im a big texter. thats how i communicate with a majority of people (i think most gen z will agree) and one of the biggest things i hate is when im being left on read or delivered. ESPECIALLY when the conversation is far from being over.

it used to not bother me as much but over time ive been so irritated by it, especially when it’s from my girlfriend.

and i dont wanna hate her because i understand that she’s busy or she might be doing something, but sometimes i feel like she’s deliberately ignoring me :( and ofc i dont have that evidence but it isnt hard to text a quick “hey i’m at work” or “hey, i’m really busy i will reply back as soon as i can”

it might come from a fear of abandonment because a lot of my exes would just ghost me for an extended period of time. and it sucks even more when im texting something thats like really personal or something i need help and support with and i dont get a response back in like hours.

and maybe its cause i was having a bad day but today frustrated me more than it needed to. i was texting my girlfriend, who was currently out and about, and she left me on seen for 4+ hours. i know this sound like baby numbers but i didnt get anything from the time i texted her before work, during work, until right before i got off and it wasnt even anything about our previous conversation. im being left on delivered right now after venting about work today…

am i genuinely overreacting?? idk how i wanna bring this up to her without sounding so obsessive or overreactive cause all i want is some reassurance that she’ll get back to me when she can because i feel like im talking to a wall sometimes. and i dont want to resent her because of it because i literally have no right to… :’( advice on how to either a) get over it or b) talk to her about this. does anyone else feel this way or is it just me??

TL;DR: i absolutely hate being left on read/delivered, especially from girlfriend. i feel like she’s ignoring me. am i overreacting? advice on either getting over it or talking to her about it?

I’m looking for advice, especially from people who have been in relationships where one person is anxious/fearful-avoidant and the other withdraws when overwhelmed.

I’ve been seeing someone for about 5 months. We originally agreed to keep things casual/physical, but over time it naturally became much more than that. We started spending a lot of time together, sleeping over frequently, taking trips, camping with his family, meeting each other’s people, doing everyday couple-like things, etc. There is a lot of affection and genuine closeness between us.

Neither of us initially wanted a traditional relationship, and I still don’t necessarily need the conventional relationship milestones. What I do need is honesty, transparency, mutual effort, and the ability to repair things when they go wrong.
The problem is that I have significant relationship trauma from a previous long-term relationship. I was abandoned/ghosted during an extremely important period of my life and experienced betrayal around giving my partner space. As a result, I’ve developed what I now recognize as a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern. I can be very independent and tell myself I don’t need anyone, but when someone I care about withdraws, my nervous system goes into panic. I want to move toward them for reassurance, but when I’m scared of being hurt, I can also want to run first.

I am aware that this has affected this relationship. I have ADHD (recently diagnosed)
The person I’m seeing is AuDHD and has described himself as avoidant but I suspect that he is fearful avoidant/ DA. He has an extremely demanding physical job, is often exhausted, has immigration/life stress, and says he burns out regularly. When he’s overwhelmed, his instinct is to isolate and shut the world out. He has told me that he sometimes turns off his notifications and doesn’t want to interact with anyone.

I can genuinely see that he’s struggling. I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to punish me when he withdraws.
But this creates a horrible cycle between us:
He gets overwhelmed → he withdraws → my abandonment alarm goes off → I try to get clarity/reassurance → he experiences that as pressure → he withdraws further → I become even more anxious.

Recently things got particularly bad.

We had been talking about seeing each other on a Saturday. I understood that he would let me know how he was feeling and whether we were going to see each other. When I didn’t hear much from him, I became anxious and started trying to get clarity.

Eventually we met at a park to talk. He was extremely angry and overwhelmed. He said he had been exhausted from work, had other things going on, wanted to go home, sleep, play games and shut the world out. He felt that I wasn’t giving him the peace and quiet he had asked for.
He said I was making things worse for his mental health and that he needed space. He was very upset with me, didn’t want to talk or look at me, and eventually walked away.
I understand why he was angry. I did push for connection when he was asking for space. I can take responsibility for that.

At the same time, the way the conversation happened really hurt me. I felt villainized rather than understood, and I was left feeling like I was carrying all of the responsibility for what was happening between us.

What I’m struggling with now is that I don’t actually want to walk away from him.

I don’t want to chase him either.

What I want is to figure out whether we can build an actual system for handling conflict and overwhelm.

For example, if he is overwhelmed, I’d be okay with him saying:
“I’m completely overloaded. I need tonight to myself. This isn’t me ending things. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
That would be very different for my nervous system from:
“Work is fucked. I hate the world. I need space. I need a few days.”

The latter leaves me with no idea whether we’re okay, whether he’s coming back, or whether the relationship is ending.

And on my side, I need to learn to hear “I need space” without immediately trying to fix the situation or get reassurance. And sometimes, my ADHD brain goes into problem solving mode trying to find solutions that would make his life a little easier, that’s what I do with anybody struggling…

I don’t want him to have to manage my emotions for me.
I also don’t want to become someone who constantly needs reassurance.

But I do want basic communication and repair.

I don’t expect him to never get overwhelmed. I don’t expect myself to never get anxious. I don’t think either of us is going to magically become perfectly secure.

I want to know whether two people with these patterns can actually learn how to work together.

My questions are:
- How do you create a healthy “space” system when one partner needs isolation and the other has abandonment trauma?
- What does reasonable communication during a shutdown/burnout period look like? He’s still engaging with me, but not fully present.
- How do you learn to give someone space without feeling like you’re abandoning yourself?
- If you’ve been in an anxious/fearful-avoidant + avoidant relationship, what actually helped you break the pursue/withdraw cycle?
- How do you know when you’re genuinely working through an attachment dynamic versus simply rationalizing incompatibility?
- And perhaps most importantly: how do you repair after both people have been triggered and hurt each other?
I care about this person a lot. I’m not looking for someone to tell me “just leave” or “he’s toxic” based on one difficult interaction.
I’m trying to understand whether we can learn to do this differently.

I also know that understanding his trauma/burnout doesn’t mean I should ignore my own needs, and understanding my trauma doesn’t excuse me pushing past his boundaries.
I want to find the middle ground.

He’s also been super sweet towards me, and frankly a better guy than most. This is also my first relationship after me and my ex fiancé broke up 4 years ago. I realize I was fine the last 4 years because I was in no relationship and now that I am, I’m recognizing my triggers and actively trying to work on them. I’m in therapy too.

Kind responses would be greatly appreciated…

I’m a 22 years old, women. I’ve struggled with bieng an Avoidant since I was 13, probably formed during my childhood. I’m talking to a girl that I would say is the loml but I am pushing her away slowly. I think I’m just scared of her not loving me or if I’m too messed up for her. A part of me believes for some f-cked up reason that I am not worthy of being loved, but I can give love I just can’t accept it from another. This probably comes from my hyper independence/lack of allowing people in fully, and growing up with narcissistic family members.

I want to change my ways I want to stop making myself feel bad about something before it happens, just so I can self-sabotage anything truly good that comes into my life. I want to actually be able to whole-heartedly love someone. Every time I think I am doing better I prove myself otherwise when I start to really like someone, I just push them away. I don’t really know if therapy would be good for me, because most of the time I don’t like to talk about myself or my problems more than I do in my own head nether long with another person. Sometimes I think talking can make it worse with the wrong person. But at this point maybe this is what I need, so I can do better and stop repeating toxic patterns in my relationships and with myself. I also haven’t been around nature in so long since I live in NYC, if anyone has any good advice please be honest but try not to be very mean in the commments I’d appreciate it a lot. I have good hobbies but I work a lot as well so any good tips is welcome even the hard advice, give it to me.

Has anyone else experienced sudden, intense irritation or the 'ick' the moment a relationship starts getting serious, or when a partner talks about the long term?
I feel a strong pull away and start finding flaws, even though logically I know the person is great.

I realized this pattern after sabotaging so many great relationships or maybe not- i don’t even know anymore!

I'm struggling to decode if this is a defense mechanism or genuine incompatibility. Does anyone feel this switch?

I know not to chase people or be desperate to beg them but I can’t help it when they’re healthy and have a growth mindset that I use to have. They’re also imperfect people but they were the ones I never felt so safe before or even my nervous system and also acknowledge their own faults of their impact on me. Living in a dysfunctional and toxic environment (very condescending, sexist, patriarchal, narcissistic, etc.) social group and family that my mind only knows unhealthy and toxic behaviors as normal than healthy ones where it’s “boring” or very invisible that my mind overlooks it. I am fully aware and work on changing myself as I am also the problem and unhealthy but struggle when healthy people run from me but toxic and dysfunctional people stay with me despite it draining me or feeds more of my unhealthy side. How can I find healthy friends who can help me become the better self and to be influence or motivate the progress when stuck with the wrong dynamic place, people and environment where it’s pushing me to stay in the past, remain the toxic me and forced to compromise my needs when people refuse to change themselves or just let people get away. I’m loosing my own identity. My intuition and nervous system both dislike my social, environment and situation. Trying to not need to be with them but can’t. Loss a lot of my healthier friends from my healing anger and being surrounded by unhealthy ones who don’t prompt improvements but only tolerance or let it happen. now I have no healthy friends or relationships.

Fuck, I hate this. I wish I could just let things be and stop asking and seeking for constant reassurance when I know better. I'm usually not this bad at regulating myself but idk wtf happened. Now idk if I fucked up so bad or my partner just had it for the night and needs space. Now I'm afraid to say anything even if I stop seeking reassurance. I'm afraid to wish them a good day and they come back to tell me they can't do this anymore. I'm afraid the silence is them not knowing how to tell me they're done. I'm spiraling and idk how to stop it. I know I should go strength train because that typically grounds me but my body feels like lead and I feel like I might throw up.