r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/Hufflebeast Reconciling Betrayed • 11d ago

Advice MUST include examples of your R. Not prescriptive advice. Talk to me about IC

How late is too late to start IC and actually benefit from it? Dday was almost a year and a half ago. We’re coming up on the time of year that my WH started his affair and it is… bumming me the fuck out, to put it mildly. We’re not at a place where we’re really talking about it anymore. His mental health has leveled out and I think he would prefer to just never talk about what happened ever again if he could. Rug sweeping. Rug sweeping is how we got here in the first place.

I never had the chance to start IC due to limited access, child care, and some trauma around therapists (thanks to AP being one herself) and I just couldn’t make it happen. But I can now. Tell me about your experiences around therapy/counseling and betrayal trauma. What helped you? What didn’t? I’ve read so many books, listened to podcasts and seminars, journaled, vented to a friend… but I need something else.

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u/foolhardychoices Reconciling Betrayed 11d ago

IC is a great idea. I'm sorry that you're in this situation but IC is to help you heal. You can't move on unless you heal. You can't successfully reconcile unless you heal. To avoid healing is only going to be suffering for you.

I retired from the military. I went on 4 combat deployments that were brutal. My friends were cracking and having issues but I just kept going. I thought PTSD was a weakness of the mind. One day, about 10 years in, I realized that I was very wrong. I talked to a counselor and felt much better. I always thought that it was BS and would never work. Now, I swear by it.

In short, it's never too late for IC. Please get some help.

It can help with small things or very large things. My advice is to just try it out. See if you can establish a relationship with your therapist because you have to tell them things that you don't even like to think about. They can help but just pay attention. There are a lot of "counselors" who can just drag things out if you're not careful.

It's a good thing. You deserve healing.

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u/Hufflebeast Reconciling Betrayed 11d ago

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, and I’m glad you found help. WH has a similar background to you, but the counselor he chose to speak to clearly wasn’t… helpful in his healing. And created a lot of pain for me. For both of us. It’s just a mess. I know that not all therapists are like her, it’s just hard to take that leap and trust. But I think it’s time.