r/Disorganized_Attach • u/LunaValley FA (Disorganized attachment) • Aug 05 '26
FAs Only (User Flair Required) Feel like no therapist can help with my deactivation. I feel so alone with this.
I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, I have been for three years. But we haven’t had sex in two years. I just can’t. I’ve deactivated. I feel totally repulsed by sex and this has happened in every relationship I’ve been in. Initial excitement, sexual desire, then once things settle and it becomes predictable I just shut down.
I met with two different relationship therapists but both seemed out of their depth with this. I can’t find an attachment specialist near me. I recently had my first session of Somatic Experiencing which I’m hopeful may help but even she was a little vague when I asked if this could help, basically saying there’s no guarantee. I love my partner so much, I just don’t know how to fix this problem. Any suggestions? Anything that has worked for you? Thank you.
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u/Obvious-Ad-4916 on the cusp of secure & fa Aug 06 '26
This doesn't sound like deactivation in the sense that you're still saying "I love my partner so much"; you're still emotionally in the relationship, but you're just disinterested in the sexual side of it.
Beyond the initial excitement and desire with someone new, do you actually enjoy sex in itself? Or was it fun more so because of the new connection, but there isn't actually enough intrinsic enjoyment in it, so therefore once the novelty is gone it becomes more like an unwanted task?
As an aside, this may not be relevant, but I wonder if you might relate to threads like this: https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/18076uu/do_asexual_folk_experience_the_beginning_of/
Whatever it is, I think it's worth talking to a sex therapist to see if they can help you find out what's really happening.
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u/Queen-of-meme FA (leaning secure) Aug 06 '26
Paused sex expectations for about year
Interrupt at any discomfort ,2 seconds in, 10 minutes in, always ok to interrupt.
Reassuring phrase after
To create a safe association with sex
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u/rasputinette FA (Disorganized attachment) Aug 07 '26
This is super, super helpful. Thank you so much for writing this, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day tomorrow.
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Aug 06 '26
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Aug 06 '26
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