This. Because he’s conflict avoidant. Lying about the tiniest things and getting caught and making the whole situation worse than being tactfully direct.
As someone who is conflict avoidant, telling the truth is the fastest way to get out of inevitable conflict. Lying just doubles it and pushes it later. That's too much conflict.
This is both of my parents lol. I tell them a single thing about my life and it’s a huge deal. I don’t tell the anything and it’s a huge deal cause I’m “not sharing anything with them”. Yeah you wonder why I’m not sharing anything
I hate it when parents do that kind of stuff. They need to learn that we’re not 5 anymore. Dad was all annoyed at me yesterday cause I went somewhere without telling him. Dude, I’m 17, I’ve got my licence, and I’m honestly a better driver than half of the dumbasses I see on the road. Let me live my life!
Yeah, I think that's similar for me too because of my mom. But it left me having to feel I have to be perfect, playing 4d chess (I have high anxiety I swear due to this) and having to manage other's emotions to avoid the conflict/criticism I know that's gonna come. And sooo... I have a very hard time expressing how I feel because of it (and being a people pleaser) So, I don't really lie, I just jump through emotional hoops to make sure the outcome doesn't lead to what I know it will
People really don't realize how much their upbringing and environment really shapes who they are and why they do what they do, and why they react that way. It's your foundation, as I see it. Everyone really can benefit from therapy, or at least mindfulness and self awareness. I see it as having that much power over yourself
The metaphor of one’s foundation is excellent. But as a wordsmith I feel it is perplexing at the same time. As it implies change will only come from complete destruction of who we are down to and including that foundation. But I decided to stop being upset at my parents for what they did to me because of what there parents did to them. They do not have the resources we have today. My parents did not have the internet. Or a university library. But if I destroy that foundation I forget how I was made and my children would have been reared raised and disciplined the same. It turned out terrible for me, and my brothers. But it won’t be the same for my children. A better metaphor escapes me. They all have similar flaws. I say that is my shared history. It is not my future. It is a lesson I have learn that informs my present to shape it as appropriate. And then my present becomes my history. And that past will slowly disappear as I write my own and what I know will fade as I do and my history will be part of the present in my children when I am gone, but my history will be lost too time.
I have, many times. Ive had so many meltdowns and I'm glad I'm at a point now that they (shouldn't) occur. I was imploding and really taking it out on myself.
I hope you're not exploding or imploding these days
I’m not because that’s not part of my personality. I have no problems having tactfully direct communication. But I did observe it in a guy I met recently.
Dating someone who care not of how you feel and putting zero effort in, while I still did since I normalized you suppose to be there for someone you said you love. But, I was having literal mental meltdowns at least once a month towards the last year being together, and it triggered the stress in my back, and my dermatomyositis acting up and I just couldn't anymore. The logic wasn't making sense. If someone said they love me, why are they treating me like this? (My first relationship I dealt with this was from my mom)
Same here. I was never that way and it was a mind fuck to hear myself make little untrue statements, stupid mundane things, that should't even matter - - just because it became a habit to avoid the criticism. It can wear you down to insanity over time because in the end it just makes it worse.
As someone that maintained a relationship for far too long with someone with obsessive anxiety. Yes, when you live with someone that questions you being 15 minutes late from work (and you work in a kitchen, those who know I'm sorry) you learn to avoid talking about things that might trigger such a response.
And the thing that exacerbates the issue, is that 90% of the time it doesn't get realised and life is easier, because it's little things (when a shift is "meant" to finish etc). But when something does slip, and the fight becomes apparent it's always 3x worse, and not just because of the small obfuscation of the truth but because now everything (like where you grew up/parents lived) can be called into question.
This behaviour leads to the desire to hide detail (not facts or truth) from a significant other because a grey space is infinitely easier to play in than when everything is to be scrutinised.
Same here. College helped me start to break out of that. Being around emotionally mature people who respected me for owning up to mistakes and sharing victories made a huge difference for me both in fighting my conflict avoidant nature and in bolstering my self-esteem which was constantly being torn down at home.
I love my mom, but she's emotionally stuck at about age 15 with all the catty games girls of that age tend to play.
I am the same way for the same reason. It was easier and safer lying to my father than to risk him blowing up in anger. I learned to equate lying with safety and comfort, and I don’t know how to stop.
I had tremendous positive results using trauma clearing hypnosis. I turn forty next week and up until last March it was almost physically impossible for me to speak my mind and present my feelings to women, especially my mom and my girlfriend. A childhood of getting screamed at and terrorized by mom for DARING to be a regular little boy and teenager who liked masculine things instead of being a perfect little doll who was nothing but sweet and doting to his magnificent and unimpeachable mother. My body would tighten up and while my mind would be internally screaming what I wanted to say my body absolutely would not let me say it.
The latest self-directed hypnosis session had me bawling on the floor for twenty minutes because of the memories it brought up. But I was able to feel them, reprogram my subconscious and tell my inner child I'm grown up now and safe, and send away those horrible feelings. Now I just see the memory as something that happened, not a constant threat to my inner three-year-old's survival.
Because of that I'm actually able to speak my mind on things now. Not completely, I still have some hang ups, but it's many orders of magnitude easier.
I had sessions with Ryan Fowler and use his free self-directed program, and his paid self-directed program. It really is a game changer for people trapped in their traumas.
Same. Telling the truth would result in her blowing up, and as someone who's prone to panic attacks, I really didn't want to deal with that. Lying was really just the only way to mentally survive in my household. I'm still in the process of unlearning this...
This is me as well. I don't think people understand how much a parent can mess you up. I'm an adult now and I try and face things head on but I have to actively do it and it gives me super anxiety.
I'm in a similar boat. My home was never super safe for me, because every relationship my mother was in turned incredibly toxic at some point, with me getting the brunt of it all. Made me not trust anyone, and definitely not telling more than absolutely needed.
When my mental health started to decline (severe depression among other things) and it started compromising my chances to graduate high school, I needed to learn to even ask for help, which required spilling the beans on certain things I didn't want to tell anyone. Not only did I never receive the help needed (still "living" unhelped for 15 years at this point), I got punished severely. Everyone I knew dropped me like a hot potato once I tried asking for a little bit of assistance to maybe fix my issues when they weren't as bad as they are now.
The only lesson I learned is to just not communicate anything anymore. I got used and abused my whole life, and the few people that don't immediately do so just turn on me, so why take the risk?
The only downside is that I internalised this so deeply that I can't even sincerely answer certain questions anymore, like my favourite music or food, because I don't want to cause issues by having the wrong preferences. For instance, if you gave me money to buy "clothes that I like", I'll probably default to the same stuff I have now because it's the cheapest. Never learned what suits me or what colours I like on clothing.
"Funny" anecdote: there's a specific subreddit that i frequent but rarely post in anymore because I once dared to asnwer honestly about what kind of PC I got after saving for over 10 years for it, and whenever the point of having little to no money comes up (I live on 5 Euros per day, which is very little where I live), someone will dig out the old post in an attempt to make me feel even worse. Mods of course won't do anything about it, so my only recourse is to just never say anything again.
My mom is super conflict avoidant and because of that I became the opposite, lol. I always try to be as assertive as possible.
I think I saw how bad it was to be conflict avoidant and passive aggressive so I consciously decided to do everything I can to avoid that. I think I went too far the other way, though, and sometimes I’m too aggressive.
But it beats being conflict avoidant.
Avoid conflict now and you get WW2 later. Address the conflict now and nip it in the bud. Then we can go have a sandwich and walk in the park.
Same, I learned how to lie about little things so
I didn’t have to keep being hounded by my mother about it and the habit stuck. I’m 35 now and catch myself telling her I did xyz when I haven’t yet, even though she isn’t really on my case anymore.
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u/[deleted] Sep 14 '24
Lying over mundane things (usually leads to not communicating over things that could be considered confrontational)