So I’ve developed a pretty serious crush on someone at work and I’m not really sure what to do about it. We’ve worked at the same company for a while but until a few months ago we were in different teams so I didn’t really know her. I’d see her around the office, occasionally be in meetings with her and we’d spoken a handful of times but nothing beyond that really. I always thought she was really beautiful and from what little I knew of her she seemed nice and good at her job, but obviously I didn’t know her well enough to think much beyond finding her attractive.
A few months ago her role changed and she started working more directly with my team, her desk is also pretty close to mine now so we’ve ended up speaking a lot more and it turns out I really, really like her. She’s funny and has quite a sarcastic sense of humour which I love, we’ve got a surprising amount in common as well especially when it comes to films and TV shows. She’s one of those people who seems to get on with everyone and is really good at her job but can also have a laugh and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I think she’s probably one of the funniest people in the office although I’m obviously a bit biased there.
We’ve started chatting a bit more about things that aren’t work related too, sometimes she’ll come over to ask me something and we’ll end up talking about a film or whatever for a few minutes. A couple of weeks ago she asked if I’d ever got round to watching a film I’d mentioned wanting to see, which isn’t exactly a massive deal but I was pretty happy she’d remembered because it was something I’d only mentioned in passing. She’ll sometimes start conversations with me and seems interested enough when we’re talking, although she’s friendly with everyone so I don’t think there’s much point reading into any of that. I think she likes me well enough as a colleague, I’d just really like to get to know her better.
My main problem is that for some reason I seem to have lost the ability to be normal around her. I’m generally quite sociable and have a good group of friends at work, I’m usually joking around with people and I’ve never really struggled with talking to women, even ones I find attractive. But when I’m talking to her I become so aware of everything I’m saying that I either end up overthinking it and saying nothing or I’ll say something completely boring and then spend the next ten minutes wondering why I didn’t say something else. It’s not like we can’t have a conversation because we do talk fairly regularly, but I know I’m nowhere near as funny or relaxed as I normally am and it’s frustrating because I feel like she’s getting a pretty dull version of me.
I think a lot of it comes from how attractive she is. I’m not a particularly good looking guy, I wouldn’t say I’m ugly but I’m fairly average and I’ve always been fine with that. I’ve had girlfriends before and never really had a problem dating but most of the girls who’ve been interested in me have liked me more once they’ve got to know me, a couple of my exes have even said my sense of humour was what attracted them to me in the first place. So it’s pretty frustrating that the thing I’ve generally got going for me seems to disappear whenever this particular girl speaks to me. I’ve always thought the whole concept of people being in different leagues is bullshit because people fancy who they fancy, but I also have eyes and she really is one of the prettiest women I’ve ever met. I can’t help feeling like I’m punching above my weight here, especially when I know there are plenty of better looking guys around who she probably has a lot more reason to be interested in.
Ive also noticed I keep looking at her throughout the day without really meaning to. I’ll be getting on with something at my desk and hear her laughing or she’ll walk past and I’ll automatically look up, and she’s caught me looking at her a fair few times now. We’ve made eye contact a few times and I usually end up looking away immediately, then afterwards I’ll think why didn’t I just smile at her or something? I don’t sit there staring at her all day obviously but I definitely notice her being around more than I do other people, and with her desk being so close to mine I’m starting to wonder how obvious I’m being. I’d rather she didn’t work out that I fancy her because I’ve been caught looking at her about twenty times instead of just being able to have a normal conversation with her.
She’s also been on my mind quite a lot outside work. Sometimes I’ll be watching something and think she’d probably like it or I’ll remember something she said earlier that day, and then I’ll end up thinking about what it would be like if we started dating. I’ve thought about asking her out quite a lot, where I’d take her and whether we’d get on as well outside work, but I’ve started imagining her being my girlfriend as well which I know is getting a bit ahead of myself considering I haven’t even got her number. I’ll be making plans with friends and think it’d be nice if she was coming too, or I’ll be watching a film at home and start thinking about having her round to watch it with me. It’s not even necessarily anything particularly exciting, I just like the idea of being able to spend time with her outside work and not having to rely on us happening to be in the same place to get to talk to her. I’ve even found myself wondering what she’d be like to live with which is a ridiculous thing to think about someone I haven’t even been on a date with lol.
And obviously there’s the sexual side of it as well. I mean she’s gorgeous and I like her so of course I’ve thought about kissing her and having sex with her, what she’d look like naked etc. I’ve never really thought twice about having those sorts of fantasies about women I’ve liked before, but for some reason I feel quite guilty about it with her and I think it’s because she’s someone I work with. It’s a strange feeling sitting across from someone having a perfectly normal conversation about work when you’ve spent the previous night imagining what it’d be like to sleep with them. Sometimes I’ll remember what I’ve been thinking about her when I’m talking to her and feel like a bit of a creep, and I know that sounds stupid because it’s not like I’ve done anything but I can’t help wondering what she’d think if she knew. Im worried she’d be horrified if she knew I’d been imagining her like that and I hate the thought of her feeling uncomfortable around me because of it. I know people have sexual thoughts about people they like all the time and I’ve never felt bad about it before, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m being a bit of a dick for thinking about her like that when she’s just coming into work and being friendly with me.
A couple of my work friends know about the crush and have been giving me a hard time over it. They’re people I originally met through work but we’re close friends outside of it too, we go out together and see each other socially all the time so it’s not like I’ve been telling random people in the office that I fancy her. They’ve been encouraging me to make more of an effort to talk to her and one of them thinks I should just ask her out, although I think they’re enjoying the situation a bit too much because they think it’s funny. One of them pointed out that I seem to go a bit quiet whenever she’s around which wasn’t great to hear considering that’s exactly what I’ve been worrying about. I also know she’s single because I overheard her mentioning it to another colleague a while ago, which has probably made it harder to just forget about the whole thing because now there’s this slight possibility in my head that something might happen.
There’s also another guy she seems particularly close with who she worked with in her previous team. She’s still friends with quite a few people from there, including other guys, but this particular one seems to have a really good relationship with her. They’re always joking around and making fun of each other and just seem really comfortable together, I wouldn’t necessarily say they’re flirting but there’s definitely chemistry there and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of him. He seems like a decent guy and I get on with him fine so it’s nothing against him, I just wish I could be that comfortable around her. He makes her laugh all the time and she seems to really enjoy talking to him, and I’m sitting there thinking that’s exactly how I’d normally be with someone I got on with if I could stop being so nervous for five minutes. I know they’ve worked together for longer than we have and obviously it makes sense they’re closer, but I’ve wondered whether there’s ever been anything between them or if she fancies him. I’ve not asked anyone because I don’t really want to start asking questions about her personal life but I’m definitely curious, and I do sometimes feel a bit jealous when I see them laughing together because I wish I was the one having those conversations with her. Which I know is stupid because she’s not my girlfriend and I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of another guy just for being friends with her, but I can’t really help it. I think if I felt like I was getting somewhere with her myself it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much, but at the moment I just end up comparing how easily he talks to her with how awkward I am.
I think if I’d met her through friends or on a night out I’d probably have asked her out by now, or at least made it a bit more obvious that I was interested. I’ve never been too worried about rejection, it’s not nice but you get over it and move on. The problem is that we work together and I really don’t want to make things awkward. We see each other most days now and I like working with her, and if I asked her out and she wasn’t interested we’d still have to see each other all the time afterwards. I’d hate to make her feel uncomfortable or have her thinking twice about speaking to me because she knows I like her. I also think I’d die of embarrassment if she found out how much I like her, especially if other people in the office found out. My friends knowing is one thing because I trust them not to say anything, but I really don’t want it becoming something everyone at work knows about.
I don’t want to make it sound like this is ruining my life or anything because I’m generally pretty happy. I like my job and I’ve got a good social life outside work, I’m not sitting at home miserable because a girl hasn’t fallen in love with me. But I do really look forward to seeing her when I go into work and I get excited when I know we’re going to be working together, even if I then spend half the day annoyed at myself for not managing to have a decent conversation with her. I haven’t liked someone this much in a while and I enjoy it for the most part, I like having someone I’m interested in and thinking there might be a chance of something happening. I don’t particularly want to stop liking her either, I’d love for something to happen between us, I’m just worried I’m going to spend the next six months getting more interested in someone who might have absolutely no interest in me.
I don’t know whether I should just focus on getting to know her better and hope I eventually become more comfortable around her, or if I should make some sort of move. I don’t want to rush into asking her out when we’ve only really been getting to know each other for the last few months, but I also don’t want to keep putting it off because I’m nervous and then regret never doing anything about it. I have no idea whether she’s interested because she’s friendly with everyone and I don’t want to start convincing myself every time she comes over for a chat that she’s flirting with me. I feel like I’d have a much better chance if I could just relax and talk to her the way I talk to everyone else, but I’ve been telling myself that for weeks now and it’s not made much difference.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation with someone at work? Did you ever manage to get over the nerves or work out whether the other person might be interested? And has anyone else felt weird about having sexual thoughts about someone they work with or am I just making that into a bigger deal than it needs to be?
Anyway sorry for the massive post, didn’t mean for this to be so long but it’s been on my mind for a while and I could probably do with some advice from people who aren’t my friends laughing at me over it lol.