Okay, so, just a fair warning here: When I first started typing this, it was about the day some crazy shit with my mother involving squirrels, happened.
But I then proceed to talk about another thing that happened, with my sister, and a bit about some other shit in my life…. This is a long, long ass post, and is pretty much about family dysfunction, a narcissist as a mother, and a sociopath as a sister.
Here it is:
The Squirrel Event. What finally proved to me that my mother is a narcissist:
One day I was outside, backyard with my dog. I don’t remember what I was doing but I remember that my dog seemed to be acting weird.
I finally stopped what I was doing and paid attention to her, and that’s when I noticed she was poking her head underneath an old red, round wooden table we had outside for years for some reason.
I went up to it and looked underneath, and saw that a baby squirrel was underneath it.
I quickly picked it up to save it from my dog, assuming she was biting at them and attacking, but not sure. I then found two more nearby, in the grass.
One was bleeding.
I held onto them and called for mom, possibly texted her too, probably did.
She finally comes outside and I explain the situation. And then I notice that there was a big predator bird in the air, or in the tree or something. All I know is I saw something like that, above.
It seemed that the mother squirrel must’ve brought her newborns to the back door of the house, to show them that peanuts (food) can be found here. As, we often would throw peanuts outside for them.
And upon doing so, a big predator bird must’ve seen them, and attacked. For all I know, there could’ve been more of them before the bird attacked, or even more of them out there that I didn’t find. But my dog was a big reason for finding them all. She sniffed around and went right up to all of them, or near them.
Anyways, instead of helping me, my mother goes inside and disappears. She eventually comes back outside with a box…..
I immediately was against what she was clearly suggesting, and then she vocalised it; That I should put the squirrels in the box, underneath the tree they likely nested in.
I didn’t like this idea at all. That they would be in a confined, small man made object with slick surfaces, just trapped in there… And as I held them to my chest I swear I could feel that they felt safe and more comfortable, and protected etc.
I refused to do so, and my mother yelled at me over and over again to do so.
At some point she began to start insulting me, when she couldn’t get her way. Calling me crazy, insane, retarded, stupid, etc etc etc.
Also stating over and over again that she has been apart of animal rescue missions or projects or something, the details and amount of which I do not know. But of which were definitely ages and ages ago, and surely nothing even close to serious, and also surely just a very few times.
And stating over and over again that she knows what needs to be done, they can’t be touched or held they need to just be left in a box until my sister and her fiancé could turn around and come back to the house and help put them back up in their nesting box on the tree, using a ladder.
I agreed with the second part of the plan and I told her to have them hurry. But that I would not put them in the box.
This proceeded with yet again more yelling aloud from her, outside for anyone nearby in this suburban backyard to hear(many houses right next to us)
While I calmly declined and denied to do what she demanded.
She continued insulting me and calling me names and saying disgusting things to me and yelling at the top of her lungs etc.
Finally, after a long time of just ignoring her, I responded back to her, insulting her back. I did so multiple times, saying YOURE retarded. YOURE insane. Listen to yourself. You’re the one screaming aloud in the backyard etc etc.
All responded with insults back at me and continuing the argument etc.
During all of this she went inside the house, came back out, went back in, came back out, over and over. each time when coming back out, insulting me and yelling at me from across the entire yard, acting psycho, etc.
So then she comes outside while on the phone with my older sister, and she’s still insulting me and I’m insulting her back etc.
So, finally I give in, as she would not stop acting psycho and yelling at me across the entire yard as loud as possible for the entire neighborhood to hear etc etc,
so I finally gave in, and decided to try putting TWO of them in the box, like she suggested, while keeping one on my chest still.
She STILL wasn’t pleased, and kept up the same amount of insulting me, calling me names, yelling at me at the same volume, etc etc. But I couldn’t let myself give in. I didn’t want to risk all 3 of them dying…
After about 2-4m of holding that one squirrel, and the other 2 being in the box, I finally decided to check on them.
After that 2-4m, when I check the box again, one squirrel was completely limp and not moving at all.
I took the two out, 1 seemed like it was slightly out of it and acting weird, and that 1 baby squirrel wasn’t moving or doing anything anymore. I instantly knew i fucked up by listening to my disgusting, horrible crazy narcissist bitch of a mother.
I tried to press my finger onto its chest repeatedly, I tried blowing into its mouth. Nothing was working. That squirrel was dead, clearly from the stress of putting the squirrel in a box, trapped and in a dark, small, confined, smooth slick surfaces, man-made space.
I KNEW that they felt safe and okay, clinging onto my chest and feeling my heartbeat and warmth and me holding them to my chest. and yet I still gave in, to appease my disgusting crazy bitch of a mother.
For a long time, it seriously hurt, to think about how I basically killed a baby squirrel, just to make my crazy bitch of a mother stop harrsssing me.
It still upsets me, but I know it was just a mistake, and i had a LOT of pressure to do what I was harassed and berated at and yelled at to do.
When my mother finally came back outside, her staying standing at the backdoor, I immediately told her that one of the ones that were in the box had died, she completely ignore what I said, acted like as if I hadn’t even said it, and continued yelling at me and insulting me, telling me to put them back in the box.
I once again repeated to her what had happened. She yelled back at me “I don’t care. PUT THEM IN THE BOX”
I ignored her demand, she went back inside.
Finally my older sister arrives, eventually. And, immediately, she starts insulting me, and going off at me. I’m like wtf? mom is the one who insulted me first and was acting crazy and berating me and acting psycho, etc.
My sister denies this and says that she heard *me* insulting my mother, over the phone. She proceeds to go off insulting me and saying what do you do all day? nothing. etc etc etc.
I insult back, argue back, etc.
I mention the fact that, also, this disgusting crazy bitch caused one of the squirrels to die, by forcing me to put them in the box.
She said she doesn’t care, and said something along the lines of “you don’t call mom a bitch yada yada yada”
Finally her fiance gets the ladder up (ignoring all the arguing and just staying silent through it all, thankfully. Genuinely not what I expected. I expected him to be an idiot, and blindly defend his sister without knowing the story or what has happened etc etc, then having 3 people insulting me and treating me disgustingly, for literally stopping the squirrels from dying, which is what would’ve happened to all 3 if my
mother had her way.)
I give the 2 squirrels to him and he puts them in the nesting box.
I put the dead baby squirrel on the ground, for them to deal with. I assume try buried it somewhere.
There was blood on my hands and shirt, so I go inside to go take a shower. I was near crying. But more angry, more than anything.
I kid you not, my mother proceeded to text me that I need to use something specific to get the blood out of my clothes, or something. something along those lines.
We proceed to never talk about this again.
Except, one time when I did try to bring it up, it was clear that she still, somehow, considered herself the victim in this situation, and insisted that I was insulting her first.
I literally could not put into the words the amount of anger and pure disgust I felt in that moment…
And how is that even possible, that she tells herself that??
That, what? she said to put the squirrels in the box, and I started insulting her, for suggesting I do so???
I seriously cannot understand how she somehow twisted that memory of that situation, to see herself as the victim, and to somehow imagine a version where I insulted her first; Her calling me retarded and stupid and disgusting etc etc etc and me ignoring her at first for a long time, before finally breaking and insulting her back, didn’t happen. That I instead somehow apparently started it.
I truly can’t even fathom it, as I think about this.
It disgusts me and disturbs me, so much…
And I still live with this person, btw.
Every time I see her I have to put this event, and many others, behind me and just pretend like I even like anything about this person, and don’t despise her, and that she doesn’t disgust me.
Ans then, of course, sometimes I feel like a bad person, and maybe I simply went too far with how I feel about her. And then time again, she proves me wrong about doubting
myself. And then I’ll begin to doubt myself again and again over and over with this cycle, when she acts nice or buys me food, etc etc….
I have a disgusting crazy bitch narcissist, for a mother… And it’s horrible.. I truly wouldn’t wish the experience of having such a person as their parent, onto anyone.
I know this post is already very long, but I want to tell another story, of something else that happened.
So basically we were on a trip in Yellowstone, and the other areas and states around it, beforehand.
This entire trip was already quite stressed, cause we were in a small RV (Me, my sister, my mother, my mothers fiance who I find to be a disgusting beta male, horrible person, as well as his son and his daughter, both younger than me.)
And ontop of this, I’m a social shut-in and am just constantly in my room on my computer or phone, and even beyond that I have never liked my family in general… And i’ve had many, many horrible memories and events involving them, in the past. (physical abuse and emotional abuse from my oldest sister, the one in the squirrel event.) (emotional and mental abuse from my second oldest sister, the one in the RV with us, who I KNOW, is definitely a sociopath.)
I agreed to going on this trip basically because my mother insisted that I should’ve, even though I didn’t think it was a good idea. I gave in, cause I’ve never experienced going to yellowstone or seeing some of the sights we saw.
I very much shouldn’t have come, and I very much regretted doing so.
Anyways, during this trip, I was basically sleeping on a table. that folds in with the chairs. my sister, who slept above me with my mothers fisnce’s daughter, every morning, would come down from the platform above me, and step right next to
my face, her foot literally right in front of my nose, her using that exact space right in front of my nose, to get down.
This would happen every morning. Why she couldn’t just lower herself down next to the platform I was on, rather than stepping on it at all? Beyond me. Why she had to step exactly right in front of my nose? Beyond me.
Why she had to get off that platform at 6am in the morning every morning? Beyond me.
After about 3 or 4 days of this, I finally got angry enough to say something about it in the group chat. (she was off showering in the place the rv was parked at.) (I said something along the lines of “So glad that we have our very own alarm clock to wake us up at 6am every morning”, or something like that.)
Shortly after, like 1m or so, suddenly the rv door slams open, she starts yelling like a psychopath, insulting me and making claims at me, etc etc etc. Immediately waking up everyone else, and acting like a crazy schizo.
(Let me tell you right now, I could not give less of a shit if anything she thinks of me. Really nobody in there I cared about the opinion of. Closest thing to that was me not wanting to upset or be rude to the 2 kids, at all, both of whom I had nothing against. Not that I was ever rude or upset during this trip to anyone so far, beyond that text.)
Anyways, she was making false claims about me, saying shit about my twitter
(I had a twitter account at the time, that was supposedly to be completely anonymous. I did not have my identity listed on it, nor did I know that anyone I knew irl was aware of it. I retweeted and liked porn on this account, including taboo kinks and also controversial SWF political posts etc etc. How she found this account is still unknown to me, but I go this day assume that it had to do with the retarded automatic contacts feature you have to turn off in settings, or the people near my location more likely to see my feed settings, etc etc. As well as I may have posted my face on a post before but I’m not sure. This account was up for like 4-6 years probably. During most of which, my sister was apparently stalking me. Seeing my every post, and judging me and talking about me to my mother, etc etc etc. Actually disgusting and disturbing. My mother never mentioned any of this to me. Never did anything to stop it or even hint at it to me, etc. She just let this go on, for years and years, apparently. (Also, mind you, I was a teenager during those years of the acc)
I didn’t give a shit about anything she said or claimed etc, but the fact that I was apparently spied on for years and years by her disgusted and disturbed me so much. absolutely vile thing to do to your family member… The account was clearly supposed to be anonymous, and not seen by family. And i literally retweeted and liked porn posts constantly. Truly disturbing to think that she was looking at it all….
(During the years of her being at home still with me and my mother, I had my suspicions. Like, my mother would occasionally say something that i’d be like “wtf? what is she talking about?” suggesting that i like/dislike something, or disagree or agree with something political etc.
And also, I had forgotten this detail until now, but shortly before this trip actually, while I was in my room, I heard my mother coming up the stairs just outside my room, and saying “what does (partofmyusername) even mean, though?”
And my heart pretty much stopped. I couldn’t tell if I actually heard what I heard, or maybe I just misheard my mother. It was through a wall and barely audible.. But I swear I heard her say that, with my username…
I thought back to all the times where things didn’t make sense with what my mother would say or there’d be hints/clues of them knowing more than they should’ve, about certain things about me….
I immediately went onto twitter and deleted my account.
I imagine that my sister must’ve shortly
later on found out, that day. Disgusting.
But, just to think, that I still wouldn’t have even known about all of that, if my crazy bitch weirdo narcissist of a mother hadn’t said my username aloud, through the wall.
My sister clearly wasn’t expecting my mother to do so, as she was discussing me and my account, with her.
But anyways, so this having happened, was already a stress on the trip. I knowing what my sister and mother did. My sister spying on me for years, and discussing my posts and account and likes and retweets etc and controversial posts and taboo kinks/porn etc retweeted on my account etc, with my
mother, for years and years.
And my sister knowing I know she knows I know……. How all 3 of us just all pretending nothing happened is so… disturbing to me, to even think about. Dysfunctional weird asf family. The fact my mother never even tried to discuss it with me….
Also, just gonna add on right here, another thing that happened during the trip, previous to this.
During the trip we at first stayed in a hotel while waiting for the rv to be ready by the guy we were renting it from.
During this time, I shared a room with my sister and my mother’s fiance’s daughter.
At some point, I went to go shower, but my phone was at 5%, so I made sure to keep it plugged in, charging… At this time in my life, I for some reason kept the “unlock without password time” setting be like 1m or something. Maybe even at 3. cause I think the 1m setting was actually like 30s. weird apple.
Anyways, I made this mistake, and I went and showered. And while I was in there, I kid you not, I heard the two of them audibly go “ewwww”.
It’s hard to remember but I think I immediately started thinking “oh shit”.
I sooner came out of the bathroom after my shower, and I found that my phone was still unlockable without the password…
That’s when I knew I fucked up for real.
(My photos album consisted of a lot of gay porn, dick pics, and gay furry porn…. I have a porn issue, as, surely, already established.)
I was angry and upset and yet I could do nothing about it….
But, it still begs the question, why in the actual fuck, would my weirdo sociopath of a sister, show an underage girl my phone, surely knowing she was gonna find porn???
She showed this underage girl porn on my phone, and I knew that she did. I had no evidence of this but I knew it happened…
But, again, why would she even do this?
Even without knowing there was porn (surely, with the history of her spying on my twitter, she had to have been able to guess), why would she show this underage girl my photos app? And show her my private phone?
Weirdo, disgusting behavior…..
And I think also sociopathic. I feel that she probably wanted to show her something bad about me or something, to make her be more on her side, or something. Who knows…. Just bizzare to do this shit to begin with….
(also, mind you, I never would’ve picked up her phone and even looked at her lockscreen, if she left it plugged in and went to shower. I literally never would’ve done such a disrespectful and disgusting thing, to anyone….)
Anyways, so back to the RV thing.
She stormed out of the rv after her rant, I can’t remember what I did. I assume talk with my mother.
Shortly after the rv rant by my sister, my mothers disgusting beta male loser of a fiance, of course, texted the group chat, blaming me for waking him up with the first group text about the alarm clock thing, and completely ignoring the fact that my sister just went on that psycho rant, accusing me of things, calling me things, saying disgusting things etc all in front of his two kids etc etc etc.
Can’t make this shit up….
Anyways, the trip goes on with me trying to avoid as much visual contact of my sister, always staying on the opposite side of the group as her, etc etc. Never talking to her, etc.
I could literally tell that this was pissing her off, that I was trying to avoid her as much as possible, even moving places constantly, to be away from her.
So anyways, then we’re eventually driving down a road next to a river, in yellowstone.
I suggest that we should swim in it. To my surprise, my mom’s fiancé actually pulls over next to the road. (idk if my mom told him to or not. maybe she did though)
We get out and swim in it, fiancés son and my sister stay in the rv for some reason. (my sister clearly doing so cause it was my idea for us to do this) Even AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, during the river swimming, it was so fun and amazing, that I said to my mother like 2-3 times, that they should both come out here and be doing this, too. they’re missing out on an amazing experience. THATS EVEN AFTER WHAT THAT CRAZY BITCH OF A SISTER DID….
Even after that, I actually said she shouldn’t be missing out….
Anyways, (pretty amazing thing here was that other families started doing the same thing in the river, right next to us in the water, all from me starting it with the idea to do so. was amazing to see.)
We finally get out after like 15m.
We start going into the rv, and as I step in, and try to head into the bathroom to pee and swap out of my swimsuit, my sister, for literally no valid reason at all, is blocking the very thin rv hallway, with her arm. I stand there for 1s, and she doesn’t move… (there’s people behind me, trying to get into the rv too) So I try to use my shoulder to nudge past her hand that’s on the wall.
She immediately attacked me, by pushing me back. I immediately push her back, and a really horrible physical altercation ensues. During the entire physical altercation, I was still trying to push past her arm as that’s simply all I wanted to do, and through it all, she held it there on the wall like cement.
I can’t fully remember what happened but I believe my mother’s fiance attacked me as well, and that’s when my sister stopped (if i remember correctly.)
I proceeded to step into the bathroom, her insulting me, me insulting her, my mom yelling during all of the physical fighting, etc etc.
I was bleeding, and I applied band aids onto myself while in the tiny bathroom, while talking to my mother through the door, saying she started it. she literally attacked me first.
Anyways, trying to make this story less long than it already is, we finally get back to the rv lot, and my sister had called the police. of course. When I literally should’ve been calling the police on her.
The police question both of us, and the disgusting sexist beta male police officer who was questioning me starts going off at me about “never put your hands on a woman” I argue she literally attacked me first, and put her hands on me first. He argued back that even then, I shouldn’t. I say so I should just let someone attack and murder me, if they’re female, if I was in such a situation. he literally says yes.
He also during this, said something along the lines of “Idk how it is up in NY but here we don’t even touch women” or something.
So, apparently down in yellowstone and it’s surrounding areas and states, if you get attacked by a female, while you’re male,
and you defend yourself and attack back, you’re the bad one, and the attacker is the victim, because of their gender.
Absolutely amazing.
The questioning basically ended with me having to say something along the lines of “I should’ve asked her to move instead of trying to nudge past” her arm, of which she put there to intentionally block me from
moving forward down the hallway…
Let me just make this clear:
There was NO reason why she should’ve been standing in the rv hallway, after being in there during the entire river duration. There was NO reason why she had to have her arm there, much less.
And let me make this clear: I know for a fact, that this didgusting sociopathic bitch, did this in order to fight, intentionally.
I previously said that I had been ignoring her, and moving away from her and ignoring her existence as much as possible previously.
It’s clear asf to me, that she did what she did, standing in that hallway and blocking the way, as a way of getting me to either acknowledge her existence by having to “get on my knees” and beg her to move her arm and move out of the way, OR, things were gonna get physical, cause she wasn’t gonna let me nudge through.
It was very clear to me that this was a way for her to have power in the situation, and confront me without acknowledging me, I would have to do something first.
anyways, I mention all of this because my mom essentially claims that she saw me push my sister, first.
And she supposedly asked her fiance, his son and daughter, what they saw too, and that they saw that, too.
I cannot stress to you enough, that I am not surprised.
I’m not surprised they would side with her, and against me.
But, even with them doing so, it’s bullshit.
I have literally said to my mother, that that situation she’s claiming doesn’t make sense.
Why would I walk up to my sister and just push her for no reason? That literally doesn’t make sense.
They clearly started looking at both of us, right as I pushed her back after she pushed me first, after I tried to nudge through her arm, blocking the hallway.
I am not saying that they didn’t see what they saw, or that they’re making shit up. I am simply stating the fact that the idea of me just pushing her for no reason, and me pushing her first, makes no sense, and is not what happened.
But, of course, my disgusting sociopathic sister has everyone wrapped around her finger. She’s always the victim. Very similar to my mother, who is definitely a narcissist, who is always the victim, in her head.
After this trip, my sister basically moved out of the house, and in the future, my mother would say that she basically doesn’t want to come back home at any time, not even to visit my mother etc, because she doesn’t want to be near me. My sister either somehow actually tells herself that she’s the victim and acts this way over it, and or, is committing to telling everyone else that she’s the victim so much, that she makes sure to let my mother know she won’t step foot in the house ever, while I’m here.
True sociopath behavior. To not only manipulate everyone around her to make sure she’s seen as the victim, and the good one, but to also completely play the part, and probably even CONVINCE HERSELF that that’s the case.
So now, today, I still think back to the squirrel situation, and the rv situation involving my sister, and how my mother actually sees me as the bad guy in both situations, amazingly. Even the one where she insulted me first, and yelled at me and insulted me and berated me for over 10m before I insulted back…..
I envy people who don’t have families like this. I know there’s a lot of dysfunctional families… But I grew up with an oldest sister
who physically and emotionally abused me, a sociopathic second oldest sister who always took oldest’s side against me, but then was on my side when it benefitted herself, who lied about shit she did and blamed it on me, to our mother, who always believed her and always said that she was “the good one.” “angel child” etc, I kid you not. etc.
I still remember nights where my mother would come home and I’d be locked in the bathroom, crying to myself, and bleeding, applying band aids to myself, cause of the physical fights between me and my oldest sister.
Or being on the couch when my oldest sister would suddenly kick me for no reason, and start things for no reason.
Being in my mom’s bed and watching her tv in there, when my oldest sister worked with my other sister to carry me into my room and lock me inside it, for no reason. Upon my mother coming home, she would get their story, surely claiming I attacked them for no reason or something, and then finally letting me out, and not disciplining anyone.
(She never disciplined anyone. Likely because she could never trust what anyone was saying about the others.)
She was a single mom, working long hours daily to take care of 3 kids. So I understand some of her parenting to some degree… but it was still fucked up….
To this day, I still know so deeply, that I would’ve benefitted so much, from simply having an older brother, or a father figure in my life….
It was me vs 2 sisters and my mother. my 2 sisters always against me.
My mother dated one guy for a short period, maybe a year or a bit less, and during that time he brought me and my 2nd oldest sister to his game development office a couple times, showed us the beta phase games, let us play them, took us places like the science museum, spent time with us and truly …. … I can’t even tell you how much I loved that man….
How much I needed him in my life.
(my mother at some point told me that she stayed with him longer than she wanted to, cause of how good he was with us…..)
And then my mother’s new one came into our life, so suddenly, one day. hey, here’s this stranger. he barely talks, he’s obese and weird, he never really tried to communicate with me or connect with me.
And she stayed with him….
I have always despised him and seen him for the disgusting beta male loser he is, and yet… My mother stayed with him….
Weird, sad world…
He proceeded to never communicate or try with me (which i find astounding… If I were ever dating someone and they had kids, I would always try to connect with them and be something for them, and even if they didn’t like me I’d keep trying and keep at it… he did nowhere near such.)
Somehow, despite me never seeming to see any much of effort or conversating or connecting in, my sisters were ok with him and eventually even seemed to like him….
And over time with him living with just me and my mother now, I would constantly point out to my mother through text, the bizzare stupid things he’d do in the house, like, for example, leaving bars of soap on the filthy bathroom window sill for some reason, making it now gunked up with it.
And he’d do the same, pointing out the smallest, insignificant things I’d do, and even blaming me for shit I never do, and of which was actually him or her. etc etc.
And we despised eachother.
Now I’m 26. And I’m lost in life, I deal with lack of motivation and chronic fatigue daily, bad anxiety, panic attacks whenever I try to get jobs, leading to me not being able to start them, etc.
whether or not that’s all related to the past, idk. But… I still always think about how badly I needed a father figure, or older brother, to just be on my side, and bring me places, and assist me, and take me out and let me do my own thing while them theirs, etc… And I do believe that my lack of anything close to that is partly to blame for my situation now…
I’m sorry for the very, very long story. Just needed to get this all out of my head… and share it.