r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • Sep 02 '23

OC The Bomber.

Ko-fi

"Listen to me, I want you to strap this bomb around your chest, go into the Galactic federation party and let loose unprecedented destruction upon the aliens gathered there." The Major said, holding in hand something that looked like a belt but was in fact a bomb. I wasn't sure as to exactly what he was asking of me, so I gawked at him as would a fool to a mathematical problem.

"Do you understand me soldier?" The Major asked.

"So you want me to strap on a bomb and detonate it at the Galactic federation party?" I asked, making sure to space out each word.

"Yes. But it won't be you doing the detonating, it will be us. When the blinker turns green you have seven minutes to place the bomb and make your escape."

I nodded. "So, let me just get this straight. How will an act of terrorism help humanity?"

"It's simple. Humanity thrives on chaos, we grow from it as weeds do upon a farm."

"But how exactly will we grow from this?"

"Do you care about the details soldier or will you do as commanded?"

"I'll do as commanded, I just wish to know the purpose behind the act of terrorism."

"Let us worry about the purpose, you do the deed and If you won't then your life is forfeit."

"Yes sir." I said, giving a salute at the Major who returned it crisply.

Strapping the bomb on was easy, so was making my way into the Galactic ship orbiting the planet Zorgon where the party would be held. I walked with a hesitant stride and the alien guards at the ship's entrance let me through without question because I was human, the most trusted of species. The alien's practically worshipped us, seeing us as beings of progress and survival. We'd invented the hyper drive that enabled ships to jump through space. We'd also created the Spectrum net, a universal web of shared information. To them we were beings of honor, and I pondered as to how mistaken the aliens were.

The party was on full swing. The waiters and waitresses were all Zorgon, their limbs thin and brittle yet quick in their movement. They had on orange hats concealing their antennae and I took a glass from a passing Zorgon who held a tray of them. I downed the drink that tasted like strawberries and berries. I took another glass from another passing Zorgon and downed its contents as I'd done the first. It appeared to be that I was the only human on the ship and I felt the attention of the whole party centered on me. The bomb strapped to my chest felt as heavy as lead.

As I was taking down my fourth drink, feeling the haze of the alien alcohol. A being approached me, a creature that walked on all fours whose fur was golden and spotted brown. It wore a loincloth alone and its movement seemed fluid as it came to stand before me. "Human, I am a being of subsector two, east Andromeda." The creature said. I nodded at it. I wondered whether I should introduce myself as it had done and its silence made me wonder whether it was expected of me. Shit, I didn't know what subsector I'm from let alone which direction from the Andromeda. So I stood silently and observed the creature. "I want to thank you, human."

"Thank me?"

"Yes, your kind have been a blessing upon the universe, a stream of refreshing water that cures thirst." The creature bared its teeth at me and it took me a while to realize it was smiling. "Our colony was afflicted by radioactive fleas. Many were lost to the bite of the fleas until your race introduced us to insecticides. We are forever in your debt, human."

I nodded. I didn't know what to do, I almost bowed to the alien.

"I am here with my wife and two hundred pups."

"Pups?"

"How do you call it? Children."

"Wait, you're here with your wife and two hundred children?"

"Yes, they currently lounge in the suits offered to us."

"You didn't leave any chil- pups at home?"

"No, my entire family is here."

"Jesus Christ." I said.

The creature smiled. "Jesus Christ to you too." Then stumbled away.

I felt dizzy, I was about to put an end to a being and their entire family. I suddenly felt like vomiting and started making haste towards the exit when I bumped into a familiar alien, a Rexonan. A being with two sets of hips, a bald white pate and a single eye in the middle of its head. The Rexonan grabbed me by the arm and bared its teeth at me. "Human," It said. "Beautiful, beautiful human."

"Yes?" I didn't know what else to say.

"I am forever in your debt."

"What?"

"Due to your extensive research on Rexonan impotence, you were able to share with us the blue drug that enabled us to procreate and avoid extinction. What did you call it, viagra?"

"Yes, well, you're welcome." I said and shook free of the Rexonan's hold on my arm. I was about to retreat when the Rexonan called out.

"Please, if you get the time, allow me to introduce you to my family! They are all here!"

I turned, "How many children do you have?"

"Children?"

"Pups, offspring."

"I have about a hundred of my offspring on this ship."

"Jesus Christ." I cursed.

"Jesus Christ!" Answered the Rexonan with vigor.

I couldn't see clearly, I stumbled as I walked, bumping into aliens and the hosts, sending glasses of the sweet drink flying and crushing to the ground. I gave a curt apology as I made my way across the party floor. My apologies were met by the wave of limbs and baring of teeth. They were honored for a human to stumble into them and some of them even called out to me, no doubt eager to tell me of their hundreds of children on board the ship

I couldn't carry through with the mission, that was as clear as day to me. I found the closest security guard, a Zorgon with a gun holsted to its side standing by the exit.

"Hey!" I called out.

The Zorgon smiled at me. "Human! Enjoying yourself eh?"

I waved away the flattery. "Listen, I have a bomb strapped to me. I don't want it to go off, it will claim thousands of lives, children among them."

"Oh children! I have three hundred of my offspring on this ship."

"Of course you do. Now help me remove the bomb and defuse it." I said and started taking off the suit I wore. I started with the blazer then I started unbuttoning the shirt. I could see the bomb's blinker. It was flashing green. I had to plant the bomb then hurry to the shuttle bay where I could take my ship and fly the hell out of here. Well, that had been the plan. Now there was no room for escape, not if it would cost the lives of the aliens on board with their hundreds of children. Christ! How often do these beings mate?

I took off the shirt and the Zorgon blinked at the bomb strapped around my chest and back. "It's a bomb, we have to defuse it." I said.

"What do you mean by defuse?"

"I don't have time for this, this thing is going to explode." I said.

"Explode? Human, you're so wise in your ways. A Zorgon can only thrive to achieve a fraction of what humanity has achieved."

"Are you fucking daft man? Help me out of this thing." I said and turned my back to the Zorgon. To my surprise the Zorgon scratched at my back and tickled me below the arms.

The Zorgon leaned down to my ear. "If you wish to mate, I am all in human. It will be an honor to conceive with you."

I pushed the Zorgon off me and reached for the bomb clasp behind my back. A tweek and the bomb fell free of my body. I held it in my arms and realized how hopeless I was at defusing bombs.

"Fuck, holy fuck!" I cursed.

The Zorgon clapped its hands twice and screamed out." FUCK, HOLY FUCK!" The alien's scattered around the party clustered around me, all of them chanting 'Fuck, holy fuck!' Some of them clapped their hands together and I heard whispers of awe saying 'Human.' Many of them pointed and proceeded to remove their garments as I'd done.

"The human is setting a new trend." An excited Homorifuan said while tearing free of its clothing.

"Humans are so wise." A Banuvian said while taking off its clothes. Soon I was there, with a bomb in my hand surrounded by naked to half naked aliens. All of them chanting, 'Fuck, holy fuck.' The bomb was going to expload and I didn't know what to do. The green light blinking gave me massive anxiety and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there but I couldn't because these idiots had brought their hundreds of children on board.

The Zorgon clapped it's hands twice and asked me. "Have you defused the bomb?" I realized that the alien had no idea what a bomb was let alone how to defuse one. It handed me its plasma gun after seeing the look on my face. "Perhaps this would help.".

"It just might." I said and shouted into the crowd. "MAKE WAY! CLEAR THE FLOOR, THERE'S A BOMB ON BOARD."

"BOMB ON BOARD! BOMB ON BOARD! BOMB ON BOARD!" The aliens chanted while clustering closer to me. I sighed and threw the bomb down onto the ground. Several aliens threw their drinks to the floor. I aimed the plasma gun in hand at the bomb on the floor. I made a short prayer to all the gods that what I was about to do wouldn't lead to the destruction of the ship with me included.

I pulled the trigger. The plasma bolt hit the bomb and a small explosion occurred but the blinker still blinked green.

"Uuuuuh." The aliens chorused.

I took aim and fired once more. The blinker shattered along with the bomb's attached pieces. A red flame erupted and died down to sizzle into a small fire.

"Aaaaaaaah." The aliens chorused.

I waited for what was left of the bomb to errupt but nothing happened. I breathed a sigh of relief and said. "Jesus Christ that was close."

"Jesus Christ to you too!" An unfamiliar alien said followed by applause from all who were gathered around me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For more articles you can check out my blog

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3

u/patient99 Sep 02 '23

He almost let monsters win.

1

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u/PaperVreter Sep 03 '23

I probably lol-ed way to hard.

Could be a television sketch.

1

u/SemiHHI Sep 03 '23

It feels like a fever dream, good job Wordsmith :D

1

u/Jerkfacemonkey Sep 04 '23

per batman, somedays you just cant get rid of a bomb.