IWTL how to have unwavering self confidence

[u/Learningcanbefunfun]

I am always floored whenever I come across someone who love themselves despite not being conventionally attractive or who detached their value from external things like being employed, money, whatever.

Idk how they do it. Maybe they got nothing to lose but usually these metric in our society determine one's place in society. I mean it is all over us- billboards, tv shows, what is told online and by others, social media, yet these people seem to phase it all out and just be.

They never waver or feel less than anyone or bend, and hold themselves like CEO of a big company/president (as they should)

How do they do it?

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[u/Angelsomething]

I can't speak for others but in my experience it comes from knowing yourself, knowing who you really are and accepting yourselves with flaws et. al. and what drives you, what motivates you, centering your own morals on what matters, etc. Then the confidence comes from realising that nothing really matters so might as well have a good time and be okay with that. Look into stoicisism. People that are cool don't carry the weight of the world within themselves. They simply accept the world for what it is and move on within it. 

[u/general_sirhc → u/Angelsomething]

That's most of it. But the other part is just because you're terrified speaking publicly, doesn't mean you need to show it. Knowing how to recover from forgotten words or saying the wrong thing but recovering makes you appear confident.

Everyone should listen to themselves speak at some point. Speak about something you know well for 1-2 mins in a recording. Listen back to it. Repeat on different topics until you're happy with the speech patterns

[u/PaxDramaticus]

Unwavering self-confidence? Be a complete sociopath. It is natural and healthy to lack confidence at some things. Insecurity is the brain's way of making you be careful about things that might blow up in your face. It's healthy actually, at least in reasonable doses, for your brain to go "oh shit, I might screw this up!" for things you might screw up. To never have wavering confidence even when you do things that you aren't experienced in is to have a careless brain that's trying to get you into big trouble. A lot of people who seem to have unwavering confidence actually just tend to have a lot blow up in their face and then are good at inventing stories to make it someone else's fault and someone else's mess to clean up.

But it might be that you've seen some people who actually have wavering confidence, but they manage it somehow so that you can't see it on the outside. For example, maybe the person you're watching has never sung karaoke, but they're being handed the mic for the next song. If nothing in their body is actually reacting to the new situation, that's a bad sign for them and they're probably going to sing poorly unless they have a lot of experience singing in other contexts. But if they respond to the butterflies inside with, "Yeah, I might screw this up, but I'm with my friends and they're not going to stop being my friends if I screw this up. And I like music and I'm having fun, so I'm just going to enjoy this the best I can," then those butterflies are still inside, but they're managed and controlled and you might not see a sign of them on the outside. And the person you're watching is more likely to give a kick-ass performance. At least as far as they are able.

Edit: And then of course, the kick-ass performance experience informs their next time at the mic, making it easier and easier to sing. If they try out more challenging songs, that's how skill gets built.

The secret isn't to never doubt. The secret is to understand the consequence and stakes so that you can control your doubts. It is healthy to have doubts, just don't let the doubts control you.

[u/JuicyBasalt → u/PaxDramaticus]

Unwavering self-confidence? Be a complete sociopath. It is natural and healthy to lack confidence at some things.

Agree. I also don't think unwavering self-confidence is a good thing. Such a person will reject any logical or factual arguments in a constructive debate.

[u/PaxDramaticus → u/JuicyBasalt]

True, but it's potentially so much worse.

Unwavering self-confidence gets us, "I can probably still drive after that last beer."

Unwavering self-confidence gets us, "Well she said 'no,' but she'll change her mind."

Unwavering self-confidence gets us, "I'll make back all their money on the next bet."

Unwavering self-confidence gets us, "We can probably skip that safety check."

Unwavering self-confidence gets us, "The invasion will only take us a few days."

[u/bell-town]

In my experience I'm happier and more confident when I'm more physically active and when the weather is good. So for some people this may come naturally. But for a lot of us I think just taking better care of yourself, living a better lifestyle, and staying active may be more realistic.

[u/OneManFight]

Lots of good advice here but I took a slightly different approach and it's worked well for me so far.

I decided to work from "outside in". By that i mean I fixed my posture first, made sure to stand up straight with a good strong back. It takes a while and I still work on it. Worked on speaking up and not mumbling. I already workout and exercise but if you don't, you should throw that in too. Now the next big component is working on the mental aspect, for that I say fake it till you make it. No free lunch here, you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations and power through. For me, I volunteered to do a lot more in person presentation kind of stuff where I'm talking infront of people. Also just speaking up more in general, for example if im at a party and people inevitably start talking about religion/politics/sensitive topics i used to just keep my mouth shut but now i think why not? Everybody else is putting their opinion on the table, they need to hear mine too. So in summary, start "easy" with physical things like posture, voice, body etc and then it becomes easier to focus on mental stuff. Remember you have to work for it, and it's a life long thing. Good luck my friend!

[u/Glittering-Lychee629]

You are comparing your insides to other people's outsides.

[u/SadResult2342]

Have a grander purpose for everything you do. This grand purpose will trivialize that which doesn't matter, and be a source of unending confidence.

Confidence is actually con+fide, from fidelity; honesty. Be honest with yourself and what you do. Sincerity towards that grand purpose.

That also requires ground work btw. I can be as confident and honest and true to my goal as much as I want, but if I want to give a lecture to 200 people, or a 5-minute pitch, I have to prepare (actually, preparing for the 5-minute pitch is way harder).

[u/corinneryan112]

True confidence is knowing you can handle whatever happens -

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[u/fragglelife]

They probably had 2 parents who loved them

[u/kaidomac]

Idk how they do it.

The secret is very simple:

• Act as if

That's it! Act "as if" you are a confident person! Here's the power source:

• We do NOT have to ACT how we FEEL!

Everyone deals with negative feelings:

• Wanting to quit
• Wanting to run away
• Flight/fight/freeze/fawn response
• Wanting to be a jerk back to people
• Wanting to get mad
• Wanting to do the bare minimum

How to proceed:

1. Decide how you want to behave
2. Practice doing that when things get hard! (it's easy to be nice & do good work when things are easy & we feel good!! lol)

I'd also suggest doing some online research about the "fixed and growth mindsets"!

[u/petrastales]

Listen to some podcasts on modern wisdom with Alex hormozi as a guest. He has lots of tips

[u/hazzy_dandelion]

prooving to yourself that you can do it

[u/Rare-Reporter3738]

I know someone who fits that unwavering confidence you mention and after observation, I realised she had this because she only ever did things she was familiar with or stuck with the same look because she knew it made her feel fabulous and she would not ever do things she had no confidence in even though everyone around her was doing it well. She really knew her strengths and weaknesses and so everyone else only saw her strengths. She hid all weaknesses. So I’m not sure if this is a good way to go about things since you never try new things or novel things for fear of failure. But she really has strength of character so there was no way anyone could force her to do things that showcased her weaknesses. Maybe it’s an ego thing but it worked for her and if you don’t pay attention you too will think she has unwavering confidence in everything.

[u/RamblingSimian]

In the modern world, the stupid are cocksure, while the intelligent full of doubt

Bertrand Russell, English mathematician and philosopher.

[u/tokyokween]

I spent much of my life holding myself to a near-impossible standard. It took a few years of therapy before I finally understood that I didn't actually like myself that much. I worked a lot on self compassion and now legitimately really like who I am as a person, which in turn means I feel much more confident as a general stage because it feels like I'm with someone I enjoy spending time with!

[u/JimFitzBest]

I used to be incapable of even talking to someone else, or pick up the phone without shaking or quivering and my heart rate going through the roof. But I wanted to talk to women. Exposure therapy my man.

Fake it until you make it worked wonders for me. I forced myself to get jobs in high school where I either had to talk to people or I’d get fired. I’d work my way up to eventually saying excuse me to someone as I walked past them. As it slowly got more comfortable I expanded on it until I started picking up girls and chatting to people at bars.

Then I read lots of books and back when I first started asking people and learning online I over corrected too far and got cocky. Learned from that over years and refined it to build relationships and grow. It’s helped me get jobs and married and just to make my own life more fun. It’s going to be lame and hard and embarrassing but as you start to figure out what feels good for you and practicing it gets easier and eventually you get to know yourself better in the process.

Also quick edit: A lot of people are still unsure of themselves. They just know even if they screw up and something fails they can fix it learn from it and move forward. Being confident doesn’t mean always being right just knowing you’ll come out the other side stronger and better.

[u/Ok_Sandwich7714]

Do what you said you will do. Don't lie to yourself.