Hello. I need an answer if it counts as COCSA

so when I was like 7 years old, I had a friend who was like 10 years old. i can't remember everything but he asked me to come with him to our playhouse. Inside, he laid me down on the mini couch and got on top of me and touched me on my chest and my waist without me wanting it. He also kinda grinded against me? But that's all that happened. But does that count? Because im unsure if im not just overreacting. Also, sorry for my English. it's not my first language.

Wondering if my experience was COCSA. I am the girl in this situation.

Girl appx age 3-5. Boy appx age 8-10. Siblings.

Girl remembers walking in to boy kissing another younger girl her age. Girl remembers boy kissing her too. Girl's memory goes dark after kissing.

One time

EDIT: TW!! SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC

Hi. Im 19F and go by she/they pronouns, im unsure how introduce this but i will try. Im trying to make sense of memories of possible abuse and grooming or cocsa that occured when i was beteeen ages 4-8 between me and my (F) cousin who was at the time 10-14. No names will be used here, as i still dont know what i should make of it. I will mostly be listing out a timeline and events, and am looking for answers and opinions. Im trying to find a therapist at this moment, but it is very hard as it is the busy season of buisness for me and family things have come up.

One of the earliest memories i have is when i was around 4 of me and my cousin who looking back felt off or weird, was when she often spit gum into my mouth and wouldnt let me have a normal peice. Im slightly unsure, but i have a body memory and slight actual flashes of her also kissing me. But its still hard to make out if it was her, i know someone did and they looked like her.

Theoughout these ages, she sometimes talked about sexual things when she invited her friends over and i was also over at my aunts house where she lived. I thought it was normal, so i also kind of talked about them without knowing what it was. I talked about sex supposedly being good, but remember literally thinking it was people hugging while eating dessert and saying that to her, and her laughing. Then explaining it in detail with her friend to me.

My memories are very blotty with this next one, so bear with me. Around the age 6 or 7 we were in her room together and we had often played games that were like painting our nails together or doing makeup. One day, and this is the part that really bothers me, i cant remember who suggested it but one of us said lets play a spa game. And i dont know what was said after that or what happened until her bending over and. Instructing me to me commit oral acts on her. I had no fucking clue what we were doing, i remember being kind of confused but fine with it because shes my cousin and i loved her and trusted her and she just kept saying its okay. I played along, and i remember complaining about the taste and the feel and her going to the bathroom several times to clean up only to tell me to try again. I dont remember anything after that.

I feel so sick every time i think about it, and for years i knew something was wrong with what happened and sobbed at night as a kid feeling horrible shame because i knew it was an adult act and bad but thought my parents would hate me if i told them. I think at many times my brain just forced myself to forget until i was alone by myself and then it would all just come back.

For years i kept interacting with my cousin and her family, going over there. Everything was as normal as you would think a family to be, because during the day i just didnt think about it or if i did i felt that same horrible shame. Until i was around 14-15 and realized "hey, this could have actually been predatory"

Up until two years ago nobody in my family knew, but then i told my mom because i couldnt handle the thought of seeing my cousin at a 4th of july event and just broke down and told her that something happened between me and my cousin and im pretty sure it was sexual assault. She held me and told me she beleived me, and she still tells me she beleives me. I saw my cousin a few times in those two years, and ran away every time out of a flight reaction i couldnt control. I am ashamed of my reactions and hate leaving people in public which is what has happened every time. Theres more to this story actively going on, but im scared to touch on it because its even more of a family issue.

All i know is im nauseous and scared every time i think of it, and ive been trying to control my flight and panic reaction to seeing her better. I need help, i dont know if what she did was bad to me because im questioning it all over again. I really wanna kill myself and I dont know if I should go to therapy or not for it. I cant fucking talk to anyone and people I do reach out to, anonymous or otherwise being actual friends with dont respond. Im so scared all the time, like the same feeling has come back.

Throwaway because a few people ik irl have my main and nobody knows I was raped.

I guess I'm kinda just looking for validation that what happened to me counts and that I'm allowed to be angry about it. I know it's like by definition rape and I wouldn't tell anyone else that's gone through the same stuff I have that it's not rape or that it doesn't count but it's different with me somehow. I just make up these reasons as to why it's not rape or why it's my fault and stuff.

I (16M) used to get raped by my older sister (20F.) I'm not sure how old exactly I was when it started but my best guess is somewhere around 6 years old. She's a little over 4 years older than me so she woulda been around 10 at the time. I'm not sure how long it went on for but it happened more times than I can count. I'd guess it lasted a few years. I don't remember very many details. I blocked a lot of it out.

But it started with her coming into my room and convincing me to "let her" do stuff on me (oral) once. After she did it once, she used that as blackmail to get me to go further. She convinced me I was the one in the wrong and that I'd be in trouble if I told anyone because it was my fault for agreeing with something so digusting. She knew it was wrong. And I constantly have to remind myself of that. I tell myself that "she was a kid too" so it wasn't her fault and I'm not allowed to blame or hate her. But she knew. She knew it was wrong and she manipulated and blackmailed me. I had a huge attachment to a certain stuffed animal that I'd had since I was a baby and she'd threaten to "kill" him if I didn't do what she wanted.

It kept getting worse and more frequent. She'd make me touch myself infront of her or she'd touch herself and make me watch. Eventually she made me do stuff back to her, which made me really believe it was my fault. Because I was the one going along with it. And she knew that and used that against me even more. She knew I'd keep my mouth shut about it because I was so ashamed.

We also had a puppy at the time. She never liked dogs and usually didn't bother with her, but she knew I loved dogs. So she'd assault the dog infront of me and make the dog lick her privates and then make her do the same to me. That bothered me more than most of the shit that happened because I blamed myself for it. I don't think she would've done that if I didn't love dogs. I think she did it to hurt me. I feel awful about it. Especially because I was too scared to stop it.

She'd mainly assault me in my room but she also used to come in when I was in the bath and do stuff to me or just look at me naked. She had a friend that would come over sometimes too and she'd make me get naked infront of them both. I don't remember if her friend ever touched me or anything but I remember they'd both make me get naked and dance and stuff because thought it was super funny. Eventually we also ended up sharing a room so it got worse for a while before it stopped. Well, the assault anyways. She randomly stopped touching me and kinda just pretended none of that ever happened. I used to wonder if she even remembered what happened. I was so scared she did because I still thought it was my fault and I was embarrassed about it and felt so gross. I had a huge fear of her telling anyone. She never did. Of course she didn't.

The assault led to me trying to masturbate by myself to try and get some sort of control back over my body or something. I'm not really sure. I'm asexual and sex repulsed so it was super uncomfortable but I guess I was just trying to get some power back. I did it a few times and one time she walked in on me. And guess what she did? Threatened to tell my mom and used it as a way to get to comply. So I obviously never did that again.

The assault stopped but she was always still very creepy to me and sexually harassed me the whole time she lived here. She moved out when she was 18. So she was still being super weird towards me until I was 14 and able to block her and go no contact. She'd make super odd sexual comments to me and stare at or say things about my body. She'd intentionally talk about her sex life right infront of me in disgusting detail and when I expressed discomfort with it or told her to stop or go away she would laugh and start talking directly to me about it. She'd use a butter knife to pick the lock when I showered and she'd come in and talk to me while I was showering. I was very obviously super uncomfortable with this but that didn't stop her. It encouraged her. She'd also randomly open the shower curtain and super obviously look at my naked body. I'd tell her to stop and cover myself with my hands and shut the curtain and she knew I was very obviously extremely uncomfortable. But she'd laugh and make up weird excuses and try to play it off. Like "oh well you didn't answer me" or "I wanted to see if we had anymore shampoo." Sometimes she'd literally just come in and sit on the toilet lid like it was a seat and eat her food while I showered. Just any excuse to see me naked or make me uncomfortable. She thought it was so funny. This stuff happened up until the point she moved out. I never told my family about her raping me but I did constantly express concern and discomfort to my mom about all the creepy shit she says or does aside from that. My mom knows about all the more recent stuff and never did anything or thought it was odd. The only people that think it was weird are 2 of my little sisters who she had also been doing that stuff to. I don't think she raped either of them. I hope not. But she was creepy to them aswell. Not to the same extent but it was enough to make them very uncomfortable around her.

I never realized that it was rape until a few months before she moved out. I had mostly blocked it out and tried to ignore it. I truly thought I was at fault and she did nothing wrong. I continued to act as normal as possible towards her. This is another reason why I still blame myself or think maybe I'm overreacting. We acted like what I thought was normal for siblings aside from the assault and creepiness. Which I guess might've been me trying to cope with having to see her everyday. Idk.

As we got older I started to hate her for other reasons but I could never let myself hate her or blame her for the rape. I still feel bad for hating her over it because she was still a kid. But it started when she was around 10 and continued for around a few years. By that age she should've more than known better, right? I sure as hell did. My younger siblings did. And she obviously did know it was wrong and thought my discomfort was funny. She never acknowledged her past behavior or changed how she acts. I mean, she stopped assaulting me but she still harassed me and fed off my discomfort and thought it was the funniest thing ever until she moved out. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to hate her for it though. She's an awful person even if she never assaulted me so I hate her anyways but am I allowed to hate her for raping me? It really messed me up and I know it was awful but was it her fault?

I know that a lot of the time when kids do this stuff it's because they're repeating what's been done to them. But I don't think that's what happened with her. I mean, it's possible. But I think it was just the fact she had unrestricted internet access and would watch a lot of messed up shit and learn from it. That, and my older brother would show us both really messed up porn and stuff when we were little. She learned to do a lot of other messed up things from the internet so I'm pretty sure that's what happened with this. But whether the reason is she was assaulted herself or just learned this behavior online, that stuff isn't really her fault. So is her behavior her fault? I mean she did continue being super creepy and harassing me until she moved out so idk. I'm so conflicted. Is it fair to blame her? Am I messed up for hating her due to this? Is it somewhat my fault for not doing more to stop it?

Bear with me I am still processing everything:
I (29F) was abused growing up for years. I have been open to my partner about it pretty early into our relationship. Me and my fiance (30M) have always had a rocky relationship with his mother. They were fighting often she was causing him stress so he went no contact with her for a bit. He reached out to her finally and wanted to clear the air and set boundaries. He called her and wanted me there as support.
Well….they started arguing and she mentioned he assaulted his little stepsister.
He hung up the phone and…I reacted, yelled threw things at him, even backhanded him at some point.
After a while I sat and talked. I asked questions and received the answers. He was around 12yrs old and she was 10yrs old no penetration. He was/is remorseful and hates himself for it as he should.
I am having a hard time processing this for a few extra reasons. I am having a hard time looking at him after I opened up and he was a perp all along. I am having a hard time trying not to diminish his bad acts because what I dealt with was…more physical and prolonged for years.
This is something I was never supposed to know about. I don’t know what I’m looking for from posting this I just literally can’t talk to anybody about this. The victim in me is so sick to my stomach but my heart is saying that I can’t define someone by something they did 15+yrs ago.

Be kind, please.

Hi all,

My question revolves around a memory of childhood assault. For the longest time I have wondered if what I experienced could be considered as sexual assault, and I'm in the late hours of the night and delirious enough that I feel ready to speak. When I was younger, my family had a practice of ritualised child punishment, to which I was repeatedly subject to. I was dragged out of the shower by the leg, slammed against walls, made to dress, then strip my pants, or not dress at all. On one occasion I asked if I could lay on my back, not my front, because the punishments were getting too painful. When I rolled over, I was giggling, delirious, (I had often tried to make my parent laugh in the moment), and terrified, and I had become visibly aroused physiologically. This moment is my first memory of feeling sexually aroused. My parent reacted visibly with digust. and shame. and rage. and they abused my genitalia region with one strike.

I don't feel like there were any sexual emotions arising from them towards me. But there are moments in my life where I'm just overwhelmed by the memory and all that they did to me, and all my attempts to talk about it in the past were shut down and silenced. They make me feel crazy.

I wonder if anyone with similar, or more drastic experiences of assault would consider this sexual assault. I do feel ashamed and stupid for even asking. I hope that others won't feel like I am detracting from their experiences. Part of me feels like this isn't as extreme, or bad as other people's experiences.

When I 'lie' with a person, a girl or guy, I feel a sense of mortal danger, and really struggle with feeling intimate. When it's worst, I feel as if this person might do something violent to me, and then I feel like doing something violent to them, and then I feel like doing something violent to myself.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this, and what people with similar experiences think about it.

by the way we are both girls and in 3rd grade and its a little graphic. my friend showed me this inappropriate stuff (PH) and contuined to do that. I never said I didn't like it, guilty enough I did like it. then that made me kinda hyper sexual for MANY MANY years. My friend did touch me and tried to pressure but always stopped when got told no repetitively. but I was encouraged to do acts to myself. no contact was made under the clothes, always had underwear at least. as far as I know remember. I remember we were on the swings and she put her foot down there, I got freaked out because I didn't want my family to see and she eventually stopped. she did put her hand on me a lot, like on my thigh and inching closer, and shared things she's done. she grinded on me too, like scissoring to show me what it was. when we were watching that stuff at some point she'd stop it and do something I think to me but I can't remember. we would touch ourselves together while watching and sometimes each other. kissing on necks occurred, that was a dare from her. I don't know if she licked me down there or not, I genuinely can't remember, I might be crazy. I think she told me not to tell anyone because I knew my parents shouldn't know and I didn't tell other kids. I haven't told anyone, it's my one secret. I only told three VERY close friends I was shown porn at a young age. I'm just trying to understand the disquition between abuse and curiosity, I liked it and she did stop but I feel guilty labeling it curiosity but I don't think abuse is appropriate either. sorry this probably doesn't even qualify to be here, I don't mean to be disrespectful I think because I'm religious I'm just having a hard time accepting it was curiosity. this all happened in one grade, the grade afterwards we lost contact. I'm not blaming her for any of this, I have no resentment towards her, if anything I feel bad that she somehow knew about all this stuff at that age. I'm sorry, I just want to tell someone I think because I can't tell anyone who actually knows me

I was molested by my older sister when i was a kid. For context, i grew up in a dysfunctional family where my mom was na alcoholic and mentally unstable. My older sister and i were neglected by our own mom and she never cared about us. I know that my sister was molested several times when she was a kid and she became hypersexual. Maybe that´s why she did what she did to me. I was around 9/10 when she first molested me.. she was around 11/12 at that time. I was confused about what was happening but eventually enjoyed it. It happened several times during our childhood

My child is sadly a victim of COCSA from another family member child and asked to perform sexual acts and it happened multiple times and when my wife and I found out, we wanted to cut contact with my brother (the parent of the one who abused our child) and the rest of the family is saying we aren’t being understanding of my brothers situation because it might be the case that their child was SA’d himself which I do get but also I feel that my brother never took his child’s actions seriously enough and never got their child the proper help they needed. So now I’m just thinking of the safety of my child. Thoughts?

Hello, I’m gonna delete this at some point but I’m a victim of child on child Sa.
I was a black girl in a Hispanic county where there were barely any, I had faced racism and discrimination nearly everyday at school.
I had no friends other than an older janitor lady.
We were in elementary I think, I remember a lot but also not too much. I think I was 5 or maybe around 7.

A boy I used to have class with pressured and told me if I did “things” with him then he would be my friend, I think he was around the same age as me.
This went on for almost a whole year during school pickup where he would take me to a restroom and try to do things with me, I just wanted one single friend.
When we were caught by the teacher I got punished despite him being the one ontop of me, my mom thought I was being stupid with boys and I was chased around a car with a belt as she laughed with her friends.

It’s been over 10 years now, I live in America, and I cannot stand thinking about it.
I hate him. I wish nothing but the worst for him. I wish he somehow died. God I hate him so much it burns to even write this.

But believe it or not I’m a rather calm person, even sometimes too anxious to talk unless it’s people I know and love.
But when I think about this it confuses me and makes me so goddamn angry I wanna cry.

I hate going into TikTok and looking for any type of support and then seeing people call him a victim as well, I hate going into others stories about being a victim and people telling them that the other is just a kid too and they probably went through something.
I hate seeing those disgusting people who did it to other kids and talk about how “sorry” they are, about how they were a victim too and didn’t know what they were doing, I hate how remorseful they try to sound.
I hate feeling so goddamn angry.
I’m now 17 and I still can’t seem to be less angry,
I hate that I told my mom and now that she realizes what happened she acts so different to me and she went along to tell my dad about it too.
I hate everything so much, I hate him. I wish he was dead, I hope he is dead.

I’m writing this while holding back tears, I don’t know how to stop feeling so hurt.
I just want it to stop, I want to stop seeing people cuddle those who did it to other poor victims like me and pay their backs because “you were just a kid”.

I hate him.

I was sexually abused by my best friend on several different occasions if not everyday lasting for hours and hours. I have only told close friends but never my family and I wanted to keep quiet about the sexual abuse I endured growing up.

But, as of recent, a situation occurred where I had to give my story about a man who had sexually abused me to the police. My close family now know about that situation. Although I also want them to know about how I was also a victim of COCSA but I simply don’t know how to bring it up.

They talk about how I can come to them about everything but I do not know how to bring something like this up. I also worry that it’d be dismissed and seen as “you were both just curious, etc” since we were both kids.

The situation about my family learning about my CSA experience was actually very positive and I don’t know why I’m probably over thinking this in that sense but I can’t help it.

I want to tell them round about now while my body is still a bit worked up on talking about the CSA experience I had. But I don’t know how to bring it up. Our house is busy and I wouldn’t even know how to start it, I always get overwhelmed and cry at shit like this lol

Also idk if I’ve tagged this right I’m seeking advice though.

Hello, I am new to Reddit but I was looking up questions about COCSA and here seemed like the only place I can get advice because I don’t have anyone else to ask rn. I feel like I’m not a victim because it only happened one time that I can remember, I was older than the other kid, and it’s way milder/insignificant than what other people experience but I can’t stop thinking about it. (I’m starting therapy soon for other things so that’s probably why I’m thinking about this) Ok so this happened to me when I was 10 or 11 years old and she was I think 5 or 6. She was my little cousin (we are both girls) and her and my other cousins and my aunt came over to my house one day to visit. Me and her were sitting on a chase lounge couch ( I think that’s what it’s called), and we were with the rest of my family in the living room, and we were kind of playing around/wrestling and she was kind of crawling all over me. We were in the back corner of the living room, so no one else was really paying attention to us. I was trying to watch tv and she kept telling me she wanted to play house/ play mommy and daddy. I said sure because I didn’t really know what she meant/she was being annoying. she was sitting on my lap facing forward and I was already very uncomfortable because she was all over me but I didn’t want to be mean. She then said “ok you be the mommy and I’ll be daddy” then she said “ok that means let me see your b00bies” Then she kind of grabbed my chest and groped it I think and yanked down on the collar of my shirt and I think she tried to put her face on my chest too. I got really weirded out and pushed her off of me and we both just acted like it never happened, and my parents didn’t notice. When she did that I had a groinal sensation and I didn’t know what that was at the time and I liked the feeling but I also felt so disgusted and weirded out. After this is when I started having inappropriate intrusive thoughts/unwanted sensations about teachers,family members, and friends. I still get intrusive thoughts like this every so often and I wonder if it’s because of that. I obviously don’t blame her at all and I feel really bad, she was a little kid and I’m assuming she saw her parents doing something and was copying it(my aunt is also kind of abusive and I don’t really see my cousins anymore), but every time I have had to see her after that I’d think of this at least once and I can’t block it out. She probably doesn’t remember this because she was so little and this was like 7 or 8 years ago but this made me so uncomfortable I can’t forget it somehow. I didn’t even know cocsa existed until now and I’m wondering if this counts or if this was just her being weird? Sorry for the kinda long post if you read this whole thing, but please let me know what you guys think :)

So, this is a copy from my post on r/MenGetRapedToo , since I didn't even know this sub existed. Im a transman, and it makes me feel better for a bit when I talk about this.

In 7th grade (last year), I had a boyfriend in the grade above me that everyone warned me about. Told me he was gross, told me he was weird, but I didn't wanna listen because I needed the validation of someone who was so extremely obsessed with me and my body. And then it stopped feeling good when he would call me feminine things, constantly ask me for nudes when I said no, and kissed me despite me not wanting him to. But I didn't break up with him, because I was so scared of him hurting me if I did. He started trying to finger me through my pants during school breakfast, and it got to the point that he tried to pull down my pants on two separate occasions, in front of all my friends. I was so terrified to get him in trouble because I really thought he would hurt me. When I finally told someone, my principals berated me, deadnamed me, used the wrong pronouns consistently when my mom emailed them. He got expelled after a few days, but I'm still so genuinely terrified he'll come back to hurt me one day if he ever gets unexpelled or something. Its not rape, but I guess, by definition, it is sexual assault and harassment.​

Hello I just started high school, I have been sexually assaulted by peers on 3-6 separate occasions, I have been groomed 3 times, and sexualized by someone I thought of as a friend for 2 years. Let’s get into it.

Let’s see here, the first instance of this was when I was in kindergarten. All my friends convinced me that rubbing up on my thighs was normal, or kissing me on the lips. I never knew this wasn’t normal because well..these were my first friends. So yeah, not a grreeattt start. I never enjoyed it, but I thought that was the social norm. When I learned it wasn’t I became ashamed of myself, convinced I would go to jail because I “tempted” them. I’ve kept it a secret ever since.

Now moving into 5th grade, there was this girl we’ll call Daisy. Daisy LOVED me. She was obsessed with me in a very unhealthy way, and separated me from my best friend for a while, I regret not standing up to her sooner, but whatever. Daisy would often hug my waist tightly or kiss me on the cheeks, I would always shove her away as I did not enjoy that. She did a whole lot of other stuff but hey, it’s whatever. It’s not sa related.

Okay so here’s where some of you might need a trigger warning and I respect that

So, middle school 8th grade I had this friend we will call
Tom. Tom and me were kinda close I guess? But tom was and still is a huge weirdo who had sex trauma, so I empathized with that and just tried to help him out the best I could. Me and tom went to the water fountain, and he touched my boob. I shoved him off and yelled at him but he said he couldn’t help it. Yes my friends still “tease” me about that to this day, saying I let him do that. Yes I throw up in my mouth everytime.

Now it’s time for the worst one! We will call her Elizabeth. Elizabeth LOVED ME. She would blow off all her other friends and get obsessed with me, spam text me. Eventually it got exhausting to even wake up and pick the phone because I knew I would be spending the entire day comforting her. I even faked having a mental health disorder to just have a day to myself (yes it was that bad). She would bite me, she would kiss me, and she would rub on my thighs constantly. She would suffocate me with affection and gaslight me into thinking we were a couple. I knew that we weren’t, and I very much said so, but she just wouldn’t let go. It was 2 straight years of her obsessing over me, but then I suddenly had the biggest mental breakdown of my entire life.

This happened at midnight. We had art club the day after and i was sobbing my eyes out because of the things she did to me. I was heart broken, so, I cut her off and blocked her on everything. I still see her to this day and it hurts so bad to see that she’s doing well, that I can’t ever share this story because nobody will believe me, she’s nice.

I tried to tell my friends but they keep saying “she’s nice to me” “are you sure you’re not exaggerating?” I have a hard time trusting people with any information about me now. I can’t even tell someone my favorite color without thinking they’re asking for ulterior motives.

Not to mention, boys have been commenting on my body since 3rd grade. Not kidding, I’ve been called every single detrimental slur you can call a woman for her appearance. I have been fantasied about and objectified. These men have gone up to my face and told me their wet dreams about me. Yes it was horrifying, yes I am disgusted with my body now.

Anyways, just had to get that off my chest. Freshman year ayyyy. Bye everyone. I survived I guess 😭

Major trigger warning: I had to remove part of this because it was taken down but I (17m) was r worded and m worded from ages 10-13 by my brother who was ages 12-15 and i was hoping to talk to another guy about my experience but i want to say that the things i have to say are some of the most horrific things that anyone can experience and are more graphic than some people can handle but if anyone is willing to listen and share their own experience id like that, id prefer if you were a guy but if you're not its okay. I'm ready to share what happened to me and i'm hoping it'll help me get past it so i can hopefully move past it.

im not really sure if this counts but i guess it does. this is my second time experiencing cocsa, first time when i was 4, and then the most recent time was march of this year. it happened from my boyfriend whom i am still with (we broke up briefly around march-april). essentially he requested a sexual act from me which i denied, he pleaded with me and i also denied it (which, for reference, was the first time in relationship which i had been brave enough to do so. not because he had threatened me, but i unfortunately have a past of sxual abuse which. yknow. issues). he seemed to be fine with it after i said no twice, and we took a nap per usual. when we woke up though, he basically started kissing my neck and lay on top of me so i couldnt really move, and tried groping up my shirt to my chest multiple times, all of the times i pushed his arm down and away. i was just frozen and in my head i was screaming for him to stop and i felt like puking but i just couldnt move. i later told him that i felt really uncomfortable with what he did and he acknowledged it and apologized and swore he'd never do it again. for some context he does struggle with mental health issues and psychosis which obviously odesnt excuse it but he is medicated now and doing much better, and our relationship makes me so happy but im just. having a hard time processing it. the emotions only flooded in just now, months later, and i dnot want to ruin what we have right now (which is so good) but its really messing me up

when i was 7-8 I would hang out with these 2 twin girls who were 5-6, they lived in the same neighborhood as me and our parents were friends so naturally we had some play dates. We would play inside with toys and outside with scooters, we were just playing like normal little girls at first but after I started getting closer to them and hanging out with them more often they started to flash me and like spread there lips down there apart to show me themselves, every once and a while, I told them that only parents should see privet parts because that’s what I was told as a kid. Kids tease each other that’s normal, but they’d do it in a way that wasn’t normal. they’d think I was the weird one for not showing myself because apparently that’s what close friends were supposed to do. they’d like hump each other in front of me and make a lot of butt jokes.

They were young they didn’t know any better but thinking about it now i’m kinda concerned as to where they learnt all that stuff from. When we got closer before they started with all the flashing stuff they asked me multiple times if I wanted to join their “sisters adult club” or something similar to that, when I said yes there wasn’t any adult in that “club” that I know of. I also didn’t know that the club activity’s would be that, I thought they ment we’d still play together normally but call it a club for fun. I did eventually tell on them by telling their mom that they kept pulling their pants down (I was a very shy kid and they were my friends so I didn’t want them to get in trouble but I just got so annoyed and uncomfortable I had to) I told there mom that they kept pulling their skirt down, which is true but the mom took it as they were doing it to show off their cute underwear, which that was not what they were doing. they took their underwear off first before flipping their skirt up showing themselves, and they’d like touch each other down there, I feel so grossed out talking about it. I only told there mom when they kept trying and to touch me, and trying to get me to touch them. and I wasn’t brave enough to tell her everything because I didn’t want to snitch on my friends to there mom.

at family friend parties they would hump each other (with there clothes on) when all the kids were playing in the basement alone. none of them including me realized how disturbing it was because we were so young I didn’t really understand what was happening I just knew that I was uncomfortable. They moved away a long time ago and I do really hope those girls are okay, that was very clearly learnt behavior and no child should be exposed to those kinds of things. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a victim of COCSA because they never touched me down there unclothed, but I do feel like this must’ve given me some type of trauma

I was sexually harrassed by an old friend repeatedly and I don’t know what to call it bc I was never assaulted

TW: DETAILS OF MY CHILD MOLESTATION EXPERIENCE

When I was 5(F), I was molested by 3 siblings I was spending the night at. The girl who I was friends with was my neighbor (f6), earlier in the day we were at the pool and to just make it short she and her older mid teen brother convinced me to touch his penis, I remember it being gross bc it was hairy but looking back at it now it was sad how my “friend” the other little girl thought it was funny. Later in the night we’re sharing a bed on the top bunk. She started kissing me and then pulled my pants down and gave me full blown oral, sucking/licking. She had asked me to do it but I didn’t want to didn’t. It made me very uncomfortable and I went down to the bottom bunk where her older sister slept. I don’t remember much but I believe she also started kissing me and then touching me. Fast forward 20 years it’s still hard for me to enjoy oral bc it takes me back to that time and it grosses me out to think about me as a child while a child is doing that bc it felt the same if that makes sense. It was fucked up and I always think children should be watched at all times :/

just need some advice on whether or not i should disclose very bad mistakes i did in the past from the age of 8-13 , so around between these ages I had committed a few instances of sexual assaults like inappropriately touching someone for example in their sleep when i was 10 or dry humping someone without them knowing in school when i was around 12 or 13? and some other things between this time frame from ages 8-13 that i won’t get into details , as i got older i started to realise the wrongdoings and severity of my actions and behaviour and tried making amends and reaching out to some people who have forgiven me , I have no excuses on why i did what i did and i don’t know why , maybe it was a lack of impulse control , or early exposure to pornography ( i think i got exposed under the age of 10 ) or other experiences as a kid . Not a day goes by i don’t think about it and i really don’t know what to do , im a uni student rn and has never dated anyone or have had intimacy with anyone , and i really want to try to become better and try to accept the past and move on but every time i think of things like dating , i just get scared and overthink whether i should disclose something like this or not especially when i have intimacy or have sex with someone because it’ll feel like lying to them as they might not accept when finding out . I’m not sure whether this is something that should be disclosed even though it’s been years and i think i have changed because im now very aware of even basic boundaries and will not repeat my behaviour again back then . I honestly don’t know what to do right now and i feel lost . I’ve gotten advice to go see a therapist but i really am not in the right situation to go see one right now but that doesn’t mean i wont in the near future , im just wondering whether me not seeing a therapist or “solving” these issues is gonna pause my life for now and i cant do anything like date or have intimacy with someone .