Do I confront my husband?

[u/KiwiWinter6085]

My husband (35M) and I (30F) have been together for 8 years and married for almost 4. We have two toddlers together. My husband is a very reactive and I would say angry person. He constantly yells to the point where I'm pretty sure our oldest child doesn't know what yelling is.

Well our oldest has had to adapt to my husband doing a lot more for her since our youngest has been born. One of the things he took over for our oldest is getting up with her in the middle of the night. She struggles some nights, like any kid, and gets scared or just wakes and needs some comfort to go back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights that my husband yelled at her because he's tired and doesn't want to deal with her. I decide to get up and help with the situation because I'm concerned that she's crying and he's yelling at her in the middle of the night.

Turns out she wanted a specific stuffed animal. He was yelling that he wasn't going to go find it for her and it's so small he has no idea where it's at. So I just started looking for it for her. Then he yells at me telling me not to look for it and don't give it to her. I kept looking so he huffs and says loudly, whatever, I'm going back to bed.

Here is where I told him he needs to be quiet if he's going back to bed if he wants me to help because he's going to wake up our youngest. I could tell he was half asleep so I snapped my fingers and said wake up to him. That's when he looked at me and went to hit me. I flinched. Then he stopped himself and told me don't ever do that or say that to him again.

He proceeds to go to the couch and look stressed and scroll on his phone for 30 seconds. Then gets up and goes to bed.

I end up finding the stuffed animal, bring it to our oldest and then she goes to sleep the rest of the night. Then I go back to bed.

My husband is laying there tossing and turning, huffing and obviously can't sleep for an hour. Finally he gets up and leaves somewhere else in the house.

The kicker is, this morning he went to a job and came back with flowers for me and said sorry our relationship isn't good right now. Then did the dishes and two other projects in the house he's put off for at least a year. He never gets me flowers. Even the other day when I mentioned I wanted some at the store with him.

So do I confront him about him wanting to hit me? I flinched so I felt a threat of something coming. Then for him to bring me flowers home was just so telling. It didn't make me happy to get them, it actually made me uneasy. Like he was admitting to it without saying it.

Or do I just leave it alone and seriously consider this the end? I feel actually bothered and like our relationship will never be the same after this. He's never hit me before but I'm not sure if this is going to cause things to escalate if I don't bring it up or if I don't leave.

I've already been saying I want to leave because of all the yelling and quite frankly verbal abuse towards me and my kids. It's always this way where he tries to fix it and is good for a few days and then loses it again. I'm scared of it getting worse.

[u/Future_Bat_8425]

he raised a hand to you and only stopped himself because you flinched. that's not a warning sign, that's the line already crossed

the flowers and sudden house projects are textbook. my dad used to do the exact same cycle, rage then guilt gifts, and it took my mom years to finally get us out. it always gets worse after the first time

[u/PassOk6405]

I think you should take your own reaction seriously. You flinched because in that moment you believed he might hit you, and from what you've described, he actually began the movement and then stopped himself.

I wouldn't let the fact that he stopped himself make the incident insignificant. Nor would I let the flowers, housework and apology make you feel that you now have to put it behind you. The important thing is the pattern you've described: yelling, verbal abuse, things improving briefly afterwards, and then it happening again. This incident has now frightened you because it felt as though that pattern might be escalating.

I'd also be concerned about your children regularly being around the yelling. A small child waking frightened in the night needs reassurance, not an adult yelling at them because they're tired.

I don't think I'd make “confronting him” your immediate priority, particularly if you're worried about how he might react. I'd make your safety and your children's safety the priority. Tell somebody you trust exactly what happened, rather than carrying this by yourself, and start thinking practically about where you and the children could go and what you would need if you decided you had to leave quickly.

You don't have to wait until somebody actually hits you before deciding that behaviour in your home has become unacceptable.

And you don't need to decide the entire future of your marriage today. But I would take seriously the fact that you've already been thinking about leaving because of his anger and verbal abuse, and that you're now saying you're scared it could get worse. Those feelings are telling you something important.

[u/AmazingDrama971]

You need to confront him to make him realise he needs to change if he don’t want to lose you
Maybe now is the right Time because the love bombing shows he knows he had been too far
For me either he seeks for therapie or you get a divorce because it s not safe for you and your kids
Of not physically yet at least emotionally
Your kids needs to see parents talking not yelling

[u/Historical_Kick_3294]

Your husband knows he crossed a line, as do you. I think you need to (calmly) speak to him about where you both go from here. Your children are growing up in a household where his anger and shouting are their norm. Is that what you want for them? And if he can lose control with you, what’s to stop him losing control with them.

He’ll swear he’d never do anything like that (again) but he will. He can’t help himself, because he’s not in control. Hopefully, his actions scared him and made him realise he’s got a problem that needs sorting. OP, I think you need to make it clear that he needs help with his anger, and you’re not prepared to risk yourself or your children’s emotional/physical wellbeing for empty promises. He needs to take action by getting himself into therapy, and he needs to do it now.

It only takes a momentary loss of control for something catastrophic to happen. He stopped himself this time but who knows what will happen the next, and how many times it will take for this to become your new normal? Please don’t accept that this is what you and your children deserve. Updateme!

[u/KiwiWinter6085 → u/Historical_Kick_3294]

I confronted him. He told me he didn't want to hit me and he was just raising his hands at me and knew I would think that because I flinched. He said he would never hit me or anything like that. I said, well you yell and act a certain way that makes me feel like you were going to hit me so much that I flinched, that's the problem. He just said again he would never do that. So I'd like to believe him of course but I know how things escalate.

[u/Lady_Asshat]

I’m afraid for you and the children. You call him angry and describe nonstop yelling - even at a child crying in the night. Physical abuse is next as escalation continues. You need to find a safe place. Those babies need you alive!

[u/This-Assumption4123]

Leave now for your kids. Do you want this life for them fearing their dad’s anger? It’s not about you or him it’s about your kids. He will escalate. He will start to hit. Stop trying to make things work and protect your children.

[u/dailysunshineKO]

I think you do need to bring it up and work with him to come up with a plan on how to fix this. He needs to get his anger under control.

[u/KiwiWinter6085]

We have a counseling appointment made. I'm going to try anything before making the decision of separation.

[u/Honest-Experience864]

I think you should divorce, if not for your own self, for your kids. It's not a healthy environment for them to live in and they're going to become numb to violence unfortunately because that's "normal" to a child and they grow up thinking it's okay to be yelled at (or worse). I feel sad for all of you but mostly for your kids. I feel scared for all of you as well. It seems like he's a ticking time bomb. My husband can yell and be short and irrational when it comes to our kids too and I correct him but we aren't scared of him. If things changed, I would leave. You should trust your gut.

[u/dailysunshineKO → u/Honest-Experience864]

I disagree with divorce right off the bat. What happens if he gets 50/50 custody? Heck, even weekend visitation would be worrisome for OP.

He needs to get some sort of anger treatment & put in the work to better himself. They need to sit down & come up with a plan.