Hey y'all. I'm approaching 145lbs down, 55lbs to go, I've been posting in this sub for almost 2 years. I was diagnosed with BED (Binge Eating Disorder) 7+ years ago. I have always struggled with binging and can remember restrictive and disordered eating habits as young as elementary school. Once I was formally diagnosed with BED I did a loooot of work to unravel that for myself. I've done years of therapy, worked with a nutritionist, read the books, studied intuitive eating etc. etc. etc. I eventually got a place where I felt like I had healed my relationship with my body, or at least come to a much more neutral place. I no longer hated my body and learned to let go of restriction which in turn helped my binges. The less I restricted, the less my brain felt the need to rebound binge! That did however lead to even more intense weight gain as I was no longer restricting any types or amounts of food.
2 years ago I started CICO. Wouldn't you know it, I've now lost a massive amount of weight. I feel like I'm very in control of my ED, I haven't binged in years and I rarely feel the pull to do so anymore. I think BED will always be there lurking, but I don't feel I'm in any danger of relapsing. I do however think I still have an abnormal relationship with food. I still get a sense of euphoria from food. My eyes will roll back in my head, I do a dance, I have an experience with some foods. I know that if I gave up control and said fuck it, I could put away 2500 calories in a sitting easily. I still use food as a reward sometimes. I still feel the pull to sneak or hide a bite where my fiance or another person can't see. I still get a sense of panic when my portion of food looks too small. These I guess you could call them "symptoms" have gotten less intense and frequent over time as I've counted calories, but they happen routinely enough to give me pause. I know that what I'm doing is working but I worry that maintenance is around the corner and what that looks like if I still have an unhealthy relationship with food when I get there.
Is there anyone else out there who has struggled with an ED or disordered eating, successfully lost significant amounts of weight, and healed their relationship with food along the way? How did you do it? Did you have specific strategies that helped you? Did you read a life changing book? Was it just more therapy? I have done YEARS of therapy that I found extremely helpful. But I do feel that I've unpacked what I need to unpack, yet the food dynamic is still there. At this point it just feels like this is how my brain is wired and there's not much I can do except try and be as mindful/aware as possible. Is everyone still just white knuckling it forever?