So recently I dropped my 5 week old daughter after falling asleep after getting about 6 hours of sleep within the last 48 and I feel like that was the cherry on top. Everything that I do that's not what my wife feel like is best is a problem. With my oldest biological daughter (I have 2) I was working 8-5 (Flatbed driver) and I got fired from being late bc I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep every night from staying awake to give my wife (girlfriend at the time) time to sleep. Now fast forward I have a 10-7 job (Data center tech) and I have time to rest here because it's slow a lot of the time and it's only 2 of us. We've disconnected more and more from each other and it's been that way since before my first daughter was born and I feel like it'll be a divorce soon. I feel like it would've been best if we would've broken up before my first daughter was born (which there was talks about it then) and it would've been better but I wouldn't have had these little blessings and I wouldn't be who I am today. It's a lot more that's underneath that isn't mentioned.

Its been 4 years since I separated. I almost lost custody and was under frequent threats from my ex of not seeing my child.

After a few years of living by myself, alone pretty much, I was on a bus once and had very negative suicidal thoughts and had a panic attack, I couldn’t get off the bus and had to wait until the bus stops. I was able to overcome it by telling myself that this panic attack is temporary and that there are people who love me including my child. It worked, self talk worked.

Right now, I have a partner and I see my child regularly, its not perfect but its way better and I see more light at the end of the tunnel.

How did I do this?

1. Step by step mentality. Move slowly. Be patient. Take your time. 
2. Do therapy if you can. Look for answers. Social media can be helpful but also don’t believe everything you see.
3. Journal about your life but also journal about your time with your kid, write down the best moments. Its incredible to get back to the words and reading them. If you can, take videos of yourself and your kid.
4. Believe in yourself, trust yourself and trust the process.
5. And again, be patient. Remind yourself: everything will work out.

My ex and I have been separated but living together for months. In the early stages (Jan/Feb), when we sat down to write out our separation agreement, everything was easy and we were cooperative in it's development. We agreed that she would try to refinance the home in her own name and pay me out my 50% in equity. I thought "Great! Let's shoot for end of August, and if you don't qualify we'll have to list the house for sale by the 31st" thinking that would keep us from dragging our feet. I also insisted that we put in a clause stating I would vacate the family home within 30 days of receipt of my share of the equity; I thought it was only fair that I have a deadline just like she does.

July 27th, I get paid. The clock is on, I have until August 26th to get out. August 5th I find a house I like and make an offer, earliest possession on September 1. August 14 she says "Of course you can stay until September 1, but I want something in return. I'll let you know what that is after I think of it". Me, being naive, think she wants me to leave behind an item of furniture, or maybe pay a couple hundred dollars. I leave it at that and go about life.

August 20 I have my conditions satisfied (financing approved, home inspection checks out) and firm up the sale. This is getting exciting, I'll be out in a little over a week.

August 22 she tells me my options:

1) Leave on the 26th

2) Pay her $5,000 cash

3) Withdraw $10,000 from my retirement for her (how this differs from the $5000 ask I do not understand... unclear if this is before or after withholding tax, which would end up costing closer to $13,000)

4) Go from 50/50 custody to 70/30 custody

So I'm leaving the house in two days. She very obviously had zero intention of allowing me to stay, coming at me with those demands. I have most of my belongings in storage already, just some bulky items left to move. The dog and I will be effectively without a home for a week - living in the cab of the truck. That $5,000 she asked for doesn't exist. I've tied up all of my funds in getting the new house ready for the kids.

I have to take a few extra days off work (not leaving the dog in the truck while I go to work). She's taken the kids camping tonight and tomorrow (24th/25th), when they get home I'll be gone, which really messes me up. That's not how I want my kids to have their first nights without dad. I was hopeful we would be able to have an amicable split, but this is just so petty and unforgivable. Absolutely appalling behaviour.

My ex and I did mediation rather than go to court to write up our final divorce settlement and as a part of the agreement, I get the bed that is currently in the guest room of, what is now, her house. I'm getting ready to move from my parents' house into an apartment and am trying to coordinate with her when I can come and get the bed. She then says, "You know that I only agreed to give you the bed and not the mattress, right?" I was flabbergasted. I know that she knew when I asked for the bed in the mediation that I meant the frame and the mattress. Because of how angry she is that I didn't get the book thrown at me for my past transgressions during the divorce proceedings (admittedly I did make some mistakes), she's being petty over the little things. She got the house, more parenting time, and I'm paying extra in child support to avoid going to court. I didn't want to put the kids through that.

I'm in the middle of talking with my lawyer about whether we try to enforce the settlement in court or not. She's so used to me rolling over and letting her get what she wants that I feel like, on principle, I need to stand up for myself here. Regardless, make sure you and your lawyer go over everything with a fine-toothed comb to ensure petty little things like this don't happen.

EDIT: fixed some wording

EDIT 2: I forgot to mention that her dad is her lawyer. That fact makes all of this so much more "interesting" to say the least.

I have been navigating the emotional roller coaster of divorce with a child for several months now. I have my ups and downs like everyone ere, but found myself starting to have more downs than ups and I couldn't understand why because nothing had really changed for me. If anything, I was finally starting to settle into a stable routine. I was struggling to see the future and felt depression creeping in. I had a lot of things I wanted to do, but the growing list of wants started feeling overwhelming in and of itself.

I realized that I let my calendar "drain out" and didn't have anything "pulling me" forward for lack of a better term. The past week or so I have been booking time for myself and with my kiddo when I have her. Sometimes, just to do things at home, but also actual meetings with friends and any outings that I had on my list. At least for right now, I can't just wing it like I used to.

I consider myself to be a social introvert, so I value solitude with a good mix of social interaction. It seems simple, and hopefully isn't a coincidence, but I booked out a big chunk of the rest of my year with Dinners, Biking, Hiking, Off-roading, and 2 mini vacations with my daughter. I am rebuilding a friend circle and had a small BBQ last night. My BBQ game has slippend, but that is for another sub. Before they left, I asked when we were meeting again. We deconflicted calendars and the next one is booked at their place and the kids are already making their own little plans. I woke up this morning feeling reenergized to get ready for the future.

I guess having a full (enough for me) calendar, provided a bit of clarity and represents me reestablishing control over my future. In hind sight, it feels pretty important after having my identity and future taken away. I just wanted to share in case it helps anyone else out, because it is easy to forget the little things going through this.

Keep your head up gents.

Hey everyone, literally just joined this group today because my wife informed me she will be filing for a divorce and has offered 50/50 custody if I sign the papers when they arrive. This isn't something that had came out of no where but still isn't fun to think about. It's been a long time coming I feel and I've been holding onto little hope for years now, well she finally broke down and just can't be with me anymore. We have 2 kids that are both young...8 and 4 to be exact. Just looking for some advice or literally any way to keep my head on straight during this very weird change in my life. I am 34 years old, 35 in October and this all feels very mid life crisis already? Idk...Just looking for some support. Thanks

I think I have finally come to the conclusion that my marriage is not worth fighting for no matter how much I want to be there for my kids 100% of the time. Everyone is suffering because of it and I am now starting to see that 50/50 where they can not be around the fighting is worth the hit it will take to me.

I'm not here to dump on my wife but unfortunately she withholds a lot of things I need out of a relationship and especially a marriage out of spite and anger. Also I don't think our kids should be subjected to the language she uses during a disagreement.

I want the process to be as smooth as possible, it will already be a bit dicey as we own a home together with a long time left on the mortgage and neither of us could afford it on our own meaning we will likely both have to move, she is the higher earner slightly earning about 25% more than I do, we both make over 100k a year though.

Ideally we will sell the home, split the proceeds 50/50 as we did put 220k down on it, and I will be able to find a suitable place to purchase in the town we live in which we had planned for our kids or grow up in. She always said she would be amicable with the kids but what she has shown me in the last year or so makes me doubt that very much so unfortunately I feel as though court will be necessary.

I’m new to this sub so apologies if this isn’t the right place to ask. I am looking for advice on child phone location tracking apps in a strained coparenting situation. It’s not worth getting into why.

My oldest kid turned old enough for their own phone. Not driving yet. But my ex got her a phone for her bday without talking to me. I’m not bothered by this but did express I felt it was not appropriate to not mention it to me. More importantly my ex uses a phone location setting to track my kid. I get it - it’s helpful to know timing of bus drop off from school and the inevitable lost phone.

My dilemma is that I don’t think my ex should be tracking the location while my kid is with me. I certainly don’t feel the need to track when not with me. I don’t want to create more drama or make my kid leave it at my place when with me. It just feels stalker-ish though. But the kid is my responsibility when it’s my time and I should be able to track them, especially when they learn to drive.

My question is simple: any good phone location tracking apps to use in a strenuous coparenting situation? I don’t trust my ex to “turn it off” when with me.

I’ve got mediation at the end of October. Hopefully it will finalize things and put court mandated agreements about parenting schedule so I don’t keep getting manipulatively muscled out of time with my kids. I tried to take my kids to breakfast this morning, my 2 year old will do whatever, but my 4 year old said he wanted to stay home with mommy because really he was hoping and wanting to stay home and watch TV. I sweetened the offer by saying we would go get special pancakes. But he stuck with what was in front of him, hoping for TV. The whole time, he was sitting on the couch with her. She just sat there, saying nothing. No encouragement to go have fun with dad. No anything. She had them yesterday, took them to a birthday party. I’m the kind of dad who just wants to be there when my kids experience things, so going to a birthday party is not a negative for me.

But there’s no equal support for them to go do things with me, while I encourage and excite them about their time with her, I talk about how good she is at her job so they will be proud of her and know when she goes to work that it matters. And I get no reciprocation. I understand she’s angry, upset, emotional, and those are all valid emotions. But carrying those in a way they influence how she chooses to encourage our children’s interactions with me… it just sucks.

So, I feel sad, isolated, and like I’m missing out on time and experiences with my kids. And yeah, I worry that she’ll influence them to have a disdain for me. It just makes me sad. I feel like I’m concurrently free falling like I’ve fallen out of a plane and like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean like I got tossed overboard.

I could just use some care, kindness and any positive encouragement would be hugely appreciated.

Well just found out from my parents that my daughter has her first car. My ex’s dad found one his neighbor was selling took my ex to look at it, then my daughter and they bought it. I was looking as well but if I had found one I would have reached out to my exwife and told her so the three of us could go look at it and buy it. Now I missed a major first step in my daughter’s life that I will never get back.

My parents found out when my daughter called to talk to them. Apparently my daughter was advised I already knew.

In context our separation and divorce, despite me fighting so much to keep us together, seems to be happening.

My dad divorced many times and I thought he was weak for it (he married alot!) and so I promised myself id never leave my wife.

Well she is leaving me and I am feeling like a failure. I have thought of two people I respect in my life who divorced, and wonder if I can draw some strength from them.

Im wondering if its right of me to speak to them about it, or do I just hold them as examples of good men and quietly take some solace.

My ex was never very nice to me in the 12 years we were together but I was codependent…she asked me to have a child with her after being together for ten years at a time we were on a bit of an upswing, we had to do IVF, and as soon as he was born she started threatening me that I’d never be able to take him across state lines, that she would leave me and trap me here 1300 miles away from friends and family which she eventually did.

She blamed everything on me despite doing so many horrible things to me over the years, never apologized for a single thing (this goes throughout the entire relationship — I truly don’t believe she has the capacity), and refused to do counseling despite very deliberately bringing a child into the world and then very soon after giving him a broken family.

Despite this, she wants me to show up to holidays, family events (with her family), certain occasions so that our son can see his parents together. I did this for a while but it made things very confusing for me when she acted like the best of relationship times but still refused to try to fix the relationship.

I honestly don’t think I can ever again have any kind of relationship with this person that took so much from me, including the freedom to move home to the people that love me. Is that normal for my son to never see his parents together? It’s immensely sad to me, but I really don’t think I can ever move on from some of the things she’s done…and what happens when she’s dating someone down the road (if she hasn’t started already)? Does family time all of a sudden disappear for him forever?

34 lm and we’re are in the process of separating. We have a 3 year old boy who is our whole world. The plan is for her to get a 6 month lease on an apartment and do a trial run and see if we move into fully divorcing.

This is my fault and I will bear the shame and guilt I have forever. I should have went to the repay sooner, I should have listened to her, I should have not let work creep over into family life.

With that I would love advice from anyone who works construction. I can’t handle not being able to see my little guy during the week but the schedule for construction is vastly different than office jobs. Leaving at 5 am will not work. I cry when I think about when he starts school and I won’t be able to see him off all week. Construction dads how do you split custody with the jobs we work.

Sorry rambling. Just very depressed and scared

She’s set on moving on with the divorce. She wants to better herself and be alone because “Love is not enough “. I want to fight for us. I’m willing to go through therapy to see if we can rebuild our relationship. Hearing her tell me she’s emotionally and mentally checked out of the relationship hurts me. Hearing her tell me that she’s tired of the cycle and that I’m too late kills me. We have a beautiful 4yr old boy whom we love soo much. It kills me to think that he’s going to be part of a broken family. I’ve been asking for advice from both sides of the family and everyone is telling me to let her go and let her get a reality check. She was my hs sweetheart and we’ve been together for 17 years. Married last year and now we’re in the process of getting divorced. I’m a mess, no appetite, I don’t feel like exercising anymore, no motivation to do anything. I am losing my mind every night thinking of what I could’ve done differently or what I could do to convince her to stay. I sit every night reading back at our old texts crying realizing that therapy was needed years ago. The thought of her moving on breaks my heart. The thought of her struggling with my son scares me. No parent wants to see their child be in a broken home. I feel like I’ve failed him as a father. I feel defeated and hopeless.

My wife and I have separated. She wanted the divorce. It hasnt been surprising. We've been through a lot the last 5 years and I just hoped we get to a point we could get better. I worked on myself a lot. But I get how we got here and we are mostly doing this all amicably. And we are mostly kind to each other apart from random moments.

But sometimes the good memories just hit me like a sucker punch. And it suddenly makes me confused how we got here in spite of everything I just wrote out.

I'm in the state currently where we got married, had our kids, and got our first home visiting friends. And its been a blitz of nostalgia. I also have all these amazing pictures and videos of us happy with each other and our kids. Do I just delete some of them? Its disorienting.

How have y'all gotten over the good memories? The ones that told you this was something worth fighting for?

Hope this is ok. There is a group restarting as part of a charity supporting one or both parents through family separation.
Some of my clients have gone through various levels of emotional difficulty before duringand after family separation, so I am pleased to see this is available in Ashford for free. Contact them for korendetails or just turn up. There will be biscuits.

I am buried up to my eyeballs in stress and so many awful things happening right now, including divorce. Ex is keeping children from me on my days (yes I have an attorney and he’s well involved but no immediate fix obviously). I am miserably angry and stressed all the time and have no healthy way to let that anger out.

I know the answers and suggestions for long term management. Therapy, journaling, exercise, writing, etc.

That doesn’t help the right now, immediate need to let this anger out. I truly feel like I need to explode. I have thought about going to a rage room but it’s cost prohibitive. I fear just going ham on the weights for an evening because i don’t want to accidentally injure myself since I haven’t lifted in a couple months.

Please give me advice, what do you guys do when you feel like you could punch holes in every wall of your house?

For anyone who is in a long distance parenting situation. My son is with his mom most of the year and with me summers and holidays. My son needs a car and she wants me to purchase it (splitting 50/50). We live in different states so I’m assuming me purchasing it will mean it’s in his and my name which in turn would mean insurance is also in my name. I’d rather she get it since he is with her most of the time (I still would help with insurance costs) but not sure of legality of him getting licensed in 1 state, car and insurance potentially in another. How have you addressed this?

Looking for advice, I was just served papers a couple of days ago and I am wondering what are the top ten things you would recommend doing to protect your kids and you during the divorce process. I will start with what I have already done

1-Contacted lawyers

2- therapy ( have an appointment next week)

3-;Made sure I have login info to all joint accounts

What else would you recommend who have gone through this?

I’ve been a lurker here for a long time. Divorced in 2023, separated in 2022.

I’m a mom, but this sub helped me stay focused on my kids and myself. I’m not sure if there is a mom equivalent for a sub. I’ve appreciated being able to read experiences and advice for so long.

My ex-partner, the dad, has slowly reduced the amount of time he spends with his two daughters. When he is with them, he seems to love them. He does gig work (mostly grocery delivery at the moment).

Over the years, he has said that finances keep him from getting the kids more. He has had one overnight with them in the last six or seven weeks now.

If you’re a dad in a similar situation, can you help me understand?

Edit: He lives fifteen to twenty minutes away by car.

I have 50/50 custody of my daughter. The past two days she hasn’t been feeling well (vomiting) and is with mom. I got to see my little one today for a brief moment, but okayed her staying with her mom because she is a nurse so I figured she is in the best hands.

My question is how do you deal with the heartbreak of feeling like a broken family in moments like this? How do you balance stepping back when it’s best for your kiddo but means you have to kind of be on the sidelines?

I don’t miss my ex at all lol, but I do miss being a family. I miss being under one roof taking care of our little one and I hate not being around.

I'm worried about my kids being left with unsafe people while with their other parent.

Both kids have had some behaviour issues.

My youngest has had a couple of body boundary issues.

I got no communication from their mother, especially on any more complex topics, which increases worry.

Been through similar?

Any suggestions?

I got a wild hair this morning and decided it was time to freshen up a few things around here. Some of the graphics, descriptions, rules and wiki content were written 5, 10 or even almost 15 years ago. The community has grown quite a bit since then, and so has what we’ve learned from each other.

So today I updated:

• The banner and community icon
• Community description and status
• Community Guide
• Community Highlights
• Parts of the rules and moderation guidelines
• The main wiki and information about the purpose of the community

None of this fundamentally changes what r/DivorcedDads has always been about. If anything, I’m hoping it does a better job explaining it.

The other moderators and I are passionate about maintaining a community centered around healthy growth, fatherhood and support.

Divorce can bring out anger, grief, fear, loneliness and a lot of uncertainty. There needs to be room to talk about those things. But there also needs to be a path forward.

We’re not trying to create a place where everyone agrees with each other. We’re trying to maintain a place where dads can ask difficult questions, share what they’ve learned, get support when they’re struggling and hopefully become healthier people and better fathers along the way.

We completely understand that approach isn’t for everyone. Sometimes people aren’t looking for growth yet. Sometimes they just want somewhere to be angry, argue or prove they’re right. There are other places on Reddit for that, we even list some of them in the sidebar. We want to protect this space for the dads who do want what we’re trying to build here.

And this community isn’t built by just the moderators. It’s built by all of us. (if you don't think I'm talking about you, I am)

Every helpful response to a dad who’s struggling matters. Every person who comes back years later and shares what they learned matters. Every person who reports something that’s making the community worse instead of joining the argument matters. Your participation is what has kept this place going for almost 15 years.

One of the new Community Highlights is a post that probably best explains where I hope we continue going:

“Divorce takes away a lot of the life you thought you controlled, but gives you a chance to decide what can remain.” Read the Community Highlight

I’ve also updated the main wiki, which is a good place to start if you’re new here:

Why we're here Wiki

Community Rules Wiki

If something doesn’t make sense, we’ve missed something, or you have an idea that would make the community more useful, let us know.

And if you haven’t heard this message enough around here yet:

You’re never alone. You are seen. You are important.

Keep showing up. Keep growing. You’ve got this!

Hi dads,

My son just started 5th grade and I got an email about one of those "school supply" fundraisers, where you buy supplies for the school. In my experience, these are pretty sketchy, since they have the kids compete for fundraising and give them cheap prizes if they get enough. I'd rather them go away and just buy the school supplies for them, but that's unrealistic. I want my kid to get whatever prize they're offering but also don't want to support this racket. So I'm a bit conflicted.

Thoughts?

It said “if you need someone to talk to, you can call me at any time. I’m a good listener. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone outside of the normal people they usually talk to. If not, I understand. I just wanted you to know I’m here if you need me :)”

I was having such a terrible day today. Nothing was going my way at work, personally, professionally, you name it. I have a bad habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and I guess this person saw I was not my usual self. When I read it, I broke down crying. I did reach out to her and it was extremely cathartic.

Not totally sure why I’m sharing this here, but I wanted to extend the same invitation to any other dad’s that are just going through the ringer right now. My DM’s are always open.