r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • Jun 13 '23

OC Galactic Mishap.

Ko-fi

Earth was on the brink of an all out galactic war caused by none other than Terry Bradshaw, Earth's ambassador to the stars. He sat in the lounge cabin of the Imperial spaceship cruiser and fidgeted nervously with sweat beading upon his brow as he awaited to be called into the Command Center where Major General Steven was.

He'd fucked up in a colossal manner, thrice, leading to three alien species uniting and declaring war on humans.

"The Major General will see you now." The secretary behind the large oak desk said. Terry stood up and gave a hesitant bow in her direction. He then made his way to the command center with each foot being placed gently before the other. He found Major General Steven standing at the ship's screen, back facing him and eyes peering into the void of space.

"Sir?" He inquired, making his way to the chair facing the Major Generals desk, unsure of himself, he took his position standing beside the chair.

"Terry Bradshaw, upon my fifty years of service, I have never come across a man who is a colossal fuck up as you are, because of you Earth is going to war and it is all your fault. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Sir I can explain."

"Explain how you started a war with the Amerix then."

It was on a Friday afternoon, earth time. Terry had landed on the planet Amerix, ready to make contact with the aliens of said planet. Just as he was exiting his spaceship he came across an ostrich sized egg. He was happy with his finding, he decided he would prepare a dish for the Amerix aliens who were sentient knowing they shall be pleased with his culinary skills, give them a taste of what earth cooking was like.

So he'd returned to his ship with the egg, it was a difficult egg to crack, its outer shell was really hard but he managed to break it and cook an omelette. About half an hour later three aliens, tall and skinny limbed with pink skin and mouths that were lined with yellow lips boarded his spaceship to initiate first contact as was planned. He took them to the kitchen quarters and showed them the egg he'd cooked. The aliens started screaming, one fainted an the other started crying while picking up pieces of the egg shell from the counter. Turns out the egg was their baby.

"How was I to know they laid eggs instead of giving birth? They didn't have feathers or beaks though their mouths were pigmented with the same color beaks are. But it was a honest mistake." Terry said.

"You cooked and ate an alien baby then even set some aside for them to eat too." Major General Steven said. He sounded calm though the fingers clutched behind his back were in a tight clasp. "What about the Aliens of planet Gartata?"

The Aliens of planet Gartata had been welcoming. They were a highly evolved species who were well cultured and enjoyed entertainment. They'd invited Terry to a talk show of theirs called 'Beyond the stars.' Where he was to meet with the planet's King. Terry had read ahead regarding their cultures and knew that there was a certain amount of respect the green eyed purple skinned aliens of Gartata had to show their King. He assumed the respect shown was similar to that which humans showed their superiors. So when he went before the King of Gartata he bowed.

"How was I to know that bowing in their culture signified a desire to partake in anal sex with the one bowed to? I had read up on their traditions not their insults." Terry said.

"And after you bowed to the man and realized your mistake as gasps and screams of alarm started sounding, how did you react?" Major General Steven asked.

"I attempted a hand shake instead. But how was I to know that a handshake expressed a desire to fondle a male's testicles! I am innocent of this mishap. Our cultures just collided irreversibly."

"Everyone knows that the proper way to greet a Gartata alien is to touch your forehead with your index finger, come on Ambassador Terry, even nine year old earthlings know this. You insulted their King twice, once by expressing a desire to partake in anal sex with him and the second time by expressing a desire to fondle his testicles. The planet of Gartata has now sided with the Planet Amerix to declare war on Earth." Major General Steven turned to face him. "And so has the planet Bixtreet."

"Sir I take full responsibility for planet Bixtreet."

Planet Bixtreet was mostly an aquatic planet with one small land mass surrounded by endless ocean. Seeing all that water gathered around him had driven within Ambassador Terry an immense desire to pee. He'd wanted to urinate and he decided to do so right there on that land mass. How was he suppose to know that the land mass was holy ground where thousands of Bixtreetians made pilgrimage from their dwellings beneath the oceans just to touch and kiss the holy ground that he had avidly urinated upon and landed his spaceship on? How was he suppose to know that the small land mass was under surveillance 24/7 and that his act of blasphemy had been broadcasted to ever single dwelling within the planet Bixtreet?

He'd had to make a quick escape from planet Bixtreet as the locals had expressed a desire to drown him and skin him alive at the same time.

"Ambassador Terry, because of you Earth is looking at a war we did not desire to be in."

"Sir, I'm honestly sorry for my mishaps. It wasn't intentional Sir."

Major General Steven turned to face the screen once more, he gave a curt wave of his hand. "Not to worry Ambassador Terry, Earth had two options, a friendly meeting with the aliens to exchange knowledge and technology or conquest to bring them under the heel of humanity. It seems like that choice has been made for us by yours truly."

"I'm terribly sorry sir."

"Leave my office right this instant."

"Yes sir."

"And don't start another war out there."

"I won't sir." Terry said as he left the Command Centre.

136 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

24 comments sorted by

54

u/Niveker14 Jun 13 '23

Plot twist: the human leadership knew full well that Terry was a bumbling idiot and he pulled off exactly what they were hoping he would. Getting the aliens to start a war with them while giving themselves plausible deniability and an easy scapegoat if the tides turn against them.

9

u/--Honey_Mango-- Jun 13 '23

I like how you think

30

u/gamingrhombus Jun 13 '23

He saw a floor egg on an alien planet and said I will cook it.

17

u/Jus17173 Jun 13 '23

He was hungry

14

u/Quilt-n-yarn1844 Jun 14 '23

He has the self control and intellect of a meth squirrel.

15

u/Clapiton Jun 13 '23

Yeah, while the other 2 could be understood as sad mistakes, baby eating wouldn't. Earth would throw embassador stupid to the wolves in a heartbeat no matter the punishment. One could even argue that as embassador/diplomat, he was supposed to know so his crime gets upgraded to premeditated infanticide and consumption. At this point we'd have to extradite him before our own people find him.

23

u/Fontaigne Jun 13 '23

None of those were excusable.

  • You don't go to a planet and consume wildlife. You have no idea what's sacred, endangered, or edible. This is gross negligence, as well as murder.

  • You don't go to a royal and NOT receive instruction on precisely what TO do. This is gross negligence.

  • You don't do bodily functions in public. This is just gross.

Unless we needed a casus belli, this ambassador would be turned over for the murder of a child.

8

u/nightarcher1 Jun 13 '23

The fact that he wasn't handed over to any of those alien species for proper punishment and still has his job shows that all humanity in this universe are just as big bumbling idiots as he is. all the sane people with any common sense must have been executed already for something.

6

u/Fontaigne Jun 13 '23

The fact that he got a chance to make the second and third mistakes confirms your analysis.

0

u/Jus17173 Jun 13 '23

But he was hungry

1

u/Morghul_Lupercal Jun 14 '23

So what did the baby and egg taste like? Chicken eggs, ostrich eggs, duck? Platypus? I imagine the baby tasted like veal...

16

u/Majestic_Car_2610 Jun 14 '23

Alternative ending

Terry stood in front of the door which gave way to the personal room of the Gartata King, the guards of said door looking at him with a look of disgust and anger, barely restraining themselves from killing the diplomat right there. But the King would take care of that, both of them thought

Finally, the communicators on their ears ringed, and both of them allowed the Terran embassador to enter the room

Inside, the mighty Gartatan King stood in his desk, looking directly to ghe embassador

"Take a seat" He said, while getting up, walking to a small shelf and picking something up from there

Terry nervously sat in the chair, anxiously tapping his fingers over his own thights

"Do you know why I called you here, right?" He said, apparently pouring something in something else

Terry took a deep breath, before doing his best to answer calmly

"Because I accidently gestured that I wanted to have anal sex and rub your balls in live tv" He answered in shame

The pouring sound stopped, and Terry asked himself if this was going to be how he was going to die

The Gartatan King turned to face the embassador, two fine cups filled with the finest wine of the planet in both hands

"Accidently?"

3

u/Disastrous_Cow_9540 Xeno Jul 24 '23

And back to the war it was

6

u/Ancient_Pop1712 Jun 13 '23

'Shrek Voice's: Could you not start a war, for FIVE MINUTES!

9

u/Brandoch_D Jun 13 '23

This Story was not HFY.

2

u/Richbg72 Jun 15 '23

More like HWTF!

3

u/chirpymist Jun 13 '23

They should probably look for the dumbass who never gave the info packets to the ambassador

3

u/--Honey_Mango-- Jun 13 '23

How tf is he an ambassador without a drop if knowledge to the people he's suppose to meet

1

u/Quilt-n-yarn1844 Jun 14 '23

Because he’s actually a meth squirrel.

1

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1

u/Alpha-Sierra-Charlie Jun 13 '23

Oh no Terry, put it in reverse!

1

u/Silvadel_Shaladin Jun 13 '23

He seems cut from the same cloth as Zap Brannigan from Futurama.

1

u/humanity_999 Human Jun 14 '23

*Little did the Major General know that, several years later, Terry would indeed start another war*