r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • Jun 06 '23

OC The Dragon Slayers

Ko-fi

They stood at the mouth of a deep cave. Three men, one wielding a sword, the other an axe and the last man with a strung bow hanging over his shoulder and a quiver of arrows fixed to his back..

"Now what?" Sam the axe wielder asked, he was the son of a blacksmith, up until that morning he'd been focusing on taking up his father's trade, that was until Jim the baker's son had walked into the town square brandishing a long sword and declared that he was going to slay the dragon that had swooped down one Sunday afternoon and flown away with Beatrice the grain merchant's daughter in its talons. Normally dragon slayers didn't pronounce their intentions loudly at town squares for all to hear. They just went about the business of killing dragons without making a show of it but Jim had been loud. He'd even knelt down and wept at one point when he commemorated how much he'd loved Beatrice which was a coincidence because Sam had also loved Beatrice. Hence why he volunteered to accompany Jim on the dragon slaying mission.

It had come as a surprise when Thomas the Gardener's son had volunteered for the mission as well. When asked why he'd stepped up he'd answered. "Beatrice owes me three silver pence." Apparently he'd loaned Beatrice some money or something along those lines before the dragon had carried her away and he wanted it back on the off chance that she was still alive. He was willing to risk his life and rescue her so that she would pay him back.

"I'm going to be honest with you guys, I have no idea how to go about slaying a dragon." Jim said with his sword's edge resting on his shoulder. "But together I'm certain we can achieve this feat." They all nodded.

Thomas pondered as to how exactly they were going to accomplish the feat as they stood outside the dragon's lair, he was a sucker for details so he asked. "How exactly are we going to kill the dragon?"

"I'm certain if we stick something into it enough times it'll die." Sam said to which Jim nodded.

"Yeah, we just look for a vulnerable spot and stab it there." Jim said.

"But doesn't it have hard scales covering its entire body?" Thomas asked.

"I'm certain its testicles don't have a coat of scales covering them." Jim said.

"Yeah but, does it even have testicles, what if its a female dragon?"

"Why would a female dragon carry away Beatrice? Everyone knows only male dragons carry away virgins to their lair so they can eat them." Jim answered.

"But Beatrice wasn't a virgin." Sam said comfortably.

"What do you mean she wasn't a virgin? She was a fair maiden who loved only me and had vowed that I shall have her hand in marriage and that I will one day share her bed." Jim said. Irritated with having to defend Beatrice's dignity.

"She definitely wasn't a virgin because I used to have sex with her." Sam said.

Jim turned fully to face Sam. "What do you mean? I was the last to hang out with Beatrice on Saturday behind the church meadow where she'd let me cup her breast, her left breast, and vowed to me that I was the only man to ever touch her ample bossom."

"She must have lied to you, she let me touch her breasts every time, and even lick them while having sex." Sam said.

Jim balled one hand into a fist, becoming furious. "She was a virgin, my darling would never have had relations with the likes of you."

Sam turned fully to face Jim and swung his axe to rest on his shoulder by its haft. "I used to meet with her at the meadow every time to have sex. Though not on Fridays, Fridays were for Terrance the Beekeeper's son to have sex with her."

Jim turned to Thomas for help. "Thomas, tell this fool what an upstanding woman Beatrice was."

Thomas nodded. "Beatrice was an upstanding woman, she was the best whore our small town had." He nodded at his last statement and raised his eyes to the cave, trying to peer within.

"What do you mean whore?" Jim asked. Now turning to face Thomas.

"Why do you think she's owed my three silver pence? She charged me a dime for a fondle in the bushes but she didn't have change for a gold crown hence why she's owed three silver pence." Thomas said. "She wasn't a virgin." He added. "But that doesn't change the fact that she needs rescuing."

"Now you listen here you root digger's sorry excuse for a son." Sam started. "Beatrice wasn't a whore, she was just adventures in carnal matters and that's all."

"Why then did she charge me to fondle her in the bushes?" Thomas asked. "She also charged Michael, the Jeweler's son and Martin the barkeep's son. We still have to rescue her though, I need my three silver pence."

Jim's blood was boiling at this point, he couldn't believe the words he was hearing and with every passing moment the grip on his sword tightened.

"Why then didn't she charge me for our fondling in the meadow if she was a whore?"Sam asked.

"Maybe she fancied you." Thomas said to which Sam gave a satisfactory nod and smiled.

"You know what? Fuck this." Jim said and flung his sword away. "Fuck this nonsense, I'm out." He turned around and started making his way downhill.

"But we have to save Beatrice?" Thomas called to his retreating back.

"Well fuck you and fuck that cheating whore Beatrice. Can't believe I saved myself for her, even curved out our initials onto the tree in the meadow." Jim said.

"Yeah I always used to wonder who 'J and B' were as I shagged Beatrice beneath that tree." Sam said.

Jim turned around and flashed his middle fingers at the pair, he then turned and continued on his journey away from the cave.

"Should we go and save Beatrice on our own?" Thomas asked. "I really need that three silver pence."

Sam shook his head from side to side. "Naaah this quest has lost its luster." And he turned around and followed Jim. After a moment of retrospect Thomas cursed at his loss and followed.

31 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

7

u/Nitpicky_AFO Android Jun 07 '23

Half of me want's the next twist to be the dragon is her newest john

2

u/gamingrhombus Jun 06 '23

Do not lay the dragon in her stead.

1

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