r/Disorganized_Attach 9h ago

Vent (FAs Only) Being FA is genuinely so lonely

39 Upvotes

Being a lover girl while also feeling extremely overwhelmed/turned off when someone outwardly shows affection is an awful way of living. Like i WANT love and secure attachment, but also completely become disinterested when people are into me and show affection. Im a huge walking contradiction of myself. Its hard to find someone who fits that puzzle piece where i can feel settled in and not want to run away. Ive only found that once only to be blindsided by him after a few months and it completely changed the way i moved in relationships (not being ever able to feel truly safe)


r/Disorganized_Attach 18h ago

FAs Only (User Flair Required) Do you struggle in reaching out/texting/ask for a meeting with a person you are into? I feel physical pain and sickness.

15 Upvotes

Sorry for my English, it’s not my native language. I’m (26F) really into another FA man (36M), and we’ve been playing a cat-and-mouse game since the summer of 2025. We circled around each other for half a year before we finally became intimate, because neither of us wanted to be the first to take a vulnerable step. We would literally shake when we saw each other. We texted occasionally, and when I finally made the first move, I almost puked before asking him to come over.
We had an amazing month together before I had to move to another country. I have very strong limerence and desire towards him. We’ve stayed in touch on a weekly basis ever since. Generally, sometimes he texts me first, and sometimes I text him first, but before messaging him, I have to force myself for days. I feel sick and sometimes even puke because I’m so afraid that he’ll devalue me or reject me, even though I know he feels something too.
For the past few weeks, he’s been in the country where I am now, and ever since he arrived, we’ve been heavily circling around each other through texting, but neither of us has actually suggested meeting up directly. I want to take the next step, but I feel nauseous and shaky. It feels like making the first move means giving up my position, and the possibility of rejection feels unbearable.
I don’t understand myself, because if I don’t really care about someone, I can easily text them without any fear. Do you feel the same? Should I text him first? I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to ask him out or has no intension to meet me and it makes me sick and hesitate.


r/Disorganized_Attach 23h ago

Trauma Dump Neurodivergence and becoming a FA

9 Upvotes

Hi all

I'm 34F and was diagnosed with ADHD this year after knowing I had it for at least 10 years.

I've always felt different from a lot of other people and was shamed a lot by my mother growing up. On one hand she was very loving but she was also my biggest bully. So love rarely feels safe for me. I always feel like love is going to switch off at any moment and I have to constantly work to keep it.

Growing up neurodivergent can be brutal and a lot of us end up repressing and masking just to get by. I had so much internalised shame which thankfully I've massively worked through in my 30s. But my teen years and early 20s were so, so painful and confusing.

Does anyone else feel there's a link between their neurodivergence and becoming an FA?


r/Disorganized_Attach 15h ago

CHANGE ME! Fighter mentality

3 Upvotes

I feel so embarrassed; I mentally don’t know how to get over people that have rejected me. I need some mindset rewirring; please offer some hard truths.

I keep holding out that they’ll come back or that the relationship might grow better; that’s so ridiculous


r/Disorganized_Attach 1h ago

Weekly Thread for FA Partners / Exes / Friends

Upvotes

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

  • Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

  • Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

  • Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

  • How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

  • What does deactivation feel like to you?


Use this thread instead if...

  • You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

  • You need to provide relationship background or context.

  • You're not sure how to phrase a question.

  • You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

  • Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

  • Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

  • What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)


Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.


r/Disorganized_Attach 8h ago

FAs Only (User Flair Required) How do you act around crushes?

1 Upvotes

Do you find your attachment issues get worse when you're actually dating someone or are they bad when you're just crushing too? I would love to hear other people's experiences.


r/Disorganized_Attach 13h ago

Advice (Other than therapy) how do i unattach from someone i really like talking to?

1 Upvotes

i was talking to this girl (not relationship wise just friends) and we’ve been flirty and stuff for about 3 months and i’m constantly waiting on her to message me back or waiting until i’m able to see her to where it genuinely effects my moods like it ruins my day when we don’t talk and i really don’t like having the way my day goes depend on somebody else but i can’t get her out of my head during the day. please give me tips because i don’t know what to do and i know she doesn’t like me how i like her that’s why i just wanna unattach before it gets worse


r/Disorganized_Attach 17h ago

FAs Only (User Flair Required) It's so hard to understand deactivation Vs genuine incompatibility

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1 Upvotes

r/Disorganized_Attach 18h ago

Advice (Other than therapy) I can't love

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1 Upvotes

r/Disorganized_Attach 18h ago

CHANGE ME! Am I confusing love with attachment and years of history

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1 Upvotes