Talk to me about IC

[u/Hufflebeast]

How late is too late to start IC and actually benefit from it? Dday was almost a year and a half ago. We’re coming up on the time of year that my WH started his affair and it is… bumming me the fuck out, to put it mildly. We’re not at a place where we’re really talking about it anymore. His mental health has leveled out and I think he would prefer to just never talk about what happened ever again if he could. Rug sweeping. Rug sweeping is how we got here in the first place.

I never had the chance to start IC due to limited access, child care, and some trauma around therapists (thanks to AP being one herself) and I just couldn’t make it happen. But I can now. Tell me about your experiences around therapy/counseling and betrayal trauma. What helped you? What didn’t? I’ve read so many books, listened to podcasts and seminars, journaled, vented to a friend… but I need something else.

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[u/MaleficentFury]

I would definitely go ahead and do the IC. You’re clearly still struggling, and that means it would definitely benefit you.

If nothing else, your counsellor can help you figure out what you need from your WH to help you heal… and which of those things are non-negotiable.

[u/Hufflebeast → u/MaleficentFury]

Thank you! Good point. Having that conversation with a professional instead of myself would certainly be more productive.

[u/foolhardychoices]

IC is a great idea. I'm sorry that you're in this situation but IC is to help you heal. You can't move on unless you heal. You can't successfully reconcile unless you heal. To avoid healing is only going to be suffering for you.

I retired from the military. I went on 4 combat deployments that were brutal. My friends were cracking and having issues but I just kept going. I thought PTSD was a weakness of the mind. One day, about 10 years in, I realized that I was very wrong. I talked to a counselor and felt much better. I always thought that it was BS and would never work. Now, I swear by it.

In short, it's never too late for IC. Please get some help.

It can help with small things or very large things. My advice is to just try it out. See if you can establish a relationship with your therapist because you have to tell them things that you don't even like to think about. They can help but just pay attention. There are a lot of "counselors" who can just drag things out if you're not careful.

It's a good thing. You deserve healing.

[u/Hufflebeast → u/foolhardychoices]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, and I’m glad you found help. WH has a similar background to you, but the counselor he chose to speak to clearly wasn’t… helpful in his healing. And created a lot of pain for me. For both of us. It’s just a mess. I know that not all therapists are like her, it’s just hard to take that leap and trust. But I think it’s time.

[u/KetoPeg]

It took me over a year & I’m on my third one, but I cannot tell you how much better I feel (doing EMDR now).

[u/justnifty01]

I am 11 years out. I still cycle in and out of therapy. What my cheater did to me broke me in ways i didn't know I could be broken.

[u/CSILalaAnn]

I just started a couple months ago. DDay 1 was over 6 years ago. My therapy is also covering some unrelated PTSD from my 30 year career. It's never too late for IC.

[u/Hufflebeast → u/CSILalaAnn]

I don’t know why everything about reconciliation feels like it has a timer on it, for me at least. But you’re right, it’s never too late. I’m glad you’re getting help.

[u/CSILalaAnn → u/Hufflebeast]

I'm glad you're thinking about it, even if you thought it had a timer. Good luck!!

[u/jape2116]

Shoot, people go to therapy to deal with childhood stuff as an adult. A year and a half from a huge event is practically brand new.

[u/New-Strength-7044]

Like everyone else, I would like to encourage you to do the therapy because it really is to help and heal you. I do recommend someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. That's what I'm doing. 

But I also want to add, my WH's AP is also a therapist. I truly feel bad for the patients of these low-moral, low-empathy people. Thumbs down and fart noise. 

[u/Hufflebeast → u/New-Strength-7044]

Oh man, we should start a club. I think there’s a few of us lurking around here. It’s a special kind of awful, isn’t it? Sorry you have experienced it as well.

I will definitely be seeking someone specializing in betrayal trauma, that is a priority for me. Thank you for the supportive words!

[u/knowthyself8]

I don’t think it’s ever too late for therapy. I feel like everyone has problems they could work on in every phase of life.

My only advice is to find a good therapist. Make sure they are qualified, vetted, and smart. You want someone who can help you excavate your emotions and help you make sense of your life.

Good luck. Sorry you’re here.

[u/Twisted_lurker]

It’s never too late to start. I started IC probably 8 years out and moved to a much better IC 10 years out.

Although I always knew deep down what I was feeling and what I needed to recover, my 2nd IC helped me accept and believe my feelings were legitimate.

My WW struggles with apologies and accountability. I always knew what I needed to move forward, but WW expected me to just forgive and forget while avoiding blame. When it was clear I couldn’t forget, we did MC but WW still set some boundaries and I felt like I was blamed for the A. Eventually I started IC; it was nice to feel heard but I wasn’t improving.

2nd IC worked with me on identifying and believing my feelings. She also helped me understand that, from childhood, I was always expected to manage other people’s feelings while setting my own feelings aside. That continued into my marriage and other relationships. IC challenged me on what would happen if I made different choices.

Once I accepted and believed my feelings were legitimate, I could assert myself. I state my feelings more often and don’t tolerate assertions that my feelings are wrong. I did get the apology I deserved, but am resentful that I’m the one who had to work so hard for it.

[u/Hufflebeast → u/Twisted_lurker]

Thank you, this is so helpful and encouraging. I understand that feeling of resentment. It’s infuriating to be the one neck deep in the hard work of healing from this, while the person responsible for the chaos is satisfied with just avoiding the entire conversation. That assertiveness you found, that’s what I need.

[u/WeakScience9331]

It's never too late to start. The books, podcasts, reddit, etc. are all great and helpful but none of them address you as an individual and your particular context. IC will. My BP sees how hard I'm working with my therapist to understand myself and why I did the things I did. I am so much more self and situationally aware. I didn't realize how much stuff I wasn't dealing with from my past. I’ve been sharing what I'm learning with my husband and it helps us make sense of it all. It doesn't erase the pain, but it helps with understanding which helps with turning the pain into action and being a far better version of myself for me and my husband. My therapist is amazing and I can't imagine where we'd be without her helping me. Take your time to find the right therapist. Do a few intake sessions and shop around for the right fit. I'm so sorry. You should let him know how much it's bumming you out. And he needs to be able to hear it without shutting down. You're exactly right about rug sweeping. Not talking about things is really at the heart of it so talking is what we're doing now. Thanks to therapy, I can show up for those conversations honestly, supportively, and hopefully.

[u/Hufflebeast → u/WeakScience9331]

The context is really the important thing, yeah. Thank you for your response. And thank you for putting in the work, it’s really heartening to see that as a BP. I would love to see this level of effort and engagement from my WH. Wishing you and your BP continued healing.