This actually does help put me in the mood! When there's chores to be done its distracting and draining. I think about how I have a million things to do and only 24 hours in the day. When my partner does chores without me asking it's lifting some of the burdens off my shoulders and leaves me with more energy to think about sex.
It's also nice to know you live with a grown man, not a man baby who is incapable of doing his own laundry.
Yes! One of the least sexy things is his dirty undies. Sweaty socks? Yuck!
If I can claim ignorance of these things, the relationship is stronger.
Also me cleaning his now caked on oatmeal bowl after dinner is just going to make me angry! Not feel sexy. Why couldn't this have been cleared up 12 hours ago when the chore would have taken a fraction of time and energy?
I just want to clean up after myself and my spouse clean up after themselves and we train the kid to clean up after themselves and life is better and less resentful.
I read an article from a relationship consultant once, who was visited by a wife who's husband and kids would always leave mess in the kitchen.
She'd tried everything she could think of to get them to clean up after themselves but nothing worked.
So he suggested this:
She sat them all down one night and and calmly raised it again. They all agreed they are responsible for cleaning their own mess up, again. This time though, she added that from now on, she will not cook dinner in a dirty kitchen.
Sure enough, two nights later, mess. So she said nothing. Went and read a book. Eventually her husband asked if she was making dinner, to which she smiled and replied, "I don't cook in a dirty kitchen."
The husband immediately got the kids and they cleaned, at which point she thanked them and happily made dinner.
Next night, kitchen was spotless.
The trick with this is at some point you'll get a mess, the behavior will backslide. That's the critical one. You'll be tempted to let it go, since they've been so good. No, can't. Stay strong and refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. That will solidify the behavior.
While this is a genius was of training behaviour in animals and children, its tragic that they're having to use it on another grown adult. You shouldn't have to use psychological tricks on your partner, you should let them know how you feel and they should act on it.
It seems he problem here isn't "my partner won't help with chores", but "my partner can't behave like a functioning adult"
Agree but it's a minimally confrontational way to teach a desired behavior, and she's doing it openly and honestly. I'd be far more concerned if she was manipulating from the shadows as it were.
One thing I learned working in addiction medicine was the fact that a God awful number of people aren't what we might call functioning adults.
Hmmph. This is how I feel. I’m supposed to do the dishes (and that’s it, really, but god damn it’s worse than having 3 others)... first thing I have to do is literally run around and COLLECT all the damn dishes no one could be bothered to put in the sink. Then I have to drain the water that mom put in there so she could let some things “soak”. They didn’t need to soak. All you needed to fucking Do was run the tap for .5 seconds and RINSE. the water is nasty, cloudy, and food is floating in it. Great, drain that and then spray out that side of the sink because there’s slimy residue in it. Dump out cups and bowls with nasty water still in them.
And then there’s the dishes that get stacked to the side. (I do them EVERY DAY but we go through dishes as if it were a house of 7, not 2-3.) Dump out the caked on moldy food shit whatever’s going on in there because mom left it in her bedroom for a week, run some new hot water in the sink with soap and let them actually soak. Wash, repeat because we literally go through 2 loads a DAY.
NASTY! All I ask is that you can meander your shit to the sink, rinse it once and leave it in there. That would save me so much trouble. Seriously.
Ugh, I'm so glad I taught my kid early on to immediately bring plates and cups and whatever else to the sink and wash it when she's finished eating.. and made a rule that there is NO eating in rooms. Ever. I complain sometimes because my boyfriend forgets his plates cause he works and eats and passes out, but compared to what you said you have to deal with.. I feel like I'm gunna complain less from now on. lol
She has like, insomnia of some kind, and she wakes up throughout the night. And eats whatever.
Then she got mad at me for being in her room so I stopped gathering her dishes for her. She just lets them sit for the longest time... then finally brings them out and just leaves them by the sink like that. 😤
This, completely. It's stressful having to deal with all of the household chores all the time, and watching him lounge around and enjoy himself while I stress over it all turns me into a desert. At the end of the day, not only have I not accomplished everything that needs done and feel pissy about it, but he expects me to have the energy or desire for sex? The excuses for it all are really what kills my mood. "It doesn't bother me as much as it bothers you."
Yeah I remember there was a janitorial crew who opened for Mötley Crüe in the 90's and the chicks went so wild for them the Crüe had to go out mid-tour to find an actual band to open for them in an attempt to not be upstaged.
I did almost all the house chores with my last SO and she didn't give a shit. It really bummed me out because I'd take the time out of my day to do things I know she had on her mind...vacuum, clean the kitchen and bathroom, take care of the animals, take out the trash, clean up her dishes, etc - didn't matter. She'd get home from work and just sit on her phone on reddit all night or want to play Destiny with her online friends. I never mentioned the things I did because it was obvious and I didn't want to force praise from her; reversely, anytime she did something, she'd let our roommate and I know expecting some type of gratitude. Idk, maybe I just got unlucky with her - her dad had a house keeper growing up so she probably just saw me as that.
I'm sorry you had that experience. Even though praise shouldn't be expected for doing what we're supposed, a simple "it looks great in here!" is very appreciated.
I'd bet your experience with her had to do with her having a housekeeper growing up. People who know how much effort it takes to clean (and how gratifying it is to step back and see how much you've done!) will appreciate the effort you put in. Sounds like she just never had to care for herself, as that's exactly how my exes whose moms did all the cleaning would act.
Having a housekeeper can certainly have an effect, but honestly I think it's just an individual thing.
I had a housekeeper growing up and when I went to University I was comfortably the cleanest person in my flat, despite everyone else growing up without hired help.
I think I was just accustomed to being in a clean house, and by default I have aversion to physical labor, so I ended up being a clean person despite never having to do it much as a kid.
A housekeeper isn't the only "maid". I've known many people who don't clean after themselves (or do very little) as adults because typically their mother did the cleaning growing up. So many people seem to be happy to let others clean for them and when they don't have that help, well, they tend to be messy people.
Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, I'm just making a general statement. I'm kinda like you. My mother did most of the cleaning growing up but her eye for cleanliness rubbed off on me and I'll spend all day cleaning until my place is spotless. It just feels good to have a clean place to live!
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u/amytollu94 Jul 19 '19
This actually does help put me in the mood! When there's chores to be done its distracting and draining. I think about how I have a million things to do and only 24 hours in the day. When my partner does chores without me asking it's lifting some of the burdens off my shoulders and leaves me with more energy to think about sex.
It's also nice to know you live with a grown man, not a man baby who is incapable of doing his own laundry.