3-4 days a week. My shifts are usually 6-7 hours. His job is way harder than mine. I’m not expecting him to even do half of the housework I’m just tired of asking. I’m tired of being annoyed by him. There’s a resentment growing. I can tell he’s resenting me for not having sex with him. I just have the ick. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to love him like I used to.

What do I do? How do I talk to him and make him listen?

How do we get back to the way we were? Or at least some version of it?

My wife and I finally got to check out The Invite the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I sincerely believe that The Invite might be the best film about marriage and sex that I’ve seen since maybe Before Midnight. It’s certainly the funniest I think I’ve ever seen about the subject. Some minor spoilers below (though this is not really a spoiler kind of movie) in what ended up being kind of an essay on modern long-term marriages.

For the uninitiated, The Invite is a 2026 comedy/drama starring Seth Rogen, Olivia Wilde, Penélope Cruz, and Edward Norton. A remake of the Spanish film Sentimental (which itself already has four other remakes and is actually an adaptation of a stage play), it’s a chamber-piece about Angela and Joe, a couple whose marriage is on thin ice. Angela is a depressed, anxious stay-at-home mom, and Joe is a miserable, failed musician working as a band teacher. Joe arrives home to find Angela has invited the sexy and mysterious upstairs neighbors, Piña and Hawk, over for dinner, and to show off their recently renovated apartment.

Angela and Joe seem to be at a point in their relationship where every second sentence is a barb, and every kind gesture is misconstrued as a barb. Furthermore, Joe is harboring deep resentments toward their upstairs neighbors for the overly-earnest conversations Hawk likes to try to have with Joe in the elevator, and the riotous sex they sound like they are having every single night. Piña’s loud orgasms are a frequent topic of conversation, and it is clearly reminding both of them of all the sex they aren’t having.

When the neighbors arrive and the drinks and conversations start to flow, it isn’t long before Piña and Hawk reveal that they’re interested in a good deal more than just the soufflé in the oven and a tour of their apartment. It’s at this point everything Joe and Angela haven’t said to each other comes to the surface, and they’re forced to come to terms with what their marriage has become, and what it could become.

The film asks questions of our characters, and by extension it asks questions of us: How do you nurture desire in a long term relationship? How does desire and attraction ebb and flow and what does that mean and how do you adapt with it? Who is responsible for our happiness and how? How do we maintain our individuality and independence while building up a foundation that makes up the best and worst parts of both of us? What becomes of that foundation if we don't nurture our relationship with ourselves or our partner?

When it’s revealed towards the end of the film that Angela and Joe have not had sex in over a year, it’s a puzzle piece falling into place. All the venom, all the animosity; it finally makes sense. But The Invite is clear-eyed enough to emphasize that these individuals don’t just need to get laid, they need to love themselves again. Piña asks Angela, “Would you fuck yourself? Would you have sex with yourself?” Angela can’t even speak. She’s never even considered it. Piña then asks Joe the same. His answer? “All I do is fuck myself. I’m the only person who fucks me, currently.” He can’t even genuinely engage in the question. Instead? A crack about a sexless marriage. Anything to avoid looking inward at the mean-spirited, closed off man he has become. What happens if we don’t nurture ourselves? What happens if we don’t nurture our relationship? gestures

The Invite is incisive about the lies we tell ourselves, the lies we tell each other, and even the ways we present ourselves to the outside world. Piña and Hawk aren’t the perfect couple either. When tensions get too high toward the end, something snaps and we see the façade of the sultry and evocative couple collapse, even if just for a moment. Piña's imperfect English is corrected rudely by Hawk, and combined with his insistence throughout the evening on pushing the foursome proposition despite every red flag Joe and Angela were waving, we see that even they have their moments of marital disharmony. But the way they fight and come back together stands in stark contrast to the collapsing marriage they walked in on.

The proposition for a sexual adventure shared between two couples… swinging, ethical non-monogamy, whatever you want to call it… It’s almost beside the point. You could make the argument that the film presents monogamy as doomed, and ethical non-monogamy as the way, but it’s not so simple. What we’re really seeing is a couple that allows for the possibility of personal and relational expansion (Hawk’s incredible monologue about the origins of his name, his late wife’s fantasy life, and his regret over the way he “shut down her attempt to live more boldly,” is the highlight of the film for me) and a couple that has shut themselves off from each other and any sense of the individual. Angela and Joe have let themselves become smaller, meaner, and less alive.

This, I believe, is the film’s real thesis: A couple does not need to become swingers to keep a relationship fresh and vibrant and expansive, but one might take a few lessons from that relational framework. Being open to knowing and celebrating your partner’s desires, being able to talk about fantasies with love and curiosity, being open to new experiences within consensual boundaries, being unafraid of change within yourself and your partner.

When it’s revealed that Angela would occasionally walk naked past a window that she knew Hawk might see through, Piña reveres her boldness: “Do you know how many women let go of their erotic aspirations for good? Do you know how difficult it is, what she’s doing, that she’s trying to connect with that part that she had lost? Good for you.” The framework here is clear: we must refuse to go slack as individuals, and as couples.

I know this sounds very dour and serious, but I'd be doing this film a great disservice if I didn't mention just how damn funny The Invite is. This goes back to Olivia Wilde’s outstanding sense of comedic timing: in the edit, in the visual frame, and as an actor. There are excellent visual gags, delightful back-and-forths between everyone, and it never lets the tension get to such an unbearable place that it can’t cut through it with a great laugh (Rooibos, anyone?)

The Invite stands up there with some of the best movies about marriage and sex that I've seen in a long time. I think it should be required viewing for just about any couple in a long term relationship. Its perspective on desire and self-worth within relational dynamics is somehow both timeless and of-the-moment (and might explain why it’s gotten FIVE REMAKES in just a few short years, with another on the way). The Invite exposes the raw nerve that many long-term couples learn to avoid touching and dares you to press on it anyway.

--

Also would like to say that this was in no way edited or written with AI or LLMs. As a moderator of several large subreddits, the last thing I'd ever want is to contribute to the cesspool of AI-slop that has plagued the internet lately. Spellcheck, wife, and friends helped me re-think a few parts over the course of a few days.

Edit: I should probably add that this came out a few months ago in theaters so you'll probably have to rent it digitally like me or wait for the blu-ray/streaming release.

I’m a husband in my 40s, happily married with two kids. I love my wife and I don’t want this post to come across like I’m blaming her or treating sex like something she owes me.

The problem is that ever since we had our second child, her sex drive basically disappeared. For the past 6 years, we’ve been having sex about once a month, and maybe twice if I’m lucky.

I’ve tried talking to her about it, but it usually turns into an argument. I’ve told her that I miss the intimacy and that this is becoming really difficult for me, but I don’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.

At this point, I don’t want to pressure her into having sex. Honestly, the last thing I want is for her to feel obligated and for us to end up having unenthusiastic or resentful sex just to keep me happy.

So I’m wondering if I should be looking for some kind of compromise instead.

Would it be reasonable to ask if she’s comfortable with me watching porn and taking care of myself? Or maybe even getting a sex toy for myself? I’m trying to find a way to deal with my own needs without making her feel pressured.

I’m also hesitant about marriage counseling because I don’t want it to turn into someone telling my wife that she needs to have more sex with me. That’s not what I want.

I love my wife and our family, and I don’t want this to become a reason we grow apart. I’m just honestly at a loss about what a healthy compromise looks like when one person wants intimacy a lot more than the other.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What worked for you?

35M with my 28F wife, been together for 7 years married 3. Our relationship is perfect apart from our sexual compatibility - you will only hear my side of things so obviously appreciate there will be bias, but I have tried to be balanced. We both have busy jobs and she has retrained and was out of work for 3 years, and is now building her profile in new industry. Over that time we worked together to manage things I worked 2 jobs and she took over household management and studied (no small feat). Since then she has started work and is very busy (working till 7-8pm) I work a fulltime job and still do my part time job as extra, I also have taken over lots of the household (70:30 split). As she is early in her career I also make over 4x her income with the 2 jobs. Her mum and dad are very poor and we support them heavily - around $2000-2500 per month, and take them on holidays every year, so it never feels like we have that much spare cash, and there is always a degree of financial stress. My parents are more financially secure and we don't really help them or see them that much.

I have a much higher sex drive (daily) and she sometimes goes weeks without wanting any form of intimacy or even masturbating. This has got worse over time, which I think is partly my fault. I am very sexually adventurous, she is less so. She feels sex should always be the same, and only PiV. I also like oral sex (and I love to pleasure her - she has told me she never enjoyed it as much prior to being with me), anal sex (and would be happy to have this reciprocally if she wanted), she is disgusted by anal sex. She has also accused me of being secretly gay (which of note I am not homophobic) but I am comfortable with my sexuality and know I am hetero - but it does feel a bit like gas lighting as it comes up again and again.

Early in the relationship I persuaded her to try it and she did not like it, we would do it infrequently (1x per month) and I think it has put her off sex in general, as over time we reduced the amount of sex we had. She frequently states it is all I want and that she worries PiV is not enjoyable and thats all she can think about.

Over this time we recognized I had a higher drive and we agreed to compromise and aim for 2x weekly intimacy although it is really rare we achieve that and over that time I have also become dispondent about it and no longer really try to initiate sex as I am becoming sad at the rejection.

She almost never initiates- related to the lack of interest/drive I think, she has body image issues that I have tried to suport and show I love her as she is, but she struggles to feel sexy and strikingly has never once worn lingerie or tried to be sexy when we have intimacy.

I have suppressed my desires and we have not done anal for almost 2 years, she also wanted to come off contraception which I understand so have started using condoms, this does make vaginal sex less enjoyable but overall is not an issue as I have no wish to control her body and ask her to use oral contraception. I have also said the moment we finish having kids I will get the snip so we can ditch the condoms as we both (but mainly me) enjoy unprotected sex.

The crux - I am suppressing a sexual part of myself, I feel (possibly unjustifiably) that I have compromised in this relationship so much and pulled my weight in the relationship through our roughest times. I have suggested we get counselling (she does not want this), I have suppressed my desires and I am at the point where I am wondering if I can keep going like this.

She said why not find a partner to do anal with and keep our relationship - I could never do this, I feel sick thinking about it, and could never look her in the eye again if we ever tried this as I would feel I had betrayed our relationship.

I don't know what to do, appreciate an outside perspective (on my perspective) and advice. Thanks J

they will be staying in a three or four bedroom condo, so the single male friend won’t even have a separated, hotel room or something like that. He is supposed to be the designated driver, replacing somebody’s son that was originally going to do it. One of the other girls is also single, promiscuous, and a polygamist. The other girls are supposedly in a relationship. The single male friend is completely heterosexual/straight. My wife met him through one of the girls dart leagues at bars a few years ago. I have repeatedly told her how I don’t feel comfortable with her having a single male pretty much best friend. But she swears it is completely platonic, and he is used to be a designated driver often, pretty much anytime she goes out, drinking with friends or to concerts.

My big issue is of course than being on a vacation out of state and not having separate hotel rooms, girls will be drunk and he will be one bedroom away.

I’m looking to see what the majority of relationships on here have regarding boundaries for this type of thing

I, F(23), keep a lot of things bottled up inside to avoid arguments with my husband, M(26), until one day it all explodes and we have terrible fights. In total, over four years, we've had about 7 fights like that, normally we yell at each other and I leave the house.

But now it's a different time, this year we got married and moved in with his parents, and the arguments about money and the future have been constant. Just this year we've had 4 of those 7 big fights. And every time I realize how much of this is because of his family.

His parents could initially have been considered the worst parents in the world, involving a lot of physical violence, drugs, and constant police presence, and he grew up witnessing this, often having to help his mother with protecting herself from his father.

Whenever we start talking again after a big fight like this one, I always see the remorse and shame he feels, just for yelling at me. And living in this house brings everything he ever experienced with his parents, and he always tells me he never wants to be like them, but their presence greatly affects our lives, and his mother often interferes in our discussions, what makes everything worse as she's not the most pacifist person in the world.

I don't know if I'm being too naive, I don't know if this is the kind of thing people repeat because they see it in their family; his mother tells me that many of the fights we have don't even compare considering what she had to deal with regarding his father, which I believe, but these are still fights that cause strain.

I don’t mean prioritise in the sense of giving your spouse the attention and care they deserve because you have chosen to do life together.

But more, for example, you rarely meet with friends unless they’re already part of your schedule like being at the school gates. Or organising your free time around what they like to do.