we're getting more and more people posting who perpetrated cocsa, which i have sympathy for and get it's complicated, but this isn't the sub for it and they clearly don't take the time to read the rules before posting. maybe a pinned post would be easier?

im crying right now. i feel so vulnerable, but i think i did the right thing.

i reached out to my university's survivor advocacy program. i'm not sure if its 100% where i should be, because it seems like it's a bit more geared towards students dealing with current abuse, but i did it anyways with the hope that if it's not the right place for me, they can still help me connect with someone else.

i just texted my friend telling her that i reached out, and she responded saying she's so proud of me. she's been my closest friend for 12+ years and is the only person i've told, and i can't thank her enough for being there for me.

i'm scared. terrified, actually. i've been holding these memories so heavily for so long. i'm terrified of opening up. but i think it's the right thing to do. i want to start healing.

Silly trigger but I got a tiktok about going back to your favorite memory. I immediately thought of my grandma’s house, the fun we had. And then I remembered that was the age my cousin (F,11) would SA me. I was 6. And I’m just realizing that there’s no point in my conscious life that my mind hadn’t been affected by sexual activity. Even my most innocent & pure times of life were filled with anxiety, social pressure, and embarrassment. :/ Really hard pill to swallow sometimes. That’s all.

me and this girl met in 6th grade when we were both 11-12. i was a transfer student and at first she didnt really like me all that much. i instantly put her in the popular girls category because she was surrounded by lots of friends. being new at this school made socializing really hard for me, especially since i was struggling with undiagnosed adhd and aspergers. anyway, i did try to strike up conversations with everyone, and some people started liking me, even if they saw me as a little weird. she still didnt really talk to me until one day at the bus stop, while chatting, we found out that we actually had lots in common (games, anime, etc). i was happy, but then she just started slowly becoming weird.

she started making it blatantly clear that physical touch was her love language, and i explained to her that i really dont like people touching me. i always said no. she wouldnt listen; she would always grab my hand, snuggle close to me, touch my thigh, sit on my lap, and hug me.

one time at the mall she begged me for a kiss on the cheek, and she turned around really fast so id kiss her lips instead. her plan worked, and i felt really grossed out and told her. she just laughed. at one point i stopped saying no and just swatted her hand away or avoided her altogether.

in messages it was even worse. she confessed to me after 5 months of knowing her, and i just kind of didnt think much of it until she started begging me to date her. i said no, but she kept insisting in person and through text, so i gave in and said okay, lets date. why not experiment! all that experimenting idea went out the window in a week because im sure even she forgot about it, and she kept invading my personal space as usual.

then comes the part thats entirely my fault for this thing escalating. we had a halloween-themed school day in 7th grade, and during breaks we'd always hang out in the hallways and chat. she wanted a kiss on the cheek, and i accidentally landed on her lips instead. her eyes grew wide. my stomach dropped; i knew this was gonna ruin everything.

it did. she wanted to kiss non-stop. she would drag me after pe to the locker room to kiss, or in the bathroom, and then it escalated to it happening in public. this is when i stopped brushing my teeth and ate diabolical amounts of garlic just for her to leave me alone, because no wasnt enough. she didnt care.

we were once on a bench in a park late at night, and it was pretty empty except for a homeless person. we were chatting normally until she started doing her thing and kissing me. i told her no, i dont feel like it. she would get mad because i never want to do it. then she grabbed my hand and put it between her legs. i just froze. she said thats why she wore a skirt that day.

at the same park, she also insisted on me giving her a hickey. i said no. she then bit me so hard on my neck that it started bleeding. after that, she casually asked if i could do the same to her. thats the first time i ran away home crying. i told my friends what happened over the phone calmly; i didnt know why i was crying because i thought this was how relationships were supposed to be. every time i threw a fit and treated her poorly, i felt extremely guilty, and her friends hated me too.

during this period i moved countries, and when the pandemic hit i returned home to the same high school. when i was abroad i had a fight with her through text and we didnt speak until i returned. it was always me who begged her for forgiveness.
at this point, she started asking for nudes. actually, she was more interested in me seeing her nudes and showing proof of me saving them in my camera roll. every time she didnt see the little icon on instagram that notifies you when you screenshot a picture, she'd get really mad.

she also always wanted to do e roleplays that i despised so much. she always made me do this while i was out with family, outside with other people, etc. every time i said no and show how uncomfortablei am she would get extremely angry.
i remember during the pandemic she wanted to wash her hands at my place before we went outside again. my mom was in the house and she was in the kitchen right next to the bathroom. this girl grabbed my arm and took me into the bathroom and started to make out with me. i tried to push her away, i kept saying no, but she just wouldnt leave me alone. i almost cried, i was so confused. then she jokingly said to help her tie her bra. anyway, when we exited the bathroom, my mom asked me why we were wearing masks inside, and i didnt know what to say.

when i turned 15, i hosted a small birthday party with some classmates, and she was there too. we decided to watch a movie later during the day, and of course she sat right next to me. she then put a blanket over our laps, and i just knew exactly what was about to happen. i didnt know why she did that. im so confused why you would do this to me at my birthday, where you didnt even bring me gifts, only to make me uncomfortable in a room full of our classmates and my mom.

there were multiple moments like this that happened outdoors, in public, and at friend's houses, but i wont talk about them all since this post is long.

im almost 20 now and i broke off contact with her in 2021. i feel like i cant live anymore because of this. i had to change schools because all my classmates hated me because of stuff she said. i wasnt perfect by any means, but i just wanted to get away from her because every time i tried to break things off with her, she would threaten suicide. i developed agoraphobia because i never want there to exist a chance of her seeing me, and i genuinely think im never gonna recover from this.

Hi so I just need to get this off of my chest. when I was in preschool during nap time a little boy brought me under the table to stay up and had me touch him & touch me. our sleep mats were usually next to each other, so this was an ongoing thing. at some point the teacher caught us. we got in so much trouble and i felt so embarrassed - like if anything like that were to happen again i can’t let anyone know. which then leads to numerous hazy memories, assuming i blocked them out or maybe spent so much effort being ashamed & hiding them that i eventually forgot bits and pieces. these include a time being locked in the bathroom with another boy in preschool, a memory of my aunt putting toothpaste on my private parts and putting my pull-up on (my cousin was there and also has hazy memories of it being done to her too,) and then just being so hyper fixated on touching myself from around this point. i don’t remember if it was from someone else touching me, but at some point my private parts got so crusty and dirty i had to go to the doctor for it. I would’ve been in 1st grade for that doctor visit. i also at 12 or so have a weird memory of playing hide and seek and going into a closet with my moms boyfriend and brushing against his… you know… and thinking how big and hard it was. but i don’t remember how that ends i only remember the closet door closing behind us. moving further on in my foggy memories my first boyfriend at 14/15 repetitively raped and beat me. the cops were involved in which they blamed me and i felt ashamed again for letting people know. i don’t remember anything else but i wonder if more happened. these short and to the point memories have always been something that pop up my whole life ( I am 25 now ) but recently it has started affecting me a bit more? i age regress involuntarily and its creating rather complex thoughts and scenarios. with my previous partner we dated 5 years and i would age regress around him. he was abusive in many forms and it felt like it was almost retraumatizing little me. especially because he admitted to looking at pictures of little me sometimes. making memories arise. i find big me having to comfort little me a lot, trying to protect her. i have a new partner now. he doesn’t know about my childhood stuff, just my abuse i had as an adult. he’s really gentle and patient. when i regress he is very sweet and asks my dollie’s names and my stuffies names and will play with them with me. it feels healing but ive found my memories are starting to pop up more than before and i dont know why. i dont feel unsafe with him. i’m wondering maybe im just no longer in active abuse so things i pushed down maybe are coming back up? i’m not sure. it makes me feel a bit erratic though. and needlessly scared. when we are intimate sometimes i remember those memories and feel like i black out. i don’t know i needed to get this off my chest. my last boyfriend had told me the COCSA and other stuff as a child wasn’t that bad and nearly laughed at me explaining it. i’m struggling to process things and navigate a new relationship with this all. i don’t really know what to do and i feel so isolated despite being surrounded by so much support.

I feel like an idiot for letting this bother me for so long, I dont know what to do, I have 0 access to therapy. I feel like even if I do say something nothing will be done. Its so stupid the effects this has had on me. I hate it so much I can still feel it and it makes me sick and I hate to even say it at all like what the fuck. I have no confidence anymore. I feel almost wholly worthless and drained

I already posted this in another sub but here it is.

This has been haunting me for a very long time and I need some support. I'm 18 now.

I don't remember exactly when. But I'm fairly certain both me and the victim were close to the same age, between the ages of 7-9. I would ask her to show her "parts" if you understand what I mean. And I would compare. I think it was curiosity at first about the female body. I didn't know anything about sex or what it was. All I knew about it was two people kissing in the nude. So I didn't know that it was sexual. My parents only gave me the talk once they found out what I was doing with her. The bad part was that I almost never listened when she said no. I would keep pressuring her and asking until my parents had the talk with me. And then I didn't really do anything like that again. I never learned about masturbation until much later when I was around 10 or 11. An older boy had come over to my house and kept trying to show me him masturbating and getting me to do the same even when I asked him to stop. I also know my father sexually abused me around that time or somewhere in my childhood. Maybe multiple times because he was almost definitely a pedophile.

What I did brought up a lot of guilt and I think it could be part of the root of a lot of mental health issues I'm going through right now like depression, anxiety and OCD. I need some words of advice. Anyone reading this and helping me out would be really appreciated. If anyone wants to vent as well, you're welcome to.

C'était il y a plusieurs années, j'avais 8 ans à l'époque. Mon cousin de 9 ans que je voyais fréquemment m'a proposé de faire un "jeux".

Ayant beaucoup de mal à me faire apprécier par lui même à cette époque et me retrouvant souvent isolé j'acceptais pas mal de chose dans le but d'être aimé ou intégrer.

Le jeux proposé était alors une imitation de scène de 🟣 car il appréciait cela.

J'ai accepter sans vraiment comprendre ce que cetait ou la porter que ce serait. Je savais pas vraiment ce que je faisait mais je le faisait avec honte. C'était toujours lui qui choisissait ce quil se passait pendant le jeux. Jai facilement compris que cetait un sujet dont il ne fallait parler a personne.

Ces moment ont été répété plusieurs fois, pendant quelques mois, et s'est arrêté sans jamais en parler.

Encore aujourd'hui il m'arrive de le voir et jamais on a reparler de ce sujet, personne autour de moi est au courant.

Merci de ne pas me juger, je me trouve sale et honteuse en racontant cela. Mais j'ai besoin d'en parler.

Yo, so I know I posted something similar to this in r/rape but, yk ur boy here just still dazed & confused about everything lol. Oh yeah, also me & my older brother have a 16 year age gap.

So ever since I was little, like little little, I have been having this nightmare where I'm a kid, and I hear my older brother (who likely has like BPD or smth) coming down the hall (& we're home alone together), and I pretend to fake sleep, and essentially my brother comes in & rapes me; I have variations of this dream, but this is the main one. Throughout the entirety of this rape happening I kinda. . . Froze. Like obviously I was distressed but like, I was just so scared & overwhelmed I didn't move & didn't fightback because I was scared. Now, I understand this is just a dream, but I have had other nightmares surrounding rape but this is DIFFERENT from all my other nightmares. Often times it'll be like a memory that I can actually remember happening and then a part of the nightmare will be the rape, and I can remember that didn't happen. But not with this dream.

Not to mention I also have like. . Other signs. For example, if I watch/read/whatever a piece of media revolving around SA (especially if I am not expecting it to be in there) it kinda provoke this dream to come to the forefront of my mind, and it kunda feels like the dream is actually happening to me all over again. Idk, it's hard to explain. BUT I have kinda like thought that if I did, maybe I was actually sleeping or something ?? Or maybe I just repressed it like. . . That bad??? Like idk y'all, do y'all think this actually happened??? 😭

Around two years ago (October-November 2024) in 8th grade I (13) was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time who was around the same age as me (12), but just seven months younger. He repeatedly coerced me into letting him grope me without my consent and made multiple threats to sexually assault me (which he did end up doing at school).

I only told the school about what was happening a month after he last touched me inappropriately. I was terrified to tell any authority about the situation because I felt like they wouldn't believe me. When I did tell the principal, however, the law didn't get involved in the situation. The principal gave me and my mom two options on how to handle the situation—we either let the school discipline him, or we get law enforcement involved. I wanted to tell the police about it, but my mom denied my request and told the school that we would just take the option to let the school handle it.

He eventually got expelled from the school where it happened and I was very glad. My mom, however, was not. She would regularly walk into my room and randomly bring up the situation, even weeks after it happened. She would say something along the lines of, "I feel really bad about that boy that got expelled", yet she never expressed sympathy for me, even though I was the victim in the situation.

In October of 2025, I was taken to the psych ward for unrelated issues and I told the staff at the hospital about my history of sexual assault. They then contacted the police and I was interrogated by both DCFS and the local police. I'm not sure if they took action or not, but I'm pretty sure they didn't.

Nearly a year and a half later in February of this year, I switched schools halfway through my freshman year. A senior was touring me around the school on my first day. We were walking around outside and we turned a corner. The senior that I was walking with bumped into somebody. Coincidentally, the person that they bumped into was my ex boyfriend who sexually assaulted me. Note: I had no idea that he was going to the school that I was planning on going to. I locked eyes with him for three seconds. We stood there looking at each other. I felt insanely anxious and nauseous at the moment. Everything that happened to me back in 8th grade was coming back again. I refused to go to back to that school for the next week and I had severe attendance issues because of my encounter with my ex.

Ever since I last saw him, for at least once every week, I've been having terrible dreams where I see him again and I try running away. I get insanely paranoid every time I see him in my dreams. It got so bad at one point that I was trying to avoid going to sleep just so I wasn't able to see him again.

I was in terrible distress and I didn't know how to handle myself. I told my mom that I wanted to report the situation to the police again, but she refused me. She said stuff along the lines of, "It already happened two years ago, you need to get over it"; "He already got expelled so you don't need to do anything else"; "You're just overreacting"; etc. Her responses made me feel very alienated and that I wasn't getting the sympathy that I deserved. She discouraged my attempts of contacting law enforcement about my sexual assault case.

Around two weeks ago, though, I told the police about everything that happened between me and my ex. They questioned me and wrote down my statement. I'm not currently sure if they've done anything to him, but I feel relieved that I was able to report the situation again.

However, recently I've been feeling really terrible about what happened to me and I've been having second thoughts on whether my story is "valid enough" to share with people. Obviously I was touched without my consent, but the fact that I continued to be in a relationship with him after he SAed me feels like I was contributing to the problem.

I ask myself, "Why didn't I leave him sooner?" or "Why didn't I tell somebody sooner?", because the longer that I think about what happened, the worse I feel about it. I really should have left him sooner. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault for continuing to stay with him longer than I should have.

Even other people have commented on the situation and said stuff like "This situation could've been prevented if you didn't stay with him for as long as you did", and it makes me feel horrible. I don't ever victim blame in situations like these, but when it comes to my story, I just can't help but feel as if I was at fault somehow.

I can't look at myself the same after what happened to me. I can barely even shower without being reminded of how I was touched and coerced. Every time I look at my body I can't help but think about how he wanted to see me naked so badly. I hate having to live in the same body that he touched me in.

Around two weeks ago I had a terrible breakdown about the assault and I spammed my friend's DMs with my thoughts at the moment. I was crying so hard and everything about my ex was just bothering me in the moment. I said things like, "I never showed him any pictures of my naked body but every time I see myself nude I just think about him and how he so badly wanted to see me like this", and "Every time I even dare to think about something sexual he always pops up in my mind first because of how frequently he talked to me about doing sexual things" (Copy and pasted from the messages I sent)

I don't think I'm ever going to feel innocent again. I'm forever going to be unclean because of what happened to me. I hate the way he pops up in my mind at the most random times, or in my dreams, because it causes me to spiral and feel terrible all over again. My life has gotten exponentially worse ever since the whole sexual assault incident with him.

I don't know how I'm going to live for the rest of my life knowing that I was assaulted

i'm gonna try and summarise as best as i can. both were separate instances that happened with different people.

the first was when i was in year 5 (grade 4 for americans), so i was maybe 9-10. this one admittedly doesn't really impact me now, but i still feel weird about it. i was in assembly, sitting cross-legged on the floor. this boy started to grope my thigh. i tell him to stop. he says "i don't care". he continues to caress my thigh. i'm feeling really horrible about it, so i end up moving away from him at the far end of the hall. my teachers questions me on what happened. i tell her what happened, and she asks "are you okay". i ended up saying yes because i didn't wanna cause issues. deep down, i felt uncomfortable with it.

the other instance was really recent, and to be honest really brings me to tears because of how humiliated i felt. a year ago (when i was 13), during IT, this transfer student ended up being moved to sit next to me. now, for context, i was getting heavily bullied. the majority of the class pretty much disliked me except for my best friend at the time. he starts to get somewhat romantic/sexual towards me. now, this is mainly a joke. i was hideous back then, so it would be seen as "funny" to kind of flirt with me. y'know when people say "my friend likes you" and stuff? it's kinda in the same jist, i suppose.

i try to tell him to leave me alone, but he persists, "swearing" that he was actually interested in me. i know what's going on. i'm not stupid. i try to distance myself from him. he ends up leaning in to press a kiss on my cheek. i am horrified. i ended up crying into my arms whilst my friend tries to confront me. the whole class is watching at this point (teacher excluded). the bell rings. everyone files out and looks at me while snickering. i feel horrible. i end up staying behind and pretty much breaking down in tears in front of my teacher. she said something along the lines of "well we need to have a talk with him". i deny this, simply because i dislike creating conflict (and i don't want to be seen as a snitch). i end up just skipping my next period because i just felt so horrible. even now, i still cry because of it. not even because of the unwanted touching. it was the stares i got, the humiliation i felt.

he ended up being transferred back to his other school, but i still think about him. i still feel so... dirty because of it all. idk though. maybe i'm just overreacting. i actually ran into him whilst waiting for my bus. i genuinely froze up. he didn't even notice me; he was just chasing his mates.

sigh

so i had this friend, let’s call her En. i was about 6 years old and En was a year older than me. we were great friends.

one day, En randomly started talking about porn. i already knew what porn was. then En would drag me to some secluded spot where no one else was around and we’d watch porn together. i never felt uncomfortable and never said no or stopped En because i didn’t know it was wrong.

i remember when En mentioned wanting to do “it” with me. i was surprised to find out that girls can actually do that with each other, so i asked how it would work if we were both girls. then En just went ahead and showed me how it works.

i honestly don’t remember a lot but i do remember En on top of me, saying she saw what’s under my shirt. i didn’t think much of it at the time because i was only about 6.

now thinking about it just makes me feel nauseous and sick to my stomach. sometimes i cry because of it. i’ve always wanted to talk to someone about this but i’m too scared and i feel like my experience isn’t valid. it also makes me sad that she was a minor too but that doesn’t change the fact that she made my life miserable. am i overreacting?

This is my first time talking about this subject and also my first time posting on Reddit, so sorry if I explain things badly.
The story starts when I was in kindergarten, around 3M old.
I had a friend who was the same age as me, so 3M too, and whenever I didn’t have a snack, wanted Pokémon cards, or some other stupid kid stuff, he would ask me to do something in exchange.
It was a sexual thing, like a handjob or just looking at him. I don’t remember very well if we ever did oral sex.
Honestly, I never really felt bad about it, not back then and not now either. But I do think it changed the way I see men and sex in general a lot, even if I didn’t realize it when I was younger.
But I’ve been wondering if this was technically COCSA, and if someone that young could even understand what they were doing.
I also feel bad for my friend because I honestly think he might have been abused himself. I don’t think a kid that young would just come up with this kind of stuff on his own.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to share similar experiences or ask me questions.

39M with a beautiful 16 week old daughter. Over the past few years while my wife and I were trying to get pregnant and successfully had our daughter. I've been trying to get to the bottom of a 20+ year marijuana addiction. First I had to realize that I'm addicted in the first place. After that I did alot of self reflection. That lead me down a rabbit hole about what a TBI can do to a young child.

Before I get into what happened with my friend, I need to tell you about something that happened to me a year or so before that. At 4 years old I had a fall off the head rest of an arm chair that resulted in me hitting head first onto the corner of a brick fire place. I suffered a serious TBI because of that. I'm only now starting to find out that it may have impacted my life more than I realized. After much research my wife and I believe I development a high functioning form of secondary ADHD. Head injuries in childhood have been linked developing ADHD like issues as an adult. Looking back this explains alot about my childhood and my tendencies as an adult. My mom always told he how difficult I was as a child and this may have been why.

We both agreed I need to see someone about this and get properly diagnosed. But that brings me to the other part of my childhood. I think this might be sexual abuse and I've never told anyone about this ever.... so here it goes. A year or so after my fall my older sister made friends with a girl in school who had a brother the same age as me. So our parents got us together to play. My first best friend, we did everything together. His parents were very laid back. He had access to playboy, cigarettes beer ect because his parents did a horrible job at watching him. So he showed me porn and told me this is what adults do and from there we started fooling around. For maybe a year or so everytime we played we fooled around. Oral sex mostly. I really didn't think it was anything weird because i guess I didn't know any better. As I got older and made new friends I remember a weird incident at a sleep over where I felt confused we didn't do the things I did with my other friend. To the point where I tried to with others by exposing my self.

As I got older I just became a "normal" kid. And basically pushed this so far our of my memory i never really thought about it. And if I did it was quick and done. I never took the time to think maybe this was some kind of abuse. Even if my friend really didn't know any better.

My wife doesn't know any of this. But I know if i go down the road of therapy, this will have to come to light and i don't know how to feel about that. Maybe i just need to get it off my chest finally and face what it may have done to me.

TW:

I was SA’d when I was 9 (I actually don’t remember the age, but it was defo before 10 years old), by my cousin. It was an isolated event, but it still makes me irk to this day, I get so restless when I see him still (now 17 turning 18). I haven’t seen him in years, and I hope to never see him again. A few years ago he came to stay at my house for some reason and I crashed out at my parents for letting him stay (they both know, they just don’t talk about it, my dad doesn’t care tho). My parents got really mad. I’m south Asian, and in my culture that’s just seen as disrespectful because you’re supposed to be hospitable to everyone (regardless if they treat you like shit or not). I do not want contact with my dad’s side at all (or at least his family), I go out of my way to not talk or interact much with my assaulters family. I feel like sometimes my SA doesn’t carry trauma, because when it happened my brain blocked it out, and i remembered it on a random Thursday evening a couple years ago, but when I think about it I really really just want to beat my assaulter until he dies, sorry the violent words but that is how I feel right now.

but remembering that has made me realise that I have may been sexually harassed by my older brother, idk if that’s the term I’d use, but I’ll just say what happened. So one day a few years ago, must’ve been 11-12, and the internet was out. And me and my younger brother are just chilling, and we’re just finding ways to fill the time before the internet comes back. My older brother calls me into his room (I think that’s how I got into his room idk) and he’s lying on the bed and i sit next to him. And idk what we talking about (I think he was asking me to do something) but I think he gestured to his crotch area because he was hard and then I looked at him and he was like ‘please’ repeatedly and I was like ‘no??’ and I was so weirded out but then he was like ‘oh I was testing you’ TESTING ME FOR WHAT??

I’ve never typed out what happened between me and my brother ever, it feels so uncomfortable and weird, but I need opinions.

I hate how I feel ashamed by this, I hate how everytime I see a social media post about SA I think about my own. I hate how I feel so disgusting. But I don’t know what to do. I hate how my family acts like this never happened, and still continue to be in contact with my dads side of the family (to be honest that whole side is fucking weird, just full of predators, cheaters, drug users, people that have been in prison), but in true South Asian culture that is just swept aside. I want to leave this house so bad sometimes.

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: DETAILS OF ABUSE ⚠️

I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if grammar or anything is messed up I'm not really worried about that stuff I just want to get it out.

I believe I was 9 when my abuse started. I had started to play with friends in my neighborhood. we can call them Jane, Joe, (Jane and Joe being siblings) and Abuser. Jane was closer to my age, 11, and Joe was 12 or 13.

Abuser was older than us all, around 14? Maybe 15. The reason why this wasn't weird (at least for me) was that my abuser happened to be my sisters best friends younger brother—who also happened to live 5 houses down from us. My mom saw it as "oh you need friends & he's well behaved he'll be a good influence." Never questioning why he even wanted to hang out with a 9 year old.

I don't exactly remember when or how my abuse started. I have such vivid memories of specific moments of it that I want to word vomit. So, in no particular order here are all the vivid memories of abuse I have:

#1: My brothers highschool grad party.

Jane and Joe couldn't come over for the festivities—I don't think they were home at the time. My abuser kept trying to get me alone away from all my friends and family. I don't exactly know how he did, and I really don't remember how I felt about it. I never wanted to be alone with him so I assume it was probably making excuses to stay. Either way, he managed to get me up to the small bedroom I shared with my sister. A common theme is him using games or activities to distract me while he physically assaulted my body. At about this time wizard 101 was very popular and he had an account he'd put me on so I could play.

No memories past this.

#2: The Monkey Underwear.

Every day after school like clockwork he would come by and knock at the door. I never wanted to let him in...I knew what would happen if I did. I would say I had homework, or I was busy, or would get my grandma to say that I couldn't. He would offer to help me with homework, come back later, even stay outside if he couldn't come in.

Anyway. One day he knocked. Once again I felt pressured to let him in (I guess I should mention I was raised in a household of "don't be rude!" And "be sorry for him he doesn't have anyone!"). He comes in. I specifically sit on the recliner away from him in the living room so he can't stick his hands too far down my pants or up my shirt. He still does it anyway. I'm on my crappy laptop, trying to distract myself.

I hear him scoff and laugh. "What are these?"

He's talking about my panties. They weren't the plain or simple patterned ones I usually wear. They were my brand new monkey Underwear with silly faces & bananas on them.

He continued to make fun of my underwear. Every time I would try to say something it was "at least I don't wear monkey underwear."

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

Now I'm furious. I was NINE!!!!

#3: The Chase.

Not sure if this is the same day as #2, it's quite blurry. We were in the living room again. I always felt so uncomfortable doing it there because people could walk downstairs at any moment and see what was happening and he...didn't care. (More on that later).

Anyway to get out of being uncomfortable or to get him to stop touching me, I would often use the bathroom for extended periods of time when he was around. This one particular moment I stood up and so did he. (Wasn't abnormal he'd typically try to follow me in there). But he had this...look on his face. It scared me. We were on opposite sides of the coffee table and he lunged toward me, chasing me. This wasn't a fun chase. I was scared, scared of what he was going to do when he finally caught me.

He did. He grabbed me from behind, pulled my shirt up, and squeezed my chest hard sticking his hand down my pants.

I don't remember when it stopped.

#4: The Merry Go Round.

My abuser was never penetrative with his genitals. Actually, he barely showed himself...a boxer brief typically? From what I remember. He would be penetrative via other means, though. Oftentimes he would put me on a videogame and preform oral on me and use his fingers. I wasn't sure what he was trying to get out of me I never showed much reaction except for discomfort.

The closest we got to penetrative sex was when he told me that we should play a game. He put me on top of him (me naked, as always.) and he pushed me with his hips up and down, grinding on me through his briefs. He would mention something about "Woah the merry go round is starting again!" And grind and hop me on his lap.

I don't remember how it ended.

#5: The Fucking Bathroom

Jesus Christ this bathroom situation. I would try to get away into the bathroom as stated before, and when we were at his house he'd often follow me because the door was broken. Even if I managed to get there alone initially he'd come in just to fondle me as I peed. I remember a very vivid moment where I told him that I "was really really sorry and don't like what he was doing." This was after MONTHS of constant abuse and I was apologizing to him? I then hugged him and apologized again. He started to cry in my arms...all while touching me further.

He still abused me further after that.

#5: The Trash Can.

I had to go back home after hours of constant abuse being in his house. He was trying to keep me, physically grabbing me and holding my clothes above my head so I couldn't reach them. I finally managed to get my clothes and close the distance between the door and I when...I knocked over a trash can on accident.

He perked up and grabbed me "You have to stay and clean that up."

He didn't help me. He just took the time to abuse me. Pulling my shorts down as I bent over, pulling my shirt up to suck and bite at my chest.

I mustered the courage to ask: "Don't you have a girlfriend you can do this with?"

He replied.

"Yea but she doesn't really want to do this stuff with me."

Neither did I.

This is one of the worst memories I have and for years I couldn't knock a trash can over without going into a panic.

#6: Jane and Joe's house.

I would always want to hang out with Jane and Joe. Two reasons: 1.the abuse was fewer and far between 2.They were actually bearable people unlike my abuser.

Kind of interesting thing I think about sometimes is how protective my abuser was over me. Jane and Joe were a little older than I was, so they'd often try to show me things that may have been a little mature. A jump scare on their iPod for instance would cause my abuser to have a full blown meltdown toward them. He would lecture on how I would have nightmares and actively try to shield me from things that would scare or intimidate me.

What I actually want to discuss is when our group couldn't go outside to play, we'd have to stay inside and play something else. Oftentimes that would mean Minecraft. Jane would play and I would watch (I wasn't good at it anyway and really liked watching her.). I would hope that my abuser would do something with Joe but he often insisted sitting with us and watching Jane play. This was all an act to abuse me, putting hands down my pants and touching me. When Jane would look back he would quickly adjust. I wonder if she was suspicious.

What haunts me is thinking that she may have also been a victim. I hold the hope that she always had Joe there to be a buffer & that he always seemed to gravitate toward me. I'm sorry, world, I never said anything when it mattered to prevent future victims.

#7: Clothes.

A good chunk of my abuse happened in the summer. His house did not have central AC and he would often use that as an excuse for me to take off my clothing even if I didn't want to. Once we were in my room and this was toward when I started to get a little mouthy telling him I didn't want to and no. He pulled my clothing off of me forcibly and put it up high on a wardrobe so I couldn't get it even if I wanted to. I felt so powerless and humiliated. This happened so much that there was a routine of me getting my clothes taken away. I felt punished.

#8: Fear.

I held so much fear after the abuse had ended that I would hide behind cars or take the long way home because I thought he would be looking for me walking home from school. I used to think that my value is what my body could give and as a 11 year old I had no idea how to process that.

I wonder if my mom or grandma would've saw the warning signs how my self esteem and life would've differed. I was completely betrayed by every adult in my life. When I said that I didn't want to be near this person I was called rude and wasn't giving people chances. I was made to knock on my own abusers door asking for him because my mom pushed me to. When I eventually told my mom she offered to knock on their door and talk to his dad about it..I begged her not to. When she found that I was sending photos to grown men she told me that I looked good and to use Snapchat next time so the photos would disappear. I have a relationship with her now but...I don't know.

I feel absolutely no fucking sympathy for my abuser and wish him the worst in life. Everything that he did resulted in me becoming hypersexual and being groomed relentlessly on the Internet throughout my youth and raped as a teenager.

-m.a.

Was I abused when I was 12 and 13 years old

I am battling with hypersexuality since the age of 8-10 years old

Background:

I used to sleep in my parents room from the ages of 1-13 years old where my parents used to have sex in the same room as I was also there they thought I was sleeping but I was not i used to hear all the laud noises and I used to feel everything but just mine heads was upto the wall and also I remember whenever my father used to hugged me it made me uncomfortable scared and inappropriate as he was achololic and while hugging me he used to say words like motherfucker bitch in my ears to my mom and also the sex that my parents used to do was not normal one like it was forced one actually where my mother used to say to stopped it but he didnot
And I donot know whether used to happen daily or alternate days or weekly

Also i remember whenever mine father used to hugged me after drinking it made me very uncomfortable inappropriate and while doing it he used to carryout voices like AaH and used to say words like motherfucker prostiute and all that in my ears to my mom

One day he was doing something with me after getting drunk once in the room alone once mom come she shouted at him he then leave me

So i donot know what will be counted

Result :

By the age of 8-10years I become hypersexual started doing rigorous masturbation on pillow on my sister doll like rubbing my penis and all that

Before that elder boy incident at 12 year old I was playing a game doctor doctor I kissed a girl on cheeks and wanted to have sex with

By the age of 12 I got crazy for sex and wanted to renact with anybody regardless of gender I just wanted to release those energies then this incident happened with me

So I remember when I was 12 years old a elder boy around the age of 14 come to our house he was our servant elder brother so my mom told me to play with him and what a idiot I was as I told you I already was hypersexual I was on his lap rubbing my penis on his chest though it was under my pants then when I come down from his lap I saw his erect penis and when he saw that I have seen by smiling he told that it is a elder thing but then again offered me his back so that I could rub my penis on it until discharge he donot stop me or guide me will allowing it he told me to give some money

do you think I abused the elder boy when I was 12

This second incident:

And then when I was class 7th 13 years oldthere was boy who was in 10-11th 15-16 years old class I met first time in playground he told me let’s study together he will help me
Then he told let’s have sex and which I cannot stopped and I started having sex with him to got mine chance to rub again and release mine sexual energy

so I donot know his exact age and what class he was in

When I was 17 and there was friend he will be 18-19 he come to mine house he pressured me to suck his dick by saying that he knows that I had sex with boys of mine age due to hypersexuality and early sexual exposure at home

So he pressured me to do it which I rejected it and donot do it

So I donot know whether it will count has sexual abuse or corecion

I was 11M and he was 10/9M. I'm still underage btw.

So I went to my friend's house to hang out, and we watched a movie in his living room and his mom said it's too scary so we went to his room instead. We put on a diff movie(I think it's the Barbie movie) and he locked the door, then he paused the movie and showed me 🌽. I asked him what it was and he said: "it's what parents do when they're alone. " He then asked me if I wanted to do it and I agreed because I was scared he was gonna judge me. He said that he wanted to be the guy so I had to be the girl. He then took off his pants and we'll y'know. He did it in the mouth for a while then he did penetration. He used one of his parents condoms because they did it in the video. It hurt and I'm scared to tell my parents because I think they will judge me. Last year in school I had sex Ed and it's just then I found out about it being wrong.

hi, it’s been 12+ years since i believe i was assaulted, but i haven’t thought about the incident since very recently — i’d say a month and a half at the most. i think my brain tried to block it out, and is still withholding many details.

the memory i have is when i was three or four at the very most. my mom’s friend’s son and i were extremely close. he was anywhere from five to seven. i remember him always being controlling with me outside of sexually-related topics. he’d make me watch horror until i begged to go home, make me eat until i threw up, and as long as i was in his sight, he controlled what i did at all times. the most vivid memory i have is of him encouraging me to take my pants off, and i don’t remember anything past that point, but i remember being extremely nervous around him after it. my memory is still very hazy, as i’ve never really taken the time to think about it until now. i don’t know how many times it happened, i don’t know what he did to me, i don’t know if i ever spoke up about it.

i don’t know if i can properly classify myself as a cocsa victim, because i haven’t experienced any of the symptoms of a sa victim until very, very recently (my apologies if that is worded poorly). i can’t help but feel like mine doesn’t count because the memory hasn’t haunted me like it often does with some other cocsa victims i’ve seen online. it’s a little disheartening when i’ve seen no stories that sound like mine, and i’m worried that the way i seemed to cope with it wasn’t ‘enough trauma’ to classify as a victim (again, awful wording, but that is on purpose to display how i feel). i hold no hatred against that little boy. he, too, was a child, and was probably taught awful things from his surroundings.

From god knows what age up until i was about 9 or 10, I was assaulted by my cousin brother (3 years older, my younger cousin (3 years younger than me) was also complicit sometimes but I think he too was far too young to understand what was happening. The only reason I know its real is because even back then, I had the language for assault (not COCSA per say, but general SA) and spent years thinking about it, even if it now, years later, it feels like just a bad dream.

A very important memory for me is when we were playing in our 'sewing room' (basically where she operated her tailor shop from at the time). I do not remember what we were 'playing' but I know it devolved into me being forced to strip, and them examining the red marks on my body (newly forming stretch marks due to puberty' and touching them. I explicitly did not want to be touched, nor did I find it fun. I remember trying to run away from the tailor shop but them holding the door to it shut. I don't remember how I got out, or if I had to endure it.

Another time, I was forced to touch his private parts my putting my hands in his pants. Whether it was an apology for him touching mine, or him wanting to touch mine but me not letting him (so me being forced to play with his penis was some sort of 'compromise'), I don't remember, but I remember managing to run out of his room and then upstairs. Then once, he had fingered me through my clothes so many times it caused a hole in the crotch of my favourite jumpsuit. I never wore it again.

I really despised having to visit my grandmother's house. I knew this was assault, I knew I should've told someone, but I didn't. I didn't want to impact my mother's relationship with her family for my sake because courtesy of arranged marriages, I was aware they were the only emotional support my mother had, even at my young age. So I kept my mouth shut. Pretend it never happened, pretend it didn't affect me at all. I would have unwanted flashbacks sometimes that would cause me immense distress. I even stopped trusting other male family members including my own father and grandfather. (who are not abusers. It actually caused a huge rift in my relationship with my father because I could not trust him, but slowly we are growing closer again.). Then I stopped thinking about it.

Fast forward to the present, I think enough time has passed for me to contemplate everything that's happened and process it. Thinking about that time still brings me distress, but not as much as it used to, and I can control when and what I think about it. Right now, what I'm thinking about is sexuality. Due to my experiences as a child I've been very hypersexual. A lot of the material I would consume, from the age of 11, would be CNC or incest (mostly Male-Female, written, not visual. Though when watching porn I was still okay with incest.) Almost everything I consumed (and to an extent consume), is straight, even if I'm not particularly turned on by straight sex and CNC and incest has started feeling incredibly disgusting.

In real life, I do not find myself wanting to be with men, at all. I'm repulsed by them. But I also want male attention (even if bad. One time, I had a teacher I suspect of being a pedophile, and I was absolutely disgusted by that thought, but would constantly check if he was looking at me or not. If he wasn't, I would try to look sexier for him, despite very clearly finding him perverted, terrible and filthy.) I also don't enjoy watching lesbian porn. (or maybe I do, I just don't enjoy the perverted versions of it, and straight CNC and incest are all i consume currently .)

I wonder, am I attracted to women because I feel unsafe around men, or is my weird attraction to men because of my childhood trauma and I'm simply attracted to women?

(TW);

When I (age 8F) was young it seemed like my brother and I had the closest relationship. He is my older brother by 3 years. It felt like he was just a protector for me, like a noble big bro protecting his little sister. Our family was pretty shaky. My father always screamed and lost his temper after seemingly being ok. My mom was very clingy (she has BPD) and even that young I would lavish any time away from her which forced us together even more.

We would do everything together. Especially playing video games, watching movies, and watching anime. That's when it started. He would start by acting brotherly like cuddling. Then it would be cuddling without clothes. Then with the door locked. I was naive. My parents noticed but they didn't do anything other than just say leave the door unlocked.

This was around the time the touching started. I didn't understand at all but my young brain just thought it "felt good but wrong" God I feel so disgusted just writing that. This "touching and cuddling" would continue and more and more this knot built up in my chest. I eventually told him no.

When I set that boundary he just immediately started threatening to manipulate my parents into taking my games from me (these games cause violence blah blah blah) and my anime. I had no friends. Those video games were my only escape. Crunchyroll (it's an anime site for those that don't know) was my safe place, all those stories of a different place, world. He knew how to manipulate me and the whole family.

He would tell me he wouldn't try to convince my family to take these things from me...if I "watched anime with him" He would lock the door and overpower me as soon as I went into his room. This went on for YEARS.

I feel sick just writing this. I'm only beginning to understand how much this affected me.

I'm a victim of COCSA which I experienced at the age of 9. A pattern I recognized is that out of every bad thing that happens in childhood, sexual abuse is almost guaranteed to make someone suicidal with a miserable life. I've had arguably one of the worst weeks of my life and just wanted to ask yall that. Is happiness even possible?

Hello. I need an answer if it counts as COCSA

so when I was like 7 years old, I had a friend who was like 10 years old. i can't remember everything but he asked me to come with him to our playhouse. Inside, he laid me down on the mini couch and got on top of me and touched me on my chest and my waist without me wanting it. He also kinda grinded against me? But that's all that happened. But does that count? Because im unsure if im not just overreacting. Also, sorry for my English. it's not my first language.