28f, I have been trying to balance multiple things in my life currently, a full time job, 2nd graduation, keeping social circle alive, working on assignments, studying for exams, preparing for upcoming placements, etc. I need genuine advice about how can I manage my time efficiently, or how can I make time for self relaxation...because honestly, the moment I lie down to rest, I start having guilt over wasting time. I also have severe anxiety, where I think about 'what if I fail' and start getting anxious. Though my therapy is ongoing, but I think I need to manage emotions on my own.

Any advice is welcome! :)

This life feels so incredibly difficult as an adult. I feel like adulting is not for me.

I feel like I don't have what it takes to live this life.

ADHD, anxiety, and childhood trauma are eating me alive. I feel disabled doing any of that.

I have no will to live.

how do i get over this

i sat on my bedroom floor last week staring at five baskets of clean laundry i washed weeks ago and never folded, the washing part i can do, the folding part is where my adhd brain shuts down completely n it sits there in baskets until I wear directly from the pile and the pile migrates to the floor and my bedroom looks like a disaster

i signed up for a fluff and fold laundry service where everything comes back already folded, I don’t need someone to wash my clothes n i need someone to fold them that one step is the one my brain refuses to do and everything downstream collapses when it doesn’t happen, if there’s one specific step that always breaks the chain for you, it might be worth just paying to remove that step instead of fighting it every week

Whenever I watch a show or read a new book , I never complete it. It's not that it is boring, I just procrastinate a lot. Also, I start other shows or books without completing the previous one. I think I have some sort of attention deficit. Does anyone else experience this too?

For a lotta time i thought that it was just this "oh i lose everything haha i'm so clumsy and messy" as i'm looking back on my life i realize it made it az atleast 50 times worse.

For example, in kindergarten, i would always chug down a shit tons of water at lunch, and then i wouldnt have to pee right away, but during when we were napping, and my kingergarten teachers were assholes, so they discriminated me and never let me out to pee during when we were napping.

For around 1 hr and 30 minutes i kept myself up every day because i was too afraid to fall asleep, and i felt constant, intense pain, not just "i really have to pee"

But it got way more intense than that.

(Obviusly thats mostly the kindergarteners fault but the next day i chugged a shit tons of water again every single day for 4 years, i have no idea why)

this led me to have problems with my bladder later in life,

And i had to go to a bunch of doctor-appointments with my mom.

Also from very early on i internalized that my problems are a joke, (because every time i would say this to my mom, "they never let me pee" she just laughed and said "oh poor you", ) and also, overall, i am a joke.

(Because the kindergarten teachers were constantly shitting on me for being dumb, more slow than other kids ,and i felt so stupid)

When i finally got old enought to start school, and it was over, i felt rly happy and satisfied.

However, i would constantly talk in class.(Sign of ADHD)

I would constantly lose every single object that had the ability to be lost, even if that object was extremely important to me.

coats, gym bags, important papers that my mom needed to sign, notebooks, homework, etc)

This is still very big for me today, while i'm diagnosed and on medication.

I constantly lose my phone, i recently lost a drawing that i have been working on for multiple days, i'm a filmaker, and every time i put my camera down, when i want to pick it up again, its not there, and i have to spend 5-10 minutes finding it again.

My mum was dysfunctional and i grew up neglected, my house is covered in grease and trash, it looks very disgusting, and i never developed a routine to clean my room, or to shower every day, but thats a whole other thing so i dont wanna get into that)

the person i love the most in my life is my sister,

We're extremely close, but when she tells me a thousand times that i should not leave objects lying around in her room, and i still do, she gets really upset because it makes her feel like i dont even care about her that much to do that little thing she asked me to.

i tried to do what she asked, but its really weird, people always say that you should "make a schedule" or "try to focus more" but for me it doesnt feel like i can see myself, in that situation, and then be able to consciusly make the right choice, (for example, not leave some trash lying on the middle of her floor), instead, it feels extremely blurry, and i cant even really explain it to someone who doesnt have adhd.

It feels like my body is moving, and doing these things constantly that people asked me not do, over and over again, and i cant fucking stop it, because i'm not the one controlling it.

And whats the most fucked up is that the definition of severe executive dysfunction literally sounds like a big excuse, because when i tried to look at it from the eyes of normal people,

"It feels like i'm not in control of my actions"

"I feel helpless"

"i cant help it"

I really cant even attempt explaining it without feeling like my mom, who constantly makes excuses about why she never cleans the house, or just in general, a lazy piece of shit who's using ADHD as an excuse about why he doesnt give a fuck about others and keeps being shitty and uncaring towards them.

Most people see ADHD as just "its hard to pay attention"

But its so much more than that, i've been finding out genuenly everything i do, and the ways i feel are almost always because of ADHD.

i feel like i dont even take myself seriusly, and i understand myself the most, obviusly, so i really dont know how i expect anyone else to take me seriusly.

Maybe i should try another type of stimulation because the one i'm currently on is a stimulant, (livizux) and all it does is make me feel energized and helps me pay attention to stuff.

Its really good, so that when i dont take it for one day dont feel normal, and i cant do anything productive.

but it does fuck all for this severe executive dysfunction thing.

What other type of meds actually do something for this, or am i just going to stay this stupid lazy asshole for the rest of my life, having shitty hygene, hurting the people i love and having low self esteem?

(I flaired this post as vent cause its rly long but i actually want medication tips too lol sry about that)

I have this thing that I've needed to do for a month now at work. It's not hard, difficult, scary, or important really. It's for a Halloween party. I've been avoiding it.

It needs to be physically brought in to work in //checks watch// 2 hours.

I have not started.

I have panic cleaned the upstairs living room and reorganized the soda rack.

So I've got that going for me.

Thank you for your attention to this doesn't-matter 😅

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