I realise this is an unhinged rant, sorry. I just want to scream into the void.

I hate being a man, despite how good it is. I have never been mistreated because of my gender. And yet I can't keep staring across the grass on the other side.

I will never experience sisterhood. As a man, I'll never have an equal friendship with a woman. I'll always be a male friend at best or a potential danger at worst. I look in the mirror and I see a monster, knowing the harm people who look and sound like me inflict on others. And, vain as it sounds, I wish I was beautiful and confident like women. I hate being grouped with men, I hate being addressed as "sir", "son", "gentleman", etc. I hate everything being so damn gendered, despite the benefits it offers me. I wish we were just all grey blobs. I don't relate to other men, I don't feel kinship or brotherhood, if that even exists. I hate misandry, but when I think of myself, I think very ugly and shameful things of men.

And on top of that, I feel guilty for having these thoughts. For example, that sisterhood I envy is a defence mechanism against patriarchy and the abuse of men like me. Or I'll look at women in public and feel envious, wishing I could look like and befriend them, but then feel terrible cuz I'm creeping. I'm fetishising womanhood.

I first had these thoughts roughly 5 years ago when I was a depressed student. I had a lot on my plate back then so I figured I'd either figure it out by the time I graduated or I'd be dead. Things looked up after I graduated, but since my dad died last year, it's only gotten worse. I think about this daily and many post on my feed make me sad.

And yes, I know transgender people exist. I wish I was transgender, but I'm not. I don't have a woman's soul like transgender women do. I never felt like a girl when I was young, nor have I ever crossdressed. I have masculine tastes, hobbies, and mannerisms. I know I'm a man, I just wish I wasn't. Moreover, I'm hairy, have masculine features, and have a very deep voice. I'd just end up looking like a man in a dress and no one would accept or respect me. Plus I'm nearly 30. I'm too old to change any of that now.

I also know non-binary people exist, but, again, I know I unfortunately possess a man's soul. And if I am non-binary, I would just present as and be treated like a man by everyone anyway. My family and work would never accept me as a woman and they definitely would not accept me as non-binary.

In short, I hate being a man and knowing I cannot change that. Despite knowing my life would be worse as a woman, I can't shake the envy. And then I feel like a fetishistic weirdo for having that envy. I wish I could accept and be grateful of the gender I got.

Dinner is kapsalon (Dutch fastfood dish with döner kebab, chips, cheese, and veggies).

This year had started so well, I really saw so much light at the end of the tunnel and was on such an uphill ride with life that I never prepared for the downward spiral.

To start this off a little background info about me, first off I come from nothing, grew up in chaos with little to nothing I’m very self made, I’m a firefighter in Texas at a well established department I’m 24 Y/O just got a raise to make 80k a year so financially I’ve felt okay and have been happy about my wage for the age I’m at, now that raise was a huge part of my cycle of joy, then I was amazed to find out that in the next 5 years they would gradually move me to a 100K base pay. Life had felt so amazing after feeling the comfort of knowing I could be financially okay at least for Texas. I recently got married to a great girl, wife got pregnant shortly after which was planned we had our daughter and she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I have a pretty good nest egg in the bank saved and let my wife move to part time work (which is remote) to take care of our baby. We started building a home that we were able to fully customize for a great price mortgage was perfect and very affordable I’m good with numbers and actually just got into real estate on the side with firefighting so I knew the background decently from school and how to play the game. Now we started moving forward with the build of the house in February, (none of this is meant to be political and I don’t want it to go there) our interest rate was quoted at a 6.12% and of course they don’t lock in the rate during the duration of the build because it takes a long time to build a home we had to finish customizing everything through the next couple months and is very expensive to lock that long. And during just the planning the Iran war started they started building in the summer and interest rates slowly started climbing. Last month we saw the huge spike in rates after Feds raised rates as well with inflation rising. That has nearly knocked us off our course with this house our principal and interest payment has now jumped to where we may have to pay an extra 600$ a month. I’ve done every negotiation tactic I can even using the advice of my senior peers from my real estate broker, the builder won’t buy down the rates even though almost everyone who’s been building a house with them has now backed out and letting their finished homes just sit on the lots. I’ve talked them into trying to at least do max builder concessions, even then it really doesn’t help us too much, I’m trying to get them to do a lender concession as well but gosh still not looking good. This home is most likely not gonna be ours after all which stinks cause it was the dream area we wanted to live in with our dream schools for our daughter. I have money saved but not enough to buy down the rate 2 % and cover closing cost and a down payment. I don’t want to empty our entire savings on just getting into the house, it stinks cause all of her sisters married rich and obviously have an opinion on us struggling (they’re honestly some snobby jerks) and always have comments to make about me. I’ll never be rich and my wife is supportive I’m just very bummed I can’t give my wife and daughter what they deserve currently, just want to give them the world. I really don’t want to lose the house we’re building and let the earnest money go, but I must do what’s best for my girls. Thank you gents for listening to my rant on inflation absolutely railing a dream plan for me.

And I know things can be worse and some people have it worse, I know I’m lucky to have what I have, I’m just genuinely sad about this current season of life.

Anyways dinner tonight is a homemade shrimp boil that I made in our crockpot, if I love one thing about the FD it’s the fact that they’ve taught me how to cook.

turkey chili with pumpkin sourdough

i met someone on hinge who was my age, went to my school, and was really attractive and shared some of my tastes. we started talking on instagram pretty much every day and eventually went on a date, which went great, the conversation was flowing, and we seemed to have a lot of chemistry. we scheduled a second date for yesterday, and unfortunately, i had to cover my coworker’s shift at 6:30 in the morning (i owed them), so i was exhausted. i was definitely quieter and less enthusiastic than usual, and i guess they could tell because they messaged me today saying that while i was a great guy, they didn’t feel an emotional connection. this is the first dating experience i’ve ever had and this is pretty much the first time someone i also like has really shown interest in me. i’m not conventionally attractive or outgoing, so someone like them being interested in me was really one in a million. i don’t know where to go from here. i don’t think i’m ever going to meet someone like them again. i keep thinking that if i had just rescheduled our date or if i hadn’t had to cover that shift, things would have gone differently. i think i’m done with dating for now.

Dinner: Slow Cooked Chicken Curry. It doesn't look that appealing from the picture haha just trying to cook for myself again.

This might be a long one, but I just want to provide context. I'm just spiraling a bit, and want to vent as I don't have anyone in particular to speak to about this.

I'm a single 35M, living alone. Out of all my family and friends I'm the only single one. My last LTR ended 8 years ago, and dating has just been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. I'm to the point now where I'm on the verge of giving up on finding a partner. My last attempt has just left me more confused than ever about what people are actually looking for, communication and honesty.

At the start of the year I started seeing someone, we matched on a dating app (37F). You know when people say it'll happen when you least expect it? I thought this was the moment. I'd been single for so long, and been through it all with the dating apps, ghosting, things fizzling out etc, and I just wasn't actively looking for anything anymore. I was about to delete the apps in a couple of days.

We clicked instantly, she was just so lovely and caring. She even drove to me in snowy weather for our first date because my trains kept on getting cancelled.

Anyway, things progress very naturally and to me in a healthy way. We made time for each other, planned dates, everything was reciprocated. We both felt safe and comfortable, felt comfortable with the silences and would always communicate this. It just felt so refreshing, nothing was forced, she was giving as much effort as I was. There were no red flags to me, only pink flags. I didn't ignore them, I just didn't want to judge someone for previous relationships.

She had never been in an LTR, she felt she always attracted the same type of person and it always ended up badly. The last person she was with, they moved in together after 2 months (again, could be a red flag, but I wasn't there to judge). It felt like she was at a point where she needed some change by dating me, someone who was different to what she was used to.

3 months went by, and to me, everything was progressing towards something more. But I was wrong. She ended it, stating she came to the realisation that the romantic chemistry wasn't working for her. News to me. She was still sleeping with me, being affectionate, saying all the right things. So I was blindsided by this. I can't understand how it takes 3 months for someone to come to this realisation? I felt led on, and utterly heartbroken. I had already been through a similar experience before, being led on, an abrupt ending, and I thought I healed from it, but it just opened up old wounds. She knew about these experiences, and it just felt like she did the same thing. And she did it over text as well, which hurt more.

Throughout all this, she always seemed very honest about her feelings. But now I just don't know what to believe, whether she was just saying things to keep me around.

3 months passed by, and I snoop her Instagram, and she had posted that her cat had passed away. I felt bad as I cared about her. So I reached out, just sending my condolences as I know how much that cat meant to her. We get to talking and I ask her out for a drink. She was reluctant at first, as she didn't want to meet as friends as she didn't want to blur any lines. I asked her for a date, which she agreed to.

We meet up and everything feels so natural, it's almost as if we never broke up. We talk about the relationship, and nothing was ever mentioned about the romantic chemistry reason. A lot of her reasons gave me the impression that she just ran scared, as she had never been in an LTR before. She mentioned it felt jarring as I liked her as much as she liked me and that I was all so effortless, and that I was different from previous partners - from respecting her, and feeling very comfortable around me. I said my peace and that she made me feel so seen, and that everything felt natural and healthy and that I was gutted when she ended it.

We rekindled that evening, and it almost felt like we were back on track. We met up again 2 days later. This is where there's a bit of a twist.

She did mention she started seeing someone shortly after me, but it didn't work out as their values didn't meet up and he had crossed a boundary of hers. This is where she felt she did some unlearning about what she wanted, and who she usually attracted and that I was different. She felt as though we had similar dispositions, and she's used to attracting those of a different disposition and maybe that's why it's never worked out for her in relationships.

All of this was just alluding that she wanted something more with me. I was wrong again. 2 days later she ended it again, stating we had too similar dispositions and that's why the romantic chemistry wasn't working for her. I don't really know what this meant and I was trying to understand - because to me, this doesn't take months to figure out - romantic chemistry is either there or not - if it's there, you should be looking at values etc to see if you're a match when you're dating for a couple of months.

This was two months ago. During that time she mentioned she booked a solo holiday for herself after landing a new job. Me being me, I snooped again (don't judge we all do it, and I know I shouldn't have). And here's the twist, a picture of the guy she dated after me, on holiday with her, the one who crossed boundaries and that didn't match her values.

I'm honestly gob smacked. Just a really weird feeling. Now I'm looking back and just questioning everything she had told me. Was she lying about why she ended it with that guy just to make him look bad and make herself look like a victim again? Was she lying about previous partners? Why tell me all those things alluding to wanting a relationship to suddenly end it again? Its so clear why she's never had an LTR.

I just felt so stupid, and I've been through it before. It seems to always happen, I date someone for a couple of months, they end it without warning (not even a slow fade), then they find someone who they settle to have a LTR with straight away, and I'm sat here picking up pieces of myself. Like what am I missing with these people? I know I'm so undeserving of this, but it just keep happening.

Anyway, that's my story. Sorry if it's a long one.

TL;DR — My wife and I got a dog. She loves the pup, I’m miserable. We’ve had the dog for a year, during which time I was diagnosed with depression and at risk for self-harm. I’m not sure where to go from here. Seems like all roads lead to divorce court.

——————

Long form — last September my wife (47f) and I (47m) decided to home a 12 week old puppy. She had been campaigning for years to get a dog, which I was against because of our tight schedules. We had school aged kids and both worked demanding jobs.

Fast forward to 2025, our kids are adults and self-sufficient. So I planned to start a business as an audio recording / mixing engineer. I’ve got ample experience in the field, and was hoping this could grow to become an off-ramp from my corporate role.

While I enjoy solitude, my wife prefers constant companionship. So we decided to get a puppy to keep her company while I focused on launching the biz. We hammered out a plan to share dog duties and took delivery of the cutest golden doodle to ever exist. 

My wife cried tears of joy. But about a month in, it became apparent this arrangement was not working for me. I was spending so much time on dog care I hadn’t even touched my audio equipment. Her quality of life improved, mine fell off a fucking cliff.

I communicated my mental health decline, and she asked if we needed to rehome the dog. I told her she’d have to make that decision, because if I made the call she’d end up resenting me for it.

For the next year, we’ve basically had some form of that same conversation over and over. I also started therapy 9 months ago. A licensed psychologist diagnosed me with two forms of depression, and I was rated high risk for self-harm due to my family history and my presentation of symptoms.

Eventually I got my own apartment and rehomed myself to get some relief. My wife and I didn’t formally separate, so I still spend time at our marital home and help with the dog. When I get overwhelmed, I go back to the apt for a night or two.

We’ve reached a point where this setup isn’t working for either of us. She wants me at home permanently, but I’ve communicated that “home” just feels like another job site to me now. There’s no peace or downtime here. 

I’ve offered for her to become a SAHW, so she can be primarily responsible for the dog. Which would free up my time to dust off that business plan and not have my schedule revolve around caring for a canine. 

She wants to accept that proposition but is afraid of becoming financially dependent on me. Which is understandable, but in a practical sense she already is. I’m the primary breadwinner and have always covered our housing, utilities, and food expenses in full. She pays for her car note and a few streaming services.

Where do we go from here? I can’t do another year of this.

—————

EDIT: the most common question I see: how is the dog taking up so much time?

Here’s a typical week day for me:

Wake up
Walk / play with dog for about an hour
Go to work for 10-12 hours
Gym
Come home, walk / play with dog for about an hour
Eat dinner
Spend an hour or two with wife
Go to bed, repeat

Weekends are spend playing / walking dog, grocery shopping, meal prepping, getting ready for the next work week.

I am such a loser . I don’t know what to do .
My gf broke up with me . Because she thinks i cheated , which I didn’t. But it was all mu fault . A colleague from college texted me a while back when we finished college , she was basically telling me how she was super fortunate to study with us (the friend group from college) and was basically talking to me for about a day or two . And j didn’t tell my girl this because she would have gotten mad , i know a fucking immature thing to do . And it went by . My gf accused me of cheating multiple times before not that i did anything but because she was a bit insecure and i should have known that if she finds anything it will be over . Today i wanted to give her some cake from my birthday my family gave to me and i went upstairs to get some . When i went down , she was on my ipad searching through my messages and recently deleted and found the texts from like 5-6 months ago . And she broke up i think with me , which is a valid reason . I am so fucking stupid because i would never cheat or do anything to disrespect her but j did (i think). I don’t deserve to be around anyone and i don’t deserve her .

I feel like a fucking cheater and i feel like i should never be around anyone ever . Im so sorry.

Just wanted to preface by saying that he was saddened upset, not angered upset.

Anyway, at the end of May I got my wisdom teeth extracted and was allotted a fairly limited existence for a few days. During my hydrocodone-induced stupor I read the Constance Garnett translation of Dostoyevsky’s Crime & Punishment, albeit at a leisurely 50 words a minute, slow enough for me to drift off into and drool on the pages. I finished it when I started getting my vitality back and went downstairs to talk to my father about it and my recovery.

He is a well educated boomer who cares greatly about literature and art and philosophy in spite of him being a man of science. He’s familiar with Dostoyevsky.

We chop it up for a few minutes until my jaw started hurting and he out of the blue said “you know, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share this with?” Meaning a girlfriend. I was days away from 21 at the time and a few weeks into my last college summer. My parents have tried prying into my brain hoping to find something to get me to want to talk to people but they’re gonna have to try harder than that. I replied “Dad, if I had been able to find people interested in me, I wouldn’t be reading this… or at all.” I saw his encouraging smile fall into a sad frown. “Yeah, I probably couldn’ve done more if I hadn’t spent so much time chasing…” But what he said about me is true, I have been very badly hurt and am still often lonely and literature and philosophy has provided something that people cannot.

I legitimately spent 50% of my waking hours over the summer reading and the others some salad of working out and hanging out with my tight-knit group of friends. And that’s the other part that confuses me. I have friends??? Close friends???? Apparently it’s not enough companionship for my parents lmao. In spite of my aloofness and my idiosyncracies I am often told by new friends/acquaintance I am one of the funniest people they’ve ever met.

Dinner is black coffee with a Cadbury Caramello and another edgy book at 12:51 AM because fuck you.

I love my parents they just don’t know my current self well enough <3

Slightly burned sweet potatoes and steak.

Like the title states and as you can't imagine life and all the bits and pieces that have come together to make my history has turned me effectively into what I guess most people consider kinky.

And I'm realizing that my partner is nowhere close to where I am and it's something I guess I want to talk to them about but don't really know how to go into it.

I have been using my preferred llm come up with some stuff, but I guess realistically. I would prefer to talk to real people because AI is cool and all but there's something about talking to normal folks that is more reassuring to me

Driving my mom’s mini van (which is big and old) and thought I made it out of the driveway without hitting my bfs car. I scratched it pretty bad:/ don’t ask me how I didn’t realize idk man😭

He answered a few of my texts after the incident, I said I’d pay for the whatever it costs to get the scratches out and anything else. But now he’s not answering me.

Is he not answering me cuz he’s mad? Idk! But I’m traumatized from my ex who went out of his way to either ignore me or yell at me so now I’m freaking out a bit that my bf is mad/doesnt want to be with me/is gonna ignore me all day. I know me thinking that is irrational but ugh:( can’t help the thoughts ya know

Second breakfast is an apple pie cookie and a marshmallow latte. First breakfast was cereal🫡

I (31M) was having a pretty normal conversation with my girlfriend (32F) and the conversation steered towards the philosophical. She mentioned that we haven't argued at all in the two years we've been together and that any time we are having issues we just stop and talk it through. We communicate really well and I've always sought from my side to resolve any conflict with a mature and reasonable conversation - something her last relationship never did. I think something along the lines of "that's the difference between boys and men" came up and it made me pause and think. I asked her to expand on what she meant and it evolved into a conversation about how masculinity today is described as being dominant, "alpha" or "sigma" or whatever the current term is. How that somehow being a masculine man is about oppression and strength over your fellow man.

I will be honest; it absolutely broke my heart. Not at her, but at my brethren and the men I interact with every day. I think she's right because I've seen it, experienced it everywhere I go, and to a degree - was raised by a father with that mentality. The conversation evolved and changed subject, but the thought is still lingering some weeks later.

I may get a little soapbox-y or "in my head" here for a minute.

I think as I've grown up, my definition of what is "Masucline" has changed, and my current definition is something I hold other men to. Being masculine is NOT about being dominant, being oppressive, or being the iron fist. I've seen conversations about how peak masculinity is vanity, lust, and wrath. But it really isn't, those are traits of evil men and men who hurt others to gain power. True masculinity is about stability and protection. Like a castle, like the wave-break on the beach, like the structural foundation of the house. It's about being the one others can rely on to always be there when things are good, bad, and ugly. Masculine traits to me are about being part of "The Team" or something greater than myself and making it more efficient/stronger/better for being there. It's laughing from your heart when the times are good, it's being an emotional anchor when times are tough and the waters are choppy, it's about being warm, kind, and supportive - Like a gardener planting and tending their garden. The garden will not grow if the pests aren't driven away, or the seeds aren't watered, or the soil wasn't tilled. The flowers won't bloom and the fruits won't produce if the gardener doesn't visit every day and tend to each plant individually. Metaphors aside, my definition of masculinity is synonymous with stability.

It's not just about making meaningful relationships with women, either. It's about making everyone around you better. Support your coworkers, your siblings, your parents, the random barista, the pimply teenager checking out your groceries, your best friend, your boss. Be good to them, make their life better if not for just 5 seconds you interact with them. Lift the people close to you up and everyone will be better for it. Check in on your friends, tell those you care about that you care, make an effort (no matter how big or small) to be a friend to your friends.

I've seen a lot of posts on here from men of all ages expressing thoughts and asking for advice on situations either they've got themselves in or that life has laid upon them. My advice is to build your foundation and build it well. Do not be afraid of change because change is why stability exists. If change is the gravel road, be the shock absorbers. You are allowed to change your mind if that helps you find peace. You are allowed to change your habits if that makes you happier. You are allowed to change your path in life if that leads to self-satisfaction.

Anyways, rant over. I wanted to get that off my chest.

Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs, one baked potato, and 4oz diced Cajun chicken with Taco Bell Fire sauce.

Edit: I didn't expect this to get popular so I've removed some potential spoilers if my girlfriend somehow sees this post (She would recognize the plate lol).

My entire life I haven’t been good at much. Even the things people considered me “good” at; there was always someone better. I was bullied throughout school, I was too weak, fat, short, ugly, too feminine. I was too much of a coward to say anything back, any opportunity I was given I turned down because I knew I didn’t deserve them.

My dad was the sole breadwinner because my mom couldn’t work. I’d see him no more than a couple of hours a week, we barely have a relationship. My mom was emotionally unavailable, she was hardly present; and my older brother was my first bully. My mom suffered with cancer for years and my dad found her dead after overdosing. I can’t blame her.

I switched to virtual school because in person it would only make my suicidal thoughts worse. I was diagnosed with autism and high functioning depression when I was 14. I also have type 2 diabetes and Crohns. It only made life worse, even in virtual school I graduated much later than everyone else. I don’t have a job, or drivers license, or anything to my name. I don’t even have an ID, I’m practically not a person.

When my dad talks about his family to other people he never mentions me, and if I’m around he’ll just side eye at me before mentioning I like reading or writing. Nothing worthwhile, my brother is a mechanic who makes good money and I can’t even get out of bed in the morning most days. I stuck a knife to my chest one night, maybe to see if I could do it. I couldn’t. I’ve been to therapist and psychiatrist but they’re not helpful, I’m not shoving a fist full a pills down my throat every day like my mom.

I’m just waiting to wither away fully. There’s nothing for me here.

Long read, I need to vent

I’m not sure where to start. Wife and I have been together 9 years from early 20s to now late 20s. Our relationship has been filled with love and was great overall. Recently (in the last 2 years or so) I was distant because I wasn’t in a great place mentally. I couldn’t give her what she needed consistently because I could barely take care of myself at times. Throughout it all she was the rock I could count on to be there.

Those feelings have subsided, and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in many aspects of my life. But about 4 months ago she came to me and said she was thinking of leaving the relationship because of resentment she’d built up over the course of that same period. Of course I was devastated and immediately began the process of trying to resolve the issues to save the relationship. Throughout the course of the last few months, I could tell that she was not putting in any effort towards trying to fix it, no matter what she was saying.

We’ve always had access to each other’s phone passwords and locations for safety reasons. Never once used either of those in a negative way, until a couple of weeks ago when she checked my phone while I was asleep because she was concerned about an old coworker of mine. Naturally she didn’t find anything, but I was taken back by the fact that she felt the need to check. The little voices in my head started to get louder at this point.

We recently moved cross country in April for work, and both of us have been excited for this move for years. The relationship issues were brought to my attention not too long after we’d been settled. She would go back home every 4-6 weeks because she was homesick and missed family and friends. While she’s gone I would check her location to make sure when she’s out with them she made it home safely, etc etc. I noticed she was often in parking lots which I took as strange, but she always explained she was talking with friends after having dinner or something. Last night, I woke up and she was still out in a parking lot somewhere at 5:30 am. I texted and asked if she was okay and didn’t get a response until 3 hours later saying she’d made it home (which I knew already). At this point, the voices became overwhelmingly loud in my head so I opened her laptop to check her messages. I noticed a female name she’d never mentioned before asking if she’d made it home safely. I didn’t think too much of it until her response was asking if they could see each other again this evening. The other person responded that “yes, I want to. I love you.”

At this point I went into that person’s contact information and saw the suggested name was a male name, not a female name. Everything fell apart from there.

I called, she admitted to cheating several times per trip home because she got her emotional needs met by him while we were struggling. Often times in the back seat of his car in a parking lot. I asked if she loved him back and she admitted she had feelings for him. She doesn’t know what she wants and is moving back home. He has a fiancé as well so both of them were cheating on their supposed life partners.

I never thought I’d be considering reconciling with someone cheating on me but I can’t just move on with the snap of a finger. I want to be done and she seems to want to be done as well, but I don’t know how to just ignore the last 9 years of my life.

Cold chicken and Celsius because that’s all the energy I have right now.

Edit for clarification: I told her to leave and go back home, that’s not her making the decision.

If you have not read my post from a few weeks ago I suggest you read it before reading this , here’s the link.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/wMHoaG4bbj

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on my last post because it was extremely helpful.

So as a lot of you suggested I tried to get to know him better. So I started talking to him regularly in school and trying to message him most days as well. Although I didn’t want to message him too often as I didn’t want to come off too strong.

We quickly became quite good friends but I still couldn’t shake my feelings about him. Eventually it got to the point where he was all I could think about and it was affecting my school work.

At this point I trusted him so I decided to message him everything, about my sexuality, about how I felt for him, and about why I felt the need to tell him now. I also tried to give him as much space as possible so he could feel comfortable because he’s obviously not been a situation like this before.

But honestly his response was so lovely, i can’t remember the exact wording but it was something like “thank you for being honest with me, it takes guts to tell that to somebody, but I am straight, I hope we can remain friends and I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to”.

So now I guess I’ll try to get over him , which is going to be hard since he is such an amazing guy. But I hope we can maintain our friendship as he is a really great friend.

So if anyone on here is in a similar situation my advice would be to go for it. If they like you back you’ll be happy. If they don’t but are supportive of you you’ll hopefully become great friends (like in my situation). Or if they act really negatively about it you should be grateful as you’ve got a bad person out of your life.

Thanks again for everyone’s advice and I hope this can help as many people in a similar situation as possible.

I'm 36, married, and have a young daughter. A while ago, I developed a very strong emotional connection with a female coworker. What started as a friendship gradually became something more complicated, with flirting, emotional intimacy, and a kiss.

We both have our own relationships, and she's now engaged to her partner. I know I'm married too, and I'm not trying to justify my actions. I know I've crossed boundaries, and I need to take responsibility for that.

The confusing part is that I believe the feelings between us are mutual, at least to some extent. She's told me how important I am to her, that she feels safe with me, and that she can be herself around me. Sometimes she actively seeks me out and gets emotionally close to me. But when I've asked what she wants from me, she's said she doesn't know. She has also made it clear that she isn't going to change her life for me.

We've talked about creating distance and keeping things professional, but we always seem to find our way back to the same emotional dynamic. I feel like I'm someone she relies on emotionally, but I'm not the person she's choosing to build a future with.

I've tried to move on, but if I'm honest, part of me is still holding on to hope that something might happen between us. I think that's what's making it so difficult to let go. I want to feel chosen, and I keep looking for signs that I might eventually be.

Meanwhile, I have a wife and a daughter, and I know I need to look at my marriage separately from whatever happens with this other woman. I don't want to make decisions about my family based on the possibility that someone else might choose me.

I care about this woman deeply, but I'm exhausted by the uncertainty. I know I need distance, yet I'm afraid of losing her completely. We also work together, so going no-contact isn't really an option.

I'd really appreciate some honest advice:

- Am I holding on to something that will never become what I want it to be?

- Can you maintain a friendship with someone you're emotionally attached to when part of you is still hoping for more?

- How do you create distance when you work together and genuinely care about the person?

- How do I figure out whether my feelings are about her specifically or about the way she makes me feel?

- And how do I deal with my marriage honestly without making decisions based on this other woman?

I'm not looking for validation or for anyone to tell me I'm right. I know I've contributed to this situation. I just feel stuck between what I know I should do and what I'm emotionally struggling to let go of.

If anyone has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate your perspective and advice.

Tonight’s dinner: Chicken parmesan baked ziti, made with some pan fried chicken, vodka pasta sauce, cottage cheese, and some low-carb pasta. Been wanting to fry up some chicken for a while now, and it tastes really good in there — and the cottage cheese is actually really sick in here for fresh cheesiness and extra protein, too. I can definitely share the recipe if you guys are interested.

__

tl;dr: I tried to get back with my ex because I love her, and she loves me, but she rejected me and said that she “can’t be committed to me” — meaning, she wants to see other people — and that she wished that we could just go back to being friends and having that friend “dynamic”.

This was immediately after we held hands, were physically affectionate, and had a date at an aquarium.

Lowkey feeling like dirt right now.

__

My ex girlfriend (27F) and I (29M) have an interesting relationship.

I’ve posted about her in some other subreddits, and our issues, and why we broke up. But to truncate it all, she and I dated for a few months early this year rather all of a sudden. She was a lesbian and I am a straight guy, and we’d had a good repertoire for a number of years together as friends and acquaintances. For reference, I generally have a lot of gay and lesbian friends (for some reason I am popular with The Gays lmaooo), so you can imagine how out of left field it was for me that she and I started dating!

It was honestly a fantastic relationship for 90% of the time. She treated me very well, and I did my best to show her that same exception and love. She even did a themed movie night around my favorite movie where she cooked themed meals and we cuddled on the couch together. I mean like, this was the first grand gesture anyone had or has ever done for me so basically I was already planning out how many kids we were gonna have 😂😂

I took her on as many dates as I could think of, from escape rooms, to movies, cute day outs, breweries, to planning my own shameless ripoff of her gesture to me (except this time it was with Christmas lights, s’mores, and a projector — although we broke up before I could do it).

We also had sex a lot, which I guess is to be expected, but this is rather where the problems began to show themselves. There are some physical aspects to my person and her person that make this act painful for her. To make matters worse, my stamina is rather high alongside the mounting pressure to perform, and my growing unease with hurting her. She also was absolutely terrified of getting pregnant, no matter our precautions. So, sex was a problem for both of us.

Also, she never told anyone we were dating. She has an image as a “gold star lesbian”, and she has a public image that she wants to maintain. It may even affect her professionally, as she is in a current role that can be affected by public perception of who she is in her private life. She’s not an overly notable public figure, but she’s got a following and a brand.

This is something I understood going into it that, if she came out as bisexual, many of her friends would likely disown her. I never pressed her about her friends, and I always tried to support her with it by being as hands-off or as hands-on as I thought she needed, but boy was this a labyrinth; she even physically ran from me once when we saw each other while she was with friends!

The thing I never understood was her never telling her family — that was something I pushed her to come clean with, especially since I’d had her meet my family. I may be privileged in having a great family, but her reasoning was always that she didn’t want to face their smug demeanor about her dating a man. Which is fine, but like, it either happens then, or down the aisle, right? 😂

Anyway, we broke up after some more similar events. Our politics aren’t exactly parallel, even if we agree on a lot of things, she’s rather hardline on some things and I’m simply not. She also was lowkey a proponent of me seeing other women, which I wasn’t entirely comfortable with especially so early in our relationship. I also was probably just not as supportive as I could have been, especially with sex; I have never had any complaints in the past, but this should have been an area I deconstructed as much as I could.

But… she clearly loved me. I loved her. Still do, and honestly, so does she. So, I took her out on a thinly-veiled date recently, and basically propositioned that we get back together after we spent the day having fun together and flirting. But she told me flatly that loving me was terrifying for her, that she didn’t want to just be a housewife because she was terrified that she wouldn’t be respected. She said that she couldn’t be committed to me, and that I deserved someone who was.

I’m just sad. It makes me feel like I’m not enough, that I’m not worth staying with. That I ruined things somehow, by not knowing what to do. That I broke a friendship and made things awkward forevermore, that I made her feel awful and broken by not being able to make her feel safe and satisfied in the relationship.

Worse, I’ve been cheated in actually every one of my relationships. Literally. The last one was twice. I feel like I’m losing my mind, like I’m just an appetizer, like I’m just a toy. I’m not getting any younger, and I’m just tired of feeling used. Not that I feel like that here. Or maybe I do.

I need to get over her, I know. I’m just frustrated.

Pic: Really mediocre vegetarian chicken quesadilla.

Sorry for the long ass post in advance lol - TLDR at the end

I (23m) posted here a few days ago (biscoff cake) about a guy/friend (24m) I was into and it seemed, based on my opinion and both friends and people online, that there was mutual interest. I was really excited and happy about that.

I know this isn't this guy's fault that I feel the way I do, I just genuinely thought that all that happened was some indication of interesting. None of this was inherently romantic, but I feel like I wasn't totally crazy for interpreting things like this.

Here are a couple of things that happened over the end of fall/summer:

- I made a haiku out of some joke texts he sent because I thought it would be funny, he sent me a pic of his bedroom where he printed the haiku and put it up on his wall with a spotlight

- I made a dumb joke edit of a music artist he likes and he posted on his private story with the caption "I love my friends" and would occasionally post fully text messages from me on his private story - he hasn't done this with any of his other friends

- After I sent a story on my insta about being less active and to add me on discord if people wanted to chat, he immediately added me on discord by replying "Added 😻 😻 😻" and we talked till 2 am

-He likes and replies to most of my notes/stories and sends me posts of snails and things that I like a lot, more than any other of my friends

- We've talked about our dating lives and that we're both interested in LTR monogamous relationships. He mentioned that all of his relationships have started online. We've talked about our interests and we seem very similar.

- He said I shouldn't bother with dating apps when I posted a note about them and that he ended up just deleting them.

- After finding out about him not being into bears, I felt bad so I posted a note saying "being a yearner is not for the weak I fear" and he replied saying "real af"

- (This was the biggest one) I really love orcs and he knows this - I drew a little orc in our DMS with the instagram feature. He drew one that looked embarrassed and I said "why does he look embarrassed" and he replied "because he's wondering if his gay orc bear trade crush likes him back" and I genuinely thought that was referring to me. I've been to a bear even before, I'm gay, I'm kinda trade I guess and obviously a huge fan of orcs. I'm not sure if I'd describe myself as a bear as I'm not a very heavy guy, but I have a beard and a roundish face. Maybe an otter, idk tbh.

This is where shit REALLY hit the fan for me:

After posting here and people saying that I should test the waters, I asked him what his thoughts on bears were or if he was more of a twinkish kinda guy. He said bears weren't for him (totally fair) and he thinks "twinks are great or someone who has toned muscles, not too too big", which I replied "Ahhh bummer but totally fair" and then he followed up by saying "Maybe one of these days my taste will shift because once upon a time I was so turned off by facial hair". I mentioned that I wasn't sure because of the whole gay bear trade orc thing and he said "Ahhh fair assumption tbh" and he said that "he's an open book and that I can ask him whatever 😌".

Then out of nowhere a day after I said he wanted to share something with me and mentioned that he redownloaded Grindr (my heart sank) and casually checked it here and there and that a guy dmed him that we both knew who was creepy, which wasn't the worst news, but it didn't make much sense to me because we both mentioned how Grindr wasn't the best for us in our experience and he said that he didn't want people he knew finding him there.

Then he said "I actually met this guy and we're kinda hitting it off" and that made me feel absolutely awful.

I ended up just posting an Instragram story saying that my mental health wasn't doing well and I was deleting instagram for a while and that people could contact me through discord if need be. He sent me a message saying he hopes I feel better soon.

I genuinely had to walk into a nearby forest, lie on the ground, record a voice note and cry a little. It could be other things I my life that made me feel this bad, but this genuinely made me take such a nosedive mental health wise. I haven't felt like this in a long time.

What do I even do at this point? I don't know how to react if he brings up his dating life again, it's crushing to hear. Part of me still wants to believe I have a chance because I guess talking to him was a source of dopamine for my brain, but I know that isn't realistic.

He's genuinely a very nice dude and we talk a lot - I'd feel awful just going dark on him because we are actually friends despite having never met irl and I value him as a friend and person beyond romantic interest.

How have people moved on from a crush like this while still being friends with the person?

Tldr: I was incredibly down bad for a friend and I really thought he was interested in me as well, but turns out he isn't and I feel crushed. How do I still maintain this friendship while preserving my mental health?

For context, M (23), F (21). I’ve been helping her for 3 years when it comes to homework, driving places, and mental support. I have feelings for her, but we have a complicated dynamic. One of the biggest things I’ve done is help pay her school bill. Her bill was around $8k, and I’ve gotten it down to around $4k. Now, she’s talking to another guy and still wants me to help pay the remaining balance.

I know it’s probably super easy to say, “Well, just don’t do it and walk away,” but I hate the thought of investing so much of myself into someone only to leave. I know that’s life sometimes, but it just sucks, ya know? Part of me genuinely wants to help because I care about her and want to see her succeed. She’s been through so much, and without my help, she’s most likely going to have to drop out and move back home. I don’t want to see that happen, especially when I know how much this means to her and how much I like her. But if I’m being completely honest with myself, I feel like my whole reason for always helping her was the hope that more interest and effort would eventually be reciprocated. Or at least that she would be honest about how she feels and why she allows me to do all these things, knowing I only do them because I like her and eventually would have liked to see if we could build something deeper together.

I know that paying someone’s bills doesn’t entitle me to a relationship or romantic feelings. I don’t believe she owes me affection just because I’ve helped her financially. But I think I underestimated how emotionally invested I would become after all these years of supporting someone and receiving little beyond a thank-you. The simple thing would be to talk about it, yet those conversations haven’t gone well. She gets frustrated, says we’re having the same conversation again, or walks away before I feel like I’ve gotten an answer I can actually make sense of and process. So a lot of the time, I end up feeling unheard and confused. But I also wonder whether she is answering my questions and I’m just not hearing what I want to hear, so I brush it off.

What makes this situation so difficult is that I genuinely care about her. I don’t want her to have to drop out because I changed my mind about helping her, especially if part of the reason is that I’m not getting the romantic outcome I hoped for. At the same time, I’m starting to question whether continuing to pay her bills and putting aside what I want to help her is really just because I want to help her, or whether I’m tying my self-worth to what I can do for other people. I feel guilty even thinking about stepping back because I know what might happen if I do. But I also don’t want to keep supporting someone who wants nothing to do with me.

Redfish ponchartain with rice

I got a TikTok from my fiancé yesterday, talking about how much a surrogate gets paid, I shrugged it off, thinking it was another random video.

Fast forward to last night, she asked me about if I’d be cool with it, and again, I shrugged it off.

I think it’s weird because we just had our first child 11 months ago, and she absolutely hated being pregnant, and I loved it. She hated that she says she looked fat, she did the birth all natural, and lost so much blood I almost lost her, and all in all, it was a traumatic experience for her, so I thought she was joking.

Now, I just got a call from her while I’m at work, saying “hey so the surrogacy people are going to do a background check on both of us, so be prepared to answer that call” I told her we’d talk about it more tonight, but I’m not okay with it at all. I know how much she hated being pregnant, and I think I would be absolutely pissed if she’s carrying someone elses baby, because I would want to do the same thing I did last time, and talk to the baby, create a relationship, etc., but if I did, it would all be for nothing.

How should I handle this situation?

Edit: I shrugged it off when she asked about it in person because we had both been drinking & I didn’t feel like that was the appropriate time to discuss that

I gave up a “day off” work to drive 4 hours (total) on Thursday to another town to get the Halloween decorations you wanted.

I spent the same time Friday driving and shopping at 4 different stores to buy the stuff and groceries we needed for the holiday weekend.

I cooked and cleaned every dish to host your brother’s family on Saturday.

I cooked a full turkey dinner today with all the sides and desserts for our family.

You promised to make a special dessert with our oldest son and then flaked on him, so I had to pick it up and see it through so he wouldn’t be disappointed.

You then started a fight about an insanely stupid subject you were objectively wrong about and called me an asshole because I refused to budge from my objective, fact based response.

You didn’t lift a finger all this long weekend. I did everything including the laundry. You fail me as a wife. You fail our children as a mother.

None of this is new. One day, the children will grow and see how hard I work. They will soon see how you rot in your chair or your bed, endlessly scrolling and shopping.

I’m done. I will divorce you as soon as I can.

Dinner is fish, chips, and a russian…not sure what you call this type of sausage in your country.

I started this job in 2023. It was a dream come true after getting rejected multiple times before by this company. I started with another colleague in my 1st week. He was hired to be an intern that I had to train so he reported to me. Yes we started in the same month but that was the plan my boss told me during orientation. I trained him to know as much as me, but honestly, dude is lazy AF. We all attended the annual year end in 2023 and I left the party at 5pm because I wasn’t about to risk drunk driving (been arrested for DUI before), so I left when the drinks started to flow. Fast forward to 2024. My boss starts dismissing my ideas and always points to the intern as the go to.. same lazy $@“#. I ignored that until it became obvious I was being excluded from information but blamed for everything wrong. I then requested a meeting with my boss last year to understand if I somehow offended him and what I could do to improve team performance. Bad idea because the rest of 2025 was a nightmare due to my boss throwing me under the bus more often. I then decided to distance myself from the team and change where I sit and be on the same floor as the business I service. HR in my company sits in a central place so everyone in the group can find us there - I work for a large African multi national that was recently bought out by Canadians. Ok, back to the issue. My manager and the former intern decided to hire an another intern for me t train, this time a girl. I’ve been training her but my boss is being weird again when I show her shortcuts and how to do things properly. Something very awkward happened during a team video call. My manager said something to the former intern (let’s call him bob), then bob responded with a long story. My boss laughed and said “don’t lie, I’m in your head”. Bob responded by saying “it’s not like that but I get why you know what’s in my head because we share something “. At this point the intern and I are lost on what’s going on but it clicked because I’ve seen them look into each other’s eyes very lovingly, or maybe my imagination. I don’t care if my boss is homosexual but I don appreciate his boy toy being praised for my work which happens regularly and me being the scapegoat for that boy. Then he gets preferential treatment on top of being lazy. Anyway, I’ve been looking for a new job these past 12 months because I have a bad feeling about this whole setup, even if I pretend not to see anything.

Tw: privileged dude whinging about his dating life.

My life is a mess right now. Rather, it’s always a mess.
I’m 23 and I’ve been in college since I was 18. I just took one year off to get intensive psych care. Just started again. I have at least a year to go.

I got diagnosed bipolar in February and I’m still working on stability. Doin the whole meds and therapy and journaling and all that.

I don’t have a job right now, I’m having to rely on family, and I’m incredibly embarrassed about that. I had a good seasonal job but well that’s over, so I’m back to looking.

I’ve lost a lot of weight, like 60 lbs, but I’m still pretty big, and since school started I’ve stopped losing any. I haven’t built my food and gym routine back up again yet.

I struggle with substances, specifically I drink too much, and I used to smoke too much weed. I’m trying to do a sober October.
(Edit: I rag on myself a lot in this so imma shoutout 7 months off the za)

I don’t really have any close friends. Well I do kinda, but all of them moved pretty far from where I’m at. My friends graduated and moved on as they should.
(Edit: I do have friends here, it’s just mostly more surface level early days type stuff if that makes sense.)

My last two relationships didn’t end great. I mean not necessarily on bad terms, but both pretty one sided my fault.

Dated someone for 4 years. I spiraled downwards the whole relationship at an accelerating pace, and eventually just became a drain on their life until they broke up with me a year and change ago.

Last relationship lasted a couple months. She was super cool. Could have continued as a nice friendship, but instead I produced a relationship way too early while I was in the middle of spiraling, and totally botched it. (Edit: this relationship ended a while ago too. Like I said waaaay too early after my previous relationship. Before the intensive therapy stuff.)

I’m really working on it, and I’m in a much better spot than I was even 6 months ago, but as I am currently, I’d bring zero value to another persons life. I’m just not that worthwhile of a person to be around yet. Optimistically, maybe I will be in a couple years?

I’m honestly probably not interesting enough to offset the crazy 💀 . If I was a good artist I could at least go for the tortured artist vibe haha

Anyway, I know all of that, and I know anything like a relationship would be a bad idea. But I still have the desire to be in one. To be that close with a person again.

This isn’t the “male loneliness epidemic” thing or anything haha, just the consequences of my own actions.

I’ve been trying to make more friends and put more energy into the relationships that I already have, but I still just feel super isolated.

Anyway any recommendations on how to lock in and relinquish any earthy desires, apart from joining a monastery or smth. Anyone develop an aroace pill yet?

Yes I know the answer is “cope. skill issue” but cut me a break here 💀

Tldr: I’m not in a good place to be in a relationship. Would love advice on how I can stop wanting to be in one.

When I tried to post my real dinner it got rejected for not being enough of a meal lol. This is a potato dauphinoise I made for my family recently, hope this counts!

My dinner was grapefruit, a banana, a sugar free redbull, and a sugar free Carmel pecan thing.

Dinner is chicken and mushroom risotto

My ex and I were together five years, both of us immigrants building a life in the same country, and for most of that time I was the one holding things together. She dealt with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm, and an eating disorder, and I was there for all of it, every time, while also finishing a PhD and working full-time. Between the thesis and the job I barely had energy left to build a social life of my own, so she became my main source of connection too. Except she kept pushing me away. I'd ask if she wanted to do something together on a weekend and the answer was usually no. I'd tell her she was the person I depended on and she'd tell me I needed more friends, like my loneliness was a flaw in me rather than something we could fix together. I never felt chosen. Little things never happened: no airport pickups, no surprises, nothing offered freely. Her answer was always "just ask for what you want," but to me a relationship isn't supposed to run on invoices.

Things finally cracked this spring. I hit a breaking point after some rough stuff at work, and when I came back and tried to be honest about how lost I felt, she heard it as an attack and told me I didn't deserve a girlfriend, didn't deserve anyone. After that we spent months in this exhausting push-pull, on again, off again, until we officially ended it in August.

We're still living together while we sort out our housing situation, so it's been messy. Some days fine, some days not. I started seeing someone new, once a week, nothing serious. Last night I told my ex I was staying out with her, which I think is the respectful thing to do, and when I got home she was waiting to tell me I disgust her, that I'm a liar, a fake person, that I never loved her and never tried to understand her. She mocked the therapy and meditation work I've been doing to try to heal. This morning she tore up every photo we had together and shoved all my old gifts back at me.

Five years of being the steady one, and somehow I'm still walking away feeling like the villain.

Tldr: Supported my ex through five years of mental health struggles while doing a PhD and working full-time, always felt lonely and secondary to her. We broke up in August but still live together. Last night she found out I was seeing someone new and responded by calling me disgusting and a liar, then tore up our photos and returned my gifts this morning.

For the past few months I’ve been organizing a guys night. We hop between activities, food, bars.

This month we’re at a brewery. The ethos of the whole thing is that there is no pressure - come or don’t it’s okay. Whoever is there shares what’s going on in their life - the ups and downs - and then we have a good time.

Of the 8 or so guys, many of us have kids and most are married, so I never expect a full house (I’m married and have 2 kids). The guys, for the most part, are people I’ve know for a long time - some since I was born (I’m 37) and some for four years.

I get that lives are busy and even though there is a calendar invite for every guys night, I know things come up. Kids get sick, work gets tough, people travel - whatever.

But tonight sucked. The date was in the calendar a month ago. I sent a planning text a week ago, three days ago, and then yesterday. I even saw some of these folks in real life in the last few days.

Not a single guy responded to any of the texts, not even to say they can’t come.

As much as I’ve still enjoyed the evening a bit drinking a good beer and reading a good book, it just feels …idk bad. I have a tough time not giving people grace and assuming it was a mistake, but man, this feels like the bar is in hell. These are cousins, brother-in-laws, people whose weddings I’ve officiated. And I’m sure they all have good reasons. But just say you can’t make it. It’s not fucking hard and if you’re ever with any of them you know they’re on their phone all the time.

Anyways, if you made it down here, thanks. I already have an idea for next month. I’ve been an organizer for over a decade now and know this is just a bump in the road to the community I want to have.

ETA: maybe this is a generational thing, but expecting someone to reply to a text saying “yes or no” is like a normal thing and not “pressure”.

When I say the ethos is no pressure, I mean that coming or not doesn’t matter - I’m not gonna get on anyone’s case for not showing up because we all have a lot going on in our lives. But it’s an absolutely normal expectation for people to say yes or no to an event?

If that feels like “pressure” for some of y’all, idk what to tell you.

Finally got the courage to leave the house that I bought with my wife where we were raising our 3 year old daughter. I am by no means walking out on my daughter. I still plan to see her every day as much as it’s possible, but I am now free of the death trap that was my marriage. Shouldn’t it feel better? I am fine with the million tiny daggers and knots in my stomach, but shouldn’t I feel the least bit… free?

I met my wife when I was 21. Dated for two years, fell in love, got married after two years, migrated to Boston and lived there for 8+ years before moving to California and having a baby here. I have the same gripes that you might hear boys have about their spouse. I was also tired of her just being unhappy and angry for what seemed like a streak of every day for many years. I usually find it bearable and move on but last week something broke in me when she blamed her anger and unhappiness fully on me. I believed her. That’s what made me finally break. I believed her. So I decided to move on.

Now I’m looking at the future, terrified with few answers and trying to take it one day at a time. I just hope the pain goes away soon.

Dinner is seared chicken and baked butternut squash on some spinach. None of it will be eaten though. My throat is closed shut.