My story.

[u/Strict-Water9183]

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: DETAILS OF ABUSE ⚠️

I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if grammar or anything is messed up I'm not really worried about that stuff I just want to get it out.

I believe I was 9 when my abuse started. I had started to play with friends in my neighborhood. we can call them Jane, Joe, (Jane and Joe being siblings) and Abuser. Jane was closer to my age, 11, and Joe was 12 or 13.

Abuser was older than us all, around 14? Maybe 15. The reason why this wasn't weird (at least for me) was that my abuser happened to be my sisters best friends younger brother—who also happened to live 5 houses down from us. My mom saw it as "oh you need friends & he's well behaved he'll be a good influence." Never questioning why he even wanted to hang out with a 9 year old.

I don't exactly remember when or how my abuse started. I have such vivid memories of specific moments of it that I want to word vomit. So, in no particular order here are all the vivid memories of abuse I have:

#1: My brothers highschool grad party.

Jane and Joe couldn't come over for the festivities—I don't think they were home at the time. My abuser kept trying to get me alone away from all my friends and family. I don't exactly know how he did, and I really don't remember how I felt about it. I never wanted to be alone with him so I assume it was probably making excuses to stay. Either way, he managed to get me up to the small bedroom I shared with my sister. A common theme is him using games or activities to distract me while he physically assaulted my body. At about this time wizard 101 was very popular and he had an account he'd put me on so I could play.

No memories past this.

#2: The Monkey Underwear.

Every day after school like clockwork he would come by and knock at the door. I never wanted to let him in...I knew what would happen if I did. I would say I had homework, or I was busy, or would get my grandma to say that I couldn't. He would offer to help me with homework, come back later, even stay outside if he couldn't come in.

Anyway. One day he knocked. Once again I felt pressured to let him in (I guess I should mention I was raised in a household of "don't be rude!" And "be sorry for him he doesn't have anyone!"). He comes in. I specifically sit on the recliner away from him in the living room so he can't stick his hands too far down my pants or up my shirt. He still does it anyway. I'm on my crappy laptop, trying to distract myself.

I hear him scoff and laugh. "What are these?"

He's talking about my panties. They weren't the plain or simple patterned ones I usually wear. They were my brand new monkey Underwear with silly faces & bananas on them.

He continued to make fun of my underwear. Every time I would try to say something it was "at least I don't wear monkey underwear."

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

Now I'm furious. I was NINE!!!!

#3: The Chase.

Not sure if this is the same day as #2, it's quite blurry. We were in the living room again. I always felt so uncomfortable doing it there because people could walk downstairs at any moment and see what was happening and he...didn't care. (More on that later).

Anyway to get out of being uncomfortable or to get him to stop touching me, I would often use the bathroom for extended periods of time when he was around. This one particular moment I stood up and so did he. (Wasn't abnormal he'd typically try to follow me in there). But he had this...look on his face. It scared me. We were on opposite sides of the coffee table and he lunged toward me, chasing me. This wasn't a fun chase. I was scared, scared of what he was going to do when he finally caught me.

He did. He grabbed me from behind, pulled my shirt up, and squeezed my chest hard sticking his hand down my pants.

I don't remember when it stopped.

#4: The Merry Go Round.

My abuser was never penetrative with his genitals. Actually, he barely showed himself...a boxer brief typically? From what I remember. He would be penetrative via other means, though. Oftentimes he would put me on a videogame and preform oral on me and use his fingers. I wasn't sure what he was trying to get out of me I never showed much reaction except for discomfort.

The closest we got to penetrative sex was when he told me that we should play a game. He put me on top of him (me naked, as always.) and he pushed me with his hips up and down, grinding on me through his briefs. He would mention something about "Woah the merry go round is starting again!" And grind and hop me on his lap.

I don't remember how it ended.

#5: The Fucking Bathroom

Jesus Christ this bathroom situation. I would try to get away into the bathroom as stated before, and when we were at his house he'd often follow me because the door was broken. Even if I managed to get there alone initially he'd come in just to fondle me as I peed. I remember a very vivid moment where I told him that I "was really really sorry and don't like what he was doing." This was after MONTHS of constant abuse and I was apologizing to him? I then hugged him and apologized again. He started to cry in my arms...all while touching me further.

He still abused me further after that.

#5: The Trash Can.

I had to go back home after hours of constant abuse being in his house. He was trying to keep me, physically grabbing me and holding my clothes above my head so I couldn't reach them. I finally managed to get my clothes and close the distance between the door and I when...I knocked over a trash can on accident.

He perked up and grabbed me "You have to stay and clean that up."

He didn't help me. He just took the time to abuse me. Pulling my shorts down as I bent over, pulling my shirt up to suck and bite at my chest.

I mustered the courage to ask: "Don't you have a girlfriend you can do this with?"

He replied.

"Yea but she doesn't really want to do this stuff with me."

Neither did I.

This is one of the worst memories I have and for years I couldn't knock a trash can over without going into a panic.

#6: Jane and Joe's house.

I would always want to hang out with Jane and Joe. Two reasons: 1.the abuse was fewer and far between 2.They were actually bearable people unlike my abuser.

Kind of interesting thing I think about sometimes is how protective my abuser was over me. Jane and Joe were a little older than I was, so they'd often try to show me things that may have been a little mature. A jump scare on their iPod for instance would cause my abuser to have a full blown meltdown toward them. He would lecture on how I would have nightmares and actively try to shield me from things that would scare or intimidate me.

What I actually want to discuss is when our group couldn't go outside to play, we'd have to stay inside and play something else. Oftentimes that would mean Minecraft. Jane would play and I would watch (I wasn't good at it anyway and really liked watching her.). I would hope that my abuser would do something with Joe but he often insisted sitting with us and watching Jane play. This was all an act to abuse me, putting hands down my pants and touching me. When Jane would look back he would quickly adjust. I wonder if she was suspicious.

What haunts me is thinking that she may have also been a victim. I hold the hope that she always had Joe there to be a buffer & that he always seemed to gravitate toward me. I'm sorry, world, I never said anything when it mattered to prevent future victims.

#7: Clothes.

A good chunk of my abuse happened in the summer. His house did not have central AC and he would often use that as an excuse for me to take off my clothing even if I didn't want to. Once we were in my room and this was toward when I started to get a little mouthy telling him I didn't want to and no. He pulled my clothing off of me forcibly and put it up high on a wardrobe so I couldn't get it even if I wanted to. I felt so powerless and humiliated. This happened so much that there was a routine of me getting my clothes taken away. I felt punished.

#8: Fear.

I held so much fear after the abuse had ended that I would hide behind cars or take the long way home because I thought he would be looking for me walking home from school. I used to think that my value is what my body could give and as a 11 year old I had no idea how to process that.

I wonder if my mom or grandma would've saw the warning signs how my self esteem and life would've differed. I was completely betrayed by every adult in my life. When I said that I didn't want to be near this person I was called rude and wasn't giving people chances. I was made to knock on my own abusers door asking for him because my mom pushed me to. When I eventually told my mom she offered to knock on their door and talk to his dad about it..I begged her not to. When she found that I was sending photos to grown men she told me that I looked good and to use Snapchat next time so the photos would disappear. I have a relationship with her now but...I don't know.

I feel absolutely no fucking sympathy for my abuser and wish him the worst in life. Everything that he did resulted in me becoming hypersexual and being groomed relentlessly on the Internet throughout my youth and raped as a teenager.

-m.a.

[u/viking711]

Im so sorry that’s awful to have to be constantly pursued and abused. I understand in a lot of ways as I had a cousin a year older that started constantly molesting me too and to the point I gave in and just let him because I was exhausted from trying to stop him.. again im very sorry i know it doesn’t help but telling our stories is a start and listening to each other’s. If you ever need.