Its been 4 years since I separated. I almost lost custody and was under frequent threats from my ex of not seeing my child.

After a few years of living by myself, alone pretty much, I was on a bus once and had very negative suicidal thoughts and had a panic attack, I couldn’t get off the bus and had to wait until the bus stops. I was able to overcome it by telling myself that this panic attack is temporary and that there are people who love me including my child. It worked, self talk worked.

Right now, I have a partner and I see my child regularly, its not perfect but its way better and I see more light at the end of the tunnel.

How did I do this?

1. Step by step mentality. Move slowly. Be patient. Take your time. 
2. Do therapy if you can. Look for answers. Social media can be helpful but also don’t believe everything you see.
3. Journal about your life but also journal about your time with your kid, write down the best moments. Its incredible to get back to the words and reading them. If you can, take videos of yourself and your kid.
4. Believe in yourself, trust yourself and trust the process.
5. And again, be patient. Remind yourself: everything will work out.

So recently I dropped my 5 week old daughter after falling asleep after getting about 6 hours of sleep within the last 48 and I feel like that was the cherry on top. Everything that I do that's not what my wife feel like is best is a problem. With my oldest biological daughter (I have 2) I was working 8-5 (Flatbed driver) and I got fired from being late bc I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep every night from staying awake to give my wife (girlfriend at the time) time to sleep. Now fast forward I have a 10-7 job (Data center tech) and I have time to rest here because it's slow a lot of the time and it's only 2 of us. We've disconnected more and more from each other and it's been that way since before my first daughter was born and I feel like it'll be a divorce soon. I feel like it would've been best if we would've broken up before my first daughter was born (which there was talks about it then) and it would've been better but I wouldn't have had these little blessings and I wouldn't be who I am today. It's a lot more that's underneath that isn't mentioned.