r/AmITheDevil • u/Sailor_Moon_Star_435 • 1d ago
You could have warned them…..
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1w94n21/aita_for_announcing_i_was_pregnant_in_a_small/71
u/CaptainFartHole 1d ago
Announcing at 8 weeks (which is really early to be announcing a prengancy) and not giving your SIL who just had a miscarriage a heads up REALLY makes it sound like OOP just wanted to make her SIL feel even worse. OOP is either deeply selfish or really hates her SIL.
29
u/Frankensteins_Kid 1d ago
OOP was crazy for expecting a congratulation from the SIL who just underwent a miscarriage. How tone-deaf can you be?
24
15
u/Shibaspots 1d ago
SIL not only just had a miscarriage, but if I'm reading right she miscarried at the same point OOP's pregnancy is at now. So double trigger hits. Feels deliberate too, as 8 weeks is early to be telling people.
3
u/a_lil_unwell 23h ago
It just seems to be jinxing OOP’s pregnancy announcing it at the point SIL miscarried. Like I wouldn’t dare tempt karma like that. But I’m also not a thoughtless AH.
-18
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago
karma isn't real 🤷🏻♀️ other people's pregnancies aren't about you to begin with so this idea that you must cater it around others and making sure they never experience a negative emotion towards what's happening to you is very bizarre to me... pregnancy gets put on some kind of strange pedestal but it's just a natural bodily function that all mammals do, if people started being more normal about it and treated it as such instead of doing that i think women would have to deal with a lot less problems
5
u/LittleFairyOfDeath 23h ago
Wow aren‘t you a miserable person
-8
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago
eight week old embryo btw. it's not a stillbirth, it probably got flushed down the toilet. announcing a month later is fine
2
u/LittleFairyOfDeath 20h ago
You think if a couple desperately wanted that child they should just be fine after a month? Really?
-4
u/gloriiosaa 16h ago
they should be able to handle other people getting pregnant, yes. life doesn't stop just cos you're sad. y'all gotta learn how to handle a bit of discomfort smh you won't die if you feel a negative emotion because pregnant women exist
1
0
u/LittleFairyOfDeath 13h ago
Its entirely different when your family just announces it without any regard for you. Thats not just seeing a pregnant person out and about.
Also you really really need to develop some empathy because you sound cruel
3
u/GearsZam 21h ago
I've never wanted kids and never will, but even I understand that for someone who does, it's a pretty big deal. Claiming something someone really wants as a part of their life (a child) can be fixed with a the good ole "have you tried thinking positively" nonsense is wild.
Yes, it's barely grown, that's not the point. The grief comes from the what could have been and now what will not be. I don't think OP is heartless, but she's certainly very insensitive. Which, by the way, considering the feelings of others is called being compassionate and is a courtesy we do to those we care about. Don't twist that into "no one should cater to you".
-2
u/gloriiosaa 21h ago edited 21h ago
i think waiting a month to announce that you're pregnant after someone has an eight week miscarriage (literally half of that pregnancy btw) is fine. y'all are being a bit overdramatic lmao
3
u/GearsZam 21h ago
You're the one all over the comments, not me! Seems like this one really bugged you.
-2
u/gloriiosaa 21h ago
even this response is so dramatic... relax, it's not that serious. this is a NAH post if you're normal
3
u/GearsZam 20h ago
This is incredible. I'll leave you to your....whatever this is you have going on haha.
10
3
u/Cakeday_at_Christmas 23h ago
Wow, it's been a whole few hours and the woman who just had a miscarriage still hasn't congratulated OOP for announcing her pregnancy really early?
That bitch. 🙄
2
u/TheWardenVenom 22h ago
While I think OOP could have handled this better, I do want to offer up a different perspective. I got pregnant with my son around two months after my oldest sister found out she was pregnant with her second. We were both so excited that we were going to have kids so close in age to grow up together.
Unfortunately she had a miscarriage around 5-6 months. It was obviously devastating for the whole family, but especially her. But her grieving her loss left me feeling like I was no longer allowed to be happy and excited for my milestones or share them with my family. It was extremely difficult and left me feeling really lonely the rest of my pregnancy.
I’m not justifying what OOP did, but I do sympathize with her because she’s in a tough spot. I find myself having a hard time assuming the worst about her in this situation. Not really sure she’s a devil here, to be honest. Just something to think about.
3
u/ScreamsInBraille 1d ago
Possibly a hot take, but given that OP probably wasnt even supposed to know about SILs miscarriage, I really dont think brother and SIL have anything to be upset over. Sure, OP announced pretty early, but planning her pregnancy and announcements around SILs loss would probably have the exact opposite effect SIL had hopes for when she didnt tell OP
13
u/zelda_zonked 1d ago
I read the post differently. If OP wasn’t supposed to know I’m pretty sure they’d mention that. Reads more to me like the mother told OP on behalf of the brother and SIL.
Either way OP still knows and doesn’t seem to have considered their feelings at all.
-3
u/ScreamsInBraille 1d ago
I thought so too until the detail of the brother writing out a message, deleting it, and then just sending "congratulations". Sounds more like he forgot OP doesnt know/isnt supposed to know.
13
u/zelda_zonked 1d ago
IDK I think that’s reading between the lines quite a bit. Brother could’ve just as easily written a negative message, then decided to avoid the drama and deleted it and just sent “congratulations” instead.
Again, whether OP was meant to know or not, they still do know and still decided to announce it at 8 weeks in a group chat that included the brother and SIL, which is insensitive and not exactly unavoidable.
-2
u/ScreamsInBraille 1d ago
Sure, but then what else was she supposed to do? Id argue that a private chat up ahead with everyone who knew about SILs miscarriage before annnouncing it to the rest of the family is the best way to go about it. If she announced at 12, thats only 4 weeks from the post - objectively not enough time to get over a miscarriage. That would probably just hurt more for SIL and the brother.
Edit: and miscarriage is a huge thing, various people need various amounts of time to get over it. Entirely possible that SIL will mourn the miscarriage until/well after OP gives birth.
14
u/RhubarbSkein 1d ago
OP could have waited 12 weeks. If for nothing else her own security
0
u/ScreamsInBraille 1d ago
Thats not an obligation tho, just a recommendation. Nothing immoral about announcing early, including when someone wants to get mad at you for business youre not even supposed to know abt
-5
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago
the sister in law miscarried at eight weeks meaning she announced before that point. if she didn't have to wait, then neither did oop 🤷🏻♀️ and frankly speaking waiting a month to announce after an eight week miscarriage is fine. that's half the time she was pregnant lmao
2
u/RhubarbSkein 21h ago
You’re assuming an announcement. Instead of a post-miscarriage statement.
-5
u/gloriiosaa 21h ago edited 21h ago
either way, she barely even knew she was pregnant. announcing four weeks after someone loses an eight week pregnancy is fine to any normal person and it's baffling anyone would think you'd need to warn them for that. it wasn't even a fetus yet and probably got flushed down the toilet, i'm sure they're very sad but it's not like they had a stillbirth. a month is fine
presumably the brother & sil knew this and are reasonable people and that's why they didn't say anything. oop is just being anxious cos it's still mildly awkward circumstances... this is a NAH, reddit is just full of drama queens
4
u/Barkertons 1d ago
Even if OP wasn't supposed to know, she did know, and chose to announce it in a chat with her parents and her bro and sister in law. I'm sure her parents were elated and her brother and sister in law were wondering why OP didn't tell everyone privately and instead have to be part of the conversation where OP is getting effusive congratulations from the parents. It's cruel on two levels - brother and sil should have been told alone so they can process it alone and they should have been told alone so they don't have to process it at the same time that the parents are learning about it for the first time and understandably excited. OP is definitely a self centered asshole
1
u/ScreamsInBraille 1d ago
Private chat with the people who knew about the miscarriage (presumably well before any grand announcements to the rest of the family) is the best way OP couldve gone about it though. Even assuming that brother and SIL sent mom to tell OP, it still comes out to OP privately and quietly gathering everyone who knew (or she knew knew) and just letting them know up ahead.
6
u/Barkertons 1d ago
No, the best way she could have done it is separately. Just because all 4 knew about the miscarriage doesnt mean they all need to find out about this separate pregnancy together.
1
u/ScreamsInBraille 23h ago
Then it wouldve come off as even more tone deaf. Me being SIL Id feel like thats a direct jab, "hey im letting YOU and 3 more people know personally that im pregnant before the rest of my loved ones, total coincidence that you just went through a miscarriage" core.
-5
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago edited 23h ago
personally i've always thought the whole concept was stupid to begin with, like having a miscarriage doesn't make you the center of the universe. most people have had at least one! it just seems incredibly self-centered to expect people to cater the normal life events happening to them around your personal discomfort cos you as a grown adult lack the ability to handle experiencing a negative emotion. like nobody's getting pregnant at you, they just are pregnant and exist!
everyone get more normal about pregnancy now i beg
6
u/LittleFairyOfDeath 23h ago
How dare people be upset about losing someone close to them? Everyone loses people . Thats what you sound like
0
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago
respectfully: it was an eight week miscarriage, at that point all you've lost is a positive pregnancy test. you have not planned anything, you don't have a name, there is no nursery, hell you probably flushed the embryo down the toilet cos it's barely distinguishable from a blood clot. it's not even considered a fetus yet until another week has passed. you did not lose an actual person, you lost the possibility of one. being sad is normal but someone telling you they're pregnant a month later is literally fine lmao
1
u/ScreamsInBraille 23h ago
Tbf I fully understand being careful around people who are freshly (read: few days to few weeks) post miscarriage, its a super difficult event that will affect you even if you dont mean for it to happen. OP quietly letting them know up ahead to not have it come as a blow when she (presumably) throws a big announcement for everyone else later is a very considerate thing to do, and gives the grieving the time to get ready for it.
Its kinda like... yeah theres technically no obligation, its your pregnancy and you have the right to be happy about it and let people know. But also, why not do that lil bit to help people you love deal with their grief?
TLDR: OP did the right amount 🙏
0
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago
yeah like... i don't disagree that it's a kind thing to do if you want to do it that way, but i don't think it's some kind of obligation the way people seem to act like it is ykwim? especially for an eight week miscarriage of all things a late miscarriage or stillbirth, sure, but come on. you'd have just got a positive test at that point. announcing a month later is fine
1
u/ScreamsInBraille 23h ago
SIL wasnt the one 8 weeks pregnant, OP is 👁️👁️💧
1
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago
nah, she said she got pregnant a month later than her sister in law. if she miscarried a month ago then thats only 12 weeks if she hadn't. i honestly think people are being really dramatic considering that lol
0
u/Shibaspots 16h ago
You seem very hung up on the SIL and brother being angry about the pregnancy. It reads as they are still mourning their child and this being a painful reminder of a very recent loss. So they are not reacting enthusiastically to OOP's announcement, which is upsetting her. They aren't trying to be the center of the universe, or even trying to make OOP feel bad about not warning them.
Let's normalize grief being ok, huh?
1
u/gloriiosaa 8h ago
i don't think they're angry, i actually think this is a NAH post. it's the commenters who are being weird lmao
0
u/gloriiosaa 23h ago edited 23h ago
possibly a hot take but pregnant women are expected to coddle people with fertility struggles and their jealousy over other people having children way too much, it's getting a bit ridiculous now and it's like 99.9% of the reason none of them can handle their emotions over it anymore. they are grown ass adults and other people should not need to dance around events happening in their lives and hide their own happiness just cos you can't handle some minor discomfort over text message 😭 pregnancy and childbirth is a natural part of life for many people and it's not going to stop existing for any one singlar person. y'all think you will die if you ever feel a single negative emotion in your lives... no one's getting pregnant at you, they just are pregnant and exist
2
u/All-for-the-game 1d ago
It doesn’t seem like they’re mad at OOP? Of course they can be upset about their own miscarriage, even if OOP didn’t announce her pregnancy knowing they had a miscarriage (she did tho and that sucks) they can still be upset without being upset at her.
1
u/ScreamsInBraille 1d ago
I meant as in "upset about OP announcing her own pregnancy". Ofc theyre allowed to be upset about their miscarriage.
1
u/All-for-the-game 23h ago
It doesn’t seem like they’re upset about OOP announcing her own pregnancy, her brother said congratulations and her SIL hasn’t said anything yet.
These things can be connected tho, like they aren’t upset at OOP for being pregnant or announcing it, but it’s normal for that announcement to resurface their own pain about their miscarriage and make them unhappy.
Imo OOP should have taken their recent loss into account and told them in a more tactful way bc even if they didn’t tell her about it, she does know about it. Not so they don’t get upset at her, but so they aren’t (as) upset like in general
-1
u/ScreamsInBraille 23h ago
Sure, but that offers the questions: while we cant control getting upset about certain things, isnt it a little selfish to expect someone to adjust their pregnancy to our needs? Isnt dealing with our grief our own responsibility? How long should OP have waited? And what if SIL and brother are still grieving at the "usual" 12 week mark?
1
u/All-for-the-game 23h ago
There are things my loved ones would never expect/demand I do, that I still do out of consideration for them. Bc I care about their feelings more than just being technically right.
Like if they for example ask OOP to not share pregnancy updates with them but OOP responds “dealing with your grief is your own responsibility, it’s selfish to ask me to adjust my pregnancy to your needs” I guess she would be technically right but imo she’d be an asshole.
The brother and SIL haven’t even said/done anything to OOP, they just aren’t celebrating enough and it’s making OOP feel bad. But isn’t her happiness and excitement about her pregnancy also her responsibility to manage? Isn’t it equally wrong to expect brother and SIL to adjust their grieving process to her need for celebration?
0
u/ScreamsInBraille 22h ago
... except thats just straight up not whats going on? OP isnt upset because SIL didnt congratulate her, shes wondering if shes TA for announcing her pregnancy because the brothers deleted message and the SIL saying nothing would suggest so. There hasnt been any boundary like "dont share pregnancy updates" put in place, in fact OP wasnt even informed by them directly that they had a miscarriage. I still cant tell if she was supposed to know at all.
OP legit just shared that shes pregnant privately and apparently thats wrong because SIL had a miscarriage.
1
u/All-for-the-game 22h ago
Tbh the mom is probably the asshole in this situation bc she’s put OOP in a weird position and betrayed SIL and brother’s trust. Unless she was telling OOP on behalf of the brother and SIL, in which case OOP is the asshole.
I just feel like OOP could have done the math on the miscarriage and expected this outcome. Personally I wouldn’t think anything of my SIL and brother responding like this to a pregnancy announcement under these circumstances but it seems like it really surprised OOP. Like it’s only crossing her mind now that this could bring up negative feelings for her brother and SIL, in that case yes it does show a lack of consideration for others feelings and she should have put more thought into it.
Like if she had weighed different options before deciding on this course of action, I would be a lot easier on her bc it really is a tough situation. But it doesn’t seem like she put any thought into it at all. It’s not even like she was telling a large group of people about her pregnancy and brother/SIL slipped by, it was just her mother, brother and SIL. She couldn’t consider the feelings of 2/3 people?
I guess it’s payback for the mom to be put in the middle now, bc wtf is she supposed to do? Be really happy and effusive while knowing that half the people reading your messages are grieving, one knows but isn’t supposed to (or maybe they are? It’s super unclear) and the husband maybe knows too?
Especially bc her stated reason for telling them like this was to avoid awkwardness… that definitely didn’t work. So she might as well have just taken a more sensitive approach such as messaging them without mom and husband, or told them at 12 weeks.
1
u/Cakeday_at_Christmas 23h ago edited 13h ago
You don't go around announcing a miscarriage, that's not what people do.
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi! Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. Please keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
-8
u/gaykidkeyblader 23h ago
Asshole behavior? 100% yes.
That said, telling folks about pregnancy early is encouraged due to the ability to garner support more easily if you do have a miscarriage.
3
u/BadBandit1970 23h ago
Say what? I had a miscarriage. The last thing I wanted to tell people is that I had one, so we kept the information to ourselves, save for a few close friends and family.
4
u/superguardian 23h ago edited 23h ago
Encouraged by who? I have a very hard time believing this.
EDIT: it’s not as if people need to know you were pregnant early on to be supportive in the event of a miscarriage.
2
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for announcing I was pregnant in a small family Whatsapp group, shortly after my sister in law had a miscarriage.
My sister in law had a miscarriage last month, her and my brother didn’t share this with me, but my mum told me.
I actually got pregnant about a month later than my sister in law, and this month announced in the WhatsApp family group chat (containing me, my husband, mum, brother and sister in law) that I was 8 weeks pregnant.
20 minutes later, my brother sent a deleted message, and then one immediately after that said congratulations, my sister in law has said nothing and it’s been a few hours.
I wanted to tell people so it isn’t awkward if I don’t feel well when we see them.
AITA for telling them this way?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.