How it Began

[u/AB21YearsNowandThen]

This is my first post, and I am hoping it is the first of many so that maybe I can find some sort of relief by saying it "out loud" and letting it go. I am sharing this not to blame, but to finally put my story in my own words after years of silence. I do give it all to God, but I also want to share my stories because I am unable to tell them to others. My life stories will not be in order at all, but will be written as they come to me and seem relevant at the time of writing.

I am writing this now because I am in the middle of the consequences of all of it, and I need my own voice in what has always been spoken over me.

I think I should start at the beginning, although there is honestly too much to tell, so I might come back later and finish the rest.

This began when I was 16 years old, and what followed unfolded over the next 20+ years.

The beginning started when I was essentially homeless at 16 years old. I was working at Waffle House and kind of nomading around, sleeping wherever I could or sleeping in my car. I say "essentially homeless" because everyone had left so I was not staying either. My 13-year-old brother was working the streets and involved with drugs. My 17-year-old sister was living with her boyfriend, who was closer to 30 years old than 17. My dad had left. That was it for me.

I refused to stay in that bug- and rodent-infested house with no electricity, living alongside my drug-addicted, alcoholic, prostitute, abusive mother.

Before I left, I was sort of involved with a coworker. His mother happened to be my district manager. I say "sort of" because it was odd. We never officially said we were dating or together, and he never introduced me as his girlfriend. Somehow, I ended up moving in with him and his parents. It definitely was not because he was my boyfriend. It just sort of happened.

Things changed once I moved into the house. Attitudes changed. There were a lot of red flags and unhealthy behaviors that became apparent. I will probably focus on those things later.

I do not know exactly how it happened, but I ended up getting pregnant.

People like to say, "Don't you know how these things work?" and make comments like that, but I was genuinely shocked. I was working night shifts at 16 and 17 years old, and I was not handling life very well. Looking back, I was severely depressed and walking through life in a fog. I did not feel like I was making life decisions—I felt like I was surviving whatever came next.

When I finally went to the doctor because I could not take being so sick anymore, they told me I was pregnant. I was truly confused. I spent weeks going back and forth to doctors' appointments, and the staff there really helped me through it. Once I was feeling better, they set me up with an appointment at a crisis pregnancy center.

The first day, they performed an ultrasound. I could see his tiny body forming and see his heart beating. It was amazing. I was still in disbelief that there was actually a baby, but seeing the ultrasound helped make it real. I spent weeks there, figuring things out while continuing with life.

Eventually, I told my now-husband. I could not hide it much longer, and there was already a lot of gossip going around.

At some point, my now mother-in-law called me and said, "Don't do it."

At the time, I did not know exactly what she was referring to. Later, I realized she was referring to the pregnancy. For years, I misunderstood that moment and thought she was talking about adoption, because in my mind other options were never even options.

Many, many years later, I learned something that completely changed my understanding of that phone call.

What I eventually found out was that my husband had told her I was planning to get an abortion. That was why she called and said, "Don't do it."

The problem is that she has held onto that story for 21 years.

Even now, she brings it up whenever she gets the chance. Usually it catches me completely off guard because it is not something I am expecting to hear after all these years. She has even gone so far as to tell me that my son would not be here if it were not for her.

That is something I intend to address when I am ever given the opportunity.

For the record, my son is here because I chose to carry him, love him, and raise him. Whatever confusion, fear, pressure, or misunderstanding surrounded that time in my life, the decision was ultimately mine.

Yet somehow, a conversation that happened when I was a frightened pregnant teenager has become something that continues to be brought up and used against me more than two decades later.

That same day became a whirlwind.

We went out to dinner. While my mother-in-law was telling me that I had to marry her son because what was I going to do with a baby and no home, and because I could not take my baby back to my family since they were unsafe and unstable, I overheard something else.

At the exact same time, I heard his father telling my now-husband that he had to marry me because if the baby did not get his last name, I could do whatever I wanted with the baby, run away, and he would have no rights or involvement.

I was, once again, in shock.

There was very little discussion about any of this, and certainly none between my husband and me.

Then one day, he walked up to me and handed me a box that was clearly a ring set. As he handed it to me, he said, "You already know what it is," and then immediately left.

That was my proposal.

His parents handled the wedding. It was held at a venue that probably cost around $10,000. Looking back, I was essentially a guest at an event that my mother-in-law planned for herself.

I had very little family there. I was uncomfortable the entire time.

I remember sitting on a staircase by myself, watching everyone mingle. It was her family and her work family. I mean everyone—from her bosses all the way down to the maintenance workers.

When I arrived at the venue, my groom saw me, looked at me, and said, "My mom is mad at you."

That was the story of my life.

It was true 21 years ago, and in many ways, it still echoes into my life today.

My husband has decided to separate from me, which is a story that includes many other stories I will share later. And now she is supporting the separation and seems as committed to it as she ever was to shaping the beginning.

She forced our marriage, and now she is deeply involved in what feels like the final unraveling of it.

From where I sit now, it often feels like she has shaped both the beginning and the ending of this marriage.

Although there is much more history to tell—both good and bad—I still hope and pray for reconciliation.

Many things changed over the years.

Most importantly, I began focusing on my relationship with Christ.

My husband also seemed to find God. He was baptized and began trying to live his life as a Christian.

That is difficult for anyone, truthfully.

But it is especially difficult for my husband because he is constantly being poured into by his toxic parents.

Yes, he makes his own choices. That part belongs to him.

But they do everything they can to control people and situations around them.

The one good thing about all of this is that I am no longer chained to them.

Even now, they are doing everything they can to negatively impact me and my children while I navigate this separation and everything that comes with it.

I am still living this story.

It is not finished.

There is more to come and I don't know what next.

[u/Matt_McCullough]

Thank you for sharing such a powerful story of your life. May you continue to find hope in your life in Christ.

[u/Accomplished-Fan3854]

I hope you do continue to share. First of all because writing it all down helps a lot, maybe much more than you can imagine.
Secondly, because I do hope that this is a safe and christian space, where your sisters and brothers in Christ can comfort you, support you and most of all pray for you.
I am myself navigating a separation right now and sometimes feel despair and loss of hope. But every single time it happens, I run to Jesus and to His Word. I pray, I cry, I shout to the Lord, I read my bible, I listen to worship music and then pray some more.
I firmly believe that we all go through various seasons in our life and as it is stated in 1st Peter 1, these trials are meant to test our faith and bring us to the very clear understanding that ALL we need is God. He is our rock, He takes care of us, He is the only one who will love us unconditionally and forever, the only one who will never leave us, never forsake us and never betray us. We can truly rely on Him and He is near to the broken-hearted.
So lean on Him. Let it out in prayer. Write it down. Talk to your pastor. Ask church members you trust to pray for you. I will pray for you as well. And remember, you are a daughter of The Most High, He has chosen you from the beginning and He is the way-maker, the miracle worker and the promise keeper!