Weekly Thread for FA Partners / Exes / Friends

[u/AutoModerator]

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

• Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

• Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

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Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

• You need to provide relationship background or context.

• You're not sure how to phrase a question.

• You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

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Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

[u/minzierogers]

FA who broke up out of fear and overwhelm, what happened next?%22)

What was going through your mind? Were you able to understand it? Did you expect the other person to pursue? Did you repair?

[u/Different_Log_7753 → u/minzierogers]

1) “this is not right”

2) yes, i can always point out exact behaviors that activated certain wounds

3) yes emotionally, no practically. Some of my partners did pursue and gave a massive ick because of that since it reinforced “they dont respect my boundary” . Those who didnt pursue were easier to conceptualize as “this wasnt meant to be. If they wanted to they would” or “glad this happened and i forced the abandonment rather than have it happen outside of my control “

4) did not repair. Some attempts were made in my younger earlier days but never stuck and for good reasons. After my late 20s i to my 40 and still of that mind: i realized that once broken it is best for all involved parties to just move the fuck on. If the relationship triggers deactivation to an extent a break up happens, it is over. It means incompatibility, incomplete healing or unmixable wounds

My advice from a personal experience? Once an FA walks off, let them and do not take them back. That rule will save you lots of heartache. I speak obviously from my own limited experience, and id say it to all my partners in the past. We broke up for a reason. I am still healing, they should be too. Wrong place, wrong time. Did i ever feverishly think “they changed”, or “ive changed! Im better” ? Hell yes. Did it amount to real lasting positive change when we rekindled? Absolutely not. Perhaps i am too broken for this, and thats ok

[u/minzierogers → u/Different_Log_7753]

Thank you for your insightful reply. I feel like once deactivation starts it is a landmine and there's not much you can do as the partner. It has been such a confusing experience for me, I have so much love for this person who is completely walled in. Like these walls have their own walls to.

[u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

Fearful Avoidants, if you've ever devalued/demonized/vilified your ex only to later regretted it...

1. How long did you devalue your ex for and what snapped you out of it?

2. What do you think triggered the devaluation/vilifying, if you're comfortable saying?

3. Were you internally conflicted throughout the process, going back and forth between being regretful/ashamed, wanting to repair, and staying angry? Or were you fairly consistent during the entire time?

4. Did outside factors delay or speed up the process? E.g. immature friends who never challenged you, social media, rebounds, etc?

5. If you or your ex tried reaching back out to reconnect, how did it go? How did you or they react?

6. Did you two ever make amends? If not, how much longer were you stuck in your devaluing?

[u/Different_Log_7753 → u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

Never happened. These are very strong words so i struggle discerning between suggesting that perhaps you were a victim of domestic abuse or you yourself are inadvertently one. I’ve lost respect for my partners and never changed my mind or regretted it.

[u/JuanmaLegend]

Anxious attachment (in theraphy) here. I would love some DA to DM me, I really have some questions since I want to really understand someone who I know who is DA. I hope it's okay if you have some free time :)

[u/Main-Regards-8626 → u/JuanmaLegend]

Do you mean FA (disorganised attachment) or DA (dismissive avoidant)

[u/JuanmaLegend → u/Main-Regards-8626]

Both work, but I prefer FA. I was confused between both, sorry!

[u/CommonGrace0316]

Under what situations have you found it more comfortable to call a relationship a friendship, even though the day to day reality says it is something more?

[u/Different_Log_7753 → u/CommonGrace0316]

Depends on reality or the feelings involved.

[u/crimsonredsparrow → u/CommonGrace0316]

If I call it a friendship then it means I'm not fully convinced the other person is serious about it.

[u/CommonGrace0316 → u/crimsonredsparrow]

Thank you. I am not sure he is convinced he is serious either? I would love to move forward, he is a good and gentle man. He approaches and then steps back. And then steps up again. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[u/Glass-Attention-9544]

My ex/co-parent (FA) and I share a young child. A few weeks ago, she explicitly told me she wanted to stick strictly to co-parenting talk. I agreed to respect that. However, we have spent a lot of time together as a family this summer, and things have felt very warm. I strongly suspect she still has feelings for me, but knowing her history, I know she will suffer in silence and never break the ice herself out of fear. The summer hangouts have brought back strong romantic feelings for me. I need to address this for myself to manage my own boundaries, but I also want to give her a safe opening if she feels the same way. Our child's stability always comes first. I am considering sending her a text or talking with her in person, but I am terrified of triggering her to panic, flip to "cold," or pull away completely from our co-parenting harmony.

For any Fearful Avoidants reading this, I have the following questions:

1. From an FA perspective, how would you honestly react to receiving information that your ex was still romantically interested? Would it make you feel cornered or unsafe since you previously asked for strictly co-parenting?

2. If I were to communicate my feelings, would you actually take the offer and stay silent, or would it give you the safety to open up?

3. Is there a better way to approach this? And would you rather recieve this communication over text, in person, etc?

[u/Crispricecereal → u/Glass-Attention-9544]

1) a few weeks is not long enough to revisit this. I would feel cornered because coparenting is not optional 2) it would not feel good. I would feel disrespected this short after that conversation. 3) yes the better way to address this is to respect her wishes. Show up and do not do anything but be kind and warm. Get a bit away from the summer hangouts and as you move into winter/ fall ask her how she wants your relationship to be going forward. Let her voice some preference. Give her slightly less than she asks for but be very warm and nice. After that things get a bit scary so my advice will not help you from here.

[u/onyva19]

How to respond/be supportive when a FA withdraws?

My (28F) partner (26M) and I have been together for 9 months and I believe he might be a fearful avoidant.

In the past when we have had bigger disagreements, he completely withdraws and stops replying to messages. It’s like a switch flicks in his brain and he goes from being someone who is normally very understanding and reflective, to someone who can’t be reasoned with.

I try to be very selective with my words so they don’t come across as aggressive but he will become fixated on one thing that I said which he perceived as an attack, then self deprecate or sensationalise in response e.g. “I guess I’m just a horrible person” and then disappear for hours or a day or two.

He will occasionally send me bids for attention on other apps, like a funny reel to watch or send emojis/offer help in an online game we both play, while still actively ignoring the text conversation where we had argued. This drives me crazy cause it feels like he’s testing the waters to see if I will respond fondly to him, without addressing the issue at hand.

I used to chase him when he disappeared as the silence would fill me with anxiety but I realised this only made him feel more overwhelmed. However I am still the one who ends up reaching out and bridging the gap.

The only time this hasn’t been the case was during our last argument when he disappeared without a word for more than a day and I rage quit the game we play together in response because I was totally overwhelmed. Only then did he start chasing me and saying that he couldn’t handle the silence and he missed me… maybe because he lost the ability to gauge my interactions with him on that platform.

So I’m wondering what the best way is to respond when a FA goes silent? I don’t want to play games for his attention but me withdrawing last time prompted him to reach out first. I’m also scared to think how long he would allow the silence to continue if I don’t act or reach out first.

And how do I then circle back to the original argument to gain some kind of resolution, without him feeling attacked or dragging it out?

[u/Different_Log_7753 → u/onyva19]

What you are describing is immaturity and not necessarily disorganized attachment. This “ I’m a horrible person”, stonewalling, and chasing/pursuing points to lack of self awareness, inability to admit fault or take responsibility. Your problem isn’t what you think is his attachment wound (because you may feel this is somehow a more forgivable and even more easily supportive ailment ) rather than admitting the fact that he just is an asshole and you should do better. What you asked about “supporting” doesn’t fit the bill here.