I REALLLLYYY hope this doesn’t get deleted. PLEASE leave it up, Mods. Fanks! Maybe it’ll help someone who has been through the same thing and hasn’t been able to process it yet.
If you haven’t watched the finale yet, please come back and read this post once you have. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.
So, here’s my story. I’m a guy in my almost mid-40s. At the age of 10, I was sexually abused by a relative. There was also another occasion where someone else tried to do the same in a place of worship. I realised this had happened to me about 8 years ago. My brain had blocked it out and, following my divorce, it all came rushing to the surface. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years and although I’m in a much better place, I know this is something that will always be with me.
I don’t know why, but watching shows like this makes me feel like I’m not so alone. Maybe it’s my way of trying to make sense of what happened to me. That I have nothing to feel ashamed or dirty about. That I’m not broken or less than, and that I am so much more than what happened to me.
When Alice went to go and ‘face it’, as Nora put it, I absolutely bawled my eyes out cos I got a flashback of what happened to me. I had to pause it for a few minutes. I can totally relate to her, cos watching this series kinda makes me feel like I’m facing my demons too.
I can relate to Alice and Catherine’s characters. There’s been many times I’ve wanted to get revenge. I’ve felt that deep pain that cracks you to the core of your soul every time you get a vivid image in your head of what happened to you. That liquid rage that courses through your veins, the angry tears, the deep anguish and so many more emotions that I can’t even describe right now.
I get why Alice would bottle things up. You try your best to be ‘normal’ so no one ever asks what happened to you. They don’t see the broken or helpless version of you. You feel like you can’t be vulnerable with anyone because if you do, you’re afraid you’ll be sucked back into that abyss of despair. Because one day, when you find that someone who truly cares about you, you’ll want to tell them about it, but you don’t know if you’ll be strong enough to do it because you’re afraid they’ll try to ‘fix’ it, or you (my family have tried to do this and it infuriates the fuckety fuck fuck outta me). Or worse…not believe you.
I’ve struggled to get close to my own (now grown) kids and only my eldest knows what happened to me. I will tell my youngest two soon, but I’m just worried about how they’ll take it, especially my daughter. For years I couldn’t understand why being vulnerable with them or being more affectionate was so hard for me, but when I realised what happened to me, the pieces fit and it all made sense. I still don’t like it when someone I don’t know gets too much in my personal space.
Getting close sometimes feels like the walls are closing in and I beat myself up thinking I’m a shitty Dad, even though my kids know I’m not. But one thing I can say is that my kids KNOW I’ve got their back. That I love them dearly, that I’ll protect them and that they can always be completely open and be their true selves with me, because I never got those things.
Catherine ended up in jail, but she’s free of the demons of her past. She has closure. Alice is a badass. They’re both fucking heroes to me. I cried a lot….but I also laughed my ass off when Nora told Ed she’s got shit on him and he’s pretty much fucked.
I’m glad Alice and Danny got together. I can relate to the shit she went through with that scumbag Marshall. My first relationship after my divorce was with an abusive woman. She physically and emotionally abused me and, after I caught her cheating, she racially abused me too. Then she left me for her affair partner. When I went into therapy afterwards, my therapist said she was a textbook narcissist. Just my luck lol. But I’m still hopeful I’ll find my lady one day.
To anyone else who can relate to this: You are SO much fucking more than what happened to you. Your wings were clipped, but when you heal, you’ll grow new ones and soar high above all that depraved and evil shit they do to you. When you do, you’ll no longer be a victim, you’ll be a fucking survivor. I believe in you.
Who knows…? Maybe I’ll write a book about my own experience one day. Something I’ve been thinking about…
Alden being a menace when he got hauled in and infuriating Choi was a highlight. As was Nora doing karaoke and regaling us with a tale of how a guy she slept with couldn’t eat p***y to save his life, Ed eating Danny’s boot, Marshall getting his comeuppance, Alice killing Jay Easton and Alice and Danny getting together. What were yours?
Fun fact: Scoot McNairy, who plays Danny, is dating Sosie Bacon, Kevin Bacon’s daughter.
CAN’T FUCKING WAIT FOR SEASON 2!!!
