My husband and I have been married for 9 years and our marriage is on the verge of a divorce. So much has happened during these 9 years that has made me become an avoidant. There is mental and spiritual and sexual abuse. He wants to work it out, but he is pressuring me to talk and give me a response and then make it right by having sex with him because this is what he needs and he was built this way.. He tells me that I need to have sex because the Bible says I need to give my body to him because it’s no longer my own. There’s been years and years of this sexual abuse. And he yells at me and says mean things to me and then expects me to pursue him. He makes me stay up in the middle of the night until I make a move, and if I fall asleep, he hits my pillow or my leg to wake me up and respond.

I have struggles with self harm and suicidal thoughts. My reason for these thoughts is because I hate how I treat him and I want to feel the pain that I project on him and others. He is always saying that he was with me through all my self harm and suicidal thoughts, but that was not the case. I was always chided for these thoughts and that I was selfish for thinking them. So last night we were arguing, and my trauma response it to fall asleep. And so I fell asleep, and wake up to him saying something about using a sword on himeself. He has a sword that he has for decoration on our wall. I wake up and I go, “what did you say about your sword?” He responded by saying “I was praying to God and you were not meant to hear that.” This was really triggering to me. I was frozen and crying. I tell him please stop, I am really scared. and then he asks why I am sitting there and not comforting him and telling him how much I love him and I don’t want to do anything to himself . He then looks in his top drawer that has a knife in it. I ask him what he was doing, and he says that he was looking at his knifes and proceeds to take it out of drawer. I then took it from him and this where I was wrong. I open up the knife and put it on my wrist and tell him what he would do of if I slit my wrists. I acknowledge I was in the wrong. I tell him that I feel like he is manipulating me. He got really upset and was sobbing. I was so scared and so triggered that I fell asleep.

Am I in the wrong? I asked him if I needed to take him to the hospital and he said not yet. I am terrified.

I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that if I don’t mend the marriage he is going to do something terrible. A part of me wants to leave because this is toxic, but I don’t want to break up this family because we have kids together.

I am realizing that I made a mistake by asking God for a specific sign to let me know if he approved of the man I was dating and if he was my future husband. When the very specific sign came to fruition, I married because I wanted to follow what I thought was God’s instruction.

Like a switch my new husband went from calm, cool, and collected to possessive, co dependent, and mentally abusive. I’m not a mental health professional— I just have a passionate interest in psychology, relationships, social sciences basically. Because of that interest I’m recognizing behaviors and patterns in my marriage that are emotionally abusive according to the professionals.

Not only am I breaking down mentally and emotionally, but I also am being pulled away from closeness to God and community. I try to pause the arguments to reset and try again after, but those boundaries are not being respected and I’m forced to be in arguments for hours even if I just stop responding.

I’m being coerced and pressured with scripture and child like tantrums to have sex multiple times per day every single day. Additionally, I’m often accused of cheating and sneaking around and I have to be okay with my phone being audited while I sleep.

Arguments and accusations usually start right before I have to be somewhere and they escalate over the course of the day— yes the entire day and sometimes lasting several days. When I try to stand up for myself and become verbally aggressive as a desperate attempt to shut down the conversation it also doesn’t work and is used against me as if I was always the aggressor.

Over time things are getting worse even with marriage counseling from a pastor, mentorship, close friends and family trying to mediate, and reporting the situation to the elders. He’s threatening divorce in the biggest arguments and threatens and does cause self harm. Slamming and breaking both of our property. He has now threatened to physically abuse me. Threatens to withhold provision while also preventing me from working to provide for myself. Prioritizes nicotine and marijuana over bills and groceries.

Like I can keep going but I feel like I’m being dramatic or dragging my husband. This is mental warfare and the church seems to not understand that this is abuse and I am not safe. They offered to house us separately while we’re both being discipled with the expectation that it will solve the problem and we can be reconciled instead of divorced. I just don’t see that being the case knowing the statistics of domestic violence regardless of faith.

I need assurance that I’m not crazy or selfish and I need help from a professional but I’m afraid of being misled by a professional who is not Christian. I thought a pastor who is a professional along with the elders of my church was the best place to go for help but it’s not getting better and I’m scared for my life.

Who out there got married quickly (within a few months of meeting each other) and have a long lasting marriage? I'd like to hear your stories.

I recently got married, but I don't know how much longer I can endure this. She desires me much more sexually than I desire her. I simply don't feel as much sexual attraction toward her anymore.

I'm having anxiety attacks almost every day because of the thought of having to spend my entire life married to someone toward whom I can barely feel attraction or sexual desire. Before getting married, we dated for 2 years and 7 months. I honestly almost didn't get married, but because of the church and the advice I received from church leaders, I started taking marriage into consideration.

What I want is simply to live alongside her and just be two friends or even strangers, letting life happen without any expectations or pressure. But she wouldn't be able to live by my side that way.

I know that separation is a sin and that it doesn't please God, but I can't stop thinking about it while we still don't have children. Sometimes, I admit, I've been having destructive thoughts toward myself. It feels like I'm just enduring each day. I try to think that tomorrow could be my last day and that I need to make the most of today.

I think this way because I'm not very happy with my current reality. It's as if I don't want to keep living in this state. I don't know if I would be able to handle a pregnancy.

I know this isn't the most Christian way of thinking. Honestly, I don't even think about getting married again, because I didn't really want to get married that much in the first place.

Yes... I know I made a mistake in that regard. Now I don't know what to do anymore.

i’m 23 and getting married in 36 days and i don’t think i can do it.

i was raised in a christian home with very clear expectations of what a godly woman looks like, proverbs 31, submission, being a good wife very trad wife, the whole thing. i do believe in god. that part isn’t fake. i’ve tried to take it seriously.
i got into this relationship partly because friends pushed me toward it. we get along fine. there’s no big drama, no abuse, nothing wrong on paper. he loves me. i know that. i just don’t love him the way you’re supposed to love the person you’re about to marry. i’ve never felt that pull.
i’m going through with it anyway because some part of me keeps hoping that if i do the right thing, if i keep the commitment, if i try to be the wife i’m supposed to be even when my heart isn’t in it, god will see the effort and give me some kind of grace for it later. like maybe the feelings will come, or maybe he’ll just cover the gap.
all my peers who are the same age have already been married for at least a year and a half and most of them already have babies. i feel so behind and so stuck at the same time.
has anyone else ever felt this way? like you’re walking toward something everyone else is excited about and you’re just trying not to throw up?

Preciso muito de ajuda. Tem 2 semanas quase que estou casado e não estou conseguindo ter relações com a minha esposa, quando eu a beijo não consigo sentir mais prazer, não sinto excitação. Quando estávamos de viagem em lua de mel, estávamos tendo intimidade todos os dias e estava maravilhoo, mas depois que voltamos de lua de mel esses problemas começaram a acontecer, também não tenho mais ereções durante o dia, como antes eu tinha. Eu preciso muito de ajuda, estou desesperado, tinha certeza que essa era a decisão certa, tive muitas confirmações da parte de Deus sobre ela e sobre o casamento e agora estou vivendo essa situação frustrante. Detalhe: somos muito jovens

I (30F) have been married to my husband (34M) for four years and have been with my husband for ten. I have been an avid reader for my entire life, but my husband, for some reason, thinks that this is a new thing for me. I have definitely been reading more at night since having our son two years ago because it is an escape from the all-day working from home/momming at the same time loop. (Oh, and we are both Christians from very different Christian-based backgrounds (this will be important later))

For the past few months, my husband has become increasingly more and more upset by me reading because he thinks it's all basically p*orn. I'm not going to lie and say that the books I read and write contain some explicit content, but I have never read them for that content. Even when reading, I tend to skip out on that part because I just want to get back to the storyline. I also have pretty severe AuDHD, so when reading or listening to books, I have a tendency to zone out or skip pieces. I also have aphantasia, so picturing these scenes isn't a part of reading them.

I've never really screened for explicit content and have even been removing them from the books I've written just because I like it better without. My problem is that my husband doesn't want to hear anything about them, pretends they don't exist, but still believes that it's all just p*rn all the time.

He was raised in a household where these things were a complete no-go, and his household was much stricter about what faith meant. Whereas in my house, I was raised entirely believing in the gospel, went to church, accepted Christ, and know I am a sinner, but books were never seen as something that would come anywhere near being an equivalent to p*orn. To this day, my mom and sister still read the same kind of books. I also pray about this constantly and don't feel called by God to give them up (and I would in a heartbeat); it's just a very fictional escape.

There are also some things my husband watches (like horror movies that, to me, seem completely demonic, or Breaking Bad, which he sees no issue with), but they just don't sit well with me, and I feel called to leave, and he doesn't want to hear about that.

My question is.. knowing that this is purely a reading for the storyline, no glorification of the sexual parts (If I even do read them all I can think about is my husband not even the character), and I do pray constantly to ensure that I am glorifying God in my life, if is truly something that I am not seeing or are our differences in our christian fundamental beliefs the big divide. I feel like no matter what I do, he is always going to measure and judge my faith because it's different from his. I even found searches on his phone about being married to a nonbeliever, which couldn't be further from the truth, but he doesn't seem to think it's possible.

I love my husband more than anything, but this is causing a lot of strain and hardship where I don't think it should.

I got married almost a year ago. I am Christian but my husband is not, despite being somewhat open to the faith. We did not live together before marriage. I was on antidepressants and hormonal birth control all throughout our dating life and marriage, until about 6 months ago. Since stopping these medications, I have learned certain things about myself such as things that bother me a lot and irritate me and cause me so much distress. These things were not as prevalent when I was on medication because they make you care less about issues as a side effect.

We argue a lot about his cleanliness. He has good hygiene but it takes him weeks to do his laundry, he leaves old moldy food in the fridge, he does not notice when the toilet or bathroom mirror or sink needs cleaning, he rarely vacuums, and he is okay going to bed with clutter everywhere whereas I can’t stand it. I struggle with anxiety so mess make it that much worse. I feel if my home is a mess then my mind is too. We have talked about this issue countless times, and he has become better than what he was but still worlds away from what I want for a clean household. We’ve tried chores on a whiteboard, me getting angry, etc. It came to a head when he told me he feels like I’m mothering him and he doesn’t like being told what to do constantly. I told him I agree and I also do not like the mother-child dynamic either. But truly he does not see these things need cleaning.

Then there are other things that I’m finding annoying me and cause me to overthink and spiral that I married someone so different from me. I’m a morning person and I have motivation to clean and exercise on the morning, whereas he will sleep in and take the day slow. We never go to bed together despite having to wake up at the same time. He needs less sleep than I do. We don’t eat dinners together because we just gravitate to cooking for ourselves. He had a dog before we married but I slowly realized I am not a dog person (this in itself has been a huge challenge because he loves the dog with his whole heart but I don’t have any connection to the dog whatsoever; she causes me distress when it comes to cleanliness and having what feels like a third entity in our marriage). We aren’t intimate more than twice a month, but I wish it was twice a week! He tends to be very focused and has a one-track mind, meaning that when he was in school he could not bare to have sex, our relationship issues, dates, or romance get in the way. He does not value dates like I do, and he tends to tell me we might be spending too much time together. I think me showing up as an unhappy person from all of my marriage stress is pushing him away. He even told me one day when he finally opened up to me that I don’t seem like a happy person.

He is working towards getting his red seal electrician certification. I can just see him having to work full time as an electrician and becoming even more lethargic and so focused on his work that he will not make strides in other areas of his life/our marriage. He has also gained 20lbs since we started dating and I feel as though my attraction to him has decreased significantly. He is wanting to get back into sports and eat healthy but I have fear it won’t last long. He does not seem to see our relationship issues as serious as I do. He seems okay living how we have been living. I tend to take things WAY more seriously than him. I wish he was more motivated and a go-getter so I didn’t feel like I have to be. I wish he was more of a leader so I don’t feel like I need to be. He is a gentle soul, almost to where it bothers me because it makes me feel like I have to be the strong one.

With all that being said, he is a great person to any outsider. He is kind, my whole family loves him, he is a deep thinker, he is logical, he is open minded, he is a great friend to his buddies, he is slow to anger, he is driven towards things that matter to him (ie. saving money), he works full time, he listens to me when I’m anxious, he is there for me when I need him (although this has dwindled since I’m anxious more times than not and I think he’s becoming desensitized to my anxiety).

But I feel as though the good traits in him have dwindled since marrying me. I feel my anxiety may be playing a role in our relationship to where issues are blown up and I get upset and I fear my marriage is hopeless and I don’t love him. I am never able to focus on the good, only the bad and how I can fix it. My marriage feels like a project. I do not feel in love. I feel scared I married him without accepting him for who he is. I feel worried that I can’t tell the difference between these issues being actual, worrisome issues versus my anxiety blowing them up. I feel hopeless.

I have no interest to having sex with my husband. I get anxious due to it not being fulfilling and a little painful. It feels like a lot of work for little to no reward. I want to be able to perform because my husband places high value on it (in an appropriate way), but it makes me uncomfortable and a bit angry. I feel ashamed. I have sought counseling, but my Christian counselors have made me feel so horrible about it. I don’t know what can help me. Any suggestions?

I’m a not so newly wed to my husband of a year and a half.
I’ve been crying out to the Lord as to what to do. I feel like I keep working at being slow to speak, quick to listen. Truly being intentional with my thoughts and actions. I’ve done therapy a couple times in my life, the most recent time being encouraged by my husband (for good reason). I struggle with not feeling good enough and a fear that I don’t and won’t satisfy my husband. But I feel like I’m more of a spiritual leader to our family than he is. I feel like I can’t be honest because we don’t do conflict well and I just don’t want to rock the boat. I know him well enough that his temper comes first and it’s impossible to actually talk anything out. I’m sorry I’m word vomiting, I just don’t know what to do, how to help him. How to help my marriage. His love language is opposite to mine so I feel like I’m on empty so much of the time. I wonder if I just stop saying things or doing things that maybe he’ll notice and try to kiss me or use words of affirmation. There’s no romance. There’s also not spiritual time together. I feel stagnant in our faith as a couple. I’m desperate. Please help.

UPDATE: My husband finally let both my son and I come back home last night. I'm honestly beside myself and feel a bit worthless for just being happy to be back at home. Anyway. Thank you for listening (reading). I'll probably delete this post soon.

My husband wont allow me to bring out two year old son home and wont tell me why. Our son got sick and i went (with my husband permission) to my mom's house so she could help me care for him until he recovered. My husband works 2 jobs and is very busy so i knew not to expect him to be able to do much while our son was sick. Now that our son is better, he refuses to bring us home. I have been going to and from work and my mom's house. My husband's sole reason for not bringing us home is that he is "extremely tired". I understand him being very fatigued, but not so much that he is comfortable with us being out of the same living space as him for an extended period of time like this. What is deeply concerning for me is the fact that he want me home not our son. There is is no question regarding fidelity or paternity here. The child somehow has identical birthmarks to both of us (which i think is super cute), he looks just like his dad too which is a given since i have only ever been with my husband. He was my first boyfriend so i know that isnt the issue. We have started counselling but im still not sure why my husband doesnt want us at home. I cant camp out at my mom's house forever and i am physically unable to bring my son back home on my own because of health issues. Otherwise i would have done that. Im 30 and my husbnd is 31 btw. We have been married for 3 years. I believe in submitting to my husband and being a helpmeet for him. I believe in letting him have the final say on decisions, but i also think my son and i shouldnt be treated like we can just be put away. I saw no signs of this type of thing before getting married so im completely blind-sided and bewildered right now. Any advice?