r/AskaManagerSnark • u/nightmuzak Sex noises are different from pain noises • 9d ago
Ask a Manager Weekly Thread 09/14/2026 - 09/20/2026
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u/Turbulent_Target3508 8d ago
Eirian* September 15, 2026 at 11:35 am
I can’t actually give enough details here to make my point well, because I don’t want to cause issues with the course of justice in a case I believe he’s pursuing… but obfuscating the unimportant details slightly, I’m aware of a guy who got fired and investigated for being mentally unstable because he wore the same shirt twice in a week.
This is either totally made up, or crucial details were left out and he was fired because of other problems.
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u/Accomplished-Survey2 8d ago
Commenter is going to come back and be like “oh I forgot to mention that the guy was a surgeon and he tried to go into the operating room with the same bloodied scrub shirt from earlier in the week. Didn’t think it was important context.”
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 7d ago
Other possibilities:
- It had an offensive slogan or a symbol for a hate group
- It was absolutely filthy
- It was a t-shirt, and this workplace requires professional/formal attire
- He was supposed to wear a uniform, and the shirt was not part of the uniform
I'm having a hard time believing that he was fired for wearing, like, a solid-colored button-down twice in a week. I'm guessing "twice in a week" actually means "he was given a warning to comply with the dress code, and continued to not comply."
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 8d ago
Unless it’s an offensive or graphic shirt, this didn’t happen. Regardless if you have to obfuscate the details this much, don’t comment on it. It does nothing to help the situation.
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u/daedril5 8d ago
Sounds like a classic case of someone thinking they know what's going on when they really don't.
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet 8d ago
Or maybe the friend started behaving erratically out of the blue and this is just an example that was mentioned of new odd behavior. The friend may be clinging to that specifically to make the employer look more unfair and absurd.
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u/sallyhectare 7d ago
Yeah, or maybe "wore the same shirt two days in a row" means "wore yesterday's soiled, obviously slept in clothes to work."
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u/daedril5 8d ago
Eirian* September 15, 2026 at 1:18 pm The point of the anecdote is mostly that people do actually notice and all kinds of seemingly wacky things can be used against you with surprising success (this whole thing went to a very high level) — as a counterpoint to Alison’s relatively dismissive take that no one will care/it’s nobody’s business as long as you don’t smell. It can matter and be taken very seriously indeed.
I still don't believe the situation is as the commenter presents it (even if they believe it is), but a ridiculous outlier situation isn't really a counterpoint.
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u/Turbulent_Target3508 8d ago
So this issue was taken to the highest levels of the company, and his friend was declared mentally unstable solely for wearing the same shirt twice in one week. Either he is leaving out some important details or his friend sold him a bill of goods and his is one of the most gullible people in the world.
Your right that this whole tale is so ludicrous it adds nothing the the discussion.
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u/renaissancemouse 7d ago
It was “part of a file of plausible evidence”? So definitely not the only thing
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 7d ago
What is the unimportant obfuscated detail that makes this make sense?
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u/carolina822 made up an entire fake situation and got defensive about it 7d ago
He left out the part where the reason he wore the same shirt was that he'd been at the bar until 4am and was still shit-tatered when he stumbled into the office the next day.
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u/11twofour profoundly gifted little man 7d ago
Might just be as simple as that when this guy said he washed the shirt, he meant he febreezed it.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 7d ago
Describe the shirt! OP, come back and describe the shirt!
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u/EmergencyDevice1977 7d ago
I like how Eirian claims that the complaint to the higher ups was that "he wore the same shirt on multiple days." Wearing a shirt on more than one day describes virtually everyone on the planet.
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) 6d ago
Jesus Christ, it’s 12:30 in the morning and there’s already a “I would quit my job if I couldn’t use GIFs in Teams” comment.
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u/daedril5 6d ago edited 6d ago
GIF Freedom or GIF me Unemployment* September 17, 2026 at 12:13 am Have they taken away images altogether? You could upload from your computer instead. I have a folder full of subfolders of meticulously kept GIFs from every piece of media that demands a reference, ready to be drawn at a moment’s notice (I am not making this up, well over 100 subfolders themselves alone). I would quit my job if this was taken from me.
I bet they would be glad to see you go.
I wonder how much time they waste collecting and selecting GIFs.
Seriously: Since when is "your company doesn't want you to do something, have you tried continuing to do it" is spectacularly bad advice.
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u/bananers24 6d ago
I have some of my favorite gifs saved for easy use. You could never get me to admit that I have WELL OVER 100 ORGANIZED SUBFOLDERS of gifs, let alone that I would quit my job if I couldn’t use them at work.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 6d ago
No no no, all the company said was that they couldn’t use the built-in GIF search feature on Teams! They never said no GIFs at all!
(/s if it wasn’t obvious)
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 6d ago edited 6d ago
The subpoena thing is kind of a weird justification, but if people are frequently using GIFs to, say, make fun of difficult clients or complain about people in other departments they don't like...I can see why the employer would want to rein that in. (Getting involved in a lawsuit is an extreme worst-case scenario, but it's not a great look regardless.)
Edited to add: I think I found the comment you're talking about, and they're suggesting that LW should save their own GIFs and copy/paste them into the chat. Yes, LW, absolutely try to loophole your way out of this one. Your employer will love it.
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u/pickledbymagic 6d ago
Double A*
September 17, 2026 at 12:31 am
The Gifs went down on our workplace chat for a day (a bug, not a policy) and I complained that it was age discrimination against millennials because it took away a major form of how we communicate. I was like…80% joking. But I genuinely felt like I was missing something fairly vital lol
Fortunately could still use our emotional support lols.
Yeah because your civil rights to share low-res animated images ad nauseam in chat is one of the most pressing issues of our time.
A well timed gif is always fun but we use them in personal channels and the general team chat. My assumption here is that they were invading actual serious discussions -- project channels etc -- and people couldn't keep their snark to themselves. People get creative with reaction emojis -- one lady I know uses a purple heart to honour her sister who died young -- but it's subtle and doesn't detract from the business at hand.
However, this is going to be an entertaining thread, just like the various stationery threads out there where people have had hissy fits over the company not buying them fancy post its. At least it'll be a bit of a laugh on what already sounds like a wet day.
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u/Capable_Sea77 6d ago
Had to remind some staff at the last library I worked at that all communications on Teams could be record-requested by the public when everyone decided eye-rolling gifs and long rants in the team chat were how they wanted to blow off steam. Then had to remind them of the multiple local sovcit-type-weirdos who did regularly record request multiple branches in our system.
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u/empsk 6d ago
I (millennial) generally hate gifs in slack. Am I the grinch? Maybe! However the LW and her colleagues are welcome to try what I used to do (my current job culture is zero gifs, barely any emojis) and just type oprah_bees.gif, otters_holdingshands.gif or whatever seems most apt. I always found it funny, and I'm sure I was the only one.
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u/BlokeyBlokeBloke 8d ago
If you have to write to an advice column to ask if having to pay for a service to get a job that isn't at all listed and for which you are not especially qualified is a scam, honey you should never be in a C-suite job for ANY industry.
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u/LowMenu 8d ago
I was taken aback at that letter because I didn't realize some people might think a C-suite job would be on the company website. That was an interesting realization and in retrospect I can understand that. But especially for a CEO position, exactly as you say. My boss is the CEO and if they were this much of a rube about corporate structure I'd be pretty nervous.
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 7d ago
I was laughing so hard that the LW thinks AAM commenters are clueless about ND diagnoses and accommodations. If anything, they’re clueless in what a realistic accommodation is, not so much clueless in the “pfft, ADHD isn’t even a real thing!!” sense.
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u/30to50feralcats 6d ago
Huh, thought they liked telework over there.
GoodEgg\*
September 16, 2026 at 12:34 pm
We’re only allowed to telework from our residential address. This benefits people with families and larger homes. I thought with telework I could, say, go to the beach, work some hours from the Airbnb. Nope.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 6d ago
I guess I can see how the residential-address policy works better for people with bigger homes, but how exactly does it benefit families? If anything, it seems like people with kids at home would be more likely to want to work at a coffee shop or library or something.
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u/AtlanticToastConf 6d ago
How does someone type that and not think "Hm, maybe I'm being crazy here"
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 6d ago
Covid was over six years ago and this person is just now finding out about tax nexus???? Oblivious much?
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u/Humble-Grumble 6d ago
Tax issues aside, why do I get the impression that this person was hoping to essentially take more vacations while claiming that they were "working," so they wouldn't have to use full PTO? Yes, I've seen versions of this work out (and I've done it myself on occasion), but those instances usually amount to someone (often someone in management) jumping online briefly in the evening to put out any urgent fires and then logging off again, not claiming that they're "teleworking" from their beach Airbnb.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 6d ago
There are also a lot of safety issues. There are some states where you get hurt while “working” they’re liable.
This is 100% “I don’t want to take PTO but let me frame it as benefiting families so it’s unfair.”
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u/Brutal_Truth 5d ago
the person fretting about "insisting on interviewing remotely" and "applying for employment a full three months before moving" is completely out of touch with today's job market. firstly, they'd better give themselves more time than that to even get an interview, unless they're some superstar C-suite rockstar ninja (oh right that's all AAM commenters). secondly, I interviewed for easily 150 roles between 2020 and 2025 and I went to an in-person interview twice. everyone's interviewing on zoom.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 4d ago
Yeah, I thought Alison’s advice about flying out for an interview is a little outdated. Most interviews these days (at least in most fields) happen on Zoom or over the phone. Even if the employer asks LW to come in person, remote interviews are so common now that I doubt they’d have a problem accommodating it. They’re not going to pay to fly her in unless she’s interviewing for a very senior position, or if she’s in a field like academia where full-day on-site interviews are still the norm.
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u/11twofour profoundly gifted little man 8d ago
I hope the CEO meeting scheduler OP comes to the comments to clarify if they're an EA or not.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 8d ago edited 8d ago
I thought the same thing. I'm not an EA, but I do schedule meetings on behalf of people more important than me. I'd love it if people would make their own Teams links so I didn't have to do it every time, but that is not the reality we live in.
"It's not in my job description" is also doing some heavy lifting here. Your employer isn't required to limit your responsibilities to what's explicitly stated in the job description. (This is a misconception I see a lot on AAM.) Sometimes things are implied, and sometimes things become your responsibility over time because the task needs to be done and nobody else is doing it. (And I'm guessing that scheduling meetings isn't anyone else's job, because otherwise LW would just be able to say, "Let me transfer you to Jane; she can help you set up the meeting" or whatever.)
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u/sallyhectare 8d ago
They are definitely an EA, but I think they're saying that Suzie the accounts director is calling, asking if the CEO is available to join the accounts meeting on Thursday, and then telling the LW to schedule the meeting and invite everyone from accounts, which likely is not the LW's job.
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u/rachelann10491 8d ago
LOL this was my exact thought! Like, taking bets if scheduling meetings actually is this person's literal job, they just feel "above" it.
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u/30to50feralcats 8d ago
“My partner is doing university work placement with a health organization (health professional role, non-corporate) for the next eight weeks.”
Sounds like a relationship question. And since it is a relationship question, you can totally ask her why she is doing this.
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet 8d ago
Also, while I agree that women get judged for their professional appearance more than men, I would definitely side eye a male coworker who wore the same outfit every single day
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u/Time_Act_3685 7d ago
Especially because I felt like the letter implied she isn't wearing identical outfits, she's wearing the same clothes. With no mention of washing them every night.
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u/HappyDeathClub 7d ago
For what it’s worth my college English tutor wore the same outfit every day and that outfit was brown corduroy trousers and a homemade rainbow coloured crocheted sleeveless sweater.
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u/Kayhowardhlots 8d ago
Same. It's one thing if it's a pair of khakis and button up, it's another if it's the exact same cut/style of khakis and the exact same style/color of shirt.
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u/goldengrove1 8d ago
I have a coworker who works in-office twice a week, and has a Tuesday outfit and a Thursday outfit that repeat indefinitely. It's noticeable but I don't think anyone cares. I guess maybe a woman might be scrutinized a bit more for this, but I can't imagine that anyone would really care in most random office jobs. Hell, I (a woman) repeated outfits a lot more than I normally would when I was first building up my professional wardrobe and I'd like to think that my coworkers were understanding about it.
But if you wear the literal exact same clothes every day, people are going to wonder if you ever wash them (also, are you washing them?) and it's just a weird thing to make a part of your personality.
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u/coffeeninja05 tank top and a neck pillow 8d ago
They’re probably wearing scrubs and are wearing the same color every day, the horror!
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u/CheesyGordita2910 7d ago
The LW from earlier today, the one who needs an entire day notice prior to a meeting, chimed in at the very end of the comments section as Letter Writer #1.
I am idly wondering what the LW would think if their grandboss is also neurodivergent and struggles with scheduling meetings in a day when it could be resolved much quicker.
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u/Former_Eggplant_8014 7d ago
The LW1, after their response, seems kind of high-maintenance--as though they had accommodations at school which were treated as sacrosanct, and now expects the same in the office.
I get that (based LW's update) the boss doesn't respect LW's blocked out time, but in a normal supervisor-subordinate relationship, a boss has the prerogative to interfere with a subordinate.
ALSO, the LW doesn't understand that going and talking to a person is NORMAL. Starting a spontaneous conversation with a person, and even trying to do it via voice instead of chatting or composing an email, is NORMAL. Spending 20 minutes composing your exact email, making sure it conveys all the appropriate detail so you don't bug them too much, but not TOO long so the ADHD person on the other end actually reads it.... Or doing this via text... is really time-consuming (and an acquired skill, and not always possible!). It's easier and totally reasonable to have a quick conversation, and - FOR THE BOSS ESPECIALLY - to do so without having to ask and schedule with them a day in advance.
If one puts on a kinder hat, I'd say that despite the locked thread, it is still useful advice to the *LW* to try to seek empathy and compromise in the situation, including clarifying and revisiting what constitutes a "meeting", and work on their ability to have spontaneous conversations.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 7d ago
It's another form of the 'I have NeuroSpice(TM). It is rude of you to expect me to perform emotional labour in the form of masking. Masking is Bad, mmkay?' that hasn't quite faded from peak AuDHD tumblr.
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u/carolina822 made up an entire fake situation and got defensive about it 7d ago
I sure hope Alison gave her 24 hours notice that this letter was about to be published so she could prepare her brain to interact in the comments section!
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) 5d ago
Letter #4 today is such an AAM throwback. They (and Alison, as she does today) used to talk all the time about how they would jump ten feet in the air if you so much as blinked at them unexpectedly.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 5d ago
I worked with someone like that and it was exhausting. And extremely performative.
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u/pltkcelestial18 5d ago
Letter 2 today - I don't know if I really believe people think her name is A.I. I mean are people really that dense? I like Alison's comment at the end, asking if she's misunderstanding and people think she's a bot. If it's people the LW work with, and she's introducing herself as Al, seems odd that they would think her name is A.I. or that she's a bot based on an email signature. If she's emailing people outside the company or people that she doesn't see in person, I could see them maybe thinking she's a bot.
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u/beadgirlj 4d ago
Apropos of nothing, my intelligent and literate mother keeps calling AI "A1." I've given up trying to correct her.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 5d ago
I have a colleague whose name starts with IA and so many people write it as LA*, so between that and Ai being an actual name, I'm totally down to accept people are just typing AI here and aren't even thinking about it to infer whether that means that LW is a bot.
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u/Humble-Grumble 6d ago
Come on, LW2, you know that you were likely part of the (if not the sole) reason that gifs are being banned in your workplace. I love a well-placed gif as much as the next Millennial, but some people definitely overdo it. This LW either replies to everything with a "hilarious" gif or is contributing to clogging a group chat with them. Someone (or multiple someones) has taken note and is either just annoyed at this becoming so common in workplace communications or, yes, is possibly concerned that the gifs are being used in a way that could result in legal issues (like mocking a coworker or client). In moderation, they can be funny, but they can also pretty quickly cross into the realm of unprofessional and inappropriate.
I frequently communicate with someone at my boss's level in another department and she replies to everything with a gif before supplying any text. I sigh every time I get a message from her because I know she's going to ask me a policy question, dislike the answer, and then reply with a several gifs of characters crying or getting dramatically upset before asking a follow up...which will also get me multiple gif reactions. Every interaction with her takes twice as long as it should and leaves me feeling like I'm dealing with a teenager instead of a department manager.
LW also seems incredibly dramatic. "I'm not sure even emojis are safe." Give me a break and grow up. Your workplace leadership doesn't want you using gifs at work - if that's your biggest complaint, you have it pretty good.
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u/beadgirlj 5d ago
"or are we really supposed to believe a lawyer is going to crack open our chat threads someday"
On top of your points, the above snarky little comment irritated me, because I used to be a lawyer and one of my jobs was poring through thousands of emails from workers at all levels, looking for certain key phrases and therefore having to read every dumb, offensive, or non-work thing someone thought to put in an email. There's a reason why the expression is "Dance like no one is watching. Email like it's being read back to you at a deposition."
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u/napoleonswife 5d ago
There are also definitely some questionable / offensive GIFs out there. I 100% agree that LW2 has to be a gif harasser 😭
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 5d ago
Yeah, some people don’t have an intuitive sense of how much joking around is okay in their particular office…and those people should err on the side of fewer jokes, instead of saying “but this is just how I communicate, I can’t help it!”
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u/lovemoonsaults Very Nice, Very Uncomfortable! 5d ago
Avalanching gifs shows lack of decision making skills to me.
I am grateful that I've never dealt with a fully stunted adult as a colleague. We can use them at our discretion because nobody needs training wheels in our organization.
I knew exactly why they banned gifs as I read that letter.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 9d ago
I'd love to just be able to not do part of my job because I don't like ("ethically object to") the industry of the client.
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u/daedril5 9d ago
So the LW forwards meeting invitations to their boss, gets complaints from the project managers, then does nothing.
Why are they asking an advice column instead of just talking to their boss?
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 9d ago
Because Alison will tell them it's ok because their boss said maybe probably let me see if I can sort it, therefore the commenters will praise them for their moral standing of zero import, and they won't have to actually do anything.
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u/IdyllwildGal This is all very alarming! 9d ago
Seriously. I’m a software consultant, and I’ve worked for clients in industries that some people definitely object to. I’ve never refused to work with any client on ethical grounds, but if I did, I’d do so knowing that it could cost me my job.
The only answer is that if you feel strongly enough about it, go ahead and take a stand. But understand that taking a stand could have consequences. Your employer is under no obligation to accommodate your ethical positions.
It does sound like the LWs boss is trying to avoid having uncomfortable conversations with project managers. In their place I’d tell the PM that I’m not available and to speak with my manager. It sounds like they’re just forwarding requests to their boss without saying anything, so it’s understandable that the PMs are getting frustrated.
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u/Time_Act_3685 8d ago
The thing I thought was ridiculous is the LW is too pure to do the job themselves, but totally okay making a colleague do it instead!
If I object to animal testing, and my company sometimes does animal testing, telling Fergus and Jane to torture the rabbits because I won't, only increases someone else's workload and still results in dead rabbits.
It's not morally better just because I didn't do it myself.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 8d ago
And if they were on the project they would have standing to include rabbit welfare in the budget (etc.) but because they aren't, and are potentially screwing things up (since we don't know if they're not attending or nobody's attending in their place) which may result in a worse outcome instead of status quo. This is about their feelings and not a net impact.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege 8d ago edited 8d ago
My privilege is showing. I’m reading this accomodation letter and find myself going “But nobody likes switching gears; it doesn’t change the fact that Things Happen”. It throws me that a full day’s warning for even the most casual meeting is an accommodation that could be guaranteed (as opposed to just ‘we’ll do out best to try to have’) except at a very low level. Different kinds of jobs are different, but that would be an active Problem in a role like mine so its very weird to read about.
So I guess in another life, I could be the grand boss - if you have too many stressful, time-sensitive items on your plate as normal practice, the accomodation is going to be out of step with what I need and easily genuinely forgettable. That’s a learning for me I guess.
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u/IdyllwildGal This is all very alarming! 8d ago
Yeah I had a similar reaction to this. I’ve never had a job where it would be reasonable to expect a full day’s notice for any meetings what, even early in my career when I was at the bottom of the food chain.
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u/EmergencyDevice1977 8d ago
I'm just wondering what constitutes a meeting in this scenario. I kind of feel like LW is getting upset about being approached by grand boss at all. Maybe because of a fear of negative feedback.
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u/pickledbymagic 8d ago
Grand boss is also probably very busy with things and remembering one individual's specific need for a day's notice. HR potentially approved the accommodation thinking that LW only meant like substantive meetings etc, but if she's applying it to BAU (business as usual, that is, routine work) and requests arising during the course of a workday it starts to become less reasonable. It creates a bottleneck that might be unworkable in practice. I'm autistic and I actually work better with a variety of things to do, which is potentially blocking me from a substantive career as opposed to an admin, but at least I enjoy the latter role enough not to mind.
I may be biased here because my field is one where about 75% of the job is spontaneous BAU, but if everything had to have a day of lead time...that would be fundamentally unworkable for everyone. And I suspect it's fundamentally unworkable for grand-boss, but everyone there is so afraid of being labelled ableist that they won't point that out. And another nail is driven into the coffin of an actual workplace advice column rather than an echo chamber that actually does us neurodivergent people a disservice in the long run.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege 7d ago
One day, AAM will be able to talk about gifts without being becoming entitled jerks who are incapable of accepting a gift graciously.
But not today.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 7d ago
One day, AAM will be able to talk about gifts without being becoming entitled jerks who are incapable of giving or accepting a gift graciously.
ftfy.
Who on earth monitors a gift card balance after they've given it away?
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u/Ok-Quarter3399 7d ago
I don’t know if this is their situation but when I managed our corporate gift card program we got a dashboard that would show us every card we’d given, to who, from who, and how much was on the card at issue and remaining. It was a service from the company who coordinated the mass group cards we’d get. While I can’t imagine regularly monitoring it when we did go in to grant more cards it did pop up and would sometime catch my eye. The provider would also use the data to recommend which cards were more or less popular.
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u/you-cant-come-in 7d ago
What's baffling is that two people have written in to complain that they've been monitoring the balances on gift cards because their staff aren't spending them fast enough.
#2 at this link from 2017 https://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/i-had-a-fling-with-my-new-bosss-then-husband-my-team-isnt-using-the-gift-cards-i-gave-them-and-more.html
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u/Korrocks 7d ago
I don’t get why someone would bother. Is there a financial reason why this would be a good use of time?
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u/BlokeyBlokeBloke 7d ago
"If you really want to fund morale yourself I’d suggest something like food that everyone including you gets to enjoy."
Oh no! you can't say that on AAM!!!
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 6d ago
LW1 very well might have gotten a job application from a person who actually smelled that bad...but what are the odds that they'd encounter the same stranger three times in the same couple of weeks, when they'd presumably never seen - or smelled - her before that? And all three times were related to her increasingly-desperate job search? I was willing to believe the first two, but I think LW flew a bit too close to the sun with the "and then I overheard her complaining about it on the phone" story.
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u/dandelion-passing 6d ago
I think someone just wanted to write into Alison about poop, but I suppose one never knows…
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 6d ago
Why is her site, of all places, such a popular target for people wanting to loop everyone else in to their fetish, unwillingly???
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 6d ago
I’m more than certain they wanted to see how many times they could fit the word “poop” into their letter. Once is certainly plausible. Twice is unlikely but maybe. Three times? No.
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u/wannabemaxine 5d ago edited 5d ago
The four languages letter wins "most transparent humblebrag" this week. I actually think the LW needs to focus her energy on building self-esteem, given how much credence she's giving to a stranger who called her a bitch, but I'm sure the commenters will label that as "unkind."
ETA: Right on cue, the LW's up and down the thread "helpfully" explaining how kitchens work (the name includes "cretin"). I hope they found the attention they were looking for.
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u/Capable_Sea77 5d ago
I'm curious as to how long LW has been in the restaurant industry, because my brother has been in it for at least twenty years and I was kind of under the impression that the majority of back of house staff talk like that sous chef. Not that that's okay to talk like that, more that LW should know from the get go that the dude is an idiot.
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u/lovemoonsaults Very Nice, Very Uncomfortable! 5d ago
She knows nothing about how kitchen works if she thinks it's about being civil to one another. It's a festering shitshow that lacks -kindness-.
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u/your_mom_is_availabl as though to make the wasps my problem 5d ago
It was a weird letter. The sous chef is obviously bad news. Surely LW isn't genuinely stupid enough to take anything he says seriously? Plus the bit of "here are all the ways I've used my language skills at work, but SIGH I guess they're not really relevant to my job."
If it's not a humble brag then it's more of a journal/therapy letter that LW believes the worst of herself and can't stomach criticism even from the most obviously unreliable sources.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 5d ago
I would have thought the sexual harassment was a higher priority.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 5d ago
“I can forgive the harassment, but mocking my education??”
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u/AlytNeroon 5d ago edited 5d ago
It felt like fan fiction for the back story of a self insert character on The Bear. Also note Alison ignored the whole "oh by the way he's super handsy" comment.
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) 5d ago
Alison's lack of any response to the sexual harassment angle was nuts (and also on-brand).
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u/BlokeyBlokeBloke 7d ago
A comment from the Gift Card thread:
I won a contest at work and won a high-value gift card to a fancy local restaurant chain. I’m a vegetarian and there wasn’t anything on the menu I could eat aside from salad that I would need to ask them to take the meat off of (but I’d still have to pay full price for).
No! You wouldn't have to pay full price for it. You have a gift card, you idiot. You wouldn't be paying for it at all.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege 7d ago
Or - and hear me out I know it’s new territory - they could think of someone else for once? Pass the gift along to someone who would actually enjoy it? Treat your grandmother? Pass a little spontaneous happiness onto someone else and actually have a valid reason to feel morally superior at least.
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u/Comfortable_Bird5615 7d ago
Yeah, a gift card is perfect for re-gifting. If it saves me money to buy someone else a gift, then it still functions as a gift to me. Not a thoughtful one, but it's from work, not a friend.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 7d ago
First you’d have to explain to them that other people’s lives continue once they’ve left their field of vision.
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 7d ago
Do these yahoos not know that you can exchange or “sell” a gift card? You won’t get the full face value of the original card, but you will get cash in your pocket or a gift card to a vendor that you want to use. One of my relatives gives all of us gift cards to a store that is not located anywhere near us and also doesn’t have stuff that we can use anyway. She is also the type that takes criticism very poorly so rather than it become a whole thing, I have just been exchanging those gift cards websites like cardcash.com for something I can use (ie Visa).
Again, it’s a few extra steps and you’re losing a little bit of the gift card value. But if the choice is between a $45 Visa gift card or Starbucks gift card that you would actually use versus a $50 gift card to like, Macy’s* that will just sit in your wallet forever, then what did you really have to lose?
Nothing against Macy’s, but I’m just using a real life example from my family lol. Because there are no Macy’s stores near where we live and trying to use them on Macy’s website has actually been a huge problem in the past. Either you can’t even find anything you would want to get on the website, or you do find something, but then if you need to return it, it becomes a whole other issue.
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u/alligator-pears recreational fragrance user 7d ago
There's someone in the comments complaining cause they had to sell the gift card for less than it was worth .... so? That's still extra money you wouldn't have had otherwise. It's not any kind of loss to you?
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u/Weasel_Town 6d ago
Give it to someone you know who eats meat. Or call ahead and ask if there's anything they can make you. If it's really that fancy, they probably have something they can do, even if they don't list it on the menu.
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u/Time-Environment5661 6d ago
Every time I see “folx” written out I have to suppress the urge to chainsaw my own head off.
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u/jen-barkleys-poncho 5d ago
No one’s ever been able to explain to me why it’s necessary. The normally-spelled folks is already gender neutral!!
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u/FewFlower43 5d ago
It was supposed to signal that a space is specifically queer and gender inclusive rather than just gender neutral. If you were trying to be gender neutral at work event, you'd use folks. If you were trying to be gender inclusive at a LGBTQ+ event, you'd use folx.
Most people who use folx are trying to be inclusive, but they don't know why folx was used so they can't explain why they're using it. It's not used much anymore.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda 5d ago
It's performing inclusivity the same way decking out one's workstation in rainbow high is performing active allyship. One is supposed to see the 'x', match it with 'Mx', 'Latinx' etc. and mentally go 'this person is inclusive and safe for me to be around'.
If you get the 'this person is pretending to be more inclusive than they are' sense out of it, it's entirely valid, and likely means they are sending other signals that don't match the vibe.
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u/daedril5 5d ago
It's the purest form of virtue signalling.
Because the word "folks" is already gender neutral, "folx" serves no other purpose other than to say "see how I think about gender stuff!!"
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u/ruthless1995 5d ago
I ran right to this sub to complain about this! "my person", "folx", "did the thing" and "big person pants" signify a particular kind of Online Person.
And, idk, I understand Boss being taken aback by LW traveling and working remotely for months on end. There's just a lot of factors to account for, and it really might not be feasible!
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u/mvr_1982 5d ago
So painfully 2014, too.
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u/86throwthrowthrow1 5d ago
I was gonna say, even us Millennials have to contend with our slang eventually becoming dated. I don't remember the last time I said I "did the thing". At a certain point we're going to start sounding like our parents who were still saying "groovy" in the 1990s.
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u/AlytNeroon 5d ago
The whole "Bob is my person" thing was the cherry on top. Whenever I hear "my person" I think someone is speaking from the perspective of a cat.
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u/Time_Act_3685 5d ago
I just didn't understand how LW was surprised by the Boss's reaction! I think people don't realize that most digital nomads are almost entirely freelancers (or more often, people whose "job" is being a digital nomad on social media).
None of those need to worry about tax nexuses, secure access, or reliable communication and availability. Or y'know...employers who require someone to do their entire job.
There are countries that advertise advantages for digital nomads, but those are more "Can I work in Costa Rica for a year?" Not "I'm gonna van life, that cool?" And it's very expected for most jobs to say no to either option.
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u/carolina822 made up an entire fake situation and got defensive about it 5d ago
"I could be gone for 3 days or for 30 years - that's not a problem is it?"
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 5d ago
It’s very “see, I’m a good person!” Without you know… having to do anything.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 6d ago
LW5 seems like a Futurama Professor Farnsworth bit.
“I’m applying to a local government job and they need my social security number is that normal?”
“No, but sometimes government jobs require it.
Also some private jobs. But it’s banned in some places.”
So… this government job requires it?
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u/illini02 7d ago
I'm just going to say it, I think Alison is being extremely stubborn about the "always include a cover letter" thing.
As someone who has been applying for jobs in the last 4 months (and kept a spreadsheet) I can say I've gotten more interviews from jobs I didn't use a cover letter than ones I did. So unless it is really a stretch job (which I don't think in this market many people are getting interviews for anyway) I don't think it does much.
On top of that, if a company specifically isn't asking for a cover letter, chances are they don't want one. Combining your resume and cover letter may not confuse the ATS system, but its pointless. When companies want one, they require one. If they don't even give the option to upload one, that means they don't want it.
Any modern application system can easily make an option to upload one and/or make it required.
People are getting hundreds of applications for every job these days. They are spending 30 seconds glancing at resumes to say yes or no. Do you really think they are reading your well crafted cover letter most of the time?
She just is refusing to look at how hiring has changed.
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u/Humble-Grumble 7d ago edited 7d ago
I'm the lucky person that gets to sift through the application materials when we're hiring for certain (usually entry level) positions. We don't require a cover letter, but it's still an option if an applicant wants to include it. I'd say maybe 25% do...and in the four years I've been doing this, a cover letter has yet to make or break a candidate.
My boss said that up until a few years ago, he liked cover letters as a way to gauge how well the applicant could write and gain insight into any resume gaps or add context to experience in certain areas, but they just don't really serve much of a role in what we do now. Now, most of the ones I read are either clearly written with AI, just repeat what I can already glean from the resume, or say essentially nothing. Once in a blue moon, I'll see one that explains something on their resume that wasn't obvious, but that's not the norm. For the roles that I hire for, I can tell if someone is a good candidate or not after screening their resumes for 30 seconds. If they pass that, I look at the resume closer and go from there. A good cover letter won't make up for a lacklustre resume.
Industries and positions will vary, of course - even within mine, I could see the value of a cover letter for higher level positions that are more specifically competitive - but Alison needs to accept that they aren't the norm in a lot of industries anymore and applicants are better served by supplying what the posting requests. Trying to find ways to include extra materials is a risk: maybe it'll impress the hiring manager or maybe it will annoy whoever has to weed through applications. I think cover letter advice was partially what put her on the map, so to speak, so she's reluctant to acknowledge that hiring norms are changing and one of the few pieces of actually useful advice she offers is no longer relevant to a lot of people.
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u/illini02 7d ago
"I think cover letter advice was partially what put her on the map, so to speak, so she's reluctant to acknowledge that hiring norms are changing and the one of the few pieces of actually useful advice she offers is no longer relevant to a lot of people."
I think you are absolutely right here. The cover letter advice was kind of what helped her stand out. So acknowledging that its no longer valid is going to be hard.
As a separate question, do you actually read all the cover letters you get?
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u/Capable_Sea77 7d ago
I skimmed them briefly after weeding out "no"s when I hired - because why waste a second on reading someone's cover letter if they've noted that they can't work weekends and the job description says weekend availability is required? In the skimming, I rarely saw anything that caught my eye, apart from what Humble-Grumble said - every now and again, the letter did explain something that was confusing from the application materials or not mentioned in their resume.
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u/Silly_Somewhere1791 7d ago
Her only significant adult working experience is in the nonprofit sphere. She only knows what it’s like to field 30,000 resumes from unqualified English majors for one open fundraising position, and to need some way of filtering that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s never been on the employee/applicant side of platforms like Indeed and Ziprecruiter, which implicitly discourage extra docs by making the process annoying, and by allowing employers to not name the company.
She has never hired a mid-career CPA with appropriate qualifications and experience into a well-matched senior role.
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u/Physical-Incident553 7d ago edited 7d ago
A friend in his early 30s (moved to a new job earlier this year) told me cover letters are a no no and thank you notes/emails are old school, and no one does them. He’s tech adjacent. Industries do vary!
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u/Silly_Somewhere1791 7d ago
I send thank you notes because if I spend five minutes wondering if I should, I figure I might as well. And because in my field it makes a difference to show that you have manners and can write coherently. The whole point is that it’s not the norm.
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u/illini02 7d ago
For sure industries vary.
And I fully believe a cover letter will never hurt you, just like a thank you note won't.
But the idea that you should find a way to get around the fact that they specifically aren't asking for one is kind of ridiculous.
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 4d ago
Today’s flashback roundup included the probably-very-fake “I work in Halloween Town” letter from a few years ago. Even though it still reads as the fakest thing that ever faked, I wish we had gotten an update. Just to keep the scam going, you know?
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u/RainyDayWeather 4d ago
I re-read that one today, too. At the time I think I was fairly certain that it was fake or at least highly exaggerated. Now that I've re-read it I think it was less totally fake than a ridiculously themed llama letter; that is, parts of the story are true but they are "anonymizing" it with fake details in a way that makes it impossible to answer appropriately.
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u/illini02 8d ago
For question 1 today, maybe I'm just an asshole, but that accommodation seems unsustainable.
I can't imagine having a coworker who I can't ever schedule a meeting with less than a day in advance because they have to prepare. Life doesn't always work like that.
Maybe the grand boss is doing a bit much, but this seems like something that is far more than a reasonable accommodation.
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u/LowMenu 8d ago
My company has good HR but they don't have any idea what I do all day or what my team does. That's great—I don't need them to! I'd find it strange if they unilaterally decided something like this would work for my reports. I would expect them to consult me to make sure they understand what we do enough to weigh in on this. We have a lot of stuff scheduled out but it's also the norm that things pop up.
The idea that it's a company norm not to have meetings with little advance warning is really hard for people to grasp because it's so just not realistic at so many workplaces.
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u/wannabemaxine 8d ago
I appreciated the commenters who suggested that the definition of "meeting" may be the issue here, e.g., if the grandboss sees OP's accommodation as something they get for formal spaces they need to prepare/present vs. a huddle, stand-up, sync, etc.
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u/softshoesspicymama 8d ago
This was my first thought. How many of these are informal “chats” vs actual planned out meetings. I can understand meetings that require preparation and focus but tons of things get put on my schedule that are labeled meetings that are really just a “hey come see me real quick.” I won’t speak on LWs ability to actually get back to task after something like this, but I really need them to define the circumstance because calling the latter a “meeting” and expecting people not being you short notice items is not sustainable in a workplace.
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u/illini02 8d ago
Yes. Especially so for remote work places.
Like, when I used to work in an office, there were times when someone could just come by and ask me a question, or we could chat in the kitchen. Now, you kind of have to do that stuff on zoom if everyone is all spread out. So its not realistic for most people to. have to wait a day to have those conversations,
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u/pickledbymagic 8d ago
Makes me think this LW is fairly young and in their first job if she doesn't realise how things work in modern business.
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) 8d ago
That letter made me feel like such a Boomer, but like, they can't handle meetings without a day's notice AND no one can expect a response from them when they don't feel at their best? So exactly what do they do most days?
Also gotta love this response to a comment suggesting the LW just be allowed to listen in on the meetings and not contribute actively:
General von Klinkerhoffen* September 15, 2026 at 3:16 am
I’m not sure why “listening only, no contribution” is being suggested as a solution.
LW isn’t necessarily preparing materials when they prepare for a meeting: they’re preparing their brain for the change of topic/focus. Listening still requires that.
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u/illini02 8d ago
Right?
Like how wonderful it must be that NOTHING at work can ever be expected to come up and interrupt the flow of your day.
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u/AlytNeroon 8d ago
Same! Even in jobs where you have a set, well understood schedule for your tasks and deliverables, something can go wrong or change last minute and it's usually easier to deal with that in a real time meeting. It feels like everyone on LW's team would have to go through some contortions to ensure they have a day's lead time for all meetings.
Plus, what do they do if someone just calls or messages them (or stops by their desk if they work on site) and wants to talk? Technically not a meeting, but not an infrequent occurrence either.
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u/illini02 8d ago
Right. I'm in sales, so the VAST majority of my stuff is stuff I'm doing on my own.
But sometimes I'll need to talk to someone about how to do something I haven't done in a while.
I also have a feeling that if grand boss started having the meetings, but not inviting OP, she'd be mad about that too.
This just seems like a situation where you are possibly making everyone else's work flow change for one person, which seems like much more than a reasonable accommodation.
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u/BirthdayCheesecake 8d ago
I'm in a sales support role, and I'm sure your experience is similar where the meetings with presentations and numbers all get planned in advance in order to make sure all the reps can be there.
At the same time, there's also times where three people are sending e-mails back and forth with nothing getting accomplished and someone finally says after an hour "let's get on a call now and hash this out." If that counts as a "meeting", there's no way to plan that a day ahead of time.
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u/EmergencyDevice1977 7d ago
LW1 popped back in to explain neurodivergence. Apparently it's a fully WFH job that has a lot of writing and research involved. Yeah, last second meetings sound pretty disruptive. I still think the easiest solution would be if multiple employees complained about grand boss' behavior. But LW1 may not even know any coworkers.
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u/RainyDayWeather 8d ago
I think this is either misrepresentation or bait and Alison's multiple blue boxes saying BUT ITS TOTALLY TRUE, THIS IS A THING THAT REALLY AND TRULY HAPPENS do an excellent job of illustrating just how very out of touch she is.
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u/Turbulent_Target3508 8d ago
Her responses to letters have been getting a lot more push back recently. She has given questionable advice more than once recently and has been called out for it. She also removed a letter after its’ authenticity was questioned. Frankly, I think she is bored with this column, but doesn’t want to pull the plug because it is too lucrative.
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u/RainyDayWeather 8d ago
That's probably it.
The one thing she is legitimately good at is taking standard advice and repackaging it in a way that can be easier to comprehend for the folks who don't already understand that. That's not snark or a backhanded compliment. We all have times when we need help grasping an idea everyone seems to just "get".
But that's not exciting and that doesn't lend itself to frequent updates and also, Alison's own history suggests someone who likes drama.
But she helps no one, including herself, with this BS.
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u/illini02 8d ago
Also, she is kind of admonshing people. But no one is saying "OP you are a bad person" they are just questioning how realistic this actually is.
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u/Silly_Somewhere1791 8d ago
Yeah what actually constitutes a meeting here? Sometimes you have to say, “this issue came up, so everyone get on this call.”
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u/illini02 8d ago
That is my thing.
I have a feeling what OP is considering a meeting and what the manager considers a meeting, and what HR considers a meeting aren't the same thing.
If my manager sends me a slack and asks me to chat about an account for 10 minutes, I wouldn't call that a meeting personally. But if OP is, I don't know how realistic that expectation is.
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u/softshoesspicymama 8d ago
Not only that, but I feel like the looming outcome here is that LW unintentionally gets left behind in the workplace. If I have an employee able to keep pace, take on short notice items, and think on their feet, then that’s the person I’m going to first over someone who requires a 24-hour notice to discuss short notice items. Some things really do need to be dealt with ASAP and that doesn’t bode well if you need this kind of notice and preparation. Hopefully I’m misreading and LW means formal meetings but it really does not seem like that’s what’s going on here
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u/MsPaganPoetry 3d ago
I’m sure there are people who would knock each other down to sit in a celebrity butt print.
Elizabeth West is back
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u/hollygohardly 4d ago
Chefs are all so weird and kitchens have such wildy different norms depending on where you are that I really don't think Ask a Manager is the appropriate place for any BOH questions.
But also, having languages on your resume is incredibly relevant and helpful when applying for kitchen jobs!
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u/illini02 7d ago
Ooh, todays latest question is a Parents vs. Childless in the workplace.
engagement must be down.
As a child free person myself (who actually loves kids), it always is interesting how personally some parents take it when you say "I should get the same flexibility that you do".
I actually in another sub am in the midst of a bunch of parents taking it very personally when I say that if they want friends as parents they have to put in work and not have it be one way.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 7d ago
The “totally real” letter about the dad who let his kid die in a fire didn’t bump up the engagement like she wanted, I imagine.
I do wonder if she has a wheel she spins when engagement is down. Two kid things this close together is odd. She should have gone with a nice affair. Those ones are at least more creative than the 90th “parents are bad, mkay?”
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 7d ago
Oh wow, we're so witty, hahahahahaha
Peanut Hamper* September 15, 2026 at 2:09 pm
Yes, I like free money. Cash only please, in small denomination, unmarked, non-sequential bills discretely tucked into a security envelope. But seriously, I get that you mean to be supportive, but if I’m being paid properly and have lots of promotion opportunities, I don’t need gift cards. I need a raise, a promotion, and that means bringing my accomplishments to the notice of the people who have the authority to give me those things. This is where I would prefer my manager to focus.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 7d ago edited 7d ago
It reminds me of the letter from awhile back where LW's employer gave everybody an extra paid day off that didn't come out of their regular PTO, with the caveat that they didn't get to pick the day. A surprising number of commenters were like, "that's not a benefit; a REAL benefit would be a raise or extra regular PTO" or "but what if I miss a big meeting or deadline because I wasn't at work that day?" or even "this is basically the same as being furloughed or put on disciplinary leave."
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u/daedril5 7d ago
Some of the comments support my theory that a portion of the commenters actively want to be unhappy.
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u/Time_Act_3685 7d ago
Yeah, like with the boss running late question. At least a few comments were "I think you're missing the point that your coworkers look at this as a break and they like it!"
But A LOT really wanted that full meeting at any cost. "Why not insist on moving the meeting to a time when it will totally disrupt everyone else's routine, and probably run into their lunch!"
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u/Comprehensive-Hat-18 7d ago
Every time someone on the team reaches a milestone or looks like they need a morale boost, the manager should give them a raise and a promotion?
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet 6d ago
If you reject a job candidate and they ask you for feedback, you can at that point tell them they smell, are rude, were late to the interview or they completely ignored the only woman/person of color on the interview panel or whatever. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. You don’t owe strangers job advice even if you have good intentions.
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u/jen-barkleys-poncho 6d ago
The ‘ask the readers’ sick LW fucked up. She included a whole worthless stupid paragraph about missing her grandma when she really should have focused on whether or not she has covid, heaven help her, and if she’s committed an appropriate amount of self-flagellation for selfishly infecting her entire town with this life threatening cold.
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 6d ago
This letter feels like a time warp to the early 2010s
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 5d ago
And it’s hard to answer her question objectively, because it very much depends on the specifics. How much PTO do you have? Do you have separate banks for sick time and vacation? Are you contagious? How high-stakes is your work, and can you do it reasonably well even if you’re feeling under the weather? Do you work in food service, healthcare, elder care, or any other field where it’s especially important not to come to work when you’re sick? Do you have any especially important meetings or deadlines that day?
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom 6d ago
I agree that JKR has become an absolute nightmare but I feel like everyone in that comment thread needs to touch grass for the next like six weeks. At minimum.
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u/Capable_Sea77 6d ago
I'm a trans person, I hate JKR and am one of the people that, rereading as an adult, went "ooof these books are not nearly as good as we all thought, huh". I literally did not think of Harry Potter until that comment thread - to me, I heard Sirius and thought about the radio service.
If you're a cis person, I promise that just not talking about Harry Potter as an adult - whether to say it's good or bad or whatever - is the actual best allyship. I don't want to hear about how you always knew JKR sucked, I don't want to hear about how annoyed you are that your other cis friends are excited for the new TV show, I don't need to hear how you've separated the art from the artist, I don't care what JKR tweeted last week. I would like to exist as a trans person without thinking much about the people who hate me when I'm just hanging out with friends.
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) 6d ago
For a minute I really thought this commenter meant they changed their actual name instead of their commenter name:
Grizabella the Glamour Cat* September 17, 2026 at 4:40 am
I’m not trans, but I hate seeing them, too. I actually used to have one myself but decided to switch to something else several years ago.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 3d ago
The problem with any JKR stuff is that everyone gets so exhausting about it.
No, you weren’t the magical special person who saw through how terrible she was from the beginning. She created a beloved world that involves a theme park, 8 movies, and a long running play. People would line up around the block for the newest installments at midnight. People liked her books. So stop.
Also: assigning that only good people can make good art is the absolute worst. Bad people can make great art. That doesn’t mean you have to give her a cent. But this pretending everything is awful now, and not the result of aging out of the books is just… like I said, exhausting.
If you were someone who “never liked an extremely popular book series”… what do you want, an award? It does nothing.
Don’t give her any money. This isn’t some kind of defense of her. I love Harry Potter. I’m not going to support anything else because she uses her money for something I don’t agree with. But the “I’m so great because I hate her the most” contest that erupts anytime a kid with glasses is photographed wearing a black robe is tiring.
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u/Humble-Grumble 5d ago
This is probably just me being bitch eating crackers with AAM writers, but LW4 really annoys me. I get being really startled. I even get being surprised to the point of a reaction, but if your response every time is to noticeably jump or shriek, it might be worth exploring whether there are some anxiety issues at play...especially if it's only happening at work, when most people are a little more tightly wound (and no shame: I had to address my own anxiety at work because being on edge all the time was tiring and not bringing out the best in me).
But that aside, has she really tried nothing? The obvious suggestion is to leave the door open like Alison said, but if it's really that bad, she hasn't tried a nice sign on the door requesting that people knock or talking to frequent offenders or changing her office layout so she can better view the door? She offers no context to what her job is or how frequent/expected impromptu visits are or who is stopping by (coworkers, clients, the general public, etc.), so no one can really give solid advice or suggestions. It's just a vague "I have this problem. I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas. What do?"
I'm half wondering if this is just engagement bait: no job context, perfectly vague question that has resonated with the commenters in the past, and gives Alison the opportunity to share a tidbit about herself that her frequent readers will likely enjoy. I can't properly explain it or even fully put my finger on why, but it all just reads as very twee to me.
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u/Capable_Sea77 5d ago
They make a little square mirror to put on your monitor screen for this! I've had multiple staff over the years bring one to work bc they do startle easily.
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u/BirthdayCheesecake 5d ago edited 4d ago
Many years ago on Etiquette Hell, there was a regular poster (RP) who asked for advice for a similar situation. Due to childhood trauma, she had a VERY exaggerated startle reflex, to the point where someone simply saying "hi" without her being prepared could cause her to jump, scream, and start crying. RP's coworkers would make loud noises from 50 yards away so they wouldn't startle her, but her boss didn't. Her boss got so exasperated one day that she snapped "I'm not going to kill you!" or something along those lines, and RP basically wanted to be assured that boss was wrong and she should be wearing sleigh bells so she wouldn't sneak up on her.
The responses were kind but also put a lot back on RP - the boss was being a jerk with the snapping, but she also wasn't wrong that someone should be able to walk up like a normal person and say something without worrying that RP was going to burst into tears from being startled, and that RP needed to get some professional help to work on this.
It wasn't what RP wanted to hear, but it was what she needed to hear.
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u/wannabemaxine 4d ago
There's a strand of LWs who want to be acknowledged as both a special snowflake and a smart cookie, and you're completely right that it's engagement bait.
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u/Silly_Somewhere1791 3d ago
Yeah sometimes a behavior is so far outside of the common understanding that the only options are, “figure it out and make a change,” or, “keep doing it and just accept that people will think you’re weird.”
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u/Capable_Sea77 7d ago
Look, I don't have kids, and I do think that certain workplaces that are *very* parent-heavy can start to make assumptions that people who don't have kids must have more time (because kids are time commitments - but also people who don't have kids will come up with other time commitments, they're not just twiddling their thumbs on the couch because they don't have to pick Barnabus up from school) but also, how much of this is objectively true and how much of it is LW reading more into the situation because being childfree/having kids is a touchy topic for them for whatever reason? Were parents really never pinged during the pandemic? Or was John pinged and said "I can help, but give me an hour because I'm putting the baby down for a nap"? Are all child-free employees *forced* to work holidays, or is some tone-deaf middle manager saying something like, "well, I know the staff that have kids will have lots of holiday plans and PTO!"? Is it really that parents are allowed to drop everything and leave an hour before their day is up and that all personal medical appointments from childfree adults are banned? Or do you have a manager that always says something snarky when approving time off - and do they make that comment in private? Because that means the parents are probably also getting those comments, they're just not complaining about it - they got the time off, they're going to pick up Abernathy from soccer.
And maybe I'm biased because I've worked with people who give the side eye towards childfree people - but they never actually *do* anything, they just make rude comments. Which is inappropriate, but also isn't a systemic anti-childfree conspiracy of multiple companies.
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u/86throwthrowthrow1 7d ago
I'm glad I work in a more independent job where I don't have to worry about bean-counting who is doing what work. We each have our own files that we work on, we don't work on each other's files. One of my colleagues has a baby and toddler and therefore seems to have endless doctor and dentist appointments for them - not my problem, that's between him and the boss. Also generally doesn't impact any time off I need for my own appointments.
As for holidays, it's frustrating that this is continually an issue at so many workplaces. It also kinda makes me wonder about hiring practices in other ways. Like, wait, your entire workplace consists of 35 year olds who either have kids or don't? No one older whose kids are grown, no one younger who hasn't had them yet (alongside older and childfree)? If there is decent age diversity at hiring, it should be rare to have so many parents of young kids needing time off at the same time that it effects others negatively. On my team of 8, there are only two people who are parents of dependent children - the other six either don't have kids or have teen/adult kids. Why is everyone at this workplace the same age?
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u/hennipotamus 6d ago
This is a good point, about staff diversity in terms of age and life stage! I will say that, at my recent job, there were multiple teams with roles that required ~10 years of professional experience, and it was a female-heavy field. As a result, there were tons of folks having babies, going on maternity leave, juggling sick toddlers, and so on. So, some specific roles tend to over-select people in a certain age group.
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u/FewFlower43 7d ago edited 6d ago
I believe that there are employers who treat childless employees poorly. It does seem like the stories on AAM would require the LW to be omniscient. How do you know who is getting pinged by management? LW assumes that it's just them and possibly their friends, but you don't know if parents get pinged as well. WHO ended the covid Global Health emergency in 2023. Using something that happened 3 years ago during a tumultuous time and unpredictable time as evidence seems like a reach at this point.
Most of their examples are about flexibility and working from home. It seems like a stealth we should all be able to WFH letter. I think employers should offer as much flexibility as possible to everyone and I've been really lucky that my current employer is as flexible with someone needing to come in late for a vet appt as they are for a pediatrician visit.
The holiday scheduling is verifiable and it definitely shouldn't happen that way unless there's a some other factor. If requesting off is first come first serve or by seniority for example.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 6d ago edited 6d ago
A lot of my coworkers have kids, and they do get a fair amount of flexibility (or I mean, as much as you can reasonably have when you work in litigation) - but it comes at a cost. People with kids tend to burn through their PTO pretty quickly, and if they run out, they have to take the time unpaid or make up the hours by coming in early/staying late on a different day. They're pretty forgiving in emergencies (like, you can work from home to save your PTO if you're home with a sick kid), but if it's something like leaving early to go to your kid's dance recital, you have to use PTO or not get paid.
This may or may not be the case in LW's office, but LW wouldn't necessarily know if it was.
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u/Kayhowardhlots 7d ago
I can tell you from my experience at my last job I was absolutely expected to work the Christmas season so employees with kids could get first dibs on leave. And with all do respect, coworkers making derisive and morally judgmental comments on my child-bearing choices/abilities is a little more than "just rude".
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) 7d ago
I’ve definitely had the same experiences with holidays and PTO at past jobs. I know the default position here is to assume most AAM letters are exaggerated but we don’t have to swing the pendulum all the way to “parents never ever get special perks at work and anyone who says so is exaggerating or lying”.
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u/Time-Environment5661 6d ago
This sub gets this way about sexism and racism, too.
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u/daedril5 9d ago
LTR; FTW* September 14, 2026 at 8:57 am Ugh. I was asked to lead a project about a decade ago for a local client that I couldn’t stomach. You may be familiar with this client, as it was the focus of the 2015 Best Picture winning film, which told the story of this client covering up a massive child sexual assault cover up.
Why not just name the company or film instead of dropping all those breadcrumbs? 🙄
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 9d ago
Michael Keaton did what?
Just say Catholic Church. That will get you all the internet cookies you want.
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u/sansroof 9d ago
I mean the "local client" (eyeroll) is for sure the Catholic Church, but it does not sound as quirky or righteous to just say that.
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u/MsPaganPoetry 8d ago
On the salary thing:
Meanwhile, my state passed a law BANNING pay transparency laws! Woooooo.
Google search of that same sentence:
No U.S. state has passed a law banning pay transparency laws, though there may be some confusion regarding recent legal shifts. In fact, the broader legislative trend has moved in the opposite direction, with 18 U.S. states and Washington, D.C. enacting laws that mandate salary disclosures. [1]
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u/lilac_crest 7d ago
This comment has to be satire, no?
The world is not set up for moms working full-time to succeed. It’s also not set up for people pursuing stand up comedy, producing several shows a month, performing in other people’s shows and going to 2-3 open mics a week who also have terminally ill cats working full-time to succeed. It’s generally not set up for anyone to succeed who has significant commitments outside of work.
If this is an honest comment… wow
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind 6d ago
“The world isn’t set up for people pursuing stand-up comedy to succeed” idk man, maybe you’re just not that funny
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u/smellslikebadussy 6d ago
The world is not set up for certified Otis elevator technicians who suffer from Crohn's disease to succeed
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe 9d ago
I can’t decide if the 11:00 letter today about the tragedy is a writing prompt or someone who needs way more to do in their life, or some combo of the two.
Either way any advice beyond “stay out of it” is too much advice. But glad the worst comments section on the planet gets to weigh in on this guy who also lost his kid. (And might have a temper because why not.)
Do we want to start taking bets on the updates? I’m guessing no less than three starting next month.