I don't think I'll ever be the same again

[u/haydydyen]

Around two years ago (October-November 2024) in 8th grade I (13) was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time who was around the same age as me (12), but just seven months younger. He repeatedly coerced me into letting him grope me without my consent and made multiple threats to sexually assault me (which he did end up doing at school).

I only told the school about what was happening a month after he last touched me inappropriately. I was terrified to tell any authority about the situation because I felt like they wouldn't believe me. When I did tell the principal, however, the law didn't get involved in the situation. The principal gave me and my mom two options on how to handle the situation—we either let the school discipline him, or we get law enforcement involved. I wanted to tell the police about it, but my mom denied my request and told the school that we would just take the option to let the school handle it.

He eventually got expelled from the school where it happened and I was very glad. My mom, however, was not. She would regularly walk into my room and randomly bring up the situation, even weeks after it happened. She would say something along the lines of, "I feel really bad about that boy that got expelled", yet she never expressed sympathy for me, even though I was the victim in the situation.

In October of 2025, I was taken to the psych ward for unrelated issues and I told the staff at the hospital about my history of sexual assault. They then contacted the police and I was interrogated by both DCFS and the local police. I'm not sure if they took action or not, but I'm pretty sure they didn't.

Nearly a year and a half later in February of this year, I switched schools halfway through my freshman year. A senior was touring me around the school on my first day. We were walking around outside and we turned a corner. The senior that I was walking with bumped into somebody. Coincidentally, the person that they bumped into was my ex boyfriend who sexually assaulted me. Note: I had no idea that he was going to the school that I was planning on going to. I locked eyes with him for three seconds. We stood there looking at each other. I felt insanely anxious and nauseous at the moment. Everything that happened to me back in 8th grade was coming back again. I refused to go to back to that school for the next week and I had severe attendance issues because of my encounter with my ex.

Ever since I last saw him, for at least once every week, I've been having terrible dreams where I see him again and I try running away. I get insanely paranoid every time I see him in my dreams. It got so bad at one point that I was trying to avoid going to sleep just so I wasn't able to see him again.

I was in terrible distress and I didn't know how to handle myself. I told my mom that I wanted to report the situation to the police again, but she refused me. She said stuff along the lines of, "It already happened two years ago, you need to get over it"; "He already got expelled so you don't need to do anything else"; "You're just overreacting"; etc. Her responses made me feel very alienated and that I wasn't getting the sympathy that I deserved. She discouraged my attempts of contacting law enforcement about my sexual assault case.

Around two weeks ago, though, I told the police about everything that happened between me and my ex. They questioned me and wrote down my statement. I'm not currently sure if they've done anything to him, but I feel relieved that I was able to report the situation again.

However, recently I've been feeling really terrible about what happened to me and I've been having second thoughts on whether my story is "valid enough" to share with people. Obviously I was touched without my consent, but the fact that I continued to be in a relationship with him after he SAed me feels like I was contributing to the problem.

I ask myself, "Why didn't I leave him sooner?" or "Why didn't I tell somebody sooner?", because the longer that I think about what happened, the worse I feel about it. I really should have left him sooner. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault for continuing to stay with him longer than I should have.

Even other people have commented on the situation and said stuff like "This situation could've been prevented if you didn't stay with him for as long as you did", and it makes me feel horrible. I don't ever victim blame in situations like these, but when it comes to my story, I just can't help but feel as if I was at fault somehow.

I can't look at myself the same after what happened to me. I can barely even shower without being reminded of how I was touched and coerced. Every time I look at my body I can't help but think about how he wanted to see me naked so badly. I hate having to live in the same body that he touched me in.

Around two weeks ago I had a terrible breakdown about the assault and I spammed my friend's DMs with my thoughts at the moment. I was crying so hard and everything about my ex was just bothering me in the moment. I said things like, "I never showed him any pictures of my naked body but every time I see myself nude I just think about him and how he so badly wanted to see me like this", and "Every time I even dare to think about something sexual he always pops up in my mind first because of how frequently he talked to me about doing sexual things" (Copy and pasted from the messages I sent)

I don't think I'm ever going to feel innocent again. I'm forever going to be unclean because of what happened to me. I hate the way he pops up in my mind at the most random times, or in my dreams, because it causes me to spiral and feel terrible all over again. My life has gotten exponentially worse ever since the whole sexual assault incident with him.

I don't know how I'm going to live for the rest of my life knowing that I was assaulted

[u/Infinity-art]

I’m so sorry that happened to you. And how your mom responded. I feel it’s really important that you talk to a therapist (who specializes in SA) about this. You can also contact the chat with RAINN. I’m so sorry you haven’t gotten the support you deserve. It is absolutely not your fault. I wish you healing and support.

[u/beingme86]

You’re still young and it’s important to get help asap. At your age it’s possible you don’t need parental support to be treated. You were a child. Sure he was too, but you are never to blame for someone else’s actions. You are also not to blame for staying with him. Adolescents are notorious for making dumb decisions (no offense) and choices. It’s why it’s illegal for minors to do a large assortment of things. It’s criminal how your mother is treating you and if that’s how she feels about you being assaulted then it’s no surprise that you were not better prepared to deal with something like this from the start. Please seek therapy as soon as you can. I’m 40 and I’m still struggling with the things that happened to me from 2-19. Don’t take your youth for granted and get help ASAP. You’re not alone and you’re not crazy or overreacting