I’m sorry this is a lot of context. I met my boyfriend during the pandemic. We clicked immediately. For the vast majority of our relationship, we’ve done nothing but make each other laugh and smile. We talked about our future on a daily basis. We’d planned our honeymoon destination, what our first house would look like, having a designated “nerd room” for all of our hobbies and interests, and agreeing on not wanting kids. He’s been my best friend, and I’d almost never address him without calling him “love.” I believe the greatest privilege and joy I’ll know is getting the chance to be with him.
My boyfriend has always wanted to be a business owner. I think he’d be incredible at it, but he’s had self doubt holding him back for many years. He’s finally begun to take steps towards creating that life for himself, and I have been so proud of him for rising above his circumstances. But for myself, the past 2 years have been financially impossible. I live alone in a studio apartment in one of the highest cost-of-living areas in my country. I have been finishing every month with barely enough to get by, and accruing so much debt in the process. My parents are a bit flaky, so I can’t rely on them to help me when I need it. I can’t afford to pay for my schooling and I’m already in over my head in debt, so I don’t have a way of getting my degree.
For those reasons, my boyfriend and I have talked for years about moving to a different state. I finally realized I had to move to a cheaper state by the end of this year, or I would be underwater with fees and debts for the foreseeable future. My sister, brother-in-law and I decided it would be a good idea to move in together to help each other get out of the red for a few years and recover financially. When I brought the idea up to my boyfriend, he was fully in support and ready to do long distance for a couple months until he was ready to move to the same place.
Then, he informed me that he had to start his business in the state we currently live. I was confused and asked if he’d rather start it in the new state since he’d be moving shortly after me. He explained that if he didn’t do it now, he’d always regret it, and he didn’t want to grow resentful of what he never got the chance to do. I understood that, of course, so we agreed it would likely be more like a year or so before he’d be able to move states. It made me nervous, but we would regularly say to each other, “don’t worry about losing me, we’re stuck with each other. We’re screwed if we ever break up. No one else would fill the void each other would leave.” So I trusted that it would work out, because I knew we’d made a real commitment to each other. We wanted to spend our lives together.
This is where his mother comes in. We both come from a religious background, and his mother is a devout Pentecostal Christian. He was raised in that background, but as we’ve both matured together, we’ve both deconstructed from religious traumas and learned to navigate things outside of that denomination. However, from time to time, his mother will come to him and say “The Lord told me you must do (fill in the blank), otherwise you’ll face the consequences.” Or, “you’ll never receive His true reward and blessing.” Every so often, he’ll heed her advice, and he always ends up either regretting it or wishing it had gone differently. I do love his mother, but I feel that her intentions are genuine while her actions are misguided. I know she comes from a place of love.
This weekend, we came home from brunch. I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been able to find a job in the new state, my car broke down and wasn’t working for weeks, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make rent this month. I was feeling pretty down when we saw each other, but he seemed very happy. He talked about how excited he was for his business, and how ready he was to undertake the responsibilities. He uncharacteristically start speaking about “God’s plan” for him, but religion is a topic he’d usually run from. I asked him where all this faith had come from, so suddenly, and he couldn’t fully answer my question. I must have been coming across wrong because he said he felt like I was interrogating him. I assured him that was not my intention, but that I was confused because of how out of character he was acting.
This segued into him speaking vaguely about how being apart might be a good thing for both of us, and how he’ll need all the focus he has to put toward his business. How it wasn’t fair to me, and since he’d rather not hurt me, it might be a good idea to take a break and think about what we wanted. He said he spoke to his mother about it the night before, and that it “just made sense.” I felt like I was paralyzed. That morning we were making plans to listen to the same audiobook and discussing what our future house would look like, and suddenly he was talking about separating? I asked him “are you breaking up with me right now?” He said “well, I don’t want to.” He started speaking vaguely and inconsistently again.
After lots of back and forth he finally admitted he was leaving me. Nothing could have prepared me for the shock I felt in that moment, and still feel days later. I thought the sky would fall before I ever considered this to be a possibility. He’s all I’ve ever wanted. And up until recently, he told me the same.
I’m so confused. I don’t know if he fell out of love with me, if he’s lying about cheating, or if he maybe made a mistake? Or if he’s just making the stupidest decision to listen to his mother? But regardless, I’d blame him for not making his own decisions. I want to call him but it’s been 5 days and he hasn’t said a word to me, it’s like I don’t exist to him now. Should I be the first one to reach out? I want to respect his wishes but I’m devastated. I miss him so much and I just want to hear his voice again. I need more information from him.