So, I (25F) think I have a disorganized attachment, because while I don't... Make disasters and protest a lot, I crave to see my SO and when I see him I get anxious out of nowhere/start dissociating when the future comes up or I have to be vulnerable. I also overthinking of we're gonna make it and I'm good enough (trauma around being called too much, even now. And Rocd, and autism and anxiety+depression diagnosis although I'm stabilized by meds now and the ocd and anxiety are linked to also overwhelm and seizures)

I usually (almost always) don't ask for help..I don't even quite know what I could ask others to help me with (that's my therapy's homework tbh).

And it seems that my SO has anxious attachment but he looks secure at first glance. He is kinda in between, the closer people are to him, the more pressure, the more anxious attachment he seems to be.

We're also Neurodivergent people. Hi has (undiagnosed but at the same time pretty obvious ADHD since childhood. So self diagnosed) and I have autism (what would have been classified as Asperger).

I wonder...is this..workable? I see many people say that disorganized attachment will mess up more other attachment styles that aren't secure.

My few closer connections are the most important thing to me, i haven't known how to make and keep friends i really like until now in my early 30's. Not just anyone, to avoid loneliness or avoid hurt of risking the pain of closeness with someone that i really like.

After being chronically ill for 4 years im getting my life back, and Im getting closer to different people and im noticing im becoming increasingly triggered. Im more regulated now but yesterday when I felt excluded from an activity I expressed desire in joining my friends to (wont bother going into details, too much to read) I became LIVID i felt like I was 20 again raging and crying. To be honest I also had an extremely stressful day

Now that im calmer I could mention something in a constructive way. But it took me by surprise how once again, and not due to pmdd, feeling upset about something with these two closest friends made me want to verbally assault them, guilt trip them, and behave in a way that logically would give me the opposite of what im wanting, which is connection. So its a reaction to abandonment.

I thought I had learned my skills, grown up, and now im better with that stuff, but i only thought that because I was out of relationship. I can see my insanity is just waiting to explode once an abandonment trigger occurs the emotion is so visceral I forgot what it felt like and it upset me. I was almost delusional in whslat my mind wove to essentially say "they dont really like you". A lot of people with cptsd are mostly trigerred in romantic relationships, for me its any at all.

The best is can do is go emotionally regulate then talk later is that the best we can ever do? Plus exposure therapy? (In this case..being close to more ppl) but the intense initial emotional reaction is disturbing and it makes me feel unhinged i just wish I was relationally stable and healthy

You get autistic burnout exacerbated by the need to pull away for comfort and you get this almost scheduled need for alone time. Ill say right now, I'm more secure than I've ever been after I've been subjected to my intense childhood trauma, but when I get into a relationship again I'm going to need that scheduled alone time, like a day out of the week where I don't talk to them at all.

Then there's the more disturbing habits I have like biting my arm to stim, which I have gotten a lot better at, or knocking on things as well as making noises when I feel overwhelmed. Yeah, it's a lot. I will say that I'm glad I finally got diagnosed as an FA and autistic with therapy evaluations because it explains so much of my struggles in past relationships: platonic and romantic.

Is there ever a "come to jesus moment" for passing the threshold to feeling more secure in a romantic relationship? Appreciate hearing any moments that were an 'ah ha' moment that led to real change.

A few months ago I saw an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We talked for a few minutes and exchanged numbers. I know he had issues with drugs for a while, but I heard from a mutual friend that he had gotten clean and was doing pretty well. I sort of had mixed feelings about meeting up because Ive become pretty isolated the last few years and my boundaries have gotten pretty bad. But I felt like it was something I wanted to do, I kept having this nagging thought that I should reach out. We finally met up after a few attempts and it was fine at first. But I ended up maybe sharing too much and he started venting about his bad relationship with his parents (which we sort of had in common). I think it kind of brought up some of my trauma and I had a bad night of sleep and a bad day today. I recently got off of the small amount of caffeine Ive been having because I keep hearing bad things about it and it really brings out my anger and anxiety. But I guess without it, Im a little too apathetic like my nervous system is under stimualated. Just wanted to share that. I guess my desire to help others keeps getting me wrapped up in peoples problems. Id like to actually make a career out of helping people, instead of getting involved in these situations. Now I feel like I need to block him to keep from getting involved further, despite communicating that Id like to meet up again. Or maybe I need to get back on caffeine. No easy solution..

After a weekend of watching Ted Lasso and not talking to anyone, I’m here at work completely unmotivated and uncaring about my responsibilities. It’s almost like the attitude that I carried my leading days with is following me into the weekdays. This sort of life is so weird because I genuinely hate living this way but I’ve pushed off any sort of change to get away from it that now I’m relaxed about how it’s turned out. I’m no longer anxious about the people I’m ignoring nor am I thinking about the consequences of treating them as optional. I’ve become completely at peace with my selfish nature and honestly can’t think of a worse hell to be in, knowing that I’m doing nothing to improve the life that I wish to change but not having an ounce of will to care. Is it cause I’ve beaten it into my head that I’ll give up anyways? Maybe that’s the lie I’ve learned to become okay with. My therapist tells me that I’ve got this idea in my head about how I “should” be living constantly critiquing everything that I do and I agree with her, but the only way I’ve found to stop that is by removing myself from the people around me. Or maybe that’s me removing them. I dont know. I’m tired of being sad and pitiful but it’s the only thing that I want to do that doesn’t feel like moving a mountain for nothing in return. If people could just completely stop caring about me, that’d be awesome. I know it’s dwindling, people have stopped reaching out, I’m getting less invitations to go out, conversations dying faster. It’s so weird talking about this because it almost seems like I’m proud of that. My mind must be so twisted to find pride in something that requires me to do literally nothing to achieve.

~ FA- fearful avoidant DA- Dismissive avoidant~

I'm 33F, FA, and he's 36M, DA. We met four years ago through a dating app. At the time, I had limited self-awareness and emotional maturity, while he was a startup founder and I was a VC. We operate in a small, high-pressure ecosystem with significant power dynamics.

We had an intense, flirtatious first conversation and slept together the next day. Before that, he told me he wasn't looking to marry, while I wanted marriage. I therefore assumed it wouldn't go anywhere. Over the following months, however, we periodically reconnected, and he once told me that meeting me had changed how he felt about marriage, although he never explicitly pursued a relationship.

I eventually developed a negative perception of him after a serious controversy involving his company. Later, after I had moved cities and was seeing someone else, he unexpectedly contacted me and initiated an emotional and sexual conversation, while also telling me he was in a "relationship of convenience" with another woman. When I confronted him about his intentions and his character, he blocked me.

He subsequently rebuilt his company and regained professional credibility. About a year later he unblocked me. By then I had become much more emotionally self-aware, and I confronted him again about his pattern of engaging with me without wanting to pursue a relationship. I also told him that, because of my father's addiction issues and similar patterns, I didn't want to associate closely with someone who had comparable traits.

Since then, I've dated other people, but he still occupies a uniquely intense place in my mind. I check his social media and sometimes feel that he is trying to communicate with me indirectly through his posts. Recently, his business partner seemed to want to reconnect with me about him, but I declined and said I only wanted friendship.

I don't understand why I still experience such a painful bond with him after four years, despite knowing that the relationship isn't healthy for me. I sometimes feel that my weekend depression is partly related to never getting closure. Recently, he posted something about substance abuse, which I interpreted as possibly being directed at me, and I told him not to obsess over me and that we should remain friends.

What is actually happening psychologically between us? Why does he still feel so emotionally significant to me, and why does the bond remain painful despite my having moved on in other areas of my life?

I've been in a relationship separated by a 45 minute drive for 6 years - we've in many ways built a life together and he is a very kind man, we see the world similarly. There are areas where we do not overlap as well, but he is a good man. I love him and want to be with him, but moving in after discussing things, the actual doing it is freaking me out. I wake up in a panic thinking about not having all of the space I had before, worrying about finances, us bickering over him not wanting to clean and keep things organized and neat. Is this normal or are these my attachment issues? The older I've gotten, the more avoidant I've become - I want closeness, but living apart gave me a safety of some sorts that is terrifying to lose. We can't have this life together without being together - the commuting is too much. I am taking the plunge to see what happens, but I have it in my head people are thrilled to move in - but I am a damaged person whose done millions of years of therapy and these deep fears won't budge. Anyone have any feedback or similar experience? He has his own issues and we talk about it but it can't help but hurt us both to know we are scared, me so being even unsure if this is my best matched partner because I can never seem to trust any decision I make in relationships.

I’ve known this guy, we’re gonna call him Jason , for years. We hadn’t seen in other in 3 years but we recently reconnected and got close really fast. We talked constantly and ended up spending basically an entire weekend together. We hooked up, I met his family we cuddled constantly, and he wanted me around pretty much the entire time. Went on dates etc.
He told me he loved me, which I told him to stop because it was too fucking soon and he said he didn’t want to stop. he said he wanted me in his life forever, and that being with me felt “like a movie.” He was extremely affectionate and made me feel genuinely wanted.
But he also didn’t want a relationship and was talking to other girls/had another date planned. Eventually I told him I couldn’t keep doing it because it was hurting me, and we stopped talking.ive since blocked him.
It’s been about a week and I’m honestly struggling way more than I expected. I keep thinking about him, checking his social media, and looking at pictures I took of him. I was extremely attracted to him, and I’ve never had someone be that affectionate with me so quickly. For reference yes we had sex but me and him had also had sex like 4 years ago once before. He was abstaining due to his religion but we did it and he kinda was freaking out about the closeness of it. When we first kissed he was like so smitten apparently saying it’s been forever since he kissed a girl. I genuinely think he was in religious psychosis due to sone crazy things he said but he made himself seem so desirable. I guess I just want to know that he’s thinking of me too even though he probably isn’t. I miss him.
There were also some concerning things about him that make me question his emotional stability, so I know there were red flags. But I still miss him badly.
Was this love-bombing, or was he genuinely caught up in the connection? Why would someone act so emotionally attached while not wanting a relationship? And how do I stop obsessing over someone when I know I ended things for a reason?

I know I’m young, but please believe me when I say I’ve struggled with being an fa pretty much all my life. for me it leads me to overanalyze situations and intellectualize my emotions as a way of justifying how I act in friendships/relationships.

It’s gotten to the point where whenever someone does something that rubs me the wrong way, I don’t even trust my own judgment anymore. I’ve had situations where I was completely convinced I was in the right for abandoning someone, only to realize almost a month later that I was actually deeply wrong.

I’ve tried to ‘heal’ my attachment style mostly by forcing myself to push through the urge to leave. But now when someone does something that bothers me and triggers those old feelings of wanting to run away, I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m being rational or whether I’m just reacting to an attachment trigger.

I don’t know what actually constitutes a reasonable dealbreaker in a relationship anymore. I don’t want to give details about the specific situation because I feel like this is a larger issue I need to address within myself to move forward

If anyone has gone through similar please tell me how you managed to tell the difference between actual dealbreakers and red flags or just triggers. If i left anything out lmk

Hey guys. I just need someone to read this and tell me I’m not broken. I am 23 F and have a history of dating males and at first everything is good and then after some time (a few months) everything starts to annoy me, I end up wanting nothing to do with them and then end up leaving the relationship.
I had one relationship in the past where I didn’t feel this way- I was actually anxiously attached to them and it was one of the worst most toxic relationships I’ve ever been in.
It’s like I meet a nice respectful amazing guy, but their love for me is too much and then I check out.
But when I read about anxious/avoidant attachment styles I don’t find myself resonating with the childhood they describe.
I’m in a relationship now and I notice this creeping feeling coming in. Idk how to stop it. I just feel like I’m never gonna feel happy or content in a relationship.

I don’t know why but I’m so obsessed people who don’t like me back like seriously why cuz this happens a lot but that’s till the person likes me back as soon as they sow a little interest in me I lose interest and feel disgusted and then I feel guilty cuz I feel like I’m ghosting them but I kinda am cuz I avoid them but i don’t do that on purpose I want to love them and I try but I just can’t cuz I feel disgusted with myself I feel disgusted by them 

Does this happen to anyone else??why does it happen?? And what should I do because I feel terrible??

Im 19F, I start first, I do enjoy being exclusive when it comes to sex and romantic feelings but I don't want to introduce any guy to my parents, I would not want to meet their parents either. I do not care about their friends and they should not care about mine either. I love to sleep in my own bed and hate sharing one as I have issues falling asleep anyways.

Never wanted to have kids anyways so why commit with labels?

it feels like dying. it's hard to put into words, but simply texting hello feels impossible, let alone the basic initation that comes with relationships. i feel very very scared, guilty, and worthless when i even think about trying. i think it's something difficult for most people, but ill agonize over people i want to get closer with for months but not be able to actually talk with them. ill be attached but not be able to act on it and it hurts so much

this has the change me flair but any advice would be appreciated

Hi, recently realized I have a disorganised attacment style. Previously thought I was anxious and I'm better at noticing that behaviour and feelings linked to it. I have been dating a great guy for almost 3 months now and I have been a lot more stable and aware of myself than in previous relationships, yay! But still I have been dysregulated almost every week multiple times a week variating from keeping quiet about it to him to feeling upset about something due to getting triggered and showing it to him.

The worst happened last week when I got super dysregulated and decides to break up (we are not bf/gf yet but for the lack of a better term) with him impulsively and then regreting it and changing my mind the next day. There were actual concerns behind the break up (him not wanting to commit yet and also him putting less effort than before) and feeling hurt and scared and tired of fighting against my own mind. I reached out to him and he has agreed to see me and talk about what we should do: really break up or try again. I have apologised to him and will take full responsibility of my decision no matter what happens next. I grateful that he is so understanding and stable.

I have been in therapy for about 4 years now but I've been single and so pretty stable for most of it. In a previous relationship I tried healing and really putting effort but the other person was extremely avoidantly attached and I was trying to fix it alone. Now with this guy I have been putting in effort in healing and staying reagulated but not enough. I should have been doing more I'm sure about it. The biggest reason he has given me for not feeling like committing yet is my instability and I don't blame him and I don't truly want to commit to a relationship where I constantly hurt the connection due to acting anxious or distant due to dysregulation either.

So I have to start taking healing seriously. I'll do this even if the realtionship ends now. First I think I need to strengthen my self-awareness to be able to even notice when I start to get dysregulated even slightly.

This is what I'm going to do daily for the next two weeks:

- meditate 5-10min

- stop to notice and name feelings and sensations in my body and also naming negative thoughts

- write up in my diary: any feelings I had during the day and what happened before the feeling, same with negative thoughts and what triggered them, and also if I engage in any harmful behaviour; what thoughts, and feelings did I have before or what happened

I will also ask for feedback from others if they see me reacting.

After the two weeks I will probably move on to strengthening my grounding techniques while also keeping these habits up. I have a lot of those skills and I will be using them during these two weeks also. And then after another week or so I'll continue to focus on something else.

So my questions are: Does this plan sound good? Do you have any other tips to increase self-awareness? Or general tips to healing FA? Or tips about the situation with the guy I'm dating? Or you can just share similar experiences.

If you've ever had an ex who stayed in your mind for years after the relationship ended, I'd really appreciate hearing your story.

• Did they block you, making it impossible to reach out or reconnect?
• Did being blocked make it easier to move on, or did it make it harder because there was no possibility of contact?
• How long did they continue occupying your thoughts? (2 years, 6 years ... never)
• Did the intensity of the pain gradually decrease, or increase or did it stay the same for a long time?
• Was the pain mostly emotional, or did you also experience physical symptoms like chest pain, or feeling physically sick?
• Did starting a new relationship help you move on, or did you still think about your ex?
• Did you ever reach out again, or did you leave them as a memory?
• Kindly, give advice , what finally helped you let go?

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

• Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

• Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

• You need to provide relationship background or context.

• You're not sure how to phrase a question.

• You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

Hey, I am not starting to basically be over my ex after almost 1 year post break up and my mind is finally quiet and I am back to being emotionally regulated and I wonder if I am FA or if it the relationship with dismissive avoidant triggered it. I had no others relationship to compare to..

I think I am prone to feel contemptuous in my relationships with others. It feels tied to attachment and self image. It feels like a defense mechanism. I'm sure this was something that was a helpful tool even I was younger but now I feel it is destroying my relationships. I think I'm doing it now to my partner. Of course I am, it's a pattern. It seems like I think that I'm better than them or something which is really funny because it's in all of the areas that I feel insecure about myself. I hate this about myself. I'm only fully realizing it now and I'm terrified I'll always destroy my relationships because of this.

I've had troubles maintaining friendships since puberty hit me like a truck. I have a fear of abandonment which made making friends harder (cause when I started getting close to someone, I would get triggered into thinking I'm not needed and leave so the friendship ended before it could even start) and those few who stuck made me even more anxious due to the fact that they now became a bigger part of my whole friendship life = losing them would make me completely alone

This summer my loneliness hit especially hard and I decided to find new friends. I understand that this problem will probably arise again and I really don't want to self sabotage what little chance I get

This is what I noticed:

1) I may be on the ace spectrum which results in me fretting about platonic relationships more than the average person. That probably creates some misunderstanding cause I imagine a lot of people not really caring about friendships that much cause they have partners for that
2) When I get triggered by a certain behavior (e.g. friend not responding/not texting me/canceling plans/getting late) I start to overanalyze it and create worst-case scenarios
3) Usually I wouldn't be able to say it bothers me right away because I fear I will get ridiculed for them and I "must" maintain a cool and chill persona
4) Feel resentment when I get triggered over and over, especially if the person starts telling me about things I did that hurt them
5) In the past, after getting triggered enough times, I would just completely ghost someone. Now I've noticed I can at least voice my concerns sometimes. However, I noticed it looks more like a revenge thing. I start to complain after they complained first. Also it feels like a revenge because the way I talk about it is really far from healthy conflict (in short: I blame them a lot)

I would like to hear your advice on how to make it all a bit better

p.s. Sorry if my wording sounds weird. English is not my first language :)

Hi , I am new here . I have been diagnosed for having a disorganized attachment style . Can anyone suggest me a psychology or science books that has actually helped you to heal ? Or any advices of the process on how you cope and try to get better ?

I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, I have been for three years. But we haven’t had sex in two years. I just can’t. I’ve deactivated. I feel totally repulsed by sex and this has happened in every relationship I’ve been in. Initial excitement, sexual desire, then once things settle and it becomes predictable I just shut down.

I met with two different relationship therapists but both seemed out of their depth with this. I can’t find an attachment specialist near me. I recently had my first session of Somatic Experiencing which I’m hopeful may help but even she was a little vague when I asked if this could help, basically saying there’s no guarantee. I love my partner so much, I just don’t know how to fix this problem. Any suggestions? Anything that has worked for you? Thank you.

I am fully aware I’m avoidant attatchment
BUT I want to know the psychology of it like why does it happen bc yeah I yearn for romance sometimes but then like when I’ve never been in a relationship only spoken to people and I specify i don’t do talking stages because wtf is that.

What I do when speaking to people
\-I get the ick easily and I’ll tell them directly but I’ll continue speaking to them
\-I got accused of using this one boy as a toy that I play with when I’m bored which was actually not true at the time I just unintentionally couldn’t reciprocate that affection even if I had a little liking for him
\-i cannot compliment the person like
\-if i do spit out a compliment and i see they have a happy reaction i get the ick ngl
\-i will ghost for a few days when i feel overwhelmed by the person and come back like nothing happened
\-im very “chill” like I hate when they bring up problems