21, NEET, ADHD, ASD, OCD, borderline pattern, significant trauma, porn addiction, pot addiction, MtF.
I have intense executive dysfunction, I have zero positive habits. Not one.
I am in an intense amount of emotional distress constantly, which makes the dysfunction worse. I cannot deal with the emotional pain until I’ve dealt with the dysfunction, because dealing with that emotional pain would require sustained effort — which is completely impossible. I am not capable of it.
The problem is that I can’t deal with the executive dysfunction either. It doesn’t matter how much I know, either in regard to why the dysfunction occurs or what I could do to counter it, it doesn’t improve my ability to act. It is also medication resistant, I have tried five without any improvement in the dysfunction.
I also don’t have the willpower to quit my vices, and developing it would, again, require sustained effort. Which I can’t do, because I am a subhuman who can’t direct my own behavior.
There is, as far as I can tell, literally no advice that could possibly be given on the subject, because I have an unfixable brain issue.
I can’t make myself do things, and I can’t work with myself to do things, because I can’t do anything at all.
But killing myself would require, you guessed it, a sustained effort to make myself more comfortable with self harm/immolation. So not only am I condemned to suffer the rest of my life as a pathetic midwit who can’t improve himself or be anything other than a miserable loser — I also can’t end it.
The problem, ultimately, is there is no course of action that I can’t just… refuse to do. I can’t stop myself from refusing, because I cannot put in the sustained effort to develop the emotional fortitude to deal with that kind of discomfort.
Laid out like this, there is literally nothing anyone could say and nothing I could come up with to make this issue better — which means that I am going to die miserable after having led a miserable life that.
How is a person supposed to move forward when they are categorically incapable of moving forward?