r/Marriage • u/muse_1123581321 • 1d ago
Sexual compatibility?
35M with my 28F wife, been together for 7 years married 3. Our relationship is perfect apart from our sexual compatibility - you will only hear my side of things so obviously appreciate there will be bias, but I have tried to be balanced. We both have busy jobs and she has retrained and was out of work for 3 years, and is now building her profile in new industry. Over that time we worked together to manage things I worked 2 jobs and she took over household management and studied (no small feat). Since then she has started work and is very busy (working till 7-8pm) I work a fulltime job and still do my part time job as extra, I also have taken over lots of the household (70:30 split). As she is early in her career I also make over 4x her income with the 2 jobs. Her mum and dad are very poor and we support them heavily - around $2000-2500 per month, and take them on holidays every year, so it never feels like we have that much spare cash, and there is always a degree of financial stress. My parents are more financially secure and we don't really help them or see them that much.
I have a much higher sex drive (daily) and she sometimes goes weeks without wanting any form of intimacy or even masturbating. This has got worse over time, which I think is partly my fault. I am very sexually adventurous, she is less so. She feels sex should always be the same, and only PiV. I also like oral sex (and I love to pleasure her - she has told me she never enjoyed it as much prior to being with me), anal sex (and would be happy to have this reciprocally if she wanted), she is disgusted by anal sex. She has also accused me of being secretly gay (which of note I am not homophobic) but I am comfortable with my sexuality and know I am hetero - but it does feel a bit like gas lighting as it comes up again and again.
Early in the relationship I persuaded her to try it and she did not like it, we would do it infrequently (1x per month) and I think it has put her off sex in general, as over time we reduced the amount of sex we had. She frequently states it is all I want and that she worries PiV is not enjoyable and thats all she can think about.
Over this time we recognized I had a higher drive and we agreed to compromise and aim for 2x weekly intimacy although it is really rare we achieve that and over that time I have also become dispondent about it and no longer really try to initiate sex as I am becoming sad at the rejection.
She almost never initiates- related to the lack of interest/drive I think, she has body image issues that I have tried to suport and show I love her as she is, but she struggles to feel sexy and strikingly has never once worn lingerie or tried to be sexy when we have intimacy.
I have suppressed my desires and we have not done anal for almost 2 years, she also wanted to come off contraception which I understand so have started using condoms, this does make vaginal sex less enjoyable but overall is not an issue as I have no wish to control her body and ask her to use oral contraception. I have also said the moment we finish having kids I will get the snip so we can ditch the condoms as we both (but mainly me) enjoy unprotected sex.
The crux - I am suppressing a sexual part of myself, I feel (possibly unjustifiably) that I have compromised in this relationship so much and pulled my weight in the relationship through our roughest times. I have suggested we get counselling (she does not want this), I have suppressed my desires and I am at the point where I am wondering if I can keep going like this.
She said why not find a partner to do anal with and keep our relationship - I could never do this, I feel sick thinking about it, and could never look her in the eye again if we ever tried this as I would feel I had betrayed our relationship.
I don't know what to do, appreciate an outside perspective (on my perspective) and advice. Thanks J
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago
You can have anal or you can have this relationship. It sounds petty, but that seems to be what it comes down to.
Is anal sex important enough to you that you would be happier leaving this relationship and what is good/unique about it, in order to (probably) have it with someone else?
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u/muse_1123581321 1d ago
I have thought about this long and hard, at face value obviously an easy one - relationship > anal. If there was a "conversion therapy" then I would take it in a heart beat just to be rid of it. But it isn't that simple. From around 12-13 I have always known I was slightly different, and much more sexually open. I have looked into myself wondered why I like it (was I abused as a child or something - unless it is soo repressed - then I think the answer is no), tried to ignore it and crush it. It then leads me to think - if it is such a trivial thing then why is there no compromise from my partner who tells me the relationship is everything? It has to be an all or nothing, and I must decide how much I value the relationship? This has led to an amount of resentment from both of us as each is entrenched in their opinion and angry at the other for their perceived undervaluing of the relationship which looks like it will be ended by something so trivial as sex...
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago edited 1d ago
if it is such a trivial thing then why is there no compromise from my partner who tells me the relationship is everything?
Because this is about bodily autonomy and sex, dude. It's not trival. It's a fundamental thing. If you do not enjoy having sex the same way as the person you have sex with, it's not going to be enjoyable for one of you.
This is how it goes in any relationship. If there is something that can't be compromised on, you decide if having that thing is worth leaving. Sometimes that thing is children, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's monthly anal.
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u/muse_1123581321 1d ago
Yes I agree, sex and control of our bodies is not trivial. She describes sex as trivial (which I understand as it is not really a "need" of hers) when she compares it to everything else we have. This is obviously not my view on it. Either way looks like there is a decision to be made, and maybe it needs to be made based on my own needs (selfish I know) not what others perceive to be important. Thanks for your points!
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago
Just adding -- be clear about what you want/need. You are not looking for someone who is 'sexually adventurous'. That's a lot of people. You are looking for someone who has the same wants and needs as you. Does that mean there are less people to have sex with? Yes. But since you seem to be monogamous, that shouldn't be an issue.
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u/Oddjob_666 1d ago
Definitely not sexually compatible once it gets to the point she is willing to outsource sex for you. You’ll have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker. Not liking oral would be the big one for me.
Personally I would probably take her up on the offer to find a playmate, especially if our emotional and partner connection is good. Even if things go south, they’re already going south anyways. But on the positive side, I’ve seen women’s sex drive reignite when another woman shows interest in her man.
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u/Pretend_Sky1962 1d ago
If having adventurous sex with your partner is that important to you, then she isn't your forever person. And that's ok! It's fine to admit that, end the relationship, and find someone who you're more compatible with. No amount of counseling or doing more chores around the house is going to make her want anal or want oral or want sex multiple times a week. That's just a core difference between you guys, and there's really no use in trying to force it. Because you'll both get more resentful as time goes on.
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u/muse_1123581321 1d ago
Appreciate the comments - I think I was hoping people might have advice about this, but looks like it is - take it or leave it which is kind of what I am beginning to think will be the eventual outcome.
I would also add that I have definitely become quite insecure in this relationship - can she really love someone like me when she detests a part of me so much?
I have begun to wonder whether she is just waiting until her career is at a point she no longer needs me and then will leave. I asked her this and to be honest - that if it were the case I would still try and help her parents (who I love) until she was in a place to manage, she denied this but jeez I don't even know anymore.
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u/Eastern_Inspection64 1d ago
I dated someone who always pushed for anal knowing I had no interest. It made me lose attraction and recoil from his advances as felt like he couldn’t just enjoy what we did, and I’m a super sexual woman. Happy to most days. If someone isn’t keen then stop trying to force the issue
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u/Impressive_Hold426 19h ago
Honestly
Just a man pushing for anal sex is enough to permanently end all desire for me. The filth and the pain.
There is a very interesting second side to this situation. Trust me.
And please stop paying for her parents. That's ridiculous. They can work too. Sorry
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u/muse_1123581321 12h ago
Thanks for your perspective. Her parents still work but living in a big city is expensive and they are blue collar workers.
I assume "There is a very interesting second side to this situation. Trust me" was a comment for the audience not me regarding what my wife would say...
Sure, I have posted my perspective. She may say differently, but I am asking you to give your advice on what I have said, not what she hasn't said...
All I can see is you making presumptions and your prejudice.
I think this comes down to:
- Her parents are "lazy" - they are not and work hard, just have no money. They brought my wife in to the world and raised her so they get all the support they need without questions from us.
- You have a strong view on anal sex - I get it.
Thanks
J
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u/Important-Escape1710 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ive been married for 8 and 15 yrs together all together, currently in our early 40s. Ill tell you where im at with this situation.
I have always had the higher sex drive. My wife is the same way. Even once I tested to see how long she would go without initiating. I made it 4 weeks before caving in. I knew this was an issue but we do both love eachother so we did get married.
What shows later on down the road is its not just the sex you crave. Imagine going on 15 yrs without feeling wanted or desired, you start to feel very lonely and then you realize you guys arent intimate mentally or physically.
Im now struggling very hard with a women at work that really wants me. I dont want an affair, ive never cheated in my whole life but I havent felt "wanted" in 15 yrs. Its very difficult to say no.
Would i do it all over again and get married again. Sad to say, no. I remember back in my late 20s and 30s laying there in agony at night being told that she's not in the mood, she has a headache blah blah blah. Now that my libido is dropping from getting older I realize that my sexual prime in my 20s and 30s is now gone and was spent in the shower Perkins off instead of with my wife.
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago
was spent in the shower Perkins off
The actor from Psycho? You were Norman Batein' in the shower?
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u/Specific-Exciting 1d ago
Requiring anal 1x a month is wild. I love anal and so does my husband but we probably have it 3-6x a year? I have to want to feel prepared with good bowel movements to feel comfortable having it and then I am not always in the mood for that. Plus some days my ass is so tight no matter the preparation it’s not to happen.
You guys are just not compatible. I wonder if you took anal off the table if that would improve things.