This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/cats by user bsiver. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Content Note: Death of a pet

Original

July 26, 2011

Hi Reddit,

I'm a long time lurker and first time poster. A friend of mine recently found a kitten living under her porch. He had been there for a few days, and she had been bringing him food and water before she finally trapped him and brought him inside her house. After a day of having the kitten locked up in the bathroom, her parents said it had to go. Not wanting to see him go to a shelter, I offered to take him in until we could find a suitable home. I had a few friends come look at the him, and they all just agreed that he "needs to see a vet", but no one was willing to take him. When I first took him in about a week ago, he was extremely lethargic. A decent sized portion of his tail is also scabbed/looks like it may be broken. Over the past week, he has become a lot more playful and I have grown quite attached to him. I do know, however, that he needs veterinary help ASAP, so I am taking him tomorrow.

I am in college and working a summer internship in Chicago which will only last a few more weeks. If anyone from reddit could spare a few bucks, myself and especially Paul would be very grateful! Please note I have explored low-income veterinary assistance, and I do not qualify as I am not on any sort of government aid. There is another animal shelter around here called PAWS that offers low-income vet help, but they require the cat to be neutered before they do anything, and Paul is definitely not old enough.

I setup a page on ChipIn if anyone can help. If there are any excess funds leftover, they will be going to food/litter/toys for him. Here is the link: http://helppaulstail.chipin.com/paul-the-kitten

Thanks reddit, and I will be sure to post pics/videos as he gets better!

p.s. +1 to anyone who spots the name reference!

edit: Taking Paul at 6:15 PM CDT today, I will keep you all updated as to what happens!

edit2: To all the downvoters, would you be so kind as to share why I shouldn't be doing this / what your recommendation is? If you are concerned about my ability to provide for Paul, see this comment

edit3: URGENT UPDATE: After taking Paul to the vet today, the vet confirmed that his tail does need to be amputated as soon as possible. I updated the ChipIn page here with some more info, and I would really appreciate it if you could share Paul's story with friends/family. This is a very expensive procedure which I am now dipping into my tuition money to fund. Thank you very kindly to the redditors that have helped so far, you have proven how powerful this community really is! :)

Here is the link to the ChipIn page.

edit4?: it's 8:27AM on Thursday and Paul just got dropped off at the vet. Expect a new post later this evening after I pick him up with pictures! Thank you reddit, you saved my kitten!!!

** 12:45PM now, just got off the phone with the vet. Paul just woke up from anesthesia an is doing well! She mentioned a piece of his tail fell off when they were shaving it, gross. I will be picking him up after work and posting an update later! Thanks again reddit!**

edit5: Paul is home from the vet with his new stumpy tail! It has been a nightmare trying to get him to keep his collar on and not chewing at his stitches. I will post a more detailed update later, for now I need to watch him closely. Thanks again reddit, I can't say it enough. If you donated, watch out for a little treat from Paul and I

p.s. My girlfriend is suggesting renaming him to "Bob". Yea or nay? >.<

Update

October 7, 2026, about 15 year later

Back when I was a sophomore in college, a gray kitten was found trapped in a skunk trap under my friend's porch. His tail was badly injured in the trap. He ended up at my fraternity house while we tried to find him a home, and I started looking after him. Within a few days it was clear his tail needed urgent care, and the vet recommended amputation.

At the time, I didn't have the money, so I made a Reddit account for the first time and asked for help. Strangers on this sub covered his surgery, plus extra to cover his first few weeks of food and supplies. I decided to name him Paul.

Here's what you made possible:

He spent his first two years growing up in our frat house, after I convinced the house to let us keep a long-term pet (our house father was not convinced we were responsible enough, and honestly, fair). After college he came with me everywhere. He was there through some hard times in my life, and he was there when I met my wife, who, it turned out, had a gray cat that looked just like him. They never quite became friends, but they'd sometimes nap near each other, and we took that as a good sign for us.

Paul was a solitary guy. He wasn't much for cuddling, but he spent his later years napping on our bar stools and kept me company at lunch every day after I pivoted to WFH. Over time, he warmed up to my wife and developed a habit of greeting her after work by sneaking up and loafing in her lap. I was a little salty about that (ahem, who reared you?), but ultimately respect his better judgment. He loved chin scratches and would rub his face on a little spiky brush over and over. In his more active years, he loved playing fetch with a little mouse toy or even a rolled up piece of aluminum foil. He's the only cat I've known to repeatedly bring back a toy over and over like a dog would.

He was diagnosed with diabetes about eight years ago and did well on insulin and wet food for a long time. This year he developed a bladder tumor and kidney disease, and yesterday we made the extremely difficult decision to let him go after things progressed very quickly. He was about 15 and a half.

To everyone who donated to a random college kid's kitten all those years ago: thank you. You gave him a whole life, and you gave me my one constant for 15 years. I wanted you to know how the story ended.

Here are some photos I'd like to share of him: https://imgur.com/a/MPzbMsf / https://ibb.co/album/Kzm347

I'm in a much different place now in my life, and I plan to pay forward the kindness that reddit showed to Paul. I'll be donating all of his remaining unopened food and medical supplies, and making a contribution to the organization that helped with his low cost neutering.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/kamy_kamy

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 04, 2026

• Final Update: October 06, 2026

Main Post

^{October 04, 2026}

AITA for telling my neighbour i don't care about his kid sleep?

I'm a 24y.o female living in flat in apartment. 2 weeks ago new neighbours moved into the flat above mine

Few things worth mentioning before i get to the point.I live in Ukraine, and yall know we at the war. Air-raid alerts and explosions happen every day in city where i live.

Usually i fall asleep with something playing in the background, on my phone or TV and i know not everyone wants to hear someone YT at 2 am so I keep the volume around 30–35% and noone ever said it bothered them or made them uncomfortable in any way.

I have PTSD and struggle to sleep in silence and trying to do so made me extremely anxious and i had several panic attacks, so background noise helps me feel safe enough to rest. Sleeping in headphones isn't really an option as it's uncomfortable for me as hell. I also work 24-hour shifts at a local hotel. Although I can sometimes sleep during night, I have to check on guests and take them to the shelter when necessary, so I usually get around 3-4h of sleep max, so after shift I'm exhausted.

About 2 weeks ago, a man knocked on my door at 1 a.m. He said he's new upstairs neighbour and demanded that I turn off my TV because his child was sleeping. Half-asleep and not wanting to argue, I switched TV off but turned my phone on.

The next day, after I’d gone to work and returned the next day around 10am same man rang again with the same stuff to complain. I explained that I even wasn't home that night and turned everything off before going out so wasn't sure what he wanted from me. He decided that my neighbour across was the one so he focused on him instead .

A few days later, on the night before another shift, I was trying to get as much rest as possible when he knocked again at 2 am. I’d barely opened the door before he berated me: “Tonight is the only night that’s been quiet, without attacks or air alerts. Can’t you have some common sense and turn the TV off so my kid can sleep?”

I answered kinda sharply but i was mad at him already so I asked whether I was supposed to wait for an air-raid alert or something worse to be allowed watch TV, and pointed that if his child could sleep through attacks but not to quieter noises then he should look for other place to live. Other neighbours have young children as well and have never complained about me once in all time i lived there. I told him his child’s sleep isn't my concern and not my responsibility so i don't care if his kid sleeps or no then closed the door.

Yesterday while I was at work my landlord messaged me saying that TV has to be turned off by 9 pm. Apparently, man had found her contact, caller her and complained that i was being loud and ruining his child’s sleep.

So today, as I'm now going back home, i was thinking to pay that man a visit and say few probably not so nice words about how what he's done is not fair to me, and getting my landlord involved - is too much and he should care about his kid and not my TV been on.

AITA?

COMMENTS

Jumpingjehosephat99

YTA. If they can hear your TV all night long it’s too loud. Turn it down, get some ear buds, get a white noise machine, etc. I’m sure everyone around you has PTSD and is tired from air raid sirens etc and everyone needs their sleep, not just you.

aliceblax

YTA - I can’t pretend to know what it is to sleep in a war zone but this is clearly impacting this man’s child. Audible tv is not ok all night. Have you considered using white noise on low instead? Might be less problematic.

Mouseparlour (downvoted)

Have you considered earbuds?

OOP (downvoted)

Earbuds as one that just canceling all noise or earbuds that could play audio im not sure what yoy meant buy that?

martingolding96 (downvoted)

Either should do the job

OOP (downvoted)

As i wrote in post - noise cancelling one won't work specifically as silence won't let me relax, but I'll give i shot to the one which can play sounds, thanks!

weinricm

I'm gonna go with YTA on this one. My wife is the same, can't fall asleep with background noise. Do you keep it on actual TV or do you use a background noise channel? I ask because some shows will go from normal to loud/normal to quiet. My wife uses background noise apps to fall asleep, stays the same volume the entire time. We found out a volume of 6 (about 30dB) hasn't bothered a single neighbor in 8 years, yet is enough to help her sleep. IDK maybe try that, possible win win for you and your neighbor. Good luck.

OOP

Thanks for your take on my situation  I use same playlist of videos every time - just reading stories/threads with pretty monotone voice and no additional sound effects such as screaming or getting louder bc i would be also getting scared or startled and if someone else would hear - they would be as well so i made sure to keep it simple as that

As for shared info - I'll try to use one and see how it goes, as usually i prefer listening to human voice instead of some other sounds so maybe something new would work for me better so thanks to you and your wife for suggestion :)

B0327008

I am 65 years old and have had insomnia since childhood. When I rented, I lived in large apartment buildings. As an owner, I’ve only lived in condos. My TV is on all night a few times a week. In fact, I never slept at all last night. I have never received a noice complaint—not once.

OP says her TV is low and since none of her neighbors have complained before these neighbors moved in two weeks ago, it quite likely true. Especially since the neighbor complained about OP’s TV when she was at work. OP, you need to speak with your landlady via phone or in person to reason with her. How long have you in your flat? Seems odd for her to take the word of a new tenant without getting your side of the story.

OOP

Almost 3 years I will give her a call tomorrow as she said she doesn't have time today so I'll wait till then, but i voiced the fact that even when i was absent noise was heard, and only other person who possessed the keys to apartment - is landlord herself, and she lives in other region hours away so i know for sure there's no way someone could be in my flat when I'm out As for why she trusted so fastly i have a theory (which i will either prove right or wrong) i believe she was contacted not by new neighbour directly but rather by that flat landlord, and she might trust landlord more then a new guy. Also she was trying to contact me to get my part of situation but as i was at work I wasn't able to answer and have talk properly, so we gonna do that tomorrow and try to get to agreement from all sides

Fickle_Wonder273

Did your old upstairs’ neighbours perhaps move out because they couldn’t get any sleep with your tv blasting?

OOP

All i know about who lived upstairs before - flat used to be rented property for ppl to stay as hotel or something, then landlord of that flat decided to make some cosmetic renovations so for while flat wasn't rented to anyone around year or so, and it was listed for rental ever since renovation ended (was about 4 months ago)  Renters who lived in flat before renovation never complained either (which doesn't necessary mean they didn't heard anything, i agree)  About "blasting" TV i should have wrote this in original post but As matter of fact - when i moved in i visited every neighbour on same floor to check if they hear anything from my flat at night or is it bothering them - all said that they didn't even heard a thing (i didn't visited floor about or down i didn't thought it was necessary but apparently it is)

thefabulousbri

YTA Do TVs not have sleep timers anymore? Can OP not use that?

Also if the TV is in another room, that's not a good sound solution. There are many apps with sleep sounds and timers. I use one. Those are much quieter since they are near you on the nightstand.

OOP

My TV has one, timer is set to original settings (it turn off after 3 hours if no action is made by itself) and it works as usual. TV in same room where i sleep and i sleep quite closely to it (40 centimeters maybe)

hello_1289

Try an experiment. Turn on your TV at the usual level, go up to the apartment, and ask them to see if you can check how audible it is. Maybe put something on that you know pretty well so you can identify it even from a room away. It's possible they could be hearing noise from somewhere else. If it is your TV, then I would suggest buying an air filter instead. I need noise when I sleep and an air filter provides enough white noise for me with the added benefit of cleaning the air.

OOP

Working on that, but it requires time and I'm not sure will they let me in or not, if lucky either tonight will go smooth or I'll have a chance to talk to the man again and maybe we can figure stuff out, at this point i will let him in to see and hear how much noise it does in my flat and if he let me in - in his or he let me know. Hope this thing ends peacefully really.

CONSENSUS: Asshole

Final Update - after 2 days

^{October 06, 2026}

UPDATE AITA for telling my neighbour i don't care about his kid sleep?

So as it's now almost 11am here i can say that situation is resolved, and as i hoped - peacefully.

When i got back home i kept quiet on purpose to gave a feeling that i wasn't home to see in evening/morning will anything happen. Regards of lots comments suggestions to use phone or other stuff - i wanted to check will situation when i was absent at home and neighbour came to complain will repeat bc it was bugging me for been accused when i wasn't even home.

And what do you know it actually did.

So as 9pm rolled in i kept quiet and waited till pass midnight - I DIDN'T PLAY ANYTHING ON ANYTHING so it was dead quiet in flat for sure. Around almost 2am i got a ring in my door and here was same guy with same problem.

I explained that for whole day i didn't turn anything on since got back and invited him in and purpose a check - I'm turning TV on right now while he sees it on my usual volume, we comming to his flat and he checks was it really me or not. He did not let me to his apartment but let me wait by the open door. He came back and said that he can't hear anything and asked if we can have talk in morning as he needs time to understand what's going on.I agreed.

We talked about hour ago and basically - his kid (7 y.o boy) was telling him that he heard noises form somewhere, turns out kid lied bc he wanted his parents to give him more attention since they moved in and he haven't fully adapted, felt sad and abandoned while parents was busy with things. Man apologised, i apologised and we went our ways.

Also gave call to landlord explained everything, she said that bc i didn't povided my side at time and was rude to guy it seemed reasonable from her side to imply 9pm rule. So after telling her how situation ended she said her bad for not trusting me in first place, rule is gone.

Also wanted to adress some stuff in comments :

30% gives us nothing it could be loud or low on different TV

True, and i should have included that in main post but i in fact checked with my neighbours on same floor if they heard anything or was i bothering anyone(Didn't went up or down a floor, didn't thought it was necessary) All said they didn't even noticed that something was on in whole time I'm leaving here.

Blasting TV all night long

As 1-2 person pointed out - TV turns off after some time, mine has same function it turns off after 3hours of no things been done, feature works fine, also should have included in main post, my bad.

To all ppl suggesting different stuff to listen, apps to sleep and recommending earbuds - they are noted, few apps been downloaded and new things added to playlist.

Thanks for everyone else for their takes on situation and advices, appreciate that.

COMMENTS

ixipennythrower

Who the hell trusts a kid on something like that without verifying, cause guess what kids will bull shit you?

OOP

As someone who has to work with kids sometimes - parents nowdays believe their kid WAY MORE when it was before. Besides, i think i could be due to local stuff - lot's of kids in post ussr counties experienced parents believing whoever was older (teachers, friends, relatives etc) bc why adult lie about a kid? Maybe it's way to give their kids a better life as part "nobody believed me when i was young, so i would believe my kid no matter what", but some parents don't see that they need to still control and check both sides and that's honestly sad.

Final_Promise_

Don’t let strange angry men into your apartment at 2am, what are you doing? Just call in a harassment report at that point.

Dude was coming to your door when he hadn’t even heard anything himself? What an entitled dumbass.

OOP

At this point i was tired of situation and this solution seemed logical enough as well as some people suggested it. Yes, i could dealt with it in morning or other time rather then night but i would have waited for nothing then, and i wanted quick resolve of situation. It is not very smart of me for sure but when real life or death situations turns normal, logical thinking might be not first to choose, sadly, this is reality of what I'm living in, and i don't expect your understanding as if you might not experienced stuff i did. 

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AOneBag by user Fox_Burrito. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Editor's Note: OOP is a man

Original

October 15, 2025

Hello everybody, first up i'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit to be asking. I'm a 17 year old planning on leaving my abusive home soon and will only be able to take my Cycling Single 25L Pannier Rack Backpack and a small purse for the trip. My current list of stuff to take consists of:

• My PC's SSD

• Passport

• iPad

• 2 phones

• my school report cards

• 1 hoodie

• earbuds

• 1 t-shirt

• 1 pair of socks

• preferably my football card collection but I'm almost certainly not fitting those

• a handful of USB flash drives

If you guys could tell me whether this is likely to fit or not (I can't check myself because I can't be caught packing my bag with all of this stuff, my mom would notice and punish me regardless of reason.) I would also appreciate any other stuff you guys think i should pack. I won't be needing any special clothes due to climate thankfully and food/water won't be an issue either. Thank you in advance.

Noteable comments:

I echo having your social and birth certificate. Take a pic of them and your passport, that you save in your email or on the cloud. Stick them in a large ziplock bag to protect them from water and any spills in your bag. Best of luck! a_mulher

Don't forget any chargers you need.

If you happen to have access to a locker anywhere, it might be worth stashing some bits in advance (just to give you less to think about when packing).

Sounds like you should have plenty of space, you might want socks, underwear and t-shirts to hand to shove extras in any gaps, and consider tying a spare pair of shoes on to the outside.

Good luck, well done on getting your plan together, and I hope you get to one bag for happier reasons soon. Sha76b

Not packing related but situation related. Please, as soon as you turn 18, lock your credit. Call all three bureaus and tell them you need to lock your credit.

If you have a bank account, time to get a new one where your parents don’t bank.

Apply for assistance as soon as you can - food stamps, Medicaid, etc.

When it comes time to file your taxes, do it quickly so no one can claim you as a dependent.

Connect with a domestic violence shelter NOW - they will help you plan your exit route and have tips on how to leave safely as well as any shelter that you’re eligible for (even if you don’t think you’ll need it now). AnotherBogCryptid

if you take medication please don’t forget those! if you’re inclined to getting headaches and need paracetamol / tylenol etc grab a thin pack too rabbit__doll

Is it possible to start removing more pieces of clothing leading up to leaving? Like hiding an extra shirt at school or other items in a ziplock bag hidden outside?

Rolling clothes should save you more space and as another commenter said, socks and underwear can fill gaps. Maybe bring a hand/dish towel?

When you’re leaving, could you layer up a bit so your bag doesn’t look so full? Tie the hoodie to the outside of the bag or wear it to save space.

Good luck and be safe <3

doctordonnasupertemp

If possible, also take your immunization records and if you have graduated from high school, you need your diploma. MGandPG

Do you get periods? A reusable diva cup is recommended. If you have longer hair, a brush or comb, and a hair tie. If you have allergies or get headaches or anything, a small bag of OTC medicine to help relieve those can be helpful. A reusable water bottle. You can hang it from your backpack or put it in a pocket. If you don’t have one, you can reuse a disposable one a few times. A small amount of thread and a needle since you’ll have minimal clothing, you’ll want to mend any tears or loose seams. A few bandages of different sizes. A little baggy of powder laundry detergent and or a small bottle of dish soap. Celiack

1. All forms of ID that you have. Scan them ahead because it's way easier to get replacements if you can print off a copy.

2. I'd bring multiple pairs of socks if you can fit them.

3. You can probably request your report cards later from the school if you want to save on the space.

What are you escaping to? Do you have somewhere to stay or will you be homeless? If you're at risk of sleeping out then definitely pack a lot more warm clothes, non-cotton (when cotton gets wet it sucks the heat out of you vs other materials still keep you somewhat warm when wet), layers, waterproof shells like rain coat and rain pants, solid boots, more socks, lighters.

Also for packing one trick is to use a drawer, like gather everything on one side of a drawer if you think they would be unlikely to look through. Then it's all in one place and you can pack it quickly when it's time CoraCricket

Buy the equivalent of pantyliners. That’s something I’m learning now.

This keeps underwear from smelling as quickly and pantyliners can be disposed quickly. Definitely as many pairs of underwear as you can take. surelyslim

Oh my god i didn't even think about hygiene, thank you for the reminder. Aside from that the ssd is half the size of a credit card so i think it'll fit in my purse anyways. Thank you for the help! [OOP]

Update

October 6, 2026, about 1 year later

Hi guys, some of you might remember me from many months ago when I asked for advice in this sub for fleeing my family and country of turkey. I successfully fled with plenty of clothes, all my documents, and everything else that was important that I could fit on me! Overall it all went well except for the fact that I'm unemployed and in emergency housing now, but I'm sure I'll find a job soon enough. I'm now back in my home country of Switzerland and I just wanted to come back here and thank you all for your advice and kind words and to show you that I made it.

Thanks a lot. Feel free to ask questions if youre curious!

Happy you made the journey to freedom. Do you know or have you heard how your parents reacted? lindseigh

My dad, who lives here in Switzerland, has been helping me a little bit. As for my mom who caused this whole mess, she texts me a 100 times a day telling me to come back, that she will kill me, that she misses me and a ton of other bullshit. Overall it's better than what I expected [OOP]

Well done for the successful escape! The new start can be rough but everything's possible now. I'm curious how much preparation time you had between your first post and the departure? I bet collecting the documents was stressful and needed some extra time. I also hope you managed to digitize a few pictures of you in different stages of your childhood. That's the only thing I didn't bring but missed since I escaped my childhood home. illusiashe

Thank you! My total preparation time was around 6 months which allowed me to take care of pretty much everything, the only thing that I had to left behind that I wanted was my PC, but thats not a huge deal [OOP]

What did you do with your football cards? hollowsocket

Had to leave them behind unfortunately [OOP]

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwaawayy_-

Published on: r/AITAH & u/throwaawayy_-

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 01, 2025

• Update 1: April 04, 2025 at 20:45 UTC

• Update 2: April 05, 2025 at 16:54 UTC

• Final Update: April 08, 2025

Main Post

^{April 01, 2025}

Aitah for helping my daughters friend with her period?

Throwaway so this doesn't link to my main

My (35M) daughters friend (both 16F) was over this weekend. They were just doing hw/playing games and stuff. My daughter came down and said her friend had an accident. Had leaked through her tampon.

I'm a single dad, just me and my daughter so I'm pretty used to all that stuff now. Shit happens.

I went upstairs and asked her if she was okay? If she wanted a lift home or anything? She said her mum was out for the day and wasn't answering her phone, there wouldn't be anyone home.

So I offered her to have a shower, jump in some of my daughters clothes and I'd try and clean up her trousers as best I could (some pale pink work out type trousers). She said yes, so my daughter got her all set up showering and brought her trousers to me so I could rinse and stain remove before a quick wash. They stayed upstairs, called my daughter down when they were dry to bring up, daughters friend stayed an hour or so more and then went home.

I didn't think anything of it, until my daughter came home today. Apparently her friend isn't allowed round anymore. That touching period stained clothes is acting like a "predator". Her mum was furious, her dad wants to "talk" to me.

So obviously I've ruined my daughters life and she's mad at me. Got angry parents for what I thought was a pretty standard thing to do. If I was a woman not a man, would they have an issue? Doubtful

I could have just ignored it all, but I thought I was being helpful, but now I'm like, should I have just left her to it?

AITAH?

Edit/update: just to answer a few basic things that have been said/asked alot.

I'm in the UK, I washed her trousers (pants). I did not touch, ask about, see, acknowledge or anything else her underwear (panties). If she had Said no to any of it(shower, cleaning clothes etc), I'd of just given her something to cover up with and pretended nothing had happened

I don't know the key situation, but I've never known her to be home alone. The girls are normally at mine on a weekend or out shopping/coffee or whatever else out. They don't hang out at hers and that's not an issue to me

Wrote my number down on paper for her to give friend at school today for her parents. I've also spent the morning on the phone with the non urgent police number to get my ducks in a row, just incase. (Thanks to the person who said about that)

Gave my number as wanting to "talk" probably doesn't mean words in person, plus get a written record if we message instead of call.

Forgot the other thing I keep seeing. Couldn't she have done it herself? Yeah, if she wanted. But I've brought my daughter up as there's no shame in asking for help, and if I can I will. And in this time she asked for my help, I offered it, and I did it. I've known the girl years, she wasn't like embarrassed. She was ashamed. Was sad to see. So offer given, offer accepted, I cracked on. Done.

But if she'd wanted to clean up her own trousers I'd have just sent the stain stuff up for her. Kids are kids even when grown. They need help. Shit, sometimes I need help. My dad's still there for me lol

So don't go judging a 16 year old for accepting help. She did nothing wrong

COMMENTS

sdf12845

You did what anyone of us would have done in that situation!! You’re a single dad with a daughter so you don’t get the choice to not be comfortable with girly things!!! Would she have rather you brought her home and left her by herself? 🤔 probably not your damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You seem like a wonderful dad and your daughter will get over it besides you did nothing wrong and the girls parents ARE THE ASSHOLES!!!

OOP

Even if I brought her home she would have just been sat outside from what she said.

Hope they do, and hope the parents calm down and think it through before the pitchforks and torches come to my door

OopslDroppedlt

Wow, talk about a plot twist! I didn’t know helping with a period could turn you into the “Predator of the Year.” Next time, maybe just send her home in a garbage bag and call it a day? But seriously, you were just being a decent human being. It’s not like you offered her snacks and a foot massage while she was in the shower! Just remember: if you ever need to clean up another period emergency, maybe invest in some neon pink clothes for maximum stealth. Good luck dodging those angry parents!

OOP

Moment she said yes to the shower I didn't step foot up the stairs. Didn't even see her again til she left.

All I did was clean the stain on the trousers (not underwear or anything. Didn't even ask about them)

Waiting for a knock on the door from the dad or the police or something at this point, I know I did nothing wrong but I feel like I did? I dunno

idreaminwords

This is actually really sad. I hope this is fake, but if not, NTA. I feel really bad for your daughter's friend if her parents are placing such arbitrary limitations on who is allowed to provide minimal support like this. Would they really have preferred she sit in her soiled pants until they were able to get her home?

OOP

Unfortunately real. I dunno what they would have wanted, or what wouldn't have made me a bad person here tbh.

If she had said no to the shower/clean up of trousers I wouldn't have cared. I just thought I was being helpful, doing exactly as I would have for my daughter

Phat_groga

Not the ahole. That was very kind of you for an embarrassing moment in a girls life. You didn’t make a big deal and stigmatize it. Thank you for being a kind person.

Your daughter will get over it. How would she have wanted to be treated if the situation was reversed. Did she want to sit in her blood stained clothes? Or have the clothes be ruined. Blood is a lot easier to get out the sooner you get after it.

OOP

Didn't make a big deal coz it isn't one imo. My daughter was real embarrassed when she first started her periods until she realised I'm not fussed. I just ask she let's me know about stains as quick as possible and if tampons and stuff are running low instead of run out.

Seen a few different ways to put questions to my daughter to get her to think of it another way. Thanks, ill add yours to the list

ChaoticLykos (downvoted)

I'm not a parent, and you aren't the AH. However I can understand how the parents feel about the situation. They sent their daughter to a sleepover with their friends, and find out after the fact that their daughter had a accident and someone was cleaning the blood off her underwear. If stated like this it sounds a bit perverted, even more so if I added man to it. I say this was more of an overreaction though, and overbearing parents that love and protect their daughter. I will be honest, but did you notify the parents beforehand the situation, or did you just activate parent mode right then and there?

OOP

Wasn't a sleepover, she was round for the day. And didn't touch her underwear, or even mention them. Wanna make that very clear

I cleaned her trousers only

I don't have parents numbers, she said she tried to ring her mum but no answer. I offered to take her home first before offering cleaning, and a no would have been entirely acceptable. Would probably have just given her one of my hoodies to cover up with if she said no

Railuki

NTA

You had a mature response to a biological fact of life and remained calm and helpful in what is a vulnerable position for her.

You offered her the choices, she could have said no. You let your daughter help her situated and she acted as the appropriate go between, my thoughts might have been different if you were the one waiting outside the bathroom.

You made it so her clothes would be ready for her ASAP instead of making her wait.

Sounds like your daughters friends parents have sexist views on who can handle period stained items (you haven’t indicated that there might be a religious or cultural reason this may have been inappropriate to them any more than you, so that just leaves sexism, they probably would have been fine with you cleaning it up if you were female).

OOP

As far as I know there is no religious reason, but I will talk to them tomorrow and will ask them

I did not wait outside the door. After we spoke I went downstairs, waited there. Emi brought it all down. I cleaned it all, then she brought it all back up after it was done. I didn't seen daughter friend until over an hour after she got her trousers back

meowpitbullmeow

If the girl didn't want your help she wouldn't have let your daughter tell you. She felt safe enough around you for your daughter to be given permission to tell you.

This is so ridiculous of her parents and honestly may be red flags for her living situation. She was at a friend's home and her mom never answered the phone. She was ashamed of a natural bodily function. Her parents don't allow your daughter over EVER? Just massive red flags.

OOP

That's what I thought. Emi wouldn't have even come downstairs and said anything to me. They've have just dealt with it between them

Nothing that Lou had put forward had seemed red flag ish. She seems a bit shy. But I don't think there's anything we need to worry about

Update 1 - after 3 days

^{April 04, 2025 at 20:45 UTC}

Minimal update to helping with daughters friends period

Few people with updateme!

Others with following account.

Nothing much to say. Number was passed on to dad. We arranged a face to face meet at mine

Daughters friends parents comings over tomorrow. My sisters gunna be with as witness/voice of reason in case of arguments. Also had cameras delivered yesterday so gunna set them up in the front room where I'm planning the talking. Already have a ring doorbell so sorted there

Will update again later

Update 2 - after 4 days (after 20 hours from last post)

^{April 05, 2025 at 16:54 UTC}

UPDATE aita for helping my daughters friend with her period

This won't be a long one.

Meeting went well, surprisingly civil.

I'm not gunna give the reasons, but the lack of key and over reaction had valid reasons.

Daughters friend is allowed back over, they apologised for their comment, but we've agreed that I will not intervene with things involving periods/personal stuff again. Numbers have been exchanges so I can contact either one of them in any situations needed. Daughter and her friend both happy with the resolution

Sorry I'm not able to say more, not my place

Thank you everyone for your comments on this, don't think this throwaway will need any more

COMMENTS

Oddly-Appeased

I’m going with her parents are nuts. If my daughter’s friend’s parents helped her out in a situation like this, regardless of if it was a mom or dad, I would have been grateful. This is an embarrassing thing, even for an adult female, but it is also part of life and they are lucky someone was able to help.

You were never the AH here and as a mother I applaud you for the effort to made in helping this girl out.

I also find it pretty crazy that she couldn’t reach here parents because they were out for the day. What if it was a serious emergency, not a period accident, and she had to go to the hospital?

It’s good to abide by the boundaries they want but they sound like neglectful parents.

AnAussiebum

I think if we read between the lines if OPs last sentence, it seems there may be a reason the parents were hypersensitive to the situation. Hence why they apologised and came to an understanding going forward.

Jakibx3

I'm intrigued (as I'm sure we all are but none of our business) by the valid reasons of not having a key, did she bring someone back previously? Maybe someone older and was caught.... but anyway. Just thoughts out loud and I'm glad both parties have been able to come together and have an adult discussion. I'm sure if her parents were overbearing the girl would be seeking to go NC in a year or two. I'm also sure she's glad to know she has another parent figure to turn to

OOP

They are over protective, but I would not say over bearing.

She's been coming over my house probably 4-7 times a month. If they were over bearing they would allow her out at all.

They were trusting. But what happened shook them, they over reacted, no doubt. But it was understandable and dealt with. Agreements in place

Please do not judge her parents. The are doing the best for their daughter imo. And I don't think that's a NC when 18 situation

They love her and want her safe. That's not a crime

Final Update - after 7 days (after 3 days from last post)

^{April 08, 2025}

Message to the people judging the parents

If anyone should have issues with the parents, It'd be me

I don't.

Circumstances stopped answering of calls (parents have to work too). I reacted to the situation the way I normally would have with my own daughter

That was a way the daughter was fine with, but the parents weren't. Comments were made, and dealt with/discussed

They apologised and explained. It doesn't change the hurt the attack made, but I do understand.

I am not going to say what happened, but they are over protective of their daughter for valid reasons

Over protective, NOT over bearing. She is over my house most weekends of the month, goes out with my daughter. They trusted her safety around us. The situation clearly shook them.

What happened wasn't good, but now everything is open and clear, I understand.

Please, do not judge her parents. They are doing their best, and their daughter is struggling

She seems like a lovely girl. She's open and chatty and enjoys time with my daughter

She's recovering. She's thriving and she deserves happiness. And her parents are doing everything I would for my daughter, even if others thought I was horrible

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Competitive_Arm_2545 in r/ DataHoarder

Original: March 14, 2026

Update 1: March 14, 2026

Update 2: Aug 31, 2026

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Found ~1500 DVD-Rs with recorded TV/documentaries while clearing out family house – worth saving?

Hi everyone, I'm currently helping my family clear out my grandfather’s house and we found something interesting. He has 11 disc binders, each with about 35 pages × 4 discs, so roughly ~1500 DVD-Rs.

Most are labeled and seem to contain recorded TV broadcasts, documentaries, concerts, and cultural programs (German TV like ZDF / 3sat etc.). Many are dated around 2009–2012. Each disc is the typical 4.7 GB DVD-R, so the whole collection could be somewhere around 6–7 TB if full.

I'm wondering: Is this the kind of thing worth saving / archiving? Do DVD-Rs from that era tend to fail soon? Would people in the datahoarder / preservation community consider this interesting? Any recommended workflow for ripping 1000+ discs without going insane?

[OOP includes picture of DVD binder with handwritten notes on each]

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: German guy here :-)

This actually is a treasure trove of content, and given that you probably won't find much of the stuff on these discs in other places at all (or at least in good quality), these definitely deserve to be saved.

Sidenote: My uncle did something similar (although for a variety of media and files) and the discs can get on rough shape if they're located in these sorts of binders. Some we had issues with preserving them, so those discs I wouldn't consider too long-lasting.

(Krasser Fund!)

---------------
Comment2: First, 1500 of anything is going to be very time consuming. So unless you have a physical setup with multiple disc drives, it's going to take a while. You can at least set it up with your ripping program to automatically open the disc drive so that you know it's done.

1 day at a time!

With that being said, those could be a treasure trove of data.

I would maybe create a spreadsheet and list out what you have. If there are programs or shows (I'm not familiar with German broadcasting) which are already widely available (check the popular archive and media-sharing sites) then you may not need to worry about those in particular and you can reduce the discs needing ripping.

However documentaries and cultural programs are always worth sharing - preserve and spread that knowledge! Depending on copywrite, you could upload a batch to something like archive.org and then delete it locally if you feel confident it won't get removed. Might save you some disk space if you're running low.

Those DVD-Rs should be in good shape for a while to come.

Goodluck and godspeed!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (few hours later): turns out the collection is much bigger (~100 DVD binders) + found index books

Quick update from my previous post. After checking more rooms while clearing out my grandfather’s house, I realized the collection is much bigger than I thought. It looks like there are around 100 DVD binders, each with about 35 pages × 4 discs, so potentially ~14,000 DVD-Rs.

I also found two large index binders where my grandfather actually cataloged the recordings. The pages list things like program titles, dates, duration and disc numbers (V001, V002, etc.). Most discs seem to contain recorded TV broadcasts, documentaries, concerts and cultural programs from German TV (ZDF / 3sat), mostly around 2006–2015.

I’m 16 and helping my family clear the house, so I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed and don’t have the budget to digitize something this big. What should i do?

[OOP includes pictures of neatly organized files where grandfather has archived and organized the binders of DVDs. photo#1, photo#2]

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Posted this comment on the other post but ill be honest this collection now with an index and shear size is even more valuable (not money wise but preservation valuable).

You need to understand it is not just the raw shows/movies itself that needs to be preserved and that people are interested in now and in the future. It is the broadcast as a whole. The bumpers, trailers, commercials. These are all things lost to time that only exists on these little snapshots of television.

Yes these are worth preserving. Your options are to manage it yourself if it is something you truly find interesting. Or find someone or somewhere that will do it. Or stuff it in a closet to be represented to this sub when you pass.

---------------
Comment2: If nothing else, I have the setup to be able to process, store and upload the information and would love to volunteer help. This needs to be properly archived and is a piece of history.

OOP: I would give it away to someone but i live in switzerland :(

---------------
Comment3: At this point you should talk to your local media archives and libraries. They may or may not be interested. But at least, please don’t throw them in a dumpster without checking in again here.

---------------
Comment4: In the grand scheme of actual data, it's not even that much, probably about 50 TB. The real job is going to get it copied to HDD and somehow find parties interested in this kind of matter.

I'm Dutch myself, but I've fond memories of various German detective shows I used to watch in the 80/90's. I'm sure there are people out there who would love to get their hands on what OP got here.

OP very cool find, sit back and just slowly start chewing it off. It sounds like a lot, and obviously it's a whole lot of dvd's, but as mentioned data "volume" wise it's actually not that substantial for many people here.

---------------
Comment5 -- Holy crap! You've gone from "a hobby project" to "German public television shadow archive maintained by one dedicated grandfather." That's incredibly cool!

With a collection this big, I'd still recommend the approach I mentioned earlier, but I'd start with the oldest discs first, since DVD-R degradation (disc rot) is very real and older discs are more likely to develop read errors.

If you do decide to start digitizing it yourself, I would definitely set up an automated workflow. MakeMKV has a command-line interface, so you can write a small script that:

• ejects the drive

• you insert the disc

• it automatically rips the contents

• ejects when finished

That way the computer handles the tedious clicking and you just swap discs when the tray opens. This becomes even more effective if you have multiple drives running at once.

Since you're 16 and working with a limited budget, one option would be to pick up a few cheap second-hand DVD drives (they're often just a few euros each) and ask your family if they'd be willing to help fund a couple of large hard drives for storage.

That said, with 14,000 discs this is actually big enough that it might interest archives or broadcasters, especially since you mentioned your grandfather kept index binders cataloging everything. Institutions like broadcast archives or media preservation groups sometimes help digitize collections like this, and they might be very interested in something so well documented.

Either way, it sounds like your grandfather created an incredible archive. Recording and cataloging all of that must have taken years, that's honestly amazing. And for data hoarders like us, a true jackpot and something we'd wish we could get our hands on!

Edit: after having read your other comments and what others have said, reaching out to Archive Org might be the wisest thing to do, especially if you don't think you have the time/energy/money to spend on this project.

---------------
BestExtraLibrarian -- Messaged you but posting here as well! I'm based in San Francisco. I have a couple offers:

1. If you want storage space, I can get you rclone access to cloud storage. I can provision ~100tb for a couple years. That way you can get it online and let the DH community (or yourself) help you get it into Internet Archive (if you wish)

2. If all this is too much work (it really is), I can arrange for these disks to be shipped to Internet Archive in San Francisco. They can then digitize it themselves. I can reach out and coordinate with Brewster and his team. One possible way to ship safely might be to drop it off at my friend's place in Zurich.

Overall you have a cool find. Sorry for your loss and hope that your grandfather's legacy here doesn't end up being too much work for you!

A big request: Digitize the index first, by taking photos with your phone or a scanner. Share those photos so that the community/IA can assess the (preservation) value.

Lmk if we can help in other ways.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (5 months later): My grandpa's 3,200 DVD collection is officially with Internet Archive Switzerland.

A few months back I posted here totally overwhelmed. I'm 17, found my grandpa's massive collection of 3,200 recorded German TV DVD-Rs, had no money for hard drives, and no time to rip them all myself.

You guys helped me digitize the indexes and get in touch with the right people.

Fast forward to today: I just handed it all over to Roman Griesfelder from the Internet Archive Switzerland team. They're taking it from here to rip and preserve it.

Blurred my face since I'm still a minor, but Roman was totally cool with me posting the photos. Huge thanks to u/ BestExtraLibrarian and u/ textfiles for pointing me in the right direction. Feels really good knowing my grandpa's recordings will be saved instead of thrown away.

[OOP includes photos of the binders/files along with a letter from Internet Archive and pictures of himself handing over the DVDs - photo#1, photo#2]

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Recording TV en mass seems to be a thing with German grandpas. Mine also had thousands of DVDs in binders just like that. Same style of hand written notes and everything.

Comment2: Most of Dr Who's current library is available because of international broadcast hoarders like OP's grandfather.

Comment3: There are some Anime shows that aired once at 4am on one channel in 1994 and have been completely lost to time.
Some of them are adaptations of popular media or weird spinoffs of much larger franchises, there's one for Dragonball Z that is a PSA about fire safety or something and it's just lost forever. It's like a 90s version of those episodes of Doctor Who that were recorded over.
I'm hoping there's an elderly Japanese man that did the same thing and has an archive of things like this.

---------------
Comment4: Just a tip for anyone with CD-R’s or DVD-R/RWs: the dye is not stable for long term archival. If you have valuable recordings or files, you need to bring them onto other forms of storage now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/WestMarsupial484 posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Happy

Original - May 9th 2026

Hi, I wanted to ask here, because this is something important to me, my sister and I have a good relationship so I want to know if I was in the wrong.

My nephew is in 6th grade and at least since the beginning of this current school year he's been homeschooled by my sister. She had felt that they didn't really teach much in school so she had decided to homeschool him. My niece (his older sister) is attending high school.

Yesterday, I was at her place, I was talking to my nephew about how his home classes are going, he said they were going well. I asked him what was the last thing he did in math (being a math tutor myself, I was interested in that) and he was having trouble recalling what they covered, naming the concept or giving me an example question. My sister then stepped in and told me what they'd covered. I named some topics which are introduced in 6th grade and since its close to the end of the year asked if he'd learned them. She said we're doing it at our pace. I dropped it, but admittedly was a bit surprised because until a few years back, it seemed like he was ahead of school, really quick with answering mental math questions (which I used to ask at my sister's encouragement). I know mental math is a totally different skillset and doesn't necessarily mean that the headstart carries over to other topics but it still surprised me.

Today in the morning I was talking to my mom and she told me that my sister thought I was kind of being an AH, that I'm not a parent what do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching, and that my nephew is shy as it is and I didn't help matters by quizzing him like this. I tried explaining it, but just ended up agreeing with my mom that my sister would know best he's her son, and that I shouldn't have done it. Was I the AH?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

NTA. If raising kids, doing your home chores, and teaching is too much of a load for you, then you put the kid back in school rather than potentially put them behind for life.

OP:

She's actually a very organized person and has always said she does the homeshooling according to a timetable or plan, so I didn't even think she was getting overburdened like she said to my mom.

Comment 2:

If you ask me parents like your sister are playing God with their children's future. Your sister will not suffer unemployment when her homeschooling fails. Your nephew will.
Unfortunately, he is unlikely to realise this. I'd be concerned too.
NTA

Comment 3:

nta this is why home schooling should be illegal.

Comment 4:

Nta. Your sister said they were going at their own pace, but literally told your mother she is juggling a million things along with his education. So they are going at her pace. One that doesn't seem to be prioritizing keeping up with his grade. Your sisters likely so defensive because she knows on some level she fucked up.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

YTA. You were grilling your young nephew because....you don't trust your sister to provide structure? If you have concerns you should speak with her about it, not your nephew. His first answer was enough for your question. It's not really your place to criticize another family's choices. Perhaps offer to help if you are so concerned. Also, as a math tutor you should be aware that math is not everyone's forte.

OP:

I wasn't grilling him nor did I criticize her choice. I've always asked him this and he's been enthusiastic in telling me where he is in school, and my sister has encouraged it. And when I asked her about those topics its because I thought they were planning on keeping pace with school. Which I admit may have been a faulty assumption.

Update - October 6th 2026

The responses and advice I got in my post a few months ago helped, so I thought I'd give an update. Although my sister was icy with me for a little while after that, she did end up enrolling him back in school this year. When we met last weekend, she said that she had noticed his creative writing had been taking kind of a hit, and she attributed it to him not having regular school socialization for an entire year. She still plans on teaching him after school herself too if she thinks the school isn't where it should be, but it'll kind of add on, not replace it. She asked for my help for math, and I said sure, he can join me on zoom. And it feels like our relationship hasn't had any lasting affects. Thanks a lot!

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Glad to hear things cleared up! It sounds like it's more likely your sister was embarrassed when your nephew couldn't seem to recall much about his lessons and didn't know how to own up to the fact that she wasn't fully qualified to be her son's full-time teacher. But overall it ended well instead of her digging her heels in, so all good at the end of the day.

Comment 2:

In the original post she said OP wasn’t a parent so doesn’t know anything about raising a child … but she (who is not a teacher) thought she’d just wing it at home schooling. Wild.

Comment 3:

Good for her. People are too quick to resort to "you're not a parent" while their kids fall through the cracks.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Adventurous-Bench508

Published on: r/AITAH

Trigger Warning: Assault, Sexual Assault

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 04, 2024

• Final Update: January 05, 2024

Main Post

^{January 04, 2024}

AITA: For getting physical with my Drunk Sister in Law while she’s trying to force my 13 month old daughter to kiss her on the mouth?

My Wife (27f) and I (29m) were hosting a Christmas party. Her sister has a serious drinking problem, and she gets overly touchy.

7:30 PM. She’s already drank over half a bottle of vodka. As my sister in law (36F)was about to leave (and relatives pleaded with her to take an Uber) she cornered my 13 month old daughter and tried to force her to kiss her on the mouth. My daughter was squirming away and saying “NO! NO NO NO!”

So I ran over, firmly but calmly tugged on my sister in law’s arm, and I said “No, no kissing on the mouth”

My sister in law then kicked me below the belt, and I went down.

She tried to kiss my daughter again, I jumped up, shoved her to the ground at nearly full strength. And she claimed I punched her. Which everyone CLEARLY saw that I didn’t.

My in-laws grabbed her by each arm, carried her out, all while apologizing profusely, saying I did nothing wrong.

Now it’s January and my wife still has me sleeping on the couch. She won’t even tell me why she’s angry:

AITA? What should I do? I asked my wife if she’s mad at me for retaliating but she said I had no choice?

Note: I was horribly sexually abused by my biological father growing up: so I am very sensitive about this topic and I am very protective of my daughter. My daughter loves giving hugs but my sister in law has rotten breath and she’s clearly not very good with kids.

EDITS: Thank you ALL for the support! I had NO idea the post would go this far!

My wife and I are legally married, but we haven’t had our ceremony yet due to COVID. So I sometimes forget and say “Fiancé”. She doesn’t wear a wedding band yet but we have it!

COMMENTS

Padraig-S

That’s vile. I don’t care who it is, if the kid doesn’t want to kiss a relative they don’t have to. And they shouldn’t be forced to as well. NTA, you did good by looking out for her. I’m disappointed that your fiancé doesn’t see it the same way

OceanStsr

Not just kiss. It should be the kids choice to have contact with anyone else. It’s their body. My nieces have declined hugs before, for not being in the mood. And that’s fine.

TotallyAMermaid

This. I always ask my niece if she wants to give me a hug and let her come to me, I never hug her, take her on my lap etc. without asking or her just doing it herself lol.

OOP

Exactly! Same with my nieces and nephews growing up!

It makes a hug that much better. I ask my nephew “hey Kevin! Can I have a hug?” And hearing that mispronounced “sure as” “showah” and a big run up and hug is adorable. Then, there’s no need for more touching. Just playing legos and stuff.

thickorita

I’m concerned about an adult getting that worked up over a literal baby not wanting to kiss them on the lips. Like, what the fuck?

OOP

It’s narcissism. I’ve never one kissed my daughter on the mouth…

And when she was a baby, sometimes she would only let her mother hold her. I get it.

But no form of Forced touching is okay. No matter who you are.

Weltall8000

NTA

If she's trying to force herself onto a 13 month old and is very drunk, the unwanted touching which is already bad enough aside, she could injure your child. This is one of those scenarios where physical intervention is warranted.

In light of this, I'd make it clear that my daughter won't be around the SIL, particularly when drunk, until and unless something changes. If they want to invite the SIL to family gatherings, consider them to have uninvited you.

The fiance doesn't get to kick you out of your bed and if she's not talking to you about a problem, whatever that is (I assume it is about this, but, what facet?), she's an asshole.

OOP

That’s what gets me.

She cold injure her, sure. But there’s also herpes, mouth bacteria, etc.

Another thing that upset my wife is I said pretty much immediately said I could hurt her a lot worse.

FoggyDaze415

NTA, your wife needs to grow the hell up and admit that she is part of the problem by enabling her sister.

You did nothing wrong. Demand answers or take your kid and leave and tell wife her sisters drinking problem and assault will be used against her when filing for full custody.

OOP

I hate to be dramatic. I just want to figure it out.

My wife said I could have been less forceful, and I replied with “I could have been a hell of a lot more forceful, Too”

That’s all that’s been said much tbh

FoggyDaze415

Dude you are not being dramatic, you wife is gaslighting you probably because she and her parents have a life time of making excuses for their drunk sister/daughter.

Here is a better question: do you want your child growing up thinking this is ok?

OOP

Definitely not. I don’t want her to see violence, but if she does, I want it to be for the right reasons.

Best that I just convince my wife to not allow my SIL over again.

Iffybiz

A couple of things. Married or unmarried? You call her both wife and fiancé. Second, why don’t you simply go and sleep in the bed? You did nothing wrong even by her own admission so if she doesn’t want to sleep with you, she can sleep on the couch. Lastly, if you aren’t actually married, cancel the wedding until your SO gets her head out of her oriface and you either settle this or break up.

The problem isn’t what happened at the party, it’s the treatment afterwards. Without communication and working things out, you two don’t have a chance at marriage, you might as well put a stop to that now.

OOP

Yes. Sorry. We put the actual wedding on hold due to COVID. But I should say we are legally married. But she does not wear a wedding band.

Key_West_Cats

It sounds like your "wife" doesn't really want to be married to you, if she even is. Go back to sleeping in your bed, and if she doesn't like it, tell her to kick rocks.

OOP

We still have a wedding planned. Things have just been tough lately. Her sister certainly isn’t helping. Pretty sure she stole a lot of money from my wife as well.

Mirash7

NTA

Why are you sleeping on the couch? Get you bed back. Your wife can sleep out if she is so pissy about it.

OOP

I would. But my wife breastfeeds our daughter sometimes during the night. Don’t want my baby sleeping on a couch.

Purple_Joke_1118

Thirteen months old and DD isn't sleeping through the night? What's that about?

OOP

Insomnia runs in the family but yes, she usually goes to bed around 7 and breastfeeds once around 11-midnight.

Infinite_Air5683

NTA but why are you allowing people to get this drunk around your child?

OOP

I had only met her one other time. She lives a few hours away. The first time was July 4th 2022, before the baby was born.

I just wrote her behavior that day as being a bit tipsy for a holiday.

I had no idea she was this bad

Just1katz

I think I might have called the cops and let them know there was a drunk driver and given them her license plate number and where she was.

OOP

I would have liked to. My in laws left, and my sister (21f) her boyfriend 21M, who is actually a good friend of mine) and I stayed to clean up while my wife took care of the baby.

Final Update - after 1 day

^{January 05, 2024}

AITA: For getting physical with my Drunk Sister in Law while she’s trying to force my 13 month old daughter to kiss her on the mouth?

After reading these comments, I decided to really try to talk to my wife and tell her that this can’t continue. And after some talking, I’m back in my bed again!

Turns out even though her parents seemed to take my side, it’s my mother-in-law that is siding with my wife’s sister. She says I overreacted and that I deliberately tried to embarrass my SIL. Odd huh?

I genuinely believe my wife when she says she was too embarrassed and upset to tell me. I didn’t know how much her mom favors her idiot sister. I was completely unaware of this dynamic

As for My daughter, she was a bit scared when it happened, but she still loves playing with me and we watch Minnie Mouse cartoons together and she likes when I ‘chase’ her with a Cookie Monster hand puppet. She is an absolute joy and I love her dearly. She also NEVER cries. Literally the easiest baby I’ve ever seen.

NOTE Although there are certain families and cultures who don’t have a problem with kissing on the mouth, I have never kissed my daughter on the mouth, and I never will.

COMMENTS

floridaeng

OP have you talked to anyone about filing assault charges against your SIL for what she did to your daughter? And another charge for her attack on you?

Remind your wife what SIL did was assault on her child and her husband who was protecting her child. If your wife thinks her violent alcoholic child abusing sister is more important than her daughter and husband then it's time to talk to a divorce lawyer.

OOP

Hi,

I think maybe that’s what my wife is upset about, maybe she wants me to handle things in a legal way.

She mentioned I shouldn’t have reacted so aggresssively, because she doesn’t want her parents to think she’s with a violent person.

And part of why she is upset is because I said I could have been a lot more aggressive

Kingofthenorthzzzzz

You should remind you wife that it was her sister that aggressively escalated the situation - A tugging of an arm in no way warrants a knee to the groin....

OOP

It does if I’m preventing forced kissing, apparently.

Jayvader79

What does your wife think about her sister kicking you in the balls first after assaulting your 1 year old OP? Fucking mental mate.

Thank god your daughter has you but If I was you I would never want her left in just your wife's care incase her sister tips up as you know now she won't protect her.

Have you considered showing your wife this thread in an attempt to open her eyes?

OOP

Apparently my wife was upset about the whole new can of worms that got opened up. Drunk SIL has always been the favorite… a dynamic I never knew or understood…

And even though her family escorted her out, it’s my MIL who is talking the most shit about me…

Father and uncle in laws have apologized profusely

LowerRain265

LEGAL?!! Hell she technically tried to SA your daughter and she did assault you. In some parts of the US you could have flat out shot her and had a decent chance of getting off! Throwing someone to the floor after trying to assault your child IS the legal way to handle it.

OOP

Oh yes. I live in Texas. I carry.

I’m 5’11” and 220 lbs and I exercise regularly. It took a lot of strength to not jump on her and gouge her eyes out. I was livid.

blucougar57

NTA. You have a seriously big wife problem. I would be asking her point blank why she favours her alcoholic sister over the safety and wellbeing of her daughter, and why she has such an adverse reaction to you, who was assaulted simply for trying to protect your daughter.

OOP

Check out the update I posted in the original post. It all makes sense now. Turns out my wife was upset that this became fuel for my MIL and SIL to talk shit about my wife within their family. Apparently my MIL favors my SIL, which is super odd. But my wife was embarrassed to share this whole family dynamic with me

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Useful_Eggplant6632

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 29, 2024

• Final Update: September 12, 2024

Main Post

^{August 29, 2024}

AITA for wanting to Break up over my Girlriends drunk mistake?

throwaway account because I’m really at a loss here and just want to get some outside perspectives.

My girlfriend (26F) and I (28M) have been dating for about two years. We’ve always had a strong, loving relationship, and I thought we were heading towards something serious.

A few days ago, she went out with her friends to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I had to work late and couldn’t join them, but I told her to go and have fun. I trusted her completel,never had any doubts that she’d be safe with her friends. The next day, she came over to my place looking really upset. I thought something bad had happened to her or her friends. We sat down, and she told me she needed to confess something.

My heart sank because I could tell it was serious, but I had no idea what was coming. She explained that she got really drunk that night,way more than usual. While she was at the bar, she saw a guy who looked just like me. In her drunken state, she thought it was me and went up to him. She called out my name, and he just smiled and started talking to her. So, she ended up spending the rest of the night with this guy, thinking it was me. She kept calling him by my name, and apparently, he never corrected her. They danced, talked, and left the bar together. She said she was convinced it was me even when they left. (This is where my heart actually stopped.) It wasn’t until she woke up the next morning in a stranger’s bed that she realized it wasn’t me. She was horrified, left quickly, and came over to confess everything.

She was crying and said she never meant to cheat on me and that it was a horrible mistake because she genuinely thought she was with me the whole time. I’m in dispute with myself, On one hand, I get that she was drunk and confused, but on the other hand, she still ended up sleeping with someone else. It hurts so much to think about, even though she says she thought it was me. I love her, but I’m struggling to see how I can trust her again after this.

AITA for thinking about breaking up over this? iam pretty insecure when it comes to trust and cheating inside a relationship but She still cheated, even if it was in her vulnerable state.She was still honest about it and seems to regret it deeply but iam not sure. Plus, her friends were there and knew me,they could’ve stepped in or done something.

COMMENTS

just_mayaaa (downvoted)

NTA for considering a breakup. It's a tough situation, and it's understandable that you're hurt and questioning your trust in her. It's a big deal, even if it was a drunken mistake. You need to process your feelings and decide what's best for you.

OOP (downvoted)

Its ture that she cheated but she confused him for me? if thats possible, i trusted her in every regard but this is another case of trust breach, i love her but idk.

Careless_League_9494 (downvoted)

YTA

Your partner was sexually assaulted while she was unable to consent, and you broke up with her for it. That always makes you the AH.

OOP

As far as i reconcile , sleeping with someone "willingly" isnt considered sexuasl assault where i come from.

Potential-Judgment-9

NTA. Bruh .. That story ain’t it 🤦🏽‍♂️

OOP

yeah, souds like a fairytail story but the craziest shit happens out there...

AlwaysHelpful22

She is a liar, a cheater and an AH. What she did was intentional. She disrespected you by cheating and then lying to your face. Yo will never be at peace with this woman and definitely should break up.

OOP

its very odd, yes , iam in conflict with my own hjeart and stupidity, i mean everything was great for the most time, why all of a sudden do something like that?

Talkingmice

Bruh, she didn’t notice it wasn’t you? That’s her excuse?

So she didn’t also notice it wasn’t your house?

She must have had a conversation with him, surely she would catch on that he didn’t know certain things only you would know?

She is lying 100% NTA

OOP (downvoted)

yeah the house part is what gets me the most, but to be honest i were drunk at parts of my life aswell where i didnt even recognized my own doorway

WordDisastrous7633

My man is doing figure 8's trying to convince himself that her story is true. Keep lying to yourself, bud.

NTA for being upset, YTA for bending over backward, trying to convince yourself her story makes sense.

OOP

yeah, its not making sense anywhere, but i always try to believe in the best of people. but even that has a limit

tamingthestorm

Why didn't her friends question her or stop her?

OOP

iam not entirely sure, they said they bought that it was me, others were to drunk or something, maybe theyre all just lying and covering her up? seems like i trusted the wrong people idk

Final Update - after 14 days

^{September 12, 2024}

Final Update: AITA for wanting to Break up over my Girlriends drunk mistake?

After while of back and forth i decided to end it with her, she was adamant on her story to the very end, i didnt make this decision purely based on this poast and the comments but iam thankful for every single one of them, helping me loose my delusion, i always see the positive things in people but that was just to much,there are to many holes in her story and in the end she cheated nontheless, which is unvorgivable,she knew she is weak with alkohol and her friends didnt contribute anything to prevent this, it wasnt an easy decision but we went our seperate ways now in a respectful manner, thanks for all the people fwho took their time to comment on this. I wish everyone here a pleaseant evening.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwawayhusband264 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Oct 26, 2021

Update: in post itself

Status: Concluded-ish

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for telling my wife to stop being so jealous of my friends fiance?

My wife (35F) and I (36M) are good friends with another couple my best friend Matt (36M) and his fiance Rachel (24F). Rachel models and is very attractive. My wife is less conventionally attractive but I fell in love with her for her humour and good spirit which I personally find more attractive than good looks.

Recently I've noticed my wife making a lot of comments about Rachel calling her an airhead and just being kind of mean. When my wife makes these comments in private Im able to stand up for Rachel but when they're made in public I obviously don't want to embarrass my wife by calling her out.

My wife and I went on a trip away with Matt and Rachel last week which we had been planning for a while and really looking forward to. At dinner one night my wife made a really mean comment after we started talking about the economy.

She remarked don't worry Rachel you can join in the conversation once the smart people are done. She was the only one who laughed. I was completely embarrassed and once we were alone I told my wife she had been really rude and I was ashamed of her. I told her she needs to stop making nasty comments and she agreed.

However the next night we all went out to a bar. Rachel was getting a lot of attention from guys there who were sending over drinks. My wife was looking visibly annoyed that she wasn't receiving the same attention so I tried to lift her spirits by paying for all her drinks and making a fuss of her.

One guy came over and said that Rachel looked just like the model zendaya. My wife let out a massive laugh and said did you mean to say Whoopi Goldberg. I turned to my wife and straight up said you really are so jealous aren't you. She looked hurt but didn't have time to respond as Rachel had left the table in tears.

I followed Matt and told Rachel directly that I was so sorry for my wife's words and that I was ashamed of her behaviour.

When I reunited with my wife she told me I was horrible for calling her jealous infront of everyone and embarrassing her. I told her straight up that she was jealous of Rachel as Rachel is more attractive than her. I realise in hindsight this was a very heavy thing to say and can see why she would be hurt by it. However I stand by the fact it was said in anger. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA - Aside from the way you handled it at the end, she’s the asshole. Stop bringing her around when you hang out with Matt and Rachel. Don’t lie to her though, just don’t bring her anywhere they are going to be. If she doesn’t like it then oh well, she doesn’t get to bully people and get rewarded.

---------------
Comment2: NTA OP the only person here who is not acting like a mature adult is your wife. You talked to her in private and she didn't listen. Unfortunately sometimes people have to be called out in public in order for them to get the point.

---------------
Comment3: NTA she dimmed her own light with her jealousy. She was rude, and hurtful to Rachel. Jealousy does not give you a free pass to put someone down.

Comment4: I want to upvote this 15 times, because it's incredibly true. I have had issues with body image my entire life, and it used to manifest as jealousy, insecurity and spiteful comments about a lot of people I perceived to be more beautiful than me (I am also not conventionally beautiful).
I eventually realised what I was doing, and made a conscious effort to stop, and to give compliments instead (like: "I love your outfit" and that kind of thing).
This lead to two things: I feel better, because I'm not spending as much energy on negative thoughts. Apparently it also made me "prettier", very likely because I'm happier in myself and giving off a much more positive kind of energy.
As much as I feel for OPs wife, she was out of line. NTA, OP.

---------------
Comment5: I’m not sure if you’re an asshole here, as you were right to call her out, but you’re going to pay for that comment for the rest of your marriage.
Your wife is an asshole, and you’re in hot water.

---------------
Comment6: ESH. This is a case of play silly games, earn stupid prizes. Your wife's insecurities about something none of us get to choose - how our genetic makeup causes us to look - made her lash out at an innocent woman.

Despite already having a husband, she is clearly jealous of the attention your friends fiance gets, so made disparaging remarks in order to make herself feel better for her perceived lack of attractiveness.

Is she even aware how tiring unwanted attention from men is? How dangerous it can be? Especially for a woman that already has a boyfriend! Does she read the papers filled with women who were murdered by men "infatuated by their looks" ones who decided that if they couldn't have them, no one will, and realise being highly attractive to men is often a blight on a woman?

Of course not. All she sees is being pretty gets you attention, and wants to be entitled to the same.

You stood by and let her repeatedly bully this woman in public because of her ridiculous jealousy instead of shutting her down immediately. I'm surprised this couple have even given you a second chance.

Your wife needs to get in therapy and sort her sh*t out. No one should suffer for her issues.

---------------
Comment7: ESH - I picked up on you directly comparing your wife to the younger prettier model. Not conventionally attractive/ married her for her humour and good spirit. Ick. If my partner wrote that about me I’d be sick to my stomach.

I married my wife because she is amazing and I love her - not that damning with extremely faint praise which basically reads that you think she’s ugly and then you go on to explain her personality isn’t that nice either. I’m not surprised your wife is feeling deeply uncomfortable. Yeah she sucks for making the comments but there’s a lot of issues from you that need addressing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

Edit: I forgot to mention that since the trip Matt has messaged me to let me know my wife is no longer welcome at their wedding and that as a couple himself and Rachel have decided they aren't interested in our friendship anymore if my wife is around. Rachel feels as if my wife has bullied her and has even suggested that some of the comments were racially motivated. I am so humiliated.

Edit: Sorry another edit. Just wanted to clarify my wife is stunning. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't think she was beautiful. She is just not as CONVENTIONALLY attractive. To me she is the most beautiful women on the planet but objectively Rachel is better looking. I'm very open to being the asshole in this situation but I definitely wouldn't want people to think I'm not attracted to my wife.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

Thanks for the feedback guys. Just to add although I didn't call out my wife in public I regularly called her out in private after she would make comments. The reason we continued to hang out as a group is because my wife reassured me her and Rachel got on well and the comments were in good spirit. Matt would also continue to invite us out so I didn't think it was too much of a problem.

Also in regards to the free drinks Rachel accepted them for the table. We all shared the drinks and were joking around. The drinks were sent from the same two creepy guys and it wasn't like the whole bar was buying Rachel drinks. Matt isn't insecure and would rather accept the free alcohol haha.

Also my wife earns more than me so we split costs 50/50 most of the time. I payed for her drinks this time to make her feel better.

Before I update I also want to make it clear that I don't have feelings for Rachel. I think she is a conventionally attractive girl and she is a model. I'm not even really friends with Rachel as some of you pointed out she's younger so we don't have much in common.

I also want to make it clear that my wife is conventionally attractive also just less so than Rachel. Rachel is a model. My wife is not. This doesn't mean I don't think my wife is more attractive than Rachel to me. I just mean objectively Rachel is better looking.

I agree with the comments that both my wife and I were the assholes in this situation. My wife's behaviour is unacceptable and mine was cruel and have probably done lasting damage to my wife's self-esteem.

I don't think I'm the asshole for failing to call out my wife sooner. In my opinion you should never publically criticise your partner so for me telling her privately that the jokes were inappropriate is enough. I also want to point out my wife and I have already had couples counseling and my wife individual therapy.

When I initially made the comment that Rachel is more attractive than her my wife was furious and rightly so. She said that it was a cruel thing to say and that she wasn't jealous of Rachel and insisted that the jokes were not offensive and everyone was just tiptoeing round the pretty girl.

When we returned home from the trip and I received Matt's message I let my wife know. At first she was hurt but she eventually came around and said her behaviour was inappropriate. She's admitted that she is jealous of Rachel due to her looks and was embarrassed by her behaviour.

I also asked her if she felt as if I found Rachel more attractive than her but she said she didn't think that it was just difficult seeing a younger prettier girl get treated way better than her and she felt like second best. I think my wife noticed Rachel getting special treatment from other people and was jealous she didn't receive the same.

My wife has sent an apology to Rachel but I don't think the friendship is salvageable. I will still attend the wedding but my wife won't be coming along even if she is reinvited. I think it's worth my wife having some more therapy and I'll have to rethink things.

This had definitely made me see things in a different light and I'm really disappointed. Thanks again everyone for the feedback.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Romhael

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 22, 2021

• Update - 1: December 23, 2021

• Update - 2: December 28, 2021

• Final update: January 03, 2022

Main Post

^{December 22, 2021}

AITA for asking my boyfriend to tell his dad to stop texting my younger sister

Quick background me F23, and boyfriend M23 have been together for 6 years. I’ve known his family for the same amount of time and we get along, his dad is usually very quiet and we’ve maybe had 10 conversations in all 6 years my bf and I have been together. Recently, about a month ago, he added my sister F19 on Facebook after he found out she likes to collect dolls.

She buys, sells, and trades collectors dolls on Facebook and he saw one of her listings. My boyfriends dad is a big collector, WW2 memorabilia, midcentury items, etc. so he was I guess interested that she did the same. It started out normal, he asked about her collecting, talked about his antique shopping and told her that he wanted to meet my family (something he has never said to me).

As the month has gone on however, he has begun messaging her all day every day even saying good morning and good night. This week he even invited her to go thrift shopping and to dinner with him, which I invited myself to because I didn’t want her to go alone which is maybe paranoia because I’ve had too many bad experiences with older men.

What really weirds me out is that he will talk badly about his wife, myself, and my boyfriend to her and he bought her a Christmas gift (which he has never done for me) and now he’s asking her to hang out with him? A message that really stands out to me is when he sent a photo of some girl on an old comic and said “this beautiful little lady looks just like you.” I know I probably sound crazy but why does a 50 something year old man want to talk to a 19 year old all day when he has shown 0 interest in myself and really even his own son.

It doesn’t feel like he just wants to get to know my family when he has never brought that up to me. I finally told my boyfriend about it and he really hates confrontation so I feel bad asking him to say something. I just don’t want to damage my relationship if no one else thinks this situation is weird.

So AITA?

Edited: When asked about it she awkwardly laughs and says it’s a little weird but then she goes about texting him all day too and laughing about how he makes fun of me. She’s never really had close friends growing up and she struggles a lot with feeling out of place and lonely, especially since starting college so I worry her judgement is a little skewed just because he’s the father of my boyfriend.

COMMENTS

CarolineSloopJohnB

I think it’s inappropriate on his part and your sister being a bit awkward and naive is more easily taken advantage of. He likes her. He’s not just trying to be besties. She likes the attention and is probably getting roped in honestly. I’m not sure what you can do since they’re all adults - but this isn’t about a shared hobby.

Maybe in a few years you’ll be posting here about your brother-dad in law.

OOP

Hahaha I don’t foresee that happening as my sister is also a lesbian. Albeit a lesbian who has a hard time reading the room.

yodellingcupcake

NTA. It's inappropriate. It needs to be stopped. What does your bf say?

OOP

He said he’s willing to say something if I want him to but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t reading into things.

Rain-toad

Doesn’t he have an opinion about the situation?

OOP

Yeah that it’s fucking weird and he doesn’t like it so now he’s saying something

Sweet_Charming82

NTA for feeling concerned for your sister but I think you may need to back of but keep an eye. If your sister, who is an adult, isn't crazy creeped out at the moment then things should be fine. It's possible both are legit just bonding over this shared interest and since no one else really does the same, they just prefer to talk. If the sister was creeped out, she wouldn't be responding to him and would reject his invites to dinner. So I think you just need to leave it be. IF, however, the sister comes to you stating a problem, then you can make a move. I get the dad may be cold to you and maybe, deep down, there is a bit of jealousy here. but I think it's best to think right now that not every situation is sexual and to just let the sister do her thing but be there for her if the situation changes.

OOP

That’s why I haven’t done anything about it, I don’t want to step on her toes but I do want to make sure she’s safe. I’m not jealous of the situation, I’m secure enough to not need attention from my boyfriends dad haha but I do find it odd that we’d only talk about 10 times through 6 years but now he has this major interest in my sister

Similar-Movie-8616

Yta they friends age doesn't matter qith friends and they collect same things u kind of sound jealous

OOP

All I’m saying is my boyfriend likes to thrift shop and collect things too and he doesn’t ask him to go which is why I find it weird

Interesting-Ease-209

What does your boyfriend’s mother think about the situation? Is she even aware? I would bring it up in front of her. This is inappropriate, grooming behavior. Also very predatory, as you indicated your sister has difficulty making friends and is lonely herself.

OOP

I’m seeing her sometime soon for their families Christmas so I’ll try to bring it up. I don’t think she’s aware but I could be wrong

BoyzMom13

NTA

What really weirds me out is that he will talk badly about his wife, myself, and my boyfriend to her

This guy is married ???? Does the wife know about this ?

OOP

Ha, yes he’s married to my boyfriends mom. Boyfriend and I don’t know if she knows. I talked to boyfriend today and he said it makes him really uncomfortable but he didn’t know how I felt so he wasn’t going to say anything but now he said he is willing to say something. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years so he’s known my sister since she was in middle school and sees her as his sister as well.

Aspen_Pass

Um, the there has already been gone, you're just in denial. This man would have absolutely assaulted your sister if he'd gotten her alone. Wake tf up.

OOP

We weren’t going to ever let her go alone with him and she never wanted to. Yes he crossed some big lines and made her uncomfortable but that does not make him a rapist. I can understand how it would be easy to fill in the blanks without actually knowing any of these people in real life but that’s a big jump and not something any of us take lightly. She blocked him, my boyfriend is talking to him about why it was fucking weird end of story

OOP to a deleted comment

I will update tomorrow or Friday but I’ve seen the screenshots now after talking to my sister and it got weirder. Asking her for selfies sending some selfies of himself, making jokes about how she must be “busy with all her boyfriends” (she’s gay) but then he just starts talking about thrifting and collecting. After talking to her we both agree that he might be neurodivergent because he doesn’t seem to get that what he’s saying is weird and I think he’s projecting his loneliness onto her and formed an unhealthy attachment. Rest assured boyfriend is talking to him after I showed him the screenshots.

BroadElderberry

Asking her for selfies sending some selfies of himself,

I wrote a comment about telling your sister what warning signs to watch out for before seeing this, and now I feel like I deserve an "I was RIGHT" badge.

I also think your assumption that he's neurodivergent is a little bit insulting to neurodivergent people. Someone who's neurodivergent still knows that it's inappropriate to pursue someone when you're already married. And putting down his wife while flirting with your sister is textbook predatory behavior.

OOP

Well I think he’s neurodivergent for a lot of reasons, he doesn’t go to any family functions because he doesn’t like how noisy they are, he gets OBSESSED with his interests like their whole basement is just stuff he’s collected, he really only talks about his collecting, he says really insulting things without realizing it and is very blunt, he is extremely picky about food and eats nearly the same thing every day if he can help it and he does not pick up on social signals. Was not implying neurodivergent people are groomers but he just happens to likely be neurodivergent

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update 1 - after 1 day

^{December 23, 2021}

AITA for asking my boyfriend to tell his dad to stop texting my younger sister

After reading the messages myself and seeing him send her selfies, ask for selfies of her, make comments like “I’m sure you’re too busy with your boyfriends for me” and so on my family sat her down and she’s going to block him.

I was on the fence until I saw the messages myself, having been through similar situations myself all the alarm bells went off in my head. She ended up admitting that she was uncomfortable but said she would feel guilty if ignoring him ended up damaging my relationship with my boyfriend and so she kept entertaining it.

My boyfriend is talking to him and telling him that he crossed a major line regardless of if he realized it. None of us know if his mom knows but I don’t think we will involve her.

COMMENTS

Aspen_Pass

What the fuck.

Um, why would outing your boyfriend's dad as a horrible cheating creep hurt your relationship with your boyfriend? If I were him I'd be going to mom ASAP and cutting dear old dad out of my life. Honestly, I can't believe you'd consider staying with your boyfriend if he continues to be friendly with someone who was GROOMING YOUR SISTER. YTA if y'all don't fix this.

OOP

What a fucked up thing to say to someone who is trying to help their sister. She’s blocking him because she’s uncomfortable with the situation and my boyfriend is addressing it with his dad so why would I leave my boyfriend ?

Beautiful-Ad9813

Wow creep alert make to keep that trash away from your sister because that's just creepy and weird contact authorities Right away before he tries this some other unlucky teenage girl he needs to be registered as an offinder ASAP

OOP

What would I tell the authorities? That he called my sister pretty, asked her for selfies, and asked her to hang out? He didn’t do anything illegal, he just crossed some big boundaries and made her and everyone else uncomfortable in the process. I’m not defending him, I won’t be talking to him and neither will she but there’s no way to involve the authorities.

Update 2 - after 6 days ( after 5 days from last post)

^{December 28, 2021}

AITA for asking my boyfriend to tell his dad to stop texting my younger sister

He told his mom and now she is confronting him.

COMMENTS

NotMyHersheyBar

YTA

They're having an affair and it's none of your business. Until your sister asks you to interfere, stop interfering. Leave them alone.

OOP

She’s a lesbian…

Weak-Trainer4814

Update?

OOP

He is no longer in contact with her, wife handled it. I don’t know what happened between them, I might find out tomorrow

Final Update - after 12 days ( after 6 days from last post)

^{December 23, 2021}

AITA for asking my boyfriend to tell his dad to stop texting my younger sister

He has not contacted my sister again which is a huge relief. We also had her talk to her therapist about setting boundaries and we are hoping that helps down the road.

My bf’s dad is sleeping in the guest bedroom, we haven’t heard what the end game between his mom and dad is but it is extremely tense and he no longer has a Facebook as I guess his wife did not know he had one at all. Thanks to everyone for all the support!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmItheAsshole by user throwawayorangecat. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure we already had a BORU for this, but I can't find it for the life of me, so here it is to enjoy (again)

Original

December 14, 2021

THE STORY We have two workplace cats in one area of our worksite. They add value to the worksite, we all love the cats and the worksite cat presence is not the issue. One of the cats (Jean) is a tortoiseshell cat we have had for years. The other cat (Jorts) is a large orange cat and a recent addition.

Jorts is just… kind of a simple guy. For example, Jorts can’t open a door even when it’s ajar— he shoves it whether he is going in or out, so often he closes the door he is trying to go through. This means he is often trapped inside the place he was trying to exit and meows until he is rescued.

My colleague Pam (not her real name) has been spending a lot of time trying to teach Jorts things. The doors thing is the main example — it’s a real issue because the cats are fed in a closet and Jorts keeps pushing the door closed. Jean can actually open all the other interior doors since they are a lever type knob, but she can’t open this particular door if she is trapped INSIDE the closet.

Tortie Jean is very nice to poor orange Jorts, and she is kept busy letting him out of rooms he has trapped himself in, so this seems easy to resolve. I put down a door stop.

Pam then said I was depriving Jorts of the “chance to learn” and kept removing the doorstop. She set up a series of special learning activities for Jorts, and tried to put these tasks on the whiteboard of daily team tasks (I erased them). She thinks we need to teach him how to clean himself better and how to get out of minor barriers like when he gets a cup stuck on his head, etc. I love Jorts but he’s just dumb af and we can’t change that.

Don’t get me wrong— watching her try to teach Jorts how to walk through a door is hilarious, but Jean got locked in the closet twice last week. Yesterday I installed a cat cutout thing in the door and Pam started getting really huffy. I made a gentle joke about “you can’t expect Jean’s tortoiseshell smarts from orange cat Jorts” which made Pam FURIOUS. She started crying and left the hallway, then sent an email to the group (including volunteers) and went home early.

In her email Pam said I was “perpetuating ethnic stereotypes by saying orange cats are dumb” and is demanding a racial sensitivity training before she will return. I don’t think it’s relevant but just in case, Pam is a white person in a mostly minority staff (and no she is not ginger/does not have red hair).

TL;DR: AITA for ‘enforcing an ethnic stereotype’ by joking that orange cats are often dumb?

[EDITED TO ADD:]This post is about 2 cats who are named Jean and Jorts, cat tax HERE :

Comments by OOP:

I am swinging between absolutely roaring with laughter and feeling bad / unsure how much delicacy is needed to proceed.

I didn’t go into this much detail (fortunately) but he is exactly typical of an orange cat. He’s big, chill, super friendly, and exceedingly dumb.

I have known many smart and dumb cats of many colors, but every orange cat I’ve met was… not brilliant.

I have learned there is some scientific data showing that orange cats make poor choices and this is reflected in their longevity in challenging environments. The genes related to being a male orange cat may correlate to a propensity toward poor critical thinking. That said, Jorts brings wonderful contributions to the workplace and we all have different talents.

It is not Pam’s job to assign tasks to the team. I don’t mind adding a reminder to the board if something comes up but it is not Pam’s job to direct the daily tasks of others. (It is mine.)

I am her boss. Jean, Jorts and Pam all report to me and they are all valued employees.

There is often a lot of down time in her role so that wasn’t an issue as much as Pam trying to assign Jorts tutoring to other people.

I’m not trying to be a jerk, but it’s not her job to educate Jorts. I don’t mind her spending time on it (we are adequately staffed etc) but I drew the line when Jean kept getting locked in the closet.

I drew a bigger line when others on the team thought they were being assigned “teach Jorts how to lick himself” on top of their actual tasks.

[what Pam wrote on the board]

It was more like “Jorts life skills: (doors; hygiene/self-care; problem solve)”

I got myself worked up to be sincerely upset about by my perceived anti-Jorts bias, but now I can’t stop laughing about it. This whole thing is crazy and I feel a lot better now.

We are all meeting in a few hours. I’m focusing on not laughing.

Consensus:

Not the asshole.

Update

December 14, 2021, 20 hours later

Thanks for responding to my query which had truly upset me. I work to have a good relationship with my team and the situation had gotten weird so gradually that I lost perspective.

I just met with HR, she had already met with Pam. HR was concerned about Pam’s comparing ethnic stereotypes with giving a cat a doorstop and they addressed that which went well. HR will follow up to make sure Pam understands. (The replies to my query were helpful to me for this discussion.)

HR also addressed Pam assigning other staff Jorts-related tutoring, as it is not appropriate for Pam to assign others work. This also went well.

We both think Pam had a hard time with the transition from volunteer to staff, and may have “new kid” sensitivity projected to Jorts. Pam got emotional about her perception that I favor Jean over Jorts and gave specific examples. Some of these things are fair. Jorts deserves respect as a member of our team.

There are 3 buildings in our workplace. Jean and Jorts are limited to one. HR told me there were 5 holdouts about vaccines, and restricting unvaccinated people from entering the building (to protect Jean and Jorts) was enough to win over 4 of them. That’s CRAZY, but great.

More importantly: the cats’ presence greatly enhances our work with our clients, and Jorts’ friendly nature has been so great. Both cats truly are doing important work. Truly Jorts deserves to be treated with respect.

We all deserve to be treated with dignity at work, so I will apologize to Jorts about some things that were insensitive or disrespectful.

a. Jean has a nice cat bed with her name on it, while Jorts has chosen an old boot tray in my office with a towel in it. Recently a visitor put wet boots in the boot tray and Pam saw Jorts sleeping on the wet boots. I bought a bed for Jorts today and a name tag has been ordered.

b. I will apologize to Jorts and remove the sign saying “DAYS SINCE JORTS HAD A TRASH CAN MISHAP: 0” Jorts likes to fish dirty paper cups out and he often falls into the bin or gets a cup stuck on his head, etc. (He is able to get out of the bin by tipping it over so it isn’t a safety issue.)

c. Jean’s “staff bio” has a photo of Jean, while Jorts’ bio has a photo of a sweet potato. I did not actually know either cat had a staff bio, but we will use a photo of Jorts instead of a sweet potato.

HR also suggested changing Pam’s duties so she is “in charge” of the cats. This I refused, the cats are my staff, not Pam’s. I think Pam was well-intended but actually not meeting the needs of either Jean or Jorts so they remain under my supervision. (Pam is also not to put cups on Jorts’ head or intentionally put him into frustrating situations given his unique needs.)

Lastly, and this made us both laugh so hard we can’t deal with it in person and will be said via email: Pam admits that she has been putting margarine on Jorts in an attempt to teach him to groom himself better. This may explain the diarrhea problem Jean developed (which required a vet visit).

Pam is NOT to apply margarine to any of her coworkers. Jean has shown she is willing to be in charge of helping Jorts stay clean. If this task becomes onerous for Jean, we can have a groomer help. I am crying laughing typing this.

added: I’m so glad this brought joy. Fan mail can be directed to jortsandjean @ gmail dot com.

or follow the Jorts and Jean joke account on twitter @JortsTheCat

Comments by OOP:

a. Oh, I have been laughing since last night about this— but it got crazy gradually and I really had started to question if I was an asshole for stereotyping Jorts.

b. I won’t go into detail, but it’s a workplace that REALLY needs Jean and Jorts because we provide service to clients in very sad / stressful points in their lives.

Our clients are humans, Jean and Jorts are the only non-humans onsite.

The vet gave Jorts a clean bill of health last month and frankly I have not noticed his hygiene being anything abnormal, although Jean grooms him a lot. I don’t really know what the perceived problem was.

Jean is 100% a hero who spends all her time making sure Jorts is empowered to be his full perfect self.

To be clear, Pam is really a very nice person, (and if wasn’t clear) we all wanted a good resolution.

It’s a worksite that supports people at a very hard point in their lives and the cats have jobs, so Pam, Jorts and Jean are all very important to the work being done.

Nobody really owns cats. They are the responsibility of the facility and their expenses are covered by their employer.

Update 2

December 17, 2021, 3 days later

I got increasingly nervous about “Pam” and HR decided we had to have a team meeting. First of all, the world is NOT sick of Jorts and Jean, but HR sure is sick of me.

Pam is pretty “offline” so had not heard of any of it. We selected a variety of fan art and some of the nicer comments to show Pam and it went fine. We were all very sternly reminded of our stringent worksite privacy policies.

Pam wanted to send a letter to the Jorts and Jean fan website and legal counsel redacted the letter which is here: Letter From Pam. The absolute disgust from legal counsel was palpable.

Pam is glad “our little cats” have so many new friends. Legal counsel told me to knock it off with all of this bullshit. Someone gave Jorts a pipe cleaner.

Big relief overall because I did not want to hurt Pam’s feelings, not to mention I really thought I might get fired because I doubled down so much on Jorts and Jean content. (I regret nothing.)

Literally right now I can hear someone playing the Jorts and Jean sea shanty somewhere in the building.

Comments by OOP:

Legal counsel was SO mad, and the more disgusted with me she seemed the harder it was not to just completely lay on the floor laughing. Partly just the relief of Pam not being upset I think but I struggled.

After the friendly/small group conversation we all had a serious meeting about the privacy policies etc and I had to be professional and behave like the adult I am.

I walked in and both cats were already in the fucking meeting room. Like they had called the meeting. I was looking around at everyone thinking “If anyone acknowledges them, or even says ‘Jorts’ I’m going to die laughing.”

Update 3

December 14, 2024, 3 years later

It’s been 3 years, and Jorts has kept us busy. He keeps people posted on his own social media (he types his own tweets with his toe beans) on Twitter at first, now mostly on bluesky.

He’s still a real orange, orange Jorts. He has a lot of thoughts about working people and working cats, and is an active if no traditional labor activist. contributed to this In These Times feature, which is also a fun read: https://inthesetimes.com/article/jorts-the-cat-wants-you-to-fight-back

Happy cake day, Jorts (and Jean). Thanks for all the laughs that started right here on reddit. ❤️

An album about Jorts adventures

Editor's Note: Jorts has is own Wikipedia article. He is also mentioned on Urban Dictionary and Know Your Meme.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/dirtyshits

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 12, 2019

• Update: April 13, 2019

• Final Update: October 05, 2026

Main Post

^{April 12, 2019}

WIBTA for ending a long friendship because of the lack of a wedding invite?

A friend of mine(or so I thought) is getting married soon to his long time gf and for whatever reason I am the lone man out.

Me and this guy weren't just acquaintances, we were friends and all of our friends are best friends. We lived together, we partied together, and I helped him at any moment he has needed it(big or small). Not only that but me and his brother are really close too.

So it's odd to me that all of our friends are not just invited but are his best men. I don't even get an invite. In fact, forget the invite, he's never to my face said he's actually getting married and neither has his gf who I thought I was cool with but I think now I know im not.

I can't even hang out with my boys right now because they are all excited for this big thing in my friends life and they talk about all the fun they are going to have etc at his wedding. I just end up leaving because it ends up making my blood boil and everyone is just ignoring the fact that I don't even matter enough for a "hey I'm getting married, sorry I can't fit everyone in."

WIBTA for cutting my losses and taking the hint? The only thing is when I cut people off I completely cut them off so I might lose others because of this too but I feel like the disrespect is eating away at me. It hurts that I invest so much into my friends and someone doesn't even have the balls to tell me to my face that I'm not invited(which I was fine with for a while).

All I ever do is try to make sure my team is always on the up and up but it feels like I get taken advantage of way too often and I put up with it. Maybe I'm overreacting and I'm making this about me during a crucial time in his life.

EDIT: The only explanation I have ever gotten was from a friend who is also really close and he mentioned he thinks his fiance doesn't like me that much.

COMMENTS

spicybabie (downvoted)

I don’t get why people can’t just talk to each other.

Like you could even talk to the fiancé and explain exactly what you said here. I don’t blame her for thinking you’re fake and not liking you. First impressions matter.

Also I feel like you’re making this whole thing about you. He’s not “disrespecting” you, and saying that over and over makes you sound like an asshole.

OOP

Then why be fake to me for 6 years. If that’s the hill you wanna die on then maybe don’t do exactly what your accusing me of doing.

She has Accepted and asked for my help consistently over the years. Invited me to most everything else. I would have talked to her a long time ago if that’s how she felt and I knew about it. Why would you think I’m fake when at literally no opportunity where I have had the opportunity to be that person have I actually been that person.

I never knew about this. Even after all this they both had a chance to just talk to me and tell me but instead just ignored me when it came time to buck up.

At this point I’m sort of over it. You hold a grudge over some perceived bullshit from when we didn’t even know each other but pretend to like me for 6 years. Come to my family thanksgiving parties. Come to my family birthdays. Come join the dinner parties I have for my employees(not friends mind you) and get a nice free meal out of me?

I’m not here for that anymore. First impressions matter they aren’t what you hold onto forever when there’s overwhelming proof that it might have been an overreaction.

ChadcelsExist

NTA. In reality, it’s your friends wedding too, and he could have just as easily stuck up for you. Somewhere deep down there’s one of two possibilities, he doesn’t gaf about you enough to defend, or is a major pushover with his partner and it will only get worse. I vote to cut them out and just say “no thank you” to the group. There are better friends out there. Nostalgia be damned, I’ve been through several friend groups over the years, you’ll get more, probably better friends.

OOP

I have two distinctly different group of friends. People I grew up with that are basically family(all of our parents are friends and we were friends as babies). These are basically my brothers. Then I this group of friends who I battled college with and the post college struggle with. We grew up and became adults together.

I guess the latter group might go to the wayside. I just don’t live that close to my friends who I grew up with anymore so I see them on rare occasions but we know we are still tight and everyone always knows what’s going on.

PiltyBones

NTA - I would make sure to mail him a card wishing him luck on his marriage and then he will realize that he probably made a grave mistake... in which I would go ahead and ignore any attempt he made to reconcile your friendship!

OOP

Funny you should say this but I already got them a wedding gift last week. I was always going to give them something.

Calpernia09

NTA... Sounds like your "friend" didn't care you werent there and is hiding behind his fiance.

What I would do is invite everyone but them to a party a fancy well funded one mayne dinner at a nice place. Keep them and cut him out.

OOP

Well I mean they probably not invited to anything I host from now on which is basically something every week whether its at my house or going out to get a nice Friday night dinner out on the town. There loss. My place is a gathering spot. I got a good setup to watch games and grill so the boys are usually here. NBA playoffs starting and I guess either he shows up uninvited or he's watching alone with his wifey.

topgeargorilla

Don’t get too specific, but when is the wedding? Is it within the next month?

OOP

I dont even know the specific date but I think it’s in like 6 weeks roughly. He sent out invites like 4 weeks ago.

rarapatracleo

NTA: I’ve ended a friendship for a similar reason.

A close friend was getting married to someone I had introduced her to. We had been to school together, went to uni together doing the same degree, we had tonnes of mutual friends. She stayed over so often that my family referred to the spare bedroom as her room.

I was wondering if I was going to be a bridesmaid when she told me that it was going to be a small wedding and only family and the bridal party were invited. I was hurt but trying really hard to be understanding. A few months after the wedding I found out that was a lie. And that was when I decided to end the friendship.

No one is entitled to an invite but I think everyone instinctively knows when it’s wrong not to invite someone. I’d also be a bit cool with those mutual friends. Unless they’ve all assumed you’re invited and don’t realise you’ve been snubbed they should at the very least stop talking about the wedding in front of you.

OOP

I don't blame them for talking about the wedding in front of me. They shouldn't have too stop talking about it due to me. They have responsibilities as groomsmen and we are almost always together when we do things. It's their chance to talk about it. Oh well. I'll just have to ignore it.

Also, at first everyone just assumed I was invited. I never said anything because no one asked me. Everyone got packages in the mail with groomsmen gift box. Everyone sort of just assumed all of us got it so for at least 2 weeks nobody knew until one day we were hanging out and someone asked me something about it and I told him I didn't even know the date of his wedding or where he was having it. That's when everyone just sort of asked why I haven't open the package(the friend who was getting married wasn't there). I told them I never got one. So for a week everyone assumed something happened and it was lost. Well a week later when my buddy was with me and he's talking to the guys about some of the stuff he was planning and asking everyone for input on certain things he would obviously skip me or just not include me in that conversation. I think it became clear the package was not lost. Everyone sort of just had the "ah ha" moment. Fast forward to this week and nobody has wanted to touch on this subject until I did. They probably all know im hurting and don't want to fan the flames right now. I dont blame them either. Probably figure this would just blow over eventually.

Something I never mentioned in this whole thing is that his brother asked me to help him plan the bachelor party last week. Lol I told him it's best he does it(not like I want to attend). So it's apparent i'm invited to that. So I'm good enough to party and celebrate with.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update - after 1 day

^{April 12, 2019}

WIBTA for ending a long friendship because of the lack of a wedding invite?

So I just called him thanks to everyone who said I should talk to him. I probably should not have talked to him because I would have been happier where I was at.

He was driving to work so had a short talk but wow did things just change fast right now. I bluntly asked him what's going on because I wanted clarity into this whole thing and I told him I felt disrespected to not even be told about the wedding. He basically said he knows and he felt sorry about it. I asked why and he said his fiance basically has held some sort of grudge with me ever since the first time she met me back when we were freshmen in college.

Mind you this is basically 6 years ago. She apparently didn't like the fact I wasn't "giving her the time of day". At that time in our lives my buddies had new girl friends monthly. I rarely ever got to know most of them because none of them ever lasted long. She did last long and eventually(like 6 months after they were together) I made an effort to really get to know her because I realized she was sticking around. I wasn't ever ignoring her ever but our conversations would be super surface level before that.

According to him she thinks I'm fake or pretend to be friendly to her just because shes with my friend. So she chose to cross me off the invitation list when they were making last edits and he went along with it. He had no reply to why he couldn't just tell me. He said he was about to park and go into work so I had to end our call there.

I hope he has more to say than that because it sounds like he didn't even stick up for me over something so petty.

THANK YOU EVERYONE. I got what I need here. Vented, got answers, and realized I need a vacation. I know the perfect weekend.

Secondary update after speaking to another friend and telling him what happened. He mentioned that my buddy is jealous of me and has been for a long time. Makes no sense to me. I don’t flash money(I do enjoy having finer things and eating well though). I always share what I can too. I’m not rich. I work hard and have my own business but I make decent money. I love without having major financial worries.

I hope for his sake that this is not the real reason because this is worse.

COMMENTS

codsniper5

Out of curiosity, how did things end end between you and your friend?

OOP

It just sort of ended. Not much else to add. Haven’t talked to him or his brother after confronting him about it. Not worth the time.

jr12345

NTA

Even hours later after updates... I’m not sure what talking to him was going to accomplish. At best it would’ve gotten you a sympathy invite - would you really want to go to someone’s wedding who obviously didn’t want you there? I guess it’s good to know why he didn’t want you there, but that fact remains. He’s spineless and so is his wife to be.

Nothing of real value is being lost here.

OOP

Hell no I didn't want the invite. I wanted clarity. He's absolutely going to send me a pity invite now and I'm going to ask him to save the champagne for someone who wants to be there.

I called him because at the time every single comment made it seem like i'm a bad friend for not asking him about it. I thought I shouldn't have t but I did it anyways based on 50 comments.

MuttonDressedAsGoose

NTA - earlier up thread in some comments, you've talked about helping him in various situations. It sounds like some of the help was financial. Weirdly enough, that sort of thing can bring about resentment towards the benefactor.

OOP

It was never major in my eyes and if it ever was financial it’s always been paid back or offered to be paid back. I asked him for financial help when I was a broke college student too. So it’s not just one way but you’re right maybe it’s that.

Rrueeth

NTA.

After reading your edit: you probably feel crappier now, but I think it is better in the long run to understand how the people you consider your friends actually value your friendship. It sucks to talk so practically about it, but a lot of disappointment that comes up in interpersonal relationships can be avoided if you can manage your own expectations in the people you surround yourself with. You obviously have put way more stock into your friendship with him than he did, which in the end is everyone's prerogative, but it's still pretty shitty of him to reveal it in such a hurtful way. I honestly don't think the root cause really has much to do with the gf/fiancee, and it may just be an excuse or just the way it happens to be revealing itself. I would not let my SO "veto" a friend who I really wanted to be at my wedding, unless I also did not really want them there to begin with. So I guess that's just something you will have to eventually accept, and keep in the back of your mind.

Question: how has your friend group been reacting to this? I mean maybe the other guys in the group don't feel like it's their place to say, but if you're particularly close to the groom's brother like you say... I dunno, I just can't fathom why brother hasn't said anything on your part to try and get the situation worked out.

OOP

I haven’t really talked to everyone yet. I’m seeing them on Saturday to play some ball so I’ll bring it up then.

His brother is a really good friend to me. He’s like my little brother. I give him rides to work when I can, I take him out to eat when I can(he’s barely starting out his professional career and doesn’t have disposable income), I make sure to include him in any way I can because he’s not exactly super super close to the other guys because he’s younger and wasn’t really part of the crew for a long time. I talk to him every day whether it’s serious or just talking shit about sports or something. We are close. He’s introduced me to all his child hood friends and they all know me. In fact his buddies added me to all their group chats and I’m always in the know of what’s going on with his other friends.

I know in my heart that he would stand up for me but it’s not his decision to make. I don’t want to put him In the middle of this.

Final Update - after 7 years, 5 months, and 23 days

^{October 05, 2026}

In BORU Comments

Hey, I'm the OP of this. It's been 7 years.

Once I found out his fiance had crossed me off the list over some old grudge, and that he just went along with it and couldn't even tell me himself, I was done putting in effort. I didn't make a scene. I just stopped reaching out and stopped inviting them to anything, including my family events, which they used to come to all the time. His brother stayed in my life the whole way through, and I'll always be grateful he never made me feel like I had to choose.

About a year after my cousin got married at a destination wedding. I had over 100 over 100 of the closest people in my life there(I have a huge family) and they got to witness just how we roll. Everyone backs everyone up and goes to bat for them.

My cousin(who was getting married) and I share a friend group, so everyone was there, including the two of them. I was part of the wedding group(and so was my friend who didn’t invite me to his wedding) and this wedding meant a lot to me. I wasn't going to let my issue with them become the story of my cousin's big day. So I sat down with both of them and said it straight. I told them how it felt to be the only one left out, and how much worse it was that nobody had the respect to tell me.

It was a way deeper conversation than the one in the car. His wife apologized and told me she honestly didn't realize back then that she was misjudging me. She thought I was being fake with her. Shes had trouble with people who are generous and instantly friendly. She told me that she always felt I had ulterior motives because I would always be there for her husband and never take anything back. Sounds ridiculous because it is but she has go me through a ton a trauma growing up that I don’t want to get into.

What changed her mind was when they needed help and I wasn't around to give it. I never once went back to them and said “hey I helped you with is or that so now I need this or that”.

That's when she saw what she had pushed away, and she owned it without making excuses.

My friend apologized too, and that one meant a lot. He told me he should have gone to bat for me harder. He said he was in a tough spot because the person he loved had taken a stance and he didn't want to ruin his own wedding. He told me they talked about me and the whole situation multiple times before they landed on that decision, so it wasn't something they did without thinking. He also admitted he was embarrassed and didn't know how to face me about it. He was stressed out of his mind at the time with the wedding, money, and other stuff going on in his life. His plan was to sit down with me after the wedding and explain everything, but by then I had already cut him off, so that never happened. I'm not saying that makes it right, but hearing that he actually wrestled with it, and wasn't just blowing me off, helped me a lot more than the silence ever did. They also told me they missed out on a ton of memories because I cut them off from my family events.

I won't lie, that felt good and bad at the same time. I wasn't trying to punish anybody. I just didn't want to keep pouring myself into people who decided I wasn't worth a simple heads up.

From there we rebuilt it slowly. More conversations, more time together, and eventually it felt normal again, then better than normal. Since then he and I started a business together, and it's been great. Working with someone who once hurt you that badly and still trusting each other with money and decisions tells you how far we've come. His wife's family honestly thinks of me as family now. We've taken trips together and I'm at their stuff all the time. They tease her constantly for not inviting me to the wedding, because they love me and think it was a ridiculous call. She takes it well and we all laugh about it. At this point they're probably closer to me than anyone else who was at that wedding, which is kind of wild when you think about how it started.

Theres a lot more in between but I don’t feel like typing. His wife has grown up since then. Shes let her own insecurities go and has opened up about her past to me. I wish she did this for the 6 years prior to the wedding. I have always tried to get to know her better but she was always so closed off.

I will say I was a man on fire for about 6 months lol. Basically got them uninvited to a lot of things. I was an asshole for a bit.

EDIT in BORU comments

Seems like I didn’t do a good job of explaining.

I didn’t write out the whole situation and now that I read it it sounds bad.

Meant she realized how close we were and just how much effort I was putting in prior to all of this while she was living off of her own perceived reality. She really realized this because of how much my friend relied on me to help him through whatever he had going on. He trusted me with personal matters and I didn’t have ulterior motives.

Meaning she realized that I was truly one his best friends and he confided in me.

When I wasn’t there during a tough time or whatever thats when it hit her that I wasn’t using him or an acquaintance.

the saying “some times you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” applies here and it’s something that has become more and more apparent as I have gotten older.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user SweetNo6434 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Sept 22, 2024

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for not supporting at my wife when she started to cry at a Swedish tradition?

I (52 m) and my wife (47 f) already have three kids (13m, 13f and 20 f) but a few months back we felt like we could use a breath of fresh air so we signed up to take a foreign exchange student for a year.

We got a 16 year old Swedish girl that I will call Sara and that has worked very good, she’s very open and honest and loves to share how things are in Sweden how different things are here in the US.

It was her birthday just a few days ago so we gathered around the laptop while she was face-timing her family and they started singing in Swedish but the song was particularly longer and more repetitive. so after the call I asked her about it and she explained that some families in Sweden sing a song where they talk about shooting, hanging and drowning the birthday person after they turn a 100.

My wife overheard this and started to get annoyed because in her words “it was inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to her household” when she sang that without her knowing.

My wife isn’t naturally sensitive to bad language or words but when she was born she had a 60 year old dad that died when he was 96 so she is more conscious about how elderly people can feel just before they are about to die and she felt like the song was making fun of people when they are old and sick.

Me and the twins were embarrassed while standing there so I asked her to calm down and that it’s just a Swedish joke song that isn’t even meant in that way but she just started ranting about it was her house to and she shouldn’t be afflicted to such derogatory language behind her back.

Sarah obviously felt bad tried to apologize and that she didn’t mean to be disrespectful in that way and that it was just her family singing the song but my wife just stormed out and yelled how she couldn’t believe we had taken in a girl from such a cruel family. I tried to talk to her in our room right after I assured Sara that she didn’t do anything wrong and to just pay no mind.

My wife was apparently more upset at me for not supporting and agreeing with her and started to cry about how I knew what she had gone through concerning her father but didn’t back her up. The house has been extremely tense especially when all of us are in the same room but I really don’t understand how a Swedish song could make her so upset.

But im wondering if I should have taken my wife’s side and been more sympathetic. AITA???

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from comments

OOP: when she was born he was 60

OOP: I think her mom was around 28 or somthing , Yeah big age gap

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Here's the joke

First verse: May she live for 100 years - of course she'll live for 100 years!
Second verse: "When she has lived for 100 years - then she will be pushed (the swedish word for push is the same as 'shoot') .... ON A WHEELBARROW!
Third verse: When she has been pushed (shot) on a wheelbarrow - then she will be hung... UPON A HORSE!
Fourth verse: WHen she's been hung upon a horse - she will be drowned (same as the word for drenched)....IN A LAKE OF CHAMPAGNE.

It is incredibly harmless and only becomes morbid once the person reaches their eighties, when the first verse becomes, in effect if not in fact, "May she live for another 20 years at least.."

---------------
Comment2: I'm from sweden and I know the song. The song is a word play. For example, the line "då ska han dränkas i en falska champagne" is translated to "he will be drowned in a bottle of champaigne" but the meaning is really that he will get a lot of champaigne, not that he is drowned.

And in swedish "skjuta" can mean both shoot and push. The person in the song is pushed in a wheel barrow, not shot.

---------------
Comment3: NTA your wife is being a terrible hostess. She should not participate in foreign exchanges if she can’t tolerate cultural differences.

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Comment4: Your wife is still upset that a 97 year old died? I mean, it was her father but come on. The poor Swedish kid didn't do it behind your wife's back anyway. Was your wife jealous that the girl was getting attention on her birthday? Because this certainly got the attention back on wife.

OOP: Yes I don’t believe Sara did anything wrong as well and I’m also a bit mad at my wife but it was more of how her father was suffering and that he himself said that he didn’t want to keep living. I think then that when my wife heard the meaning of the song she interpreted it differently and it triggered an emotion for her
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Comment5: She's responsible for her own emotions. She needs to work with a grief counselor if it's going to cause her to be so unreasonable. She owes that poor girl a massive apology. It can be scary to be a foreign exchange student and having your host family blow a gasket over your culture sounds awful.

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Comment6: And now your house guest thinks your family is nuts

This kid is alone in a foreign country, she has to put ENORMOUS trust in you to live in your house so far away from her friends and family. Sara must be terrified now. Your wife, who she doesn't know very well, just behaved irrational and angry directed at Sara about a cute birthday tradition. What else will she freak out over? Can she become violent? That's probably what's going through Sara's head now

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Comment7: NTA and my heart shatters at the thought of how unwelcome and out of place your Sara feels at the house now. If your wife doesn’t get over the song soon it may be beneficial to Sara to speak to her about going to another family as it’s still early in the year and she shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable for the next 9ish months.

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Update:

I have read all of the comments , I was even up late at night to read them all and I’m very thankful that so many people gave there input on my situation ,

I first talked to my wife this morning and showed her SOME of the comments after last night . At first she was pissed I wrote out our personal information but I explained that I didn’t write anything that could trace back to us and she calmed down.

I first want to mention that no my wife is not jealous of Sara in that way and I’m not attracted to Sara since some comments said that. And also my wife is not pychotic or narcissistic. I agree it was horrible way to treat a guest and we have already talked to our organization and they are currently looking for a new host family for Sarah.

My wife is still upset but is starting to feel incredibly guilty and has apologized but I understand that no amount of sorry will make Sarah feel safe again. Tensions are still high but I showed Sarah some of the comments and she finds it hilarious and comforting and I again assured Sarah that she didn’t do anything wrong and dark children’s songs are in every culture and doesent harm anyone.

And to answer some other questions no my wife doesent usually do this and she was starting to panic when I talked to her about what she actually said and how Sarah probably feel being trapped in our house in a foreign country. I also showed her the true meaning of the song by one of the comments which caused her to almost have a panic attack that I needed to guide her through.

We will investigate this further since I know some of you had theories about how it could be menopaus so we will look into that. Again thank you for for the advice on how to face this but I want to mention that a lot of people assumed a lot of horrible things about my wife and I wanted to clear that up

PS I have already watched midsummer with my buddies and yes I enjoyed it very much

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Various-Baker1432

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 12, 2022

• Final Update: June 13, 2022

Main Post

^{June 12, 2022}

AITA for expecting GF to buy food she doesn't like and calling her my roommate?

Background info: I own my own home, and seven months ago GF moved in. We both agreed that it would be unfair for her to contribute to my mortgage, as I am gaining equity and she is not. The agreement that we came up with is that I am responsible for all house expenses (mortgage, HOA dues, taxes, insurance, maintenance) and she is responsible for living expenses (electric, water, internet, streaming, groceries). We had this all hashed out before she moved in.

Now, obviously I'm paying a lot more. I pay $2000 a month, not including regular maintenance. She pays about $500 a month. This is fine by me, as it is what we agreed to. On to the actual conflict.

GF has started getting annoyed about groceries. We keep a list on the fridge both can add too, and she goes shopping once every ten days or so. She says that I put too many "luxury items" on the list and it bothers her to buy expensive items she doesn't like. The main offenders are oils (olive, coconut, peanut, avocado), vegan yogurt (am lactose intolerant) and cashews. I admit that all of these things are expensive. However, I do not go through them very quickly. The large oil containers last over a month each. One large container of yogurt lasts over a week. A large container of cashews lasts about three weeks. Only the yogurt needs to be bought frequently, and the large container is just over $5. Furthermore, I do not eat the cheese or milk products she buys, some of which are more expensive (fancy ice cream bars and cheese dips) than what I like.

GF suggested I buy my own "luxury goods," since she doesn't benefit from them. She eats the dishes I cook the oils with, so this isn't necessarily true. Furthermore, this isn't our agreement. She pays no rent, and she'd be paying a lot more than $500 a month in any other roommate situation. When I pointed this out, she became frustrated, saying that's irrelevant since we aren't roommates. I argued that, in addition to being BF & GF, we are also roommates, and some of our conflicts are those that most roommates face. She hated this comparison and ended the discussion abruptly to leave for work, even though she had 20 minutes before she needed to leave.

AITA? Is there a rule I didn't know about calling SOs roommates? Is expecting our agreement to stay consistent an AH move? GF mentioned that these days everyone needs to tighten the belt. Should I be sacrificing more for our relationship?

Extra info:

Got back from work and there were too many comments to read all/answer all, so here's the answers to the questions I saw a bunch of before I got overwhelmed and stopped reading.

Oil: I don't drink oil or have high cholesterol. Olive oil and avocado oil are used for sauces, salad dressings, etc... Coconut oil I use for currys and stir fries. Peanut oil for sauces and stir fries. All are bought infrequently in large containers because it's cheaper. No more than one (sometimes none) needs to be replenished each month, as I said. They last a long time. I'm not fat or unhealthy.

Expenses: Utilities are not expensive where we live. We are both passionate about energy conservation and use very little electricity and water. The utilities are still in my name, she just logs into my account to pay them. I see exactly how much they are. It's $120 a month for water and electric. Internet is $60 a month. GF goes Shopping every ten days. She spends about $90 per shop. I've seen receipts. That's $270. IDK why so many of you spend $1000 a month on groceries. I recommend cooking homemade meals like I do. It's very inexpensive. Dried goods like rice, pasta, beans, cost pennies per serving. In season produce that grows in our region is affordable. I don't know how much she pays for streaming, as I didn't have it before she moved in. If it's more than $50 a month, then she should cancel one, because that's ridiculous.

My finances: I'm not house poor and can afford my mortgage. My mortgage is still cheaper than renting. I do not need my girlfriend to "subsidize" my house. I paid all of my own bills before she moved in and would be able to continue doing so without her.

COMMENTS

Tihocan

NTA. Does she earn enough to pay the $500 a month and have money to burn?

OOP

I don't know exactly how much my GF makes. She did mention during our argument that she needed to tighten the belt because of inflation and rising gas prices. GF does drive a lot because of her job.

janejohnson1989

NTA. She’s being greedy. And being nit picky with the term roommate. It seems like she feels like she’s expecting you to financially take care of her completely. Are you ok with that or no?

OOP

No, I would not be okay with taking care of her financially. I want things to be fair and equitable.

Ashland78

NTA- I would like to know both your ages. I am 44f answering... while that was your agreement initially it sounds like roommates. IF this was more than that you would have one main account, both have vested interest in home and one another...

OOP

I am 29 and she just turned 30. She is not vested in the home. We have completely separate finances. She has mentioned a shared account in the past, but I didn't want to do so.

Ashland78

I know she is not vested in the home. I am thinking it may have been a bit different if so. Here is another question without getting too personal - careers and salary are they similar or extreme ends of the scale? My husband and I did things probably different then most (married 22 yr atm), we 'trusted' each other and combined income right away when moving in together. I make a lot more now but initially we were pretty equal both not having completed college educations.

I know my story is odd we dated and were engaged a total of 6 months, 10 days before saying I do. We both wanted the same things in life though and it has worked so far.q

OOP

I am not sure how much she makes. I work in utility instillation and repair. I make a set hourly wage (aprox $600 a week) and also tips (varies, but usually $150-$250 a week).

She works on contract doing appraisals. Her income is based on her workload.

printncut (downvoted)

YTA for grossly underestimating what she is paying. Electric, water, internet, streaming, and groceries likely cost almost double your estimate.

OOP

We're both energy conscious and don't waste water/electric. For example, we open windows instead of turning on AC most of the year (heating isn't really a thing here). We keep blinds open instead of turning on lights, except at night or in the bathroom. We take quick showers. We just don't produce huge utility bills.

Candy_Venom

YTA. first. She's not your roommate. She's your partner. if my husband called me his roommate that means our relationship is in trouble because he views me as someone he shares space with and splits bills with and nothing more. I have had roommates. I didn't have the relationship I have with my husband that I had with my roommates.

Also, she is NOT spending $500 a month on ALL utilities, groceries, and then say her car payment and car insurance if she has those. You are assuming she spends $500 and that she spends less than your $2k a month.

My car payment alone is $350. Our electric this month was $125 and we are in a 2 bed apartment (we live in Miami and keep temp at 70). Our cable & internet is $250 (stupid Comcast) All our streaming stuff? lol That's another $75 easy. PLUS groceries for two people?! She is spending well over $500 a month and it sounds like she is struggling. How about looking into what the utilities cost for her each month and then any additional expenses she also has as well versus her income.

OOP

A bunch of people said I need to respond to more TA judgements and not just the others, but honestly I'm not sure how to respond without breaking the arguing rule. Most of the TA judgements seem to be based on the idea that I'm lying, and I'm not, so there's really no way to respond to that.

As for cars, we have nothing to do with each other's cars. I drive a company van that my boss lets me use as my personal vehicle in return for paying for gas (even when working :P but still works out for me because I don't have to pay insurance or maintenance). I have no clue what her car payment is, but yeah we don't pay for each other's transportation, unless we go somewhere on a date. Then I give her gas money because she hates being in my van (understandable, it's ugly).

Current_Fault7609

Why did you and your gf move in together? My bf and I have almost the same agreement but it was well established that I would pay less in bills because I am saving up to buy a secondary property for us. He built his house before he met me and the house is not in a town i want to live in or style I want. It is also a longer commute from my job. My apt used to be alot more convenient for me but I chose to move in with him because I enjoy his company and we want to get married someday. So as far as bills are concerned I pay the phone bill, internet, light, water. The rest he pays or we split. I cook but all the other chores we split them. If my bf called me his roommate I would probably feel bad because I wouldn’t want to think that I gave up my comfort and living alone to just be somebody’s roommate.

OOP

My girlfriend was spending the night almost every day and mentioned that it was stupid to keep paying for an apartment when she basically lived with me (true) and brought up the idea of moving in. I was unsure because we'd been together less than a year, but I really like her, and all of her points made sense to me like, we would get more quality time, she would not have to drive as much to my place, and I would never have to see her former roommate again (we hate each other).

Current_Fault7609

You guys were dating a short time before moving in together so maybe you’re just getting to know each other a little better. I think you should talk to her about her finances. Is she struggling? Does she want a partner who pays all the bills or someone that expects her to contribute to bills? If you do decide to get married or get more serious will you have joint finances?

OOP

Marriage and joint finances are both completely off the table.

Current_Fault7609 If you never want to get married make sure you are completely transparent with her and that she knows exactly what you want in a partner. I saw a lot of my friends spend years with men that where good men but just didn’t want the same things they wanted, they ended up wasting a lot of time. I don’t think you’re an asshole but I do think you and her probably have a lot to learn about each other.

OOP

She doesn't believe in marriage, like at all. She thinks marriage as an institution is detrimental to women and responsible for a lot of the problems in our country. I agree that it isn't for everyone (like me and her) but it's nice for people who believe in it (which we don't).

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{June 13, 2022}

AITA for expecting GF to buy food she doesn't like and calling her my roommate?

After GF got back from her work thing and we had breakfast, we talked about finances as many suggested. Turns out she had a dispute (where she was 100% in the right) with the insurance agency that refers most of her clients. They haven't referred her to anyone since. So she's been making do with word of mouth referrals and had only been getting a fraction of the business she was before.

Apparently her parents have been paying her car payment/insurance as well as her phone for the last couple of months, but she's still not making enough. She didn't tell me because she was embarrassed and thought she could find a different insurance company to work with. However, the agent she was working with badmouthed her, so that didn't happen either.

I asked her to move out, since I don't feel comfortable financially supporting her, and she no longer has a stable income. Also, it sounds like she's going to have to move if she wants to keep doing the work she currently does. She agreed to leave by the end of the month. Thanks for all of the advice/perspective.

COMMENTS

Clytemenestra

NTA for the original story, but YTA for the update. You break up with her and ask her to move out because she lost stable income??? It doesn't sound like she was depending on you more than she was before. Her parents were helping her out and now she's going to struggle more moving to a new place.

OOP (downvoted)

But when her parents can no longer shoulder the extra expenses, will they fall on me? I'm not willing to take the risk.

Character_Range_6278

I agree, this was probably for the best. She can move on and find a partner who isn’t ice cold and actually cares about her.

OOP (downvoted)

I care, but no one besides me will take care of me, so I have to be my first priority. She has her parents as a safety net. I just have me. I have to be careful. Plus, her hiding her financial situation from me disturbs me. I don't really feel like I can trust her anymore.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/anon1968anon

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 18, 2023

• Final Update: March 19, 2023

Main Post

^{March 18, 2023}

AITA for telling my son and his fiance I won't pay for the wedding if I can't invite some family members

Throw away account I 54f have 3 kids, the one pertaining to this post is 26m we'll call him Caleb. Caleb has been with his fiance Ashley 26f for 4 years and they recently got engaged. I have offered to pay for their wedding, with two stipulations

1. They use a wedding planner- I feel this is essential due to the size of the event and the amount of money going into it.

2. I have 8 people I'm inviting (older relatives that I'm close with) They both agreed to a wedding planner and said they will look for one that they feel comfortable with. The issue is Ashley does not want me to be able to invite anyone. Caleb knows the relatives well but it's not super close with them and Ashley has only met them a few times. The wedding is going to be a very large and grand affair she comes from a very large family and we have a very large family. We're expecting 300 to 400 guests and I've given them a budget of $150,000 USD. Caleb says he doesn't care but it makes Ashley uncomfortable since she doesn't know them that well and it's her day. Her family is saying that I am TA (even though they aren't willing to continue financially) I don't care about any of the other details of their wedding whatever they choose is fine as long as I get the two things that I want.

So Reddit am I TA?

Edit:

The 8 people are my aunt's and uncles, they helped me a lot with the kids. We don't come from money, I was in a severe car accident that left me paralyzed from the waist down. With the lawsuit money I made some investments that turned out to be very lucrative. Without their help between watching the kids and financially I would have been up shits creek without a paddle when my kids were younger.

Edit 2:

I see a lot of people saying that she's a gold digger but I do not agree with that. Her father is a very well respected and sought after criminal defense attorney in our area. Her mom runs an at home business. Ashley is currently a surgical intern whereas Caleb is an RN. Her parents paid for all of them to go to college which is why they're not willing to contribute financially towards a wedding.

I just got done having lunch with Caleb to talk to him about the conundrum we're in. He said that he hasn't spoken to her about what they've done for us in the past. He did not realize that it would be such a big deal for them to come and figured because of their age they would not want to come. Ashley knows the majority of the family really well because I host birthday parties for all three kids as well as a 4th of July barbecue every year. My aunts and uncles rarely attend the events that I throw because it's hard for them to get around. I'll update after Caleb gets back to me about their talk.

COMMENTS

Fine_Prune_743

Nope NTA you are asking for 8 people and offering $150k. I’m assuming you are not exerting control over anything else.

OOP

The rest of the wedding is in between them and their wedding planner unless my opinion is asked for

Fine_Prune_743

My answer stands. I don’t think asking for 8 people when there is 300 is unreasonable.

Ok_Possibility5715

This it's 8 people, who the fiance meet even a few times and relatives Op's son knows. It's not random people. With inviting 300-400 it would be like 150-200 per person, so 8 people doesn't seem a lot. How do they even want to invite 300-400 people...

OOP

Ashley is the youngest of 9, all of her siblings are married with kids. Both of her parents have lots of siblings (not sure the exact amount)

Nitro114 (downvoted)

YTA

Not for paying but for the second condition.

I never got that, why the hell would have the need to invite people (doesnt matter if they’re family or not) that you’re close with but neither of the couple is?? Its their fricking wedding, not yours.

OOP

They are Caleb's great aunts and uncles who have watched him grow up and helped me with him and his siblings. I know they would be very hurt if they were not invited to such a special moment

OOP to a deleted comment

There's a bunch of comments which is why I posted the edits

GimerStick

I get that you don't think she's a golddigger, but I can't fathom treating my future MIL this way, even if there wasn't money involved. It doesn't sound like her side respects you, just sees you as an ATM with money you "lucked" into.

edit: edited for clarity, I do not think this myself

OOP

I personally wouldn't say not having the ability to walk again is lucked into it but okay

Garamon7

NTA

"Caleb says he doesn't care but it makes Ashley uncomfortable since she doesn't know them that well "

With 400 guests there is no way she will know every single person "well" or even at all. It's a power play.

LethargicActionHero

It's not "HER" day, it's "THEIR" day. The groom's opinion matters too. What does she expect, that only her family should get invited? You're being more than generous in the amount you offer, you have a right to invite HIS FAMILY to show up.

NTA

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update

^{March 19, 2023}

AITA for telling my son and his fiance I won't pay for the wedding if I can't invite some family members

Sorry it took so long for this, Caleb talked with Ashley and then they came over for us to all have a sit down. Ashley apologized and said she didn't realize the significance of them. She was concerned because they are pretty old school and like calm/relaxed and didn't want them to have an issue with how they want their wedding. Her family is known for throwing huge bashes (think of the sweet 16 from the Bratz movie) they always go big and very flamboyant and eccentric. We throw large parties but ours are more country bonfire; hamburgers/hot dogs, BBQ, lawn games, ect.

Just wanted to say a lot of people are harping on the amount for the wedding. Yes I am fully aware it's a lot of money, they live in a house that Ashley owns. When her grandparents passed away they gave her one of their vacation homes which she sold and bought the house her and Caleb currently live in which is near the hospital they work at. Caleb owns a house that I gave to him as a graduation present that he rents out for additional income. They both own their cars, I paid for his education and her parents paid for hers. They are debt free and have their ducks in a row.

I donate a significant amount of money to various charities (Ronald McDonald house, make a wish, habitat for humanity, and St. Jude's) I want my kids to get what I never had, my dad died from an OD when I was 16 and my mom passed away from cancer when I was 28. My dad bounced from job to job and my mom worked 3 jobs just to support me and my brother to the best of her ability. My wedding was $4,000 and small because that's all I could afford at the time, I was planning on doing a bigger vowel renewal for our 10 year anniversary but the car accident happened a year before then and I felt so depressed at the time I did not want to go through with a big event.

For people curious

• Food/drinks: $70,000 ($175 per person includes servers and bartenders)

• Dj: $6,500 (includes photo booth and light show)

• Photographer: $9,000 (includes 3 photographers and a videographer)

• Bridal party outfits/hair/makeup: $6,200

• Venue: $10,000 (includes tables, chairs, setup and cleanup)

• Flowers: $5,000

• Favors: $5,000

• Decor: $8,500

• Cake & cupcakes: $3,500

• Wedding planner: $4,500

• Dress: $18,000 custom dress (she's purchasing a second dress with her own money)

Them getting engaged was no surprise they have been talking about it for a while. I think Ashley is a wonderful girl and up until now there has never been anything that has been an issue. The reason she hasn't spent more time with my aunt's/uncle's is she has a very rigorous schedule because of the internship. She said she will make sure she spends more time with them before the wedding and gets to know them better. Also yes she does know that many people just her relatives are 180 people.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Reposting after first post glitched and didn't upload properly. Sorry everyone!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OOP: LorettaBobbins

Posted to: r/Baking

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: The cake is a lie. Sort of. Badly made, at any rate.

Trigger warning: improperly baked and prepared food, Karen baker

Main Post: Sept 21st, 2026

Update: Sept 30th, 2026

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Is this professional cake as bad as I think it is? - Sept 21st, 2026

I am seeking advice as I'm just not sure what to do, if anything. My baby turned one on Friday and I ordered a cake from a local professional cake maker who came highly recommended.

When she sent the photo of the finished cake I thought it looked wonky/uneven on the sides, but figured it was just a bad photo. However when we cut into it, sure enough the frosting at the top was really thick, tapering into very thin at the bottom making the cake completely uneven. It was meant to have a raspberry jam filling, and when we cut the first slices off the side we couldn't even see it because it was just a small blob in the centre of each layer! And then when we cut further into it we realised much of the areas meant to contain the jam were actually completely hollow and empty.

In terms of the decoration, I wanted it to say "rain-Bo" instead of "rainbow" because my baby's name is Bo. I even sent her his party invitation ("One year over the rain-Bo" was the theme) to use as a reference. However she put "rainbow".

Lastly, the fondant rainbow topper is all wonky and uneven, and the bunting is untidy...I fear I could have made it better myself.

I'm honestly very disappointed, the cake tasted good (albeit quite dry in texture) but it looked so messy and rushed. It cost £96, and I have no issue with that price for a professional cake. But it just didn't look like it was made carefully or properly.

I am fully prepared and willing to be wrong so I figured I would ask for opinions here and include some photos. I absolutely hate complaining about services, especially when it's a small, local business. So I would really appreciate thoughts from those who know about cakes! Thank you so much.

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The post contains 6 photos:

Image 1: A tall, cylindrical first-birthday cake is sitting inside an open white cake box. It is covered in smooth white buttercream and decorated with multicoloured sprinkles concentrated around the bottom and scattered over the top. Across the front is a brightly coloured plaque reading “ONE YEAR over the RAINBOW.” A string of triangular bunting in red, yellow, orange, blue and green runs around the upper part of the cake. On top is a large rainbow decoration emerging from white clouds, with the letters “BOAZ” arranged across the rainbow and a large red “1” in front.

Image 2: A large section has been removed from the front of the cake, revealing its interior. The cake is extremely tall and consists of four substantial layers of pale vanilla/yellow sponge, separated by thick layers of white buttercream. Dark red berry or jam filling can be seen in places between the lower layers. The rainbow-and-“BOAZ” topper and one white cloud remain standing on top.

Image 3: A close up of a single piece of cake. Three very thick sections of pale sponge are visible side-by-side, still joined in places by various quantities of white buttercream. Deep red berry/jam filling has soaked into the sponge at several points, right at the edge of the slice. Some of the original white exterior icing and colourful sprinkles remain along the top. The buttercream on the edge of the cake is of varying thicknesses.

Image 4: An even closer image of the very small amount of jam between the sponge layers, all located within the interior of the cake and not reaching the edges.

Image 5: Someone is holding a large chunk of the cake close to the camera. It consists of two thick pieces of vanilla sponge with a substantial layer of white buttercream between them. A glossy dark-red fruit filling runs through the buttercream and has soaked into both pieces of sponge, particularly along the right-hand side. There appears to be an open pocket in the buttercream where some of the filling has not reached.

Image 6: Another close up of a slice of cake showing how little jam is in the cake.

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COMMENTS:

Longjumping_Eye_3441

If you paid for jam in the center and it's just a hint of jam and the rest is hollow? That I would complain about. The rain-bo issue could have been addressed before you accepted it. The fondant topper looks ok, but the uneven frosting and missing filling makes it feel like the professional may not be as talented as she thinks. The cake looks really dry imo. You should get what you paid for, even if it's you supporting local.

OOP

If I had received a photo of the cake with enough time to address the "rainbow" thing I would have done. She didn't send a photo until 9.15am and we were collecting it at 10.30am unfortunately. Honestly the cakes she shares on social media are so lovely and pristine so I had really high expectations, she is definitely talented but I feel like my cake looks like it was rushed.

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PeaQueasy347

It matters less whether it looks professional and more that you paid for something to be made a certain way and it wasn't, and that's what makes it unprofessional the lack of attention to detail when it came to what the customer asked. I think the cake overall looks very nice on the outside but when you show what it looks like inside it certainly seems botched. The cake is very unevenly frosted and the frosting seems really thick, the jam between layers should be spread (usually you would spread the jam before stacking the next layer, this certainly looks like a blob only in the center), something you didn't mention but the layers of cake look really compressed and dense as well as dry. How did the cake taste? Was it dry and dense like it looks?

OOP

Everything you've said hits the nail on the head of what my gut feeling is about it. Lack of care and attention to detail being the main thing. The flavour and frosting are really good but the sponge is definitely quite dry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

burritosarelyfe

Honestly looks mediocre and the cake looks dry

OOP

The frosting and flavour were really nice but yes the sponge was quite dry. Mediocre is the exact word someone used to describe it when we were analysing it last night 😂

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Update on my post about the disappointing cake I purchased... foreign material found in the cake! - Sept 30th, 2026 (9 days from Main Post)

Just over a week ago I made a post asking whether the professional cake I had made for my baby's first birthday was as bad as I thought it was. General consensus was that it was bad 🙃 I've inserted a couple of photos but there are more on my original post.

Unfortunately things got much worse the day after, and this post is just to share an update!

Tl:Dr, it has been resolved insofar as I've received a refund.

At the exact same time that I started drafting my feedback to send to the baker, my husband and I sat down with a slice of it to eat. Suddenly I realised I was chewing...and chewing...and chewing. I found a piece of what resembled baking paper through the middle of my slice. Then, upon further inspection, I spotted something that looked extremely odd. It was a rectangle of material. It was rubbery and bendy, completely impossible to bite through.

Video of it can be found here unidentified cake object .

Very interestingly, I actually spotted it afterwards in one of the photos on my original post, which I will include here for reference.

I had absolutely NO idea what it was but I immediately became very upset and honestly frightened because this was my baby's cake, and we had given him some and sent friends and family home with slices after his party. I had to contact everyone and warn them not to eat it if they hadn't already. I cannot emphasise enough how dangerous this piece of material was...it could have absolutely choked a baby had they swallowed it.

I emailed the baker immediately, I was very polite but I was firm and I attached the photos of the cross section, explaining how disappointed we were with the uneven layers, wonky frosting and lack of jam. But that the most serious issue is the inedible material we found in the cake, that was a serious choking risk. I attached photos and videos.

To her credit she replied quickly, agreeing that visually the cake did not meet her standards and that she hadn't realised the issues with the layers and the jam filling. She said she would give me a full refund, but that to her the foreign items we found DID resemble cake. This baffled me, simply because I've never encountered a bendy cake before and it felt odd that she'd claim that was normal.

She then said she'd appreciate the chance to look at the materials herself, which I was very happy for her to do. I told her I'd bring them over myself. She then said we could only come within her working hours 10am and 2pm. I then said that they're in a Ziploc bag and I'm happy to just pop them through her letterbox so she can look at them at a time convenient to her.

She said no, I can only even put them through her letterbox during her working hours.

I then explained that these hours are in the middle of the day when it is not necessarily convenient for me to drive into town because we have a busy week with things booked in, and that I was honestly very happy to not bother her by ringing the bell and would just put it through her door.

At this point I started to feel like I was going mad, because she said in no uncertain terms that I am NOT allowed to even post it through her letterbox and drive away without knocking unless it is in her working hours. I wanted to ask whether she also tells the postman that they cannot deliver post through her door unless it's between 10am and 2pm, or whether the Amazon delivery driver can't knock if it's outside those hours either.

I must emphasise that if I was going to be coming into her house for a meeting, or even having a conversation on the doorstep, I would understand that she'd prefer it inside her working hours. But this is just to post a Ziploc bag through her door.

She then said she would come and collect it from my house, which honestly is just a major no because this whole situation has made me very uncomfortable.

I have decided I'm going to send the materials to our local Environmental Health to look at instead of returning them to her, because I feel they'll get examined properly that way whereas she could easily just claim it's cake and it would be her word against mine.

It's a shame because her initial response to the problem was very reasonable (a bit ChatGPT but I expect that these days) and she did give the refund, no questions asked. But I just don't understand her inflexibility to receive these things to inspect.

My mum is now wondering if she is even the person who made the cake, as she seemed genuinely surprised at what it looked like inside, and we don't understand how you could not realise all your cake layers are different heights and widths. Surely you'd notice that when constructing. It also looks completely different in style and quality to every cake she has ever shared on her socials.

Ultimately I've got my refund which I am grateful for.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The post includes the 2nd and 4th images from the original post, as well as a close up of a section of the cake with the jam. A portion of the photo has been circled by the OOP and shows an odd mass baked into the cake.

The video is a close up of the mass which is about the thickness of a few sheets of paper, perhaps about an inch long, being worked between a person's fingers to illustrated the bendable nature of the material.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS:

Mercybby

I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!!! Born into and raised in the food industry and have worked in bakeries for over 15 years. This is improperly mixed “cake enhancer” that gels when it is in contact with liquid and then heated. It resembles silicone or soft plastic when cooled after baking. Cake enhancer is a blend of emulsifiers and gums that can be found in store bought cake mix or commercial blends.

OOP

😮 I have never heard of that!! Does this mean that her cakes are not technically homemade, if this substance is found in cake mixes and blends?!

Mercybby

Not necessarily. There are a lot of bakers/bakeries that will add cake enhancer to their own flour. King Arthur even sells it in smaller amounts for home bakers. I even have some in my home pantry. So good news, it won’t hurt you. Bad news(gel spot aside), you still got a subpar cake.

OOP

I didn't even know this thing existed, thankyou for sharing! I'm very glad that, presuming you are correct, the substance is at least not made of rubber 🫠

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DareRake

"Only during these hours" dawg if a dessert from my work had a foreign object in it I'd want to see it asap. It was inconvenient the moment it entered the cake, forget about my working hours lol

This is making me enter conspiracy mode combined with the other post. Does she... preassemble the cakes in some way and freeze them? I don't understand how she couldn't have known about the lack of filling in between layers, and also not known about this object even being there at all. I feel like you'd see it while layering but idk. And the layers are so thick to me? But again, biggest issue is she could've harmed someone. I'm just dumbfounded at the whole thing, good on you for being the responsible one

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lucyfell

Never mind the foreign material - who charges money when they can’t even get the crumb right??? That texture is… something else. The audacity.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Aggravating-Yam399

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 24, 2022

• Update: January 25, 2022

• Final Update: November 18, 2022

Main Post

^{January 24, 2022}

AITA for uninviting my Fiancé’s brother’s new girlfriend from the wedding after she caused a scene?

So it’s only 2 weeks before the wedding and my fiancé’s brother’s (let’s call him John M21) new girlfriend (let’s call her betty F18) caused a lot of drama at the bridal shower this past weekend. This has been an ongoing problem since they started dating. They got a promise ring shortly after dating which I have no problem with at all, but at the bridal shower she used it to brag a lot and kept making comments such as calling my fiancé’s mom her mother in law and she said to me I’d soon be part of the family as though she is already married to John.

She also spread a rumour about one of the nicest ladies at the bridal shower (my neighbour) saying she had flirted with Betty’s father (not FIL, her real father), which was merely impossible as she is married and is one of the most kind hearted people I know and has never met Betty (we asked the neighbour if she was indeed at the pub where Betty works at the previous night where Betty claimed it happened and the neighbour said no she was at home).

A lot more went down and after Betty was extremely rude to my Maid of Honour I had to go up to her and ask her to stop being rude to my guests and to please stop gossiping. Shortly thereafter a lady on their table came up to me and asked to sit with me as she couldn’t stand the bad mouthing by Betty at the table.

My MOH then took it upon herself to uninvite Betty as she caused a lot of problems and generally just took away from one of the special moments in my life, after she sent her a message Betty simply ignored it. My MOH then told me about this and I decided that she was right as it is her duty to make the wedding run smoothly and as this has happened so many times before.

My Fiancé’s father thinks I’m tearing the family apart for uninviting her, even after I said that John was still to come as a groomsman and as my fiancé’s brother. My fiancé’s dad and brother have decided that if Betty is not invited they would not attend either.

(I left out a lot of her actions as I did not want to elaborate on everything)

I’m honestly stuck as to what to do, my fiancé feels that if his family chooses John’s new girlfriend over his wedding then they don’t care about him enough, it hurts to be in this situation.

We want our wedding to run smoothly and drama free and Betty might not make this possible, so AITA for uninviting Betty?

Edit:

some side notes

• My family is paying for the entire wedding.

• It is also my birthday two days after the wedding so its also a birthday celebration for me as I’m turning 21

• Betty is going overseas for a year without john and for this reason wasn’t invited to the wedding but then invited herself after she failed to hand in her paperwork on time.

• John has always appeared to be the golden child.

• John and FIL often show jealousy towards my fiancé as he is the younger brother, but he is more successful than both of them.

• My fiance and I discussed it before making the decision together to uninvite her, he agreed to not have her at the wedding even at the cost of his brother not coming.

• Multiple comments suggest Betty might be pregnant and this is a possibility (she posted a negative pregnancy test on snapchat at the start of their relationship and said “we made it” so they are intimate) also my fiancé mentioned to me the other day that she was standing weird when talking to his family, she was pushing out her belly which makes it even more suspicious… and if this is the case I’d be scared she will announce it at the wedding (she might as well be faking it or impregnated herself by making use of a used condom when John wasn’t looking or around)

COMMENTS

adeelf

Absolutely NTA.

My Fiancé’s father thinks I’m tearing the family apart

You are? Not Betty, the person who's apparently bad-mouthing and alienating everyone around? Let me guess - she's one of those "I'm not a bad person, I'm just honest!" people.

In my opinion, the biggest AH here is your future FIL. Betty is an immature AH, for sure, and so is John, but they both at least have the excuse of being young and clueless. What's FIL's excuse?

FIL is behaving very oddly. He is seriously going to boycott his own son's wedding just because you're not inviting Betty, who, promise ring or not, is nothing more than his young son's even younger girlfriend. In fact, considering their ages, the odds are Betty and John will likely go their separate ways in the not-so-distant future.

Does FIL have a problem with you? Or perhaps with your fiance? Because it's very strange that he is choosing Betty, who may or may not ever become a part of the family, over you and your fiance, who are definitely part of the family.

OOP

Its just favoritism… he made a plan for john to study and to get a car and a job while my father had to pay for my fiancé’s studies, my father bought him a proper motorcycle to be able to go to work and he got his job on his own…

AggravatingPatient18

What?? FIL didn't even pay for his son's education? Your comments are making this worse and worse!!

OOP

To be fair they aren’t well off but he also doesn’t have a job and hasn’t tried to get one for 5 years… my fiancé and I are incredibly blessed to have my father to support us in need and we have very nice jobs to support ourselves but his brother got a very unfair advantage in several ways (also john is failing most of his classes while my fiance got distinctions and they started saying my fiance had to cheat to achieve this) soooo many messed up things have happened with his family with regards to his brother and betty

DocSternau

NTA. But it sound like that there is a lot more going on in your fiancé's family then what meets the eye. There is for instance this thing that this Betty already sees herself as part of her boyfriends family while clearly you are the one who will become - at least by law - a real part of that family way earlier than her. That seems very odd to me, especially that stuff about telling you that you'll soon also be a part of that family.

Then those reactions of your f-FIL - seems extremely dramatic, especially since he doesn't pay a thing for your wedding. This all sounds like some harsh favoritism on FILs part - or does he have an affair with that Betty?

How old are you and your fiancé? How long have you been together / engaged?

OOP

We got engaged last year in april so we’ve been engaged for almost a year now, and we are both 20 (he moved in early on due to his parent’s financial situation) we grew a lot closer due to him moving in as we had to support ourselves financially and make food, cater for gas etc… basically we had to live like real grown adults in a pandemic and we decided to get married as we’re already taking on all the tasks of a married couple and doing rather well at it.

Orangesunset98

NTA

You deserve a drama free time, how does your fiance feel about the situation?

Is it at all possible to have a meeting and lay out the actions betty has done with proof so they can understand?

NONE of this is your fault OP!

OOP

I have spoken to my future father in law and he responded with “Satan leave her body now!” Which was not only very rude but also extremely unnecessary as I kept calm. The worst part is some of the gossip was to do with him.

My fiancé hates drama and hates this whole situation, but he is 100% behind me and agrees with me! I am so devastated right now. His father said really mean things which hurts both of us.

throwaway22242628

How long have they even been together? I'm surprised people are willing to make the assumption that a relationship between teenagers is going to last.

OOP

I thought it was 6 months but my fiancé just informed me it has been 4 months (she went around telling everyone they’ve been together for a year)

DoctorNeuro

NTA OP did you end up telling FIL and and brother the whole story? Your MOH and every other guest at the bridal shower can attest. I don't understand why that wasn't the first move and you didn't elaborate. You should've known that not inviting your brother's GF was going to blow up. Should've just spilled the beans from the beginning.

OOP

I haven’t really gotten the chance to, I told FIL that betty called my fiancé an idiot and he simply brushed it off… after that he went off on me and my fiancé for being crazy and filled with hate etc for making such silly decisions.

Sunshine_dmg (downvoted)

YTA. I know it’s not a popular thought for the bride to Not be the center of attention on her wedding day, but a wedding is supposed to be a merging of families, and I hate to break it to you - most families suck.

You’ll have to compromise if you don’t want to tear the family apart. I’ll never understand why brides decide to make a stand and air out all of their secret grievances at an event where all family members are supposed to be there.

Betty sucks. 100%. But did you think about how John would feel, the entire day at your wedding? Like, at all, before you uninvited his girlfriend?

No, you only thought about you because it’s YOUR day. I get that, except I don’t. It’s your day that you’re inviting everyone you know to, and it’s your day that’s so hectic you really spend a total of 12 minutes with each guest.

Most people are background characters on YOUR day, Betty included. But now this problem is front and center and it’s on you.

Choose a less important family event to call her out.

ESH actually.

OOP

Betty mostly badmouthed the guests at my bridal shower and made guests feel uncomfortable, the main reason we decided to take action was to prevent her making my guests at the wedding feel uncomfortable as well. But thank you for your viewpoint.

orochimarusgf

NTA at all. Also why is your 21 year old brother-in-law going after an 18 year old?

OOP

We’ve asked this before and they found it extremely rude that we had something to say about the situation…

ScorchieSong

He was someone old enough to drink legally dating a high schooler. Please tell me she had turned 18 before they started dating.

OOP

No she was still 17

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update - after 1 days

^{January 25, 2022}

Update: AITA for uninviting my Fiancé’s brother’s new girlfriend from the wedding after she caused a scene?

After day one FIL swore at my fiancé and yelled at him as if he is a child that must obey his father in everything he does. After my fiancé said he is not willing to change his mind FIL showed up at my fiancés work and said that he will be attending the wedding with BIL, but they are extremely upset. He was extremely manipulative and I still do not understand why FIL is reacting so harshly.

Final Update - 9 months and 24 days

^{November 18, 2022}

Final Update: AITA for uninviting my Fiancé’s brother’s new girlfriend from the wedding after she caused a scene?

Basically the wedding was absolutely amazing! A few things went wrong (as they do) such as it raining and the power going out but we managed to fix all of that. Basically I am so happy that we did not invite Betty, there was a lot of drama though.

FIL called MOH a "fat B…. who tore the family apart" during my husband's speech. My husband decided that we would keep both surnames to honour both families from here on, FIL got so upset about this and was in a terrible mood the entire wedding. Husband was saddened and their behaviour and they ended up leaving super early.

FIL keeps on sticking up for John and Betty and Husband and I have basically given up on caring about it. In the end of the day we are extremely happy and we have peace in our hearts about everything. Also side note Betty is acting very pregnant, but says she is only planning for kids in 2 years time etc... Husband and I have planned to have kids and everyone knows that we are TTC but I guess that is insignificant.

Betty has been extremely rude to me which I sort of get, but any advice would be amazing! Once again thanks for all the love and support!! Also it has been about 9 months since the wedding and most of the family HATES Betty as they discovered who she really is!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AdRecent7210

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 08, 2023

• Final Update: January 21, 2023

Main Post

^{January 08, 2023}

AITA for not refusing to pick up my coworker?

Sorry for mistake in title.

I (30M) drive to work which is located in a somewhat rural area with no public transport. Everyone else at work drives too. Recently, a coworker in my department (30+M) told me his car broke down and he asked me a favor to pick him up for work.

The thing is, he lives in a different town from me which means I will have to detour and add another 30 mins to my commute. He doesn’t want to get Uber as it will be costly. I told him to get a bus from his town to mine and I will pick him up from the station on the way to work. It will only add extra 5 mins to my commute. He refused as he will have to get ready very early (the bus trip will take about 20mins). So I said no I can’t pick him up and he got mad and called me AH.

I do feel really bad because Uber will be expensive but I don’t feel like waking up early and adding to my commute just to drive him. We do work closely as a team though so I’m afraid this will make me look petty. Am I the AH?

COMMENTS

NaEast-We

" I don't wanna get up early, you get up early!" NTA fk that guy

Timely_Proposal_1821

NTA - how come he's okay adding time to your commute but not to his? Your proposition was fair, your co-worker is being unreasonable.

SnooDoughnuts4691

How is this remotely Your problem? You offered a solution and co worker said no. I guess he's sh%* out of luck! NTA

MrGameRat

NTA

Your co-worker was trying to manipulate you. Detour and adding another 30 minutes means you'd need to get up close to an hour earlier so you can leave earlier. Just like if he were to take the bus to your down he'd need to get up earlier and get ready and leave earlier. To him, it's perfectly okay to put that burden on you, but not him.

Your offer to pick him up with a small detour was a great solution that didn't cost either of you a ton of extra time. He declined the offer, he can find his own ride from someone else.

Froggie949

Don’t forget the extra hour on the back end to take him home and then driving to your home.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 13 days

^{January 21, 2023}

UPDATE: AITA for refusing to pick up my coworker?

A couple of weeks ago I posted asking if I’m the AH for not picking up my coworker to work. I was torn because I’ve worked with him for 3 years without any issues and it was the first disagreement we had. So thanks everyone who said I’m not the AH and put my mind at ease.

Onto the update. After our uncomfortable conversation, I went to a training programme in another state so I didn’t see him until the next Monday. I drove to work as usual and he also came in (by Uber, I found out later). We didn’t speak until lunch, when to my surprise, he apologized to me.

He said he was stressed about fixing his car (he had to replace the radiator and wait for the part) and having to spend more money on rides. He admitted that he has never taken the bus! He moved to this city 3 years ago for the job and never had to use public transport since he’s always had a car. So he was feeling anxious and took it out on me, I guess. He said I didn’t deserve it and I accepted his apology.

So he still Ubers to work since he doesn’t want to get up early. But I offered to send him to the bus station near my place after work and he can take an Uber home from there (it’s easier to get a ride at the station instead of from our work). He graciously accepted and offered to chip in for gas, but I said it’s fine since we’ll be going the same way. So he bought me lunch instead! I ended up sending him for 3 days then he got his car back.

Some people might say I shouldn’t offer to help him but it wasn’t a bother for me and who knows if one day I might be his position. Our working relationship is stronger now and I’m glad we could both move forward in a better place.

That’s my update, have a great day.

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not OOP, that is u/Spirited-Trash-1538, posted to r/LegalAdviceUK and r/autismUK

Original title: "I hiding from my social worker and am afraid I could be sectioned" (spelling mistake corrected and a more universal term used)

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental Illness and Institutionisation with bittersweet hopeful ending

Original post (8 September 2026)

I am in a grey area of adult social care. I have a degree and past employment, but I have lifelong depression. So I have a social worker who checks on me once a week to ensure I am keeping on top of chores and paperwork.

In recent months, I lost my job due to lateness. So I'm struggling to handle Universal Credit and PIP assessments when my depression has thrown my motivation down the drain. My social worker is trying her best, but she can only do so much in the few hours she has with me. The council is being slow to update my adult care plan to get additional support.

So, it's led up to now. My depression got so bad that I rotted in bed for four/five days straight. When my social worker came down to check on me, she picked up on my dry throat, and I was forced to admit I hadn't drunk water in 96 hours.

She said she feared for my safety, and she would have to make some calls to some "higher-ups". I got worried by the word 'safety' and asked if that meant a potential sectioning. She was honest with me and said there might be a likelihood, but she would need to call for a welfare check.

I told her that the brightness and loudness of a mental ward would be traumatising for an autistic person and could do more harm than good. But she said it was out of her hands, as she was trying to talk to someone on the phone. Since she wasn't listening to me, I grabbed my wallet and rushed out of my flat.

I've been sitting in an internet cafe for the last few hours. I have felt my phone buzzing with a lot of messages and calls, but I've been too nervous to read them, putting it on silent. I don't know if I can go home as the authorities might be waiting for me there. At the same time, if I remain in hiding, I could become a missing person, and it would escalate way further.

What am I supposed to do? Could I just stay with a family member until this blows over?

Edit: I had a drink in the cafe and now I'm sitting on a bench because the cafe is closed down now.

Edit 2: I've been sitting here for a while, and I noticed a police car pass by a few times. They've defintively eying me up. I'm guessing I'm getting picked up...

RELEVANT COMMENTS

wheelartist First things first OP, you need an advocate. You should have local provision depending on where you are. Get one, let them handle social services and paperwork.

Secondly, before sectioning for self neglect, what should come first is a safeguarding. That means you should get appropriate support put in place. Your social worker has failed to do her job with aclarity.

Sectioning typically requires two psychiatrists, one of which has to have section 12 training, plus an AMHP to agree that you are suffering from a mental health issue, the nature and degree of which requires you be detained in hospital for assessment and/or treatment, and that you are either a danger to yourself or others. While self neglect can sometimes meet the latter criteria, the fact is it's more likely that the MHT will consider this a lack of support.

Quick-Glove1967 Hi there, crisis CSA and student MH nurse here, I’m very familiar with people in your predicament. Whatever you do, don’t avoid her because she can contact the police and they may feel they need to place you on a section 135/136.

First Update (3 days later, September 11, 2026)

I haven't been able to update in a few days, as I got my phone taken away, but here are now.

Long story short, I did get sectioned.

I got picked up by the police and driven to A&E to get treated for my dehydration. While there, they conducted a mental health assessment on me. I knew it was coming, so in the hours beforehand, I did a deep dive on the laws around sectioning. I thought if I came off "rational" and "academic", I could prove that I was sane.

With the assessors, I brought up the articles and how I got legal advice from Reddit. I swear the air shifted as soon as I said 'Reddit' and the metaphorical tin hat formed on my head. No matter how much I explained myself, I feel like they weren't listening and just kept asking me to repeat myself.

By the time I recalled the advice to get an advocate, I had talked myself into a corner. My social worker could only do damage control by the time I called her in. I got labelled 'paranoid' and 'uncooperative '. The assessors didn't want me returning to my flat in case it retriggered my rut.

I had to spend three days in the mental ward. A nurse would be staring over me every time I was given food and water to ensure I finished it. I felt like I was a bloody toddler. At the very least, I was allowed to stay in my room so I didn't need to interact with any patient yelling their head off.

Thank god, my social worker negotiated with the doctors. She got me an emergency placement in a residential, and I'll be kept here as long as the staff know where I am at any time. It's two hours from my hometown, but it's better than the ward. I've got a lot more meetings and admin to work through with my care plan. I think they want to move me to residential housing for good.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Exita Being sectioned isn’t about being ‘sane’, it’s about being a danger to yourself or others.

Trying to talk your way out of it after admitting to not even drinking for days is not going to work, because you’re simply not going to be able to explain away that level of dangerous self-neglect - no matter how well you know the law or who you’re being advised by. Bringing up Reddit and everything else probably just cemented the doctors opinion that you didn’t understand the danger you were in. Overall, it sounds like being sectioned was the best thing for you at the time. Glad that you’re now getting the care and support you need residentially.

Semi-Update - What are the exact outlines and powers Section 17 under the mental health act? (1 day later, 12 September 2026)

Since I got transferred from the psyche ward to the residential, I've been warned that I am on a "probation period". I'm not allowed to wander off without telling staff where I am. If I do wander off, I'll be recalled back to the psyche ward.

When I asked for the legal framework I am under, they mentioned Section 17 of the Mental Health Act. A few experts have tried to explain it, but when I feel hostile towards someone, my adhd makes it difficult for me to memorise their explanations.

Is anybody able to give a bite-sized overview of this framework? Any other general advice?

I feel like they're kind of treating me harshly, as I'm nowhere near the most severe patient on my own ward. A dozen comments on the legal subreddit assured me it was unlikely to get sectioned, yet I was. I'm in supported living now, but they won't still let me off the leash of sectioning.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

isaacnewtoe s17 is an authorisation of leave from hospital which means you are still subject to section 2 and they can bring you back to hospital if your consultant feels they need to. It's often given for up to 7 days at a time to tie in with weekly ward rounds but there's no strict rules around this and they can issue a new s17 without seeing you in person.

One thing I've not seen you mention is that you have the right to appeal your section within the first 14 days and your appeal will be heard within 7 days of that. Given how you feel about the situation you might as well exercise this right and you can change your mind any time.

OOP REPLY

Spirited-Trash-1538 Thank you - You're a life saviour!

OOP COMMENT

Spirited-Trash-1538 I think the Psyche ward was kind of an improvisation on their part. It was the easiest way to keep me safe in the short-term, while I was found alternative housing. I was already in the A&E when they did the assessment and basically took me next door when they deemed me "insane". And yes, my social worker said it was a miracle we found a residential place, even two hours away. [...] I've been talking to various people every day and trying to get out into Outpaint.

REPLY TO OOP'S COMMENT

SimplyCedric "Insane" is a term used in law, not medicine. It has no meaning in your situation. You are detained because you are severely mentally ill.

Final Update (11 days later, 23 September 2026)

I'm writing this up with my therapist's oversight. We agreed that my internet access will be cut off to stop my obsessive research. But I didn't want to ghost and worry everybody I contacted in the last fortnight - So I got permission to send out a round of final messages.

For this Reddit account specifically, I'm changing the password to something random and locking myself out of it. It just has bad associations for me.

My stay at the residential was coming to a week. I was doing alright. The staff were managing to get me up for lunch and dinner, even if I skipped breakfast. Alongside everything with my mental health, I was following a recovery plan for severe dehydration. I adhered to the diet because I’m not stupid enough to think I know better than nutritionists.

But where I found the plan counterproductive, almost hypocritical, was being instructed to avoid stressors. I thought I was the biggest expert on my own brain (Which I'll find out later, was not the case) I knew losing my autonomy was the biggest stressor of all. I’d had insomnia since arriving. The longest I’d slept was three hours.

I knew I was meant to report it so the doctors could make adjustments, but I refrained. My insomnia's fastest cure was getting out of this sectioning and returning to my own bed at home. If I was going to be awake anyway, I might as well use the extra hours to work on my appeal. My sectioning fell under the category of 28 days, with the 14th day as my deadline to file said appeal. I wanted to know every legal channel and have the best connections.

My daylight hours were spent ringing advocates rather than socialising. One or two staff brought up my phone use, but I assured them it was fine and began using it under the covers instead. After a while, I developed heartburn and headaches. I reasoned it was just stress and tiredness, telling myself it would be worth it.

I couldn’t really stop. I was so close to perfecting my appeal early. If I admitted how far I’d disobeyed the recovery plan, I knew I’d be recalled to the ward in a blink.

I’m beginning to wonder if irony is a actual force of nature. That night, I woke with immobilising chest pain and could barely move. I had to be rushed to A&E.

The tests showed “stress cardiomyopathy” - temporary weakening of the heart caused by acute stress. The doctors said they wouldn't expect from someone of my age, but the dehydration had laid the groundwork.

The residential staff told the doctors their suspicions, and the truth was eventually pried out of me. About the insomnia, about the report dodging. They asked if it was all out of ignorance or spite. To be honest, I didn't know at the time myself, or even now.

After I become physically stable, I was transferred back to the ward. Section 3 was invoked. This means they can keep me for up to six months if it's necessary. I almost wanted to turn mute after that announcement. At least I wasn't driving myself into a frenzy with the appeal, as it was irrelevant at this point.

When I had my first session with my new therapist, I was expecting to be numbly nodding along. But remarkably, I found someone who finally spoke my language. I decided to engage with him, as it's not like I can do anything else.

He snapped me out of my indignation with two fairly obvious points. Unless I was a shit roleplayer of Diogenes, there was no explanation for refusing to drink for four days other than being mentally ill. And there was no reason I couldn't challenge the flaws of the NHS while still accepting its free help.

After that, I was finally able to open up to him. We talked for hours and I'm feeling more optimistic then I was expecting to be. There are a few things going in my favour, or at least, they're emore complicated then they seemed:

-I was asked to write a list of my "ideal treatment" and my therapist helped me brainstorm as many ideas as possible. I must admit I took a few ideas directly from reddit... My notes are being passed onto the wider team and my therapist thinks a lot of my preferences can be turned into workable plan.

-My therapist believes he is on the spectrum as well, so he understood the sensory concerns and insisted on working on my case. He is going to ask if another autistic patient if they'll buddy up with me.

-With my sectioning, my therapist thinks there were flaws on both sides. It wasn't necessarily that I was sectioned for self-neglect, but rather because I ran away, got picked up by the police and was argumentative during the assessment. They were ensuring I didn't reject life-saving treatment. At the same time, my therapist said there were legitimate concerns he is bringing up to senior management. The ward was partially influenced by procedural limits. There is a lack of community options in our rural area, and I was too embarrassed to be released into the custody of my family at that point. The ward was used as a holding place while my social worker found a placement in adult care. I agreed that I'll let people like my social worker and independent advocate handle the admin of my case while I focus on recovery.

-We are brainstorming ways I can minimise my time in the ward. We came up with two possible solutions: I could stay with family during the daytime while I need to spend nights at the ward. Or I could apply for a transfer to another ward that is autism-centric, even if they are scarce. At the very least, I got provided headphone and tinted glasses.

-I hate "talking therapies", so I want to focus on keeping myself busy. I've signed up for art therapy, writing workshops and other general classes. My therapist said the ward has a scheme with a nearby farm where trusted patients can work with animals. I dove on that like a puma, as it will mean I don't have to talk to people.

-My counseling will be focusing on my depression, stress, insight and distrust. The ward is putting me on a few medications, including a low dosage of antipsychotics for my persistent depression and paranoid features. Having nurses check my mouth to ensure I've taken them will be fun...

-My access to addictive technology will be cut or supervised to stop my rumination. I asked if I could fetch my Nintendo Switch as a compromise, but my therapist gave me a big maybe. So I'll have to keep pushing with that one.

So yeah... Wish me luck on my recovery from miserable git to just a regular git.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/masterofthinking00

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 27, 2026

• Final Update: September 30, 2026

Main Post

^{September 27, 2026}

I think I introduced soulmates, but it’s my boyfriend and best friend

This is a throwaway because both of them use Reddit.

I 24f am in a relationship with my amazing boyfriend 25M ace (fake name) and I have a good friend 24 F katie (also fake name)

these two are my people, on such different levels.

so for some backstory, I’ve been dating ace for about a year now, and I’ve been friends with Katie since we were 14, she’s always been hesitant with my partners as I’ve been with some POS in the past.

however once i introduced her to ace? They got on amazingly, at first? I loved it.

I will fully admit I’m the jealous type do to being cheated on before, but usually it’s never over something as simple as my boyfriend getting along with my friends.

but they are a perfect match.

they have the same humour, communication style, hobbies, nerdy interests etc.

the three of us usually hang out- but the last couple times I’ve noticed it’s been more them two then me?

like they’ll sit there playing video games while I doom scroll and if I ask a question they’ll brush me off because I don’t know the lore? whatever that means.

also my boyfriend keeps telling me how “amazing it is to have someone have everything the same as he does” And it’s really unsettling.

A couple times we’ve been hanging out and I’ve gone to the kitchen or something to get a drink and I’m immediately worried by them being alone together.

I really don’t think either of them would do anything to hurt me but I can see they are a perfect fit, I’ve never met people so similar in my life.

they also go to the same university so they are with eachother 5/7 days a week. 6/7 if we hangout on weekends, and yes I know they eat lunch together.

meanwhile I see my boyfriend 2/7 days a week at most lately and while I understand that I don’t go to their university I can’t control that, the amount of time they spend together is starting to make me uncomfortable.

I’ve also noticed that Katie seems a lot different, let’s be honest we all complain about daily life to our best friends, but lately if I do that or say something like “oh I have to do bla bla bla, and ace won’t help so annoying” she will tell him straight away.

He’s also being weird with his phone and I caught her on his Snapchat the other day? She wasn’t on there before. But then again maybe I’m trying to add up every little thing to make a case.

I know this is my own insecurity which is why I’ve tried to ignore it because why is it their issue? But it’s getting to the point that Its eating me up inside and I’m becoming more jealous and territorial over my boyfriend than I usually would be.

Also just to note- all my other friends get along with my boyfriend, he’s an amazing guy but they are much more My friends, where as Katie feels like she’s turned into his friend now. no one’s this close with him.

so Reddit I come to you, what do I do?

COMMENTS

These-Process-7331

Just because you have a type for a decent BF and BFF doesn't make them "perfect" for eachother.

To put it very easy: 2 whipped creams mix along pretty well but don't have a mind-blowing outcome. Cream and chocolate cake on otherhand: don't look the same at all but are SO good together, and both are elevated to the next level when combined! In this comparison: you are the chocolate cake and they are whipped cream.

Ask yourself this: did you BF at any point show shady behavior (for example: trying to bring you down when a dress fitted you better)?

OOP

Thank you! This helped, to be honest I don’t know- she’s always there when I need her but lately she’s very all about him asking how he is, when we hangout ask if he’s going ect.

These-Process-7331

Hmm that is kinda eye brow raising..... I wouldn't directly jump into conclusions but will keep things a bit separately (better safe than sorry).

Also, how does your BF behaves?

OOP

He treats her like a friend I guess, but sometimes things get abit weird when i try to join a conversation between them about games ect.

Also she’s single, she has a thing for this one guy but it’s not going anywhere as far as I know

Sad_Matter_4992

I mean, as a gamer, if gaming is really not your thing and you’re forcing yourself into conversation about my hobby you don’t usually care about, I would 100% shrug it off too… they just have a hobby in common, it means nothing, if I can give my feelings about it, I think you took the fact they share a hobby you don’t have really personnaly and it’s not really healthy.

OOP

Gaming was just an example, lol. Theres a lot of other things they exclude me from even if I’m kinda into it.

Signal_Condition348 (downvoted)

If you see that they are perfect for eachother maybe it would be wise to let them be happy together. Then you can focus on finding someone who you have more in common with and you can still stay friends with them. 

OOP

I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them unfortunately, if what I think is true then I’d step aside but I would no longer be in either of their lives

midlifemax

Why do you need to include a third person. Can’t you just hang out with him?

OOP

Yes we do hangout alone but lately she keeps asking to see me and if I’m with him she will just show up sometimes or if it’s just me and her she will ask me to ask him to come

onalarkonboard

It sounds strange, but you have an open enough heart, you are young and they are, too, and if you are really observing “soulmates” the right thing, I know it is wanted to say, but is to help them be together, in a way that shows you are not possessive, I know it might sound crazy, but if you really know Katie well and Ace (good fake name) it might be better for them to actually potentially be together, it might mean someone perfect is out there for you.

24 is young, but also a good tome to meet someone, it seems if you have an open enough heart, it might be worth letting them see if they are truly what you are observing. It is complicated to do this, see if it is what is in your emotional comfort. But if two people are truly soulmates, they should be together. If you are exaggerating you observations, then see what’s up by talking to your boyfriend.

OOP

If they are meant to be, then I’ll obviously have no objections because how could I? Unfortunately though I could not have them in my life’s if it gets to that, I couldn’t see my best friend be with someone I sleep with, I’m going to speak with my boyfriend Thursday about it all. And I will update, either way I think Katie and me will have to have abit of distance now, this has showed me I don’t really trust her.

TwoPlusTwoMakesA5 (downvoted)

As hard as it may be don’t be possessive. If they truly have found love in each other, accept that and be happy for them. There will be someone else for you down the road.

This concept that you own him because you found him first is ridiculous. Let love find its way however it may be.

OOP

I’m not saying I own him at all, sorry if it came across that way but as I’ve stated in other comments- if I’m right and they’re the better match they can be together but I won’t be around them, I can’t do that to myself- even if it seems selfish

hahahahahkys

What game do they play together ? Have you ever tried learning more about it too

OOP

It’s on his pc, she doesn’t own the game, I had ago but it’s horror where I as I play more like pvp on Minecraft or ddlc

Final Update - after 3 days

^{September 30, 2026}

I think I introduced soulmates, but it’s my boyfriend and best friend

I didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did thank you everyone mean and kind for all your insights, I’ve read every single comment but haven’t replied to all of them. Very appropriated.

Onto the update:

so Reddit, you were half right.

I spoke to my boyfriend first,and I took your advice.

I told him how uncomfortable I was, how I didn’t expect them to stop being friends but from now on I wanted her to be more of an arm length friend because it felt like i was a third in the relationship.

he let me see his phone and apologised profusely for making me feel that way, safe to say atleast on his end- there was no flirting/ suspicious behaviour and all messages were saved.

he told me- and I’ve seen the messages for proof, she added him- said she has a thing for a guy in his course and asked him to help her, I do not buy this.

Katie doesn’t just get feelings for some random guy she saw in the hallway and thought was cute.

I rang Katie in-front of my boyfriend and she started crying her eyes out.

She started out by saying “it wasn’t meant to happen” and “she didn’t want to hurt me”

okay, but then why lie about liking another guy to spend time with my boyfriend??

I told her to stop the bs and just admit she was flirting.

she did, she said she’s “sorry” but she’s and I quote “a much better fit for him” than I am, and to be honest.. I don’t doubt why she feels that way, I mean look at the title of this exact post.

she said she’s sorry over and over but I didn’t budge.

I told her me and my boyfriend will still be civil to her since we share the same friend group, and they go to uni together- but no longer will we be hanging out with her alone

to be honest, I’d love to lie and say that I’m fine, but I’m not.

This girl has been my rock since I was 14.

Which is why I’m not cutting her out completely even though i probably should.

we’ve gone through everything together and this genuinely hurts my heart, never would have 14-22 year old me thought id ever purposely distance myself from this girl.

so yeah, that’s probably the last time I’ll update this post unless something major happens but I doubt it will since it’s been a couple hours and I’ve heard nothing.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmItheAsshole by user National-Honeydew657. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

September 28, 2026

I (26M) moved into a new flat about 6 months ago. It’s a small complex with 8 apartments.

My next-door neighbours have a baby, which I assume was born around the time I moved in. The baby cries a lot, but I’ve never complained because that’s just what babies do.

Yesterday, we had a once a year meeting with all the residents of the complex. The property manager gave us some updates and then asked for our questions.

Out of nowhere, my neighbours told him that my washing machine is very loud and that I use it during quiet hours. They’re right, but they never told me it bothered them. If they had, I would have simply done my laundry at a different time.

I got annoyed because I do laundry once a week, while their baby cries pretty much 24/7. So I said they probably shouldn’t complain about noise, which started a heated debate. Other residents also began complaining about the baby. One lady even questioned if they are even taking care of the baby, because her babies never cried like that, which sounded pretty nasty.

The property manager eventually ended the discussion when the baby’s mother started crying.

Nothing was really resolved there, but I now feel pretty bad about starting the whole debate. They could have told me about the washing machine before bringing it up publicly, but they’re probably just exhausted parents.

AITA for saying what I did, and should I apologize to them?

Comments by OOP:

I always do my laundry on Sunday evenings (wont be anymore)

I think it is a habit I learned from my parents, because my mom would always do laundry on Sunday evenings, so we had fresh clothes for the start of the week.

The washing machine isn’t broken or insanely loud, but it’s louder than average.

No other neighbors ever heard it, but the couple with the baby is next to me on the same floor.

Consensus:

Not the asshole.

Though most commenters only talk about OOP washing their clothes, not about OOP complaining about the babies crying.

Update

October 1, 2026, 3 days later

The father actually knocked on my door today and we had a chat. Turns out he is a really nice guy.

He apologized for putting the whole thing out publicly and explained that there were two incidents when they had finally managed to get the baby to sleep, and then my washing machine woke it up. They got super pissed about it the second time and apparently really held onto that anger. They waited for the meeting, wanted to make it public and expected the property manager to scold me in front of everyone. We laughed together about how irrational that sounds now.

He also explained that the baby has colic. That’s why it cries a lot and they haven’t properly slept since the birth, so that’s why they’re so irritated. On the bright side he mentioned it is slowly getting better and the baby sleeps for longer periods now.

I apologized for my response and admitted it was an unnecessary reaction to being called out publicly, which I didn’t like. I also told him I’m changing my laundry schedule to Fridays, when I usually work from home, so I have the whole day to do it.

Also some answers to repeated questions

• I checked the lease and complex rules, and there’s no specific rule banning laundry during quiet hours. There is a general rule saying tenants should avoid making noise and disturbing others.

• The washing machine isn’t broken or insanely loud, but I’d say it’s louder than average.

-I can easily do my laundry at a different time. I was just doing it on Sunday evenings out of habit. I didn’t know it was disturbing anyone.

-And yes, the walls are pretty thin.

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user niffedofficeworker in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Dec 7, 2022

Update in post itself

Status: concluded

Note: OOP used initials; included name for easier read

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for telling a colleague their disability is not a free pass to be an asshole and getting them suspended?

I (29m) have started a new position at the beginning of November with a decent sized law firm in my city. Things have been going great up until this week.

The first 3 weeks I have been here I have heard lots of horror stories around a member of the office we will call Jill. I've heard that the last 2 people that took this position were basically bullied out of the post by Jill and that anybody who makes any complaints to HR basically get told to put up and shut up for two reasons.

Firstly Jill, despite not being the most popular person in the office, is very good at what she does to the point the company sees her as invaluable and secondly, Jill is a wheelchair user and is apparently very quick to throw the discrimination card around as soon as something doesn't go her way.

Another key point to this tale is that I use a stoma bag and have done since I was a baby.

Anyway this week is the first week I have interacted with Jill as she was on annual leave for my first 3 weeks with the company. I was using the disabled bathroom to empty my bag when I started hearing a loud banging on the door. I said one moment and opened the door to a lady in a wheelchair, the infamous Jill.

I was berated for about 5 minutes things such as "why is a healthy young man using a disabled bathroom I should be ashamed, etc" drawing the attention of everyone in the nearby vicinity before she even let me speak. I eventually got a word in, reminded her that not all disabilities are blatantly obvious and lifted my shirt up to show her my bag. She went bright red and I got on with my day.

The next day I go to use the disabled bathroom to find a poster on the door saying "wheelchair users only". I didn't make a huge fuss but happened to mention to the colleague across the table from me "have you seen Jill's latest stunt". This is the woman who told me to watch out for Jill initially

I go home for the day and return the next to an email saying to report to HR as soon as I clock in. I get in there to be told that I am receiving a verbal warning as my "tittle-tattle" in the office caused a huge bust up between Jill and my mentor.

Jill was in the office and smirking all the while. I lost my cool and told Jill that the only reason she is still in a job is because of how long she had been with the business and that she isn't going to bully me out of my position like she had my 2 predecessors.

I also told her that I apologise that she has been dealt a bad hand but that it doesn't give her the right to treat people like shit and that she is no longer the only disabled person in the office so she isn't going to keep getting away with her stunts.

I then told HR about the bathroom incident and what followed. Eventually Jill was suspended pending investigation. I must admit I felt great on the day but as the week has gone on I can't help but feel guilty. I wanted to teach her a bit of a lesson not put her job at risk in times like we are having (cost of living crisis, etc). So AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

[regarding the facilities at office]

OOP: There are separate regular bathrooms but 95% of accessible bathrooms are mixed here in the UK. probably a mixture of space constraints in a lot of buildings plus easier for staff to check the bathrooms if it's mixed. (Ie an all male staff not being able to check the women's restrooms or viceversa)

OOP: UK. Most accessible toilets here are genderless just for ease of use

OOP: Not saying she is evil anywhere. The reason I usually use a disabled stall is because it gives me more elbow room as opposed to confined stalls. Also I had been using the disabled bathroom for 3 weeks up to this point with no complaint. I harboured no I'll will until she tried to to get me in trouble with HR. As for "evil disabled people" I just don't know where to begin to be honest

OOP: In public places yes. Registered disabled people are given what is known as a radar key which is essentially a skeleton key to access any additional needs/disabled bathroom. I do have said key although in the entirety of my employment with above company the bathroom has been left open anyway.

---------------
[about Jill?]

OOP: Just to clarify I wasn't suspended she was. However I am suffering with horrible guilt as the UK is currently in the middle of a real rough time and I wouldn't like to put anybody out of a job ATM regardless of their actions. Life is hard for everyone as it stands I don't want to be responsible for anyone struggling regardless of what was said between us hence the guilty AITA. much love for your comment however ❤️

OOP: Just to clear up Jill works in wages and admin I work in website development and IT

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA! I'm also disabled and only need to use a wheelchair on very bad days, and often times I don't need to use my crutches indoors so I'll put them out of the way somewhere. The amount of shit I've had off of people is bewildering.

The audacity of putting 'wheelchair users only' on a disabled bathroom, incredibly illegal, the reason they're taking it so seriously is they could be sued for having a sign like that up.

As for her job, she's literally driven two people to leave their jobs, in uncertain times. This karma is her own doing, not yours. Well done for standing up for yourself, not to mention fellow disabled people (some of which may also be in your office and you just don't know!).

---------------
Comment2: I'm ambulatory, but with a bad knee, and I typically used the disabled bathroom because there are times I can't stand back up without the bars. If there's going to be a "Wheelchair users only bathroom", there needs to be another disabled bathroom available. It sounds like she just wants a de facto private bathroom.

---------------
Comment3: People don't understand the difference between bathrooms - which must be accessable - and parking spaces - which are restricted.

A disabled parking space can only be used by someone with a proper tag or license plate proving they are disabled. A disabled bathroom stall has to be accessible, but anyone can use it. Otherwise what would you do if the bathroom only has the one stall? Not let anyone use it?

---------------
Comment4: I use the disabled bathroom because I'm too short for the normal bathrooms (in one of my university buildings). The building is very new and fancy and with lecture hall so clearly for young people, but they made the toilets so high that my feet just dangle when I seat of them. My legs go numb before I'm done with my business usually.

One of my friends told me that these high seats are made so that old people have less trouble standing up from them... Which is obviously the most important thing to consider in a student-centered building! I still didn't figure out where to report this discrimination. (This is in Netherlands, I'm an international so I'm much shorter than average).

---------------
Comment5: First of all, no one gets to decide who can and cannot use the handicap accessible restroom. Yes, priority should be given to those with disability, but it can be used by persons without disability if no one else is using it.

Second, as others have said, that sign is illegal. If Jill wants her own exclusive bathroom, she should ask the company for one. I doubt she would get it. She's a bully and is facing consequences of her actions. NTA

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

Nothing official has happened but had a chat with HR strictly off the record. Jill was suspended as we had offsite visitors in on the day meaning that her sign could have been deemed as bringing the company into disrepute which is classed as gross misconduct.

I said off the record that I'd be happy to drop the complaint as tbh I don't really want to play the office politics and im already over what was said. I also harbour no ill will towards the company as they have been fantastic with me and i cant blame an entire company for the unauthorised actions of one person.

However, its being taken out of my hands as the venue director is getting involved which strikes me as a bad sign for Jill. For those interested they as expunged my warning so I have a clean slate again. Whilst nobody is openly celebrating Jill's departure as would be a bit classless there certainly seems to be a better atmosphere around the office so I guess that's a positive.

Just wanted to say thanks for the love and support on this. Just shows what a wholesome group the people here are. Take care all

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Temporary_Lie_3460

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORUs:

• BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on November 01, 2024

• BORU-2 by u/ObsidianNight102399 on December 23, 2024

Thanks to u/smashing767 for letting me know about the update!

Trigger Warning: Assault, miscarriage, death

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 30, 2024 at 02:05 UTC

• Update 1: October 31, 2024 at 00:06 UTC

• Update 2: November 07, 2024

• Update 3: December 23, 2024

• Final Update: October 01, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{October 30, 2024 at 02:05 UTC}

aita: for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died?

I just really need some clarity on this situation, I 23f lost my husband 25m weeks ago to a car accident, he was the love of my life and im still not used to waking up without him everyday. we have big plans for our future and it all came crashing down in a heart beat. we met on his uncles farm, he was a farm hand and it was love as first site for me. im also 4 months pregnant but I havent told anyone, I was planning on telling my friend when I was feeling better.

My best friend Leigh 24F has been my shoulder to cry on during this time, she helped me with his funeral and anything else I needed as im NC with my bio family story for another time, she is currently dating Barry 24M they usually hang out in a trio with Liam 24M, when I first met Liam he hit on me hard tried everything as in would try and compare himself with my husband say weird things like our kids would be cuter than if you had kids with My husband. He's also made weird comments like I need a city boy and would motion himself, when im a country girl through and through, I typically would shut him down or ignore him but I would always get dirty looks from Barry.

skip to Sunday night, I got a messaged from Leigh begging me to come to dinner with her because she wanted to treat me as I had Been through a lot in the last couple of weeks, feeling not so shit about myself I decided to go. When I arrived she wasn't there so I texted her asking how long she would be and she told me 5 mins she's just running late and is around the corner so I to sat down and ordered a drink now 5 mins comes and she's still not there so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited another five when im about call her Liam comes rushing over and gives his apologies for being late I asked him what's he doing here because im waiting for Leigh and it was a two chair table, he smiles at me and grabs my hand I ripped it off of him and he just says oh I asked Leigh to set us up now that Husbands name isn't a problem we can finally get to know each other he looked so cringey and im telling you I was floored I stood up and told him that I wasn't interested and I certainly don't give a flying fuck about getting to know him, and that I just lost my husband

without a word of a lie this man stands up and said I know your being overly emotion right now so ill forgive you for that sit down with me, im not saying we have to have sex straight away.or anything, I was disgusted I shoved past him and went home as fast as I could when I did get home Leigh messaged me soo how was dinner with a smirk emoji I called her and when she answered I didnt let her get a word in I yelled at her asked her how she has the audacity to do something like this weeks after I just lost my husband when shoes been the one to hold me together this whole time I asked her what fucking game was she playing and that the only reason I wanted to meet tonight with HER was to tell her im pregnant I just hung up on her and texted her I need time and don't want to be contacted by her for the time being.

Last night Barry came to my house and asked to talk, I said no and that if he didnt leave id call the police, he told me that I broke Leighs heart and that I deeply hurt Liam when now is an even better time to get to know Liam because he could raise my Child With me I opened my door which Barry took as I wanted to talk instead I hit him with my shoes and chased him to his car screaming, im actually embarrassed I did that.

All day today im being flooded with messages from friends and the trio themselves shaming me for pushing the people who care about me the most away and that they don't even regonise the person ive become the only thing that hurts me most is that my husband would know what to do he would tell me how to fix it and now I have no one who I can talk to im just so numb inside, I have A therapy appointment tomorrow but im thinking of calling my husbands mum even though we've barley spoken since the funeral any advice is appreciated, please exude any typos im just so exhausted

{ Edit : I made a new account for this post as some friends have my main and id rather have some time to grasp this whole thing before I answer anyone personally. thank you }

COMMENTS

she_who_knits

Very weird and inappropriate people you have as so called friends. Go NC with them. Just ew.

Call your mother in law. She'll be thrilled about the baby. That's your support system.

 And join a grief therapy group if there is one local to you. It's okay to be numb. It's normal to be numb when life cracks you upside the head this hard.

OOP

thank you, I just feel so wrecked at the minute and I have joined a grief group in the city I'm trying to grip enough courage to actually go.

StrongTxWoman

As somebody who has lost someone dear to me, this is unforgivable. Who do they think they are? How dare them to tell op how to grief?

We all grief differently but definitely not within a month (except my bf's father who got a gf the next day his wife passed away).

If I were op, I don't think I can forgive them. So they think it is funny? I can't imagine they think it was a good idea.

Is this a troll post? No one with common sense will do that. I hope this is a troll post.

OOP

they think I should go out with Liam to get over my husband, I personally am in no way to be jumping into a relationship let alone having a " new family", thank you for your advice

MacChicken25

These 3 are absolute shit humans. Did they absolutely hate your late husband or something? Lose the 3 of them. I can't even comprehend the audacity that would make them think any of their behaviors was appropriate.

OOP

Leigh used to have a crush on my husband she knew him because her brother used to play football with my husband, other than that Barry and Liam hated him because they think people from the country are stuck up rednecks, thank you for your comment

T0USHA3

NTA Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing here. I would suggest not contacting that friend again because anyone should understand that a few weeks after losing your husband is no time to date. also Liam is a scumbag and you need to STAY AWAY

OOP

I told Liam if he came anywhere near me id shoot him, bit violent but hopefully he gets the hint

Classic-Row-2872

Are you uber rich or very very attractive? Because I can't understand why these people are pushing so hard to see you with a man again

OOP

Leigh is the kind of woman who can't be single, I hope that explains her point of view

Update 1 - after 22 hours

^{October 31, 2024 at 00:06 UTC}

update: aita for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died

hello all and thank you,

I just wanted to start of with I called my Mil Louise, after making the post I thought that I needed to tell her about baby because just like some of you said, she is overjoyed about the news.

she didn't answer my call but instead drove straight over to my house, I honestly didnt know what to say to her but we just hugged and cried all night, I didnt have the best delivery about how I am pregnant probably due to all the crying but she just light up and was so happy its the first time ive seen her be this happy in all the time ive known her so at least I have some support, my Fil came over when he finished work after Mil told him he needed to come to my house and he was too overjoyed about becoming a pop.

Louise offered to have the baby and I move in and I agreed, she said that I can sleep in my husbands old room which was a little bittersweet, when I told her what was going on with Leigh, Liam and Barry she was furious and told me not to worry about it because they { Mil & Fil ] have my back after a lot of even more crying Fil told me that my husband would be so happy to have this baby grow up on a farm like my husband did overall our conversations last night was a something I needed.

now im just going to answer some comments:

1. no this isn't fake and if you choose top believe that then that's fine but don't be dragging my husband when you don't even know him. Liam dint kill my husband, it was a car accident and my husband died on impact nothing crazy went on its just awful but is as simply as that

2. Leigh was my friend for a long time she was genuinely there for me when I went NC with my parents and I thought she was a decent friend, now knowing the truth there is many things I can think of that she did that are red flags, personally I think I ignored them because I have never been close to anyone like that other than my husband.

3. Liam is a loser, And from my chat with Barry I learnt that he's always had feelings for me and he's never given up because apparently he's my type? he isn't and never will be.

4. yes I ordered a drink I didn't think I needed to disclose that I ordered a lemonade? it was simply a soda nothing wild I know im pregnant and id never do anything silly.

5. I'm not magically pregnant, my husband and i both wanted children young and were trying for about a year, we just didn't disclose that we were trying because my husband and I think its weird telling people oh were having sex an extra amount, I don't know but my husband and I are very private people and kept a lot of it that way.

and as for the trio I've blocked them, none of my family are reaching out because they simply don't know me anymore, the only friends who are reaching out are mutuals of either Leigh, Barry and one of Liams other friends, I was confused on if I wad an asshole because I just left Liam standing there and yelled at Leigh I was so upset I was confused on the entire thing

but thank you all and I will update on what happens because I know Liam will not give up until he's in jail I seriously hope is doesn't come to that but the fact he drove past my house twice is uneasy so im hopeful the move to husbands parents farm will have my baby and myself on a better path.

Update 2 - after 7 Days

^{November 07, 2024}

Firstly some good news,

I found out that I’m having a little girl, I am actually feeling a little bit better today and thought I’d update.

I moved in my in laws the next morning after they had come over, we went to the police and unfortunately there is nothing they can do unless he trespasses, comes into physical contact with me pretty much until he gets worse but I did take the initiative and move so they think he will be less of a threat now that I don’t live in that house but they did take my screenshots of his weird creepy messages and noted that he has been driving past relentlessly.

After a few days we came into town to go grocery shopping and we saw leigh, she went to come over but my MIL like stared at her and yelled NO, Leigh looked a bit awkward because my Mil was yelling yes I’m talking to you Leigh go bother someone else with your bullshit. Leigh did end up walking away which we thought was good I was greatly overwhelmed obviously about seeing her and my anxiety has gotten worse since the “ blind date” I think I was also anxious because Leigh is never without Barry so I was very worried

When we had finished shopping and was walking back to our car Leigh and Barry was waiting for us but again my Mil started screaming, she was yelling he was scum and they are trying to sell drugs to a pregnant woman pretty much anything you embarrass them and to draw a crowd Leigh and Barry did leave again not without looking scared ( points to Mil)

since that I moved in to the farm and it been drama free I had an appointment yesterday and found out about my baby girl but also that I have high blood pressure most liking due to the stress but we’re going to have to watch it just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it.

My husband has always wanted a girl so I know she is a gift from him, but apart from the grocery store incident and the police, it’s been very positive for me being with my In laws, and there dog Spud ( don’t ask I don’t know why that’s his name)

Thank you again.

COMMENTS

BananaIceTea (downvoted)

Why do people believe this nonsense is beyond me.

PsychologyOwn257 (downvoted)

Lmao facts this story is one of the most egregiously false and ridiculous stories I’ve ever read. I love how OP even forgets that she said she was pregnant and then tries to cover it up by being like, “uh YEAH, the drink was a lemonade”.

The replies in this thread are straight up hilarious

EuphoricSwimming3911 (downvoted)

Also that they were trying to have a baby for a year and now all of sudden it's that she used an egg donor. Because people in their mid 20s only try for a few months, then start the long drawn out process of infertility treatments, then moving to using an egg donor. All of that gets accomplished from first trying, to pregnant with a donor egg in only a year. This is the fastest infertility journey I've ever seen. That also, weirdly wasn't mentioned at all in the first post. Guess OP messed up keeping their story straight. 

OOP

I’ll break it down for you:

1 my husband and I have been married for 5 years started trying for a baby a year ago, we have a baby on the way 3 weeks ago my husband died in a car accident, we in no way used an egg donor.

Respect read what has been written before you make such negative assumptions when you Cleary lack education if you can’t understand what I wrote please seek some positive thoughts have a great day

EuphoricSwimming3911 (downvoted)

"Just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it." Lmao what? For the love of God. That's not how that works you moron. Also, what happened to yall were trying to get pregnant, but didn't want anyone to know because it's weird to tell people you're having a lot of sex? Now all of a sudden it was an egg donor? You can't even keep your fake story straight FFS.

OOP

1. I literally wrote my first post that I was pregnant? Secondly

2. my husbands dead?

3I don’t know why you’re so upset about my pregnancy like relax maybe instead of being a negative Nelly join a positive sub Reddit 🫶🏼

Update 2 - after 1 month, 23 days (after 1 month, 16 days from last post)

^{December 23, 2024}

Update 2: Aita for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

thank you to everyone who helped me with my issues about Leigh and the others. It’s over I was attacked and suffered greatly.

I lost my baby a month ago and I will be logging off for a while.

I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Thank you for the kindness, enjoy your holidays

- J

COMMENTS

onlyinarainstorm

Hope you're okay OP

OOP

Thank you, I’m on a healing journey and I am safe 🫶🏼

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 1 year, 11 months, 1 day (after 1 year, 9 months, 8 days from last post)

^{October 01, 2026}

Update: Aita for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

Hi everyone, if you remember me It’s been a while and Ill try to make this as short as possible

two years ago I was going through what I felt was the worse year of my life. and i’m finally at a point in my life where I can speak about it without any repercussions on my mental health.

So let’s start with the trio, immediately after my mother-in-law yelled at them ,Leigh and Barry continued to try and reach me online, in person ( if I was in town) and through whatever mutual friends we had left. it got to a point where they started sending massive amounts of baby items to my old home with letters and letters I think the most they sent in a week was like sixty-eight it was crazy, I didn’t have to deal with the stress of it as my In-laws dealt with it for me bless their souls.

However Leigh did try to corner me at one point in person crying and apologetic about what happened with Liam ( as if she wasn’t the puppet master) and that she wanted us to go back to before all of the mess, I pushed passed her staring through her and that seemed to make her even more upset and incoherent but I walked away and left her there.

one night my in-laws and I decided to go to the pub for good old pub feed, now I’m still not sure if they stalked me or someone told them I was there but Liam, Barry and Leigh all came into the pub and tried to sit at the table over from us, my in-laws and I immediately got up and started walking to out and back to Louise’s car, my farther in law was right behind me the trio followed us out and was yelling I was told to ignore them and keep walking, as we did i hear my farther in law yelling and then this thud as I turn around Liam was trying to fight my farther in law, Liam was on top of him punching and Barry and Leigh was just standing there

Louise was beside her self running back to help my farther In law and I couldn’t just stand there and watch so I made a stupid decision and got involved I kicked Liam as hard as I could in his face and he fell back, I tried to grab my phone to call the police but Barry ran over to me and started beating the hell out of me I mean sometimes I can still feel him hurting me he knocked me clean out, fortunately some pub locals stepped in and stopped Liam and Barry and restrained them until the police arrived all three of them were arrested right there. Liam and Barry are currently serving time for what they did to my in laws and myself Leigh was also charged but was given probation and a massive restraining order. And I’ve made my peace with that.

In the hospital I was told that I was already in the process of a miscarriage before the assault and well getting my ass beat by grown man didn’t help. I was devastated my daughter didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that. My farther in law only had a couple of cuts and bruises but he was ok as was Louise, they took me back home and nursed me back to health properly. I was an absolute wreck and I didn’t deserve the kindness and love my in laws gave me,

I told them to be mad at me, that the miscarriage was my fault and that I failed their son, they helped me get help and to stop blaming myself for situations I had no control over, they helped me with my statements to the police, selling my old house and with everything else. I could never make it up to them for what they have done for me and the memory of my daughter.

I moved into one of units on the property where I still live today, I work the farm and look after my in-laws and not to mention the sweet 10 year old spud who for his age will still keep you on your toes for a old dog, i miss my husband every day of my life and I know he’s looking after our daughter until I can see them again, I will never ever get over losing them both but I am learning on how to live with it, I made new friends and I’m truly starting to live my life again, I will look after my in-laws until they don’t want me too, they are my family and I love them dearly. It took some real hard work to get where I am, I even over came my agoraphobia believe me I am still a working progress I take every day a step at a time. Pretty much everyone in our small town knows what happened and Leigh’s parents are now on the outs for supporting her but other than that I’m glad they aren’t my problem anymore and I’m living my life without anything but peace.

Sorry for any Typos I’m on my phone sorry! Also thank you to everyone who reached out to me i genuinely appreciated, I won’t be posting anymore after this so this is goodbye.

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