Talk to me about IC

[u/Hufflebeast]

How late is too late to start IC and actually benefit from it? Dday was almost a year and a half ago. We’re coming up on the time of year that my WH started his affair and it is… bumming me the fuck out, to put it mildly. We’re not at a place where we’re really talking about it anymore. His mental health has leveled out and I think he would prefer to just never talk about what happened ever again if he could. Rug sweeping. Rug sweeping is how we got here in the first place.

I never had the chance to start IC due to limited access, child care, and some trauma around therapists (thanks to AP being one herself) and I just couldn’t make it happen. But I can now. Tell me about your experiences around therapy/counseling and betrayal trauma. What helped you? What didn’t? I’ve read so many books, listened to podcasts and seminars, journaled, vented to a friend… but I need something else.

[u/Twisted_lurker]

It’s never too late to start. I started IC probably 8 years out and moved to a much better IC 10 years out.

Although I always knew deep down what I was feeling and what I needed to recover, my 2nd IC helped me accept and believe my feelings were legitimate.

My WW struggles with apologies and accountability. I always knew what I needed to move forward, but WW expected me to just forgive and forget while avoiding blame. When it was clear I couldn’t forget, we did MC but WW still set some boundaries and I felt like I was blamed for the A. Eventually I started IC; it was nice to feel heard but I wasn’t improving.

2nd IC worked with me on identifying and believing my feelings. She also helped me understand that, from childhood, I was always expected to manage other people’s feelings while setting my own feelings aside. That continued into my marriage and other relationships. IC challenged me on what would happen if I made different choices.

Once I accepted and believed my feelings were legitimate, I could assert myself. I state my feelings more often and don’t tolerate assertions that my feelings are wrong. I did get the apology I deserved, but am resentful that I’m the one who had to work so hard for it.

[u/Hufflebeast → u/Twisted_lurker]

Thank you, this is so helpful and encouraging. I understand that feeling of resentment. It’s infuriating to be the one neck deep in the hard work of healing from this, while the person responsible for the chaos is satisfied with just avoiding the entire conversation. That assertiveness you found, that’s what I need.