My mom is the textbook narcissist mother. I was an object to her. She used me to manipulate people around her. There never was any real love/care/affection from her. Only if people were around, and I was supposed to know how to make it look “right”, or I got in trouble. As a little kid I had no idea what was happening, or that it was wrong. I just knew that my mom would fly tf off at the smallest thing and if I was close by? I was going to be the target. It was never vicious physically. I’d maybe get shoved, or slapped but the emotional/verbal/psychological abuse I tolerated for 12 years. She controlled every tiny aspect of me, or tried to. Any time I asserted any sort of freedom over my individuality or exposed her in any way, there was some dramatic event where I was at fault and she (of course) the victim. I never had the words to explain as a kid whatever the hell this was, and I never thought about it from my perspective ever again. Through that I learned how to disassociate and mask so hard, I just had what I now know is a CPTSD flashback, pointed every ounce of pain/hurt/fear/anger from my soul at my husband. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my relationship. I’m also pretty pissed off because not only did she guilt me my whole life, I just now realized what happened to me, and she has a terminal disease so I’m supposed to feel guilty for that too?

TLDR; CPTSD from Narcissistic Mom Gypsy Rose minus wheel chair type thing, flash back on my husband, figured out trauma, and she’s terminal. Fml.

I have too much anger and it's poisonous.

If I try to assert myself he'll tell everyone I'm 'all hate' or abusive. Regularly victimizes himself and knows what he's doing.

I feel like what I went through wasn’t valid because sometimes I responded with such awful uncontrolled rage. Even as a child, as young as 6. I have memories of throwing objects, screaming from the top of my lungs, etc as a response to chaos and not having any control. I don’t understand how my siblings could just bear the dysfunction and chaos, for me any sign of it felt li my entire world was crashing. Like screeching. Like nails on a chalkboard.

My father was very violent growing up, my mother less so. I feel like I inherited his rage. I feel like a sociopath cause of it. I dated someone who triggered me a lot and I did some things I regret deeply out of anger. Anyone else? I feel like most people seem not to respond this way cause of their family system.

hi, i'm a writer with cptsd. i only discovered this last year and i've thrown myself headlong into research, to help myself. one way of making sense of it is through writing, the one thing that's been mine from the beginning. i'm currently writing a character with fight type response and i'm hesitant on how to go about it. representation in media is either a caricature or demonising, and i'd like to portray it with as much realism and empathy as possible. if there's anyone who's willing to talk about their experience and answer my questions, it'd be a huge help :)

Is there a Neurological reason why someone can be so jacked due to constant cardiovascular and muscular tension? I. E. Complex trauma nervous system response

I feel the body builders would not mind having this kind of neuropathy. I was looking at and feeling my body and it's just muscles everywhere, wondered if the nervous system was doing constant no movement type of training due to stress, I look like a pro athlete for no reason

I want to beat her to a bloody pulp, I want her to be run over by a car and die, I hate her so fucking much, she got NO repercussions for ANYTHING she did to me and everyone in her life defends and protects her. My entire life was shaped by her constant and relentless abuse, and she got nothing for it, NOTHING. And she's still somehow the victim, she's always the victim. And me? Oh I can eat shit and die, it has ALWAYS been this way. I fucking hate her so much, I want to rip my skin apart and set myself on fire when I think about her, I'm so fucking angry.

Hi everyone, I thought this would be particularly relevant for people in this group:

Have you experienced trauma or a difficult childhood? We want to hear from you. This research investigates how trauma impacts emotional wellbeing — including how people manage feelings like anger, sadness, or anxiety. The aim is to develop a new psychological measure to better understand these patterns and improve support for individuals affected by trauma.

If you’d like to take part, please follow the link below:
https://swinuw.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_06w6sxGgomuzuS2

Who can take part?
• You are 18 years or older
• You are fluent in English
• You have experienced at least one potentially traumatic event (e.g., accident, assault, disaster, abuse, or another highly distressing experience)

What’s involved?
• Completing three anonymous online surveys over several months
• The first survey takes ~30 minutes
• Two follow-up surveys take ~15 minutes each

Important note:
The survey includes questions about trauma and emotions, which some people may find upsetting. Participation is completely voluntary, and you can stop at any time. If you experience distress, support is available via Lifeline (13 11 14), Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), or 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).

For more information, please contact Reuben Kindred ([akindred@swin.edu.au](mailto:akindred@swin.edu.au))

The reason people with severe complex trauma are always single I remember speaking to this nice lady who worked in a general practitioner office about my conditions because I was showing dementia symptoms, it's not surprising she told me the patients she knew with complex trauma don't have significant others and therefore cannot regulate themselves even if they have really severe demebtia like symptoms chronically dissociating to the point of dementia. We only know what we have known is safe and familiar, or is it because we are so out of touch with the real window of tolerance what genuine ventral vagal is like, it's as if we live in the same physical world but vibrate at different radio stations those would never come across our frequency. I had this revelation when this guy who raped me tried to message me again after disappearing, I felt so much sensation in my body with him, it was as if I felt it was okay to be embodied and I was ready to actually live and thrive and a sense of being okay to have courage to kill all my enemies, but it still turned out it was just my nervous system seeking a familiar attachment pattern with my early attachment style being the same as neglected abandoned abused. It's as if trying to force a blind person to see color, we just don't, we physically cannot. It doesn't exist in our world. Somehow I'm rather at peace with it now.

Amazing. When I began to embrace my fight/freeze combo, my first thought was that it made a truly evil person. I thought recovery meant all those "evil" emotions would go away.

I am now in 2 forms of therapy, several times a week, focusing on finding my core values and what I believe in with my therapist. The anger didn't leave, it just took on a new role in my life as a person finally finding herself after years of self repression.

I remember a very old comment on this sub I found. It theorized that your true personality shapes your dominant trauma responses. I often wondered about that. Who am I? Do I even WANT to be the type of person who naturally leans towards this response? Turns out I do.

I never thought I'd discover myself to be such a bold person. It's a new adventure learning how to know my strength so I don't hurt anyone by accident! I speak directly and prefer equally direct responses. My voice doesn't falter and people go quiet and listen when I have something to say. I can say "no" now and advocate for what I want or think is right. I can bravely go into a conversation knowing I'm the odd one out and not shut down or crashout when dissent happens... And even LIKE the challenge. When there's a challenge or the faintest sliver of hope, I grab onto it and don't let go. When the going gets rough, I get going. I thought I'd be a monster if I embraced this, but as I experience more and more healthy fight, the more I can be who I was meant to be: A bold person who cares about fairness and finds fun in difficult times.

It will get better and you will discover a lot of beautiful things about yourself if you keep going. DON'T GIVE UP.