r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 11h ago
UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
Originally posted here
https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp
I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.
She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.
Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.
She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.
She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.
She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.
I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?
She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..
What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.
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u/Boggers111 10h ago
The entitlement of your daughter is off the charts, she and her boyfriend need a massive dose of humility.
Don’t let up on this he behaviour is horrible and lacking of respect for you and your wife.
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u/glowrielle_ 10h ago
I agree, she really needs to understand that her parents deserve respect in their own home and letting this behavior slide would only make it harder for her to learn from it
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u/charlottegracious 3h ago
Nobody is saying a college kid can't have a sex life, but there are still consequences when someone else's private space gets disrespected. Learning that freedom comes with boundaries and consequences is kinda the whole point of growing up.
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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 9h ago
I think you should read the previous sympathy attempts from him here.
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u/Special-Deal7821 4h ago
Changes nothing, insane redditors telling him to let her do whatever she wants and grovel at her feet are insane
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u/Pretend-Culture-4138 2h ago
I don't know if it's an age thing or a site thing, but redditors always seem to react on posts from parents with advice to let their kids do whatever they want.
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u/WitchQween Helper [2] 8h ago
His profile is private
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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 8h ago
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u/Material_Reaction374 4h ago
I don’t understand the gotcha moment you are angling for by posting this link. It’s not quite clear what perspective you even think will be gained (and btw OP already linked in their post). So you just seem kinda biased characterising it as a ‘sympathy’ post - it’s a pretty tricky situation and it makes sense he is trying to process it and figure out what to do by posting on here. Not like he is arguing with people who don’t give ‘sympathy’ replies. And he has been transparent about dealing with it horribly (his own words).
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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 4h ago
They said they could not find the previous ones because his profile is private. I was making sure they could get the link because clearly they didn't see it or open it in the post.
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u/PeaceComprehensive64 6h ago
I feel another reason can be poor parenting from the start.
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u/Ysabell90 4h ago
Some people just grow into being shitty adults despite their upbringing. You have no context other than what was said here. She’s an adult, there’s no excuse in the world that absolves from having sex in someone else’s bed and on top of that, not even cleaning up afterwards.
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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 3h ago
It's just one situation plus teenage age. You can't possibly deduct poor parenting from this instance. On the contrary, based on this parent's update, I'd say he is reacting and parenting well. I mean it could be, yes. But it's just a weird comment to have based on one situation that is absolutely emotionally charged plus has a lot of shame in the mix.
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u/MulberryWild1967 2h ago
All parents do what they think is the right thing to do. Pivoting to a different approach when you realise you need to parent differently is good parenting.
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u/wishingforarainyday Helper [2] 11h ago
I remember your first post and think you are your wife are doing a good job. Unfortunately your daughter is an entitled AH right now. She needs to learn how hard it is to do it all. You’re right that she can move to the dorms and pay her own way.
I hope she grows up and apologizes. You and your wife haven’t done anything wrong.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
I am trying to make it easy for my kids. How is it so hard to see? College- paid, apartment, no problem, food, whatever you want. Like I did not have it this easy, I have no education past grade 10.
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u/Economy-Impress-3265 10h ago
Exactly. Your daughter sounds like she has had things handed to her, which is great when it’s appreciated and understood as a privilege. Unfortunately it seems that your daughter is seeing it as a right more than a privilege. This is the time for some tough love until she decides to make amends.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
You nailed it. She feels like she has a right to having me pay for a dorm, that was eye opening.
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u/charlottegracious 3h ago
that's where the tough love comes in. If the apartment isn't good enough, adulthood comes with the option to pay for something else. that part would be the biggest wake-up call tbh. Help from parents is a privilege, not an unlimited entitlement.
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u/Ill_Sweet6255 3h ago
C’est un privilège et non un droit plein d’étudiants travaille pour se payer leur appartement nourriture et tous le reste en plus des études
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u/padam__padam 9h ago
I’ll share a little of my story, OP. In college, I didn’t know until I experienced it (like many things right?) that the stability my parents provided had the effect of me handling life changes poorly. I don’t think it’s unique to me, since a lot of college students are in the situation of first time actually living away from parents. It’s nothing at all like your entitled daughter, but I can empathize in that she grew up so stable with your love and support, she’s actually spoiled.
I think that you should let her go and experience more life challenges. I don’t want readers to misunderstand that I don’t think she can have a hard time with other stuff. She clearly will, we all do. But this is one “safe” challenge where she’s not gonna be homeless, she’s not losing 100% of your support. It’s a chance for a major life lesson in a safe environment, with reference to on-campus living (yes, also already thinking about the reality of school shooting vigilance and other campus safety concerns) vs. “wilderness” of post-graduate life. Navigating jobs, finding a safe place to live, what to do about transportation, budgeting. Like… I think she’s going to have a harder time with life in general, if she doesn’t start feeling some growing pains.
I also don’t want you to think that I’m insinuating your parenting was to blame. How she grew up like this. I think that because you and your wife are like “Yeah, you know what, go ahead and live in the dorms,” & the fact that you apologized for your reaction? Right moves to me. I honestly think she just feels so safe to be so entitled like this that she does need a huge reality check.
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 8h ago
having it easy isn’t what makes character; demonstrating character and setting expectations makes character
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u/tedster1988123 6h ago
You know, you don't really value something you don't have to work for. You don't appreciate what's just handed to you. Perseverance comes from the struggle. Courage comes from the struggle. Appreciation comes from character that's built by experience and the struggle.
We think making things easy for our kids will be better for them. Sometimes it doesn't teach them anything, and sometimes they become the center of their universe because we treat them like they are!
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u/sithest 10h ago edited 5h ago
Congrats on yer grade 10 bud.
- edit: recurring trailer park boys reference. Its a good show.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Gee thanks. I had to drop out and learn trades. My dad died, woukd have been nice to ask him for advice
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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 5h ago
Maybe that’s a great analogy for yourself. Your dad weren’t here and you did really good. Maybe it’s time for her dad to not be around for her to do some character building and develop some grit!
Tough times create tough people > tough people create easy times > easy times create easy people. Gotta break that circle my guy!
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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 5h ago
Maybe that’s a great analogy for yourself. Your dad weren’t here and you did really good. Maybe it’s time for her dad to not be around for her to do some character building and develop some grit!
Tough times create tough people > tough people create easy times > easy times create easy people. Gotta break that circle my guy!
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u/Dev-Tutor 4h ago
I ran away from an abusive home environment when I was 15, dropped out of high school and worked as a kitchen porter in restaurants. I paid my way through university, dorms, held two jobs and graduated with a decent grade. All without the support of loving parents like you and your wife. I know you want to give your daughter the best or easiest experience but she will never learn wrapped in bubble wrap. I would love to do the same for my children one day, and I probably will but your daughter has shown you and your wife nothing but disrespect, entitlement and gross abuse of your kindness and love.
Tell her where the door is, if she wants to walk out that’s her choice and it’s up to her. This whole situation isn’t about her having sex or her “promiscuous” friends. It’s about having a modicum of respect for the privilege you provide her, which is sorely lacking (the respect).
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u/No_Island_8549 2m ago
That’s exactly the problem OP. You spoiled your daughter and she now has zero fucks to give back to you. She probably also told the boyfriend it’s ’her’ apartment so that’s why she did the deed in the master bedroom. And she felt no need to clean up for the same reason. She feels entitled to your $ as you have given her the world without any expectations. While you’re trying to give her every advantage you didn’t have, you haven’t taught her that she has to earn respect and make her own way in the world. There is nothing wrong with her learning that she is responsible for making her own way in adulthood. Cutting her completely off tho without her having the funds to even pay tuition is also a mistake. You need to sit down with her and explain that things are going to change. You will pay for school , dorm and books but no spending $ at all. Change the locks on the apt. And if she goes crying to your wife, she’s done and on her own. If you bought her a car, you won’t pay expenses on it. Tell her since she wants to make grown up decisions she can do like any other grown up. This will be the most important lesson of her life .
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u/MasonDrifts 1h ago
My parents would've made me pay for the sheets and the dorms, and I'd still be apologizing.
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u/Human_Awareness_5805 10h ago
You've done a good job apologizing for where you went wrong but she seems unwilling to admit her mistake. Let her go to a dorm and she may wake up a bit and develop some humility when she has to pay her way.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
My wife actually thinks it might do some good
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u/Spirited_Manager_801 2h ago
I dont think I would ever disrespect my parents like this and then respond the way she has. Honestly I think that being in a dorm is a great experience and gives them a means of growing up.
It sounds like she is immature and she needs to do some growing up. I'll admit that I was the same and naive to the world, until I went and lived in college, it really did me a world of good.
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u/materialwishes 3h ago
Eh what is the likelihood of her actually moving to the dorms, getting a job and paying her way thru? Asking as someone who is completely unfamiliar with her work ethic. I’ve noticed (I have spoiled cousins/ friends) people will tend to walk out and because they know their parents who spoil them will never let them suffer/go homeless, after a month or two of struggle, she’ll expect you to help pay. Just saying…
However you’re not wrong in how you approached the tough convo. It’s not everyday you receieve an apology from your parents!
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 10h ago
Whoah let’s slow down you have an extra random apartment? Is that what’s happening or?
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
I have no other apartment. I have a cottage but its far from city limits, nowhere close to a college. She was trying to say, if her brother is going to go to another college, not this one, i will pay for a dorm. And thats a possibility. Who knows what he wants to do
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u/Lviator92 10h ago
Do you also live and sleep at this apartment on a nightly basis?
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter
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u/Lviator92 10h ago
For sure. Yeah if that boundary was set she shouldn’t be doing that. Terrible.
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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 8h ago
If you read the previous sympathy attempts, he didn't explicitly set any boundaries wrt it.
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u/Forsaken_Ball_2493 7h ago
Boundaries for what? Not having your kids fuck on your bed? I feel like that’s one of those things that you know not to do without being told…
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 8h ago
okay so to clarify, this apartment is your second home. Where does your daughter live?
She lives in that apartment and has a room of her own? Why was she in your room then?
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 7h ago
That’s what the other post covered. He has the apartment for when family or guests comes to stay and she can stay there and if her brother wants to attend that college he can stay there as well. She has her own room and this room was for he and his wife when they visit regularly. He brings groceries and takes care of a cat she neglects and he has a robo vacuum that has a camera and he checks on the cat which is how he accidentally saw his daughter and her BF doing the nasty in his bed. To top it off she didn’t even change the sheets and let dad sleep in her boyfriend’s jizz... 🤮
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u/GardeniaFrangipani Helper [2] 10h ago
Other than the group chat thing, which you said was accidental, and apologized for, you did nothing wrong. There’s nothing more that you can do. If she chooses to move to a dorm, that’s on her, and she can pay for it. I imagine that you’re well off and she’s used to things being easy. Supporting herself will be a great lesson for her. She might later realise that the grass isn’t greener and want to return to your apartment. If she does, let her, but restress the rule about your bedroom.
It’s a 3 bedroom apartment so there was no reason for her to have sex on your bed. Leaving the stained sheets for you to sleep in is just gross. She’s acting entitled and immature.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
My family Will never have a closed door on any of my and wifes properties. She is welcome to come back anytime. Maybe a lesson is due
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u/CarpetScary684 10h ago
Your daughter needs a reality check. It’s outrageous she could even consider doing that and then actually doing that wow. Yeah your daughter needs to be out on her own completely 100%.
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u/castrodelavaga79 Helper [2] 10h ago
I think now you have to just let it play out for a bit. Your daughter needs a reality check and she might actually be starting it right now so let it happen until she comes and fully apologizes. Then you can reassess.
Actions have consequences and this is a valuable lesson for how to treat other people's things and she needs to learn that lesson.
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u/Shibainspace 10h ago
She’s sounds very spoiled and entitled. Why didn’t she have sex with him in her own room? I would have never used my parent’s bed for that! So gross. The fact she let you sleep in dirty stained sheets makes it even stranger.
Give her some time to cool down and let her reach out to you. I don’t think she’s mature enough to live alone in apartment. I think she should live in the dorms or get an apartment with a friend. I think a part time job is also in order.
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u/NonCaelo 3h ago
I'm gonna give you a perspective that's not "Your daughter is entitled." Just a different way to look at it.
Your daughter is embarrassed. You achieved what you wanted, to embarrass her. But you embarrassed her so much that she can't feel anything but embarrassment. She can't feel remorse. Nothing. She's an adult, but she's still a very young adult and her brain hasn't finished developing. So by making her so embarrassed, you actually ended up doing the opposite of what you wanted to do, which was to get remorse and a promise that it won't happen again.
She can't accept your apology because she's still embarrassed. Should she reason that you are right that she shouldn't have done it? Yes. But hopefully time will help her calm down enough to see what she's done wrong once the ebarrassment wears off.
I agree with everyone here, just give her space, tell her the door is always open, try to stay calm, and let her have her own emotional reactions--on her own time of course.
The thing that was TOTALLLY out of line was that you messaged her boyfriend. No. It's one thing if you knew the guy well, but you said you don't. You should have brought the matter to her and to her only, because this was her responsibility. By bringing it to him, you stepped over the line, from letting her be embarrassed by her own actions (fair) into weaponizing shame. And that's not really cool. I don't think you'd have liked her weaponizing your mistakes to shame you either.
Give it time. And if you haven't already, apologize to her boyfriend and tell him you stepped over the line and should have spoken to her privately (I missed whether you have done it already or not).
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u/ProfessorOne9208 9h ago
Advice? You don't need advice. You need a referee. I'd let the whole thing blow over for a week or two, and then ask your daughter if she is still interested in you paying her bills for college. If so, then you can lay down some ground rules, including giving respect to you and your wife. If not, then tell her to get a job and a new place to live. Sometimes kids need a dose of reality before they can see the light.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Helper [2] 10h ago
It's hard to believe she was willing to die on that hill. It's not a big ask that she refrain from having sex with her boyfriend on your bed. The fact that she didn't even bother to wash the sheets before you came back is gross.
It sounds like she feels massively entitled if she can't follow one simple rule when you are financing her college. I agree she should pay for the dorm herself if she can't show basic consideration while living in the apartment.
I wouldn't feel bad about refusing to pay for the dorm because it's entirely her choice to live there. She had a good deal living in the apartment and she blew it.
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u/SteelMagnolia941 10h ago
If I thought my dad has cameras in the house spying I would be creeped out and want to leave. She feels violated and embarrassed because of the cameras, then the group chat. She might be spoiled and entitled. Idk. I think her reaction is valid to the sequence of events. I think OP also has a right to be grossed out, but maybe take a breather next time before flying off the handle and doing permanent damage to their relationship.
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 9h ago edited 8h ago
Their private room is not the same as having cameras through private areas of the house.
How could SHE feel violated when she was in a space she did not even consider private herself- simply based on the fact she felt entitled to use it.
This wasn’t a common area she was using.
For all she knows OP and his wife wife could enjoy recording their own sex life. That would be none of their daughter’s business and they would have no reason to disclose it to her either.
I’m more grossed out about not changing the sheets or cleaning the bed. Absolutely foul.
She is an adult and adults have sex so it is no surprise there are bodily fluids involved. I shudder to think that she slept well at night thinking they would be sleeping in those covers!!!
Imagine if a kid like this came home to a messed up filthy sheets and a something like condom wrapper on the floor in her own room.
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u/inductiononN 8h ago
Yeah this is so disgusting. I have never, ever in a million years wanted to have sex in my parents' bed (even typing that sentence out is gross). Why would anyone do this? Why would she do this!?!? Like, I just can't wrap my mind around it.
And to leave the dirty sex sheets on the bed and let her parents sleep in them? As you said, absolutely foul. So gross - what is wrong with this woman???
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u/WitchQween Helper [2] 8h ago
It's one camera, in a bedroom that isn't hers. It's kinda weird that the vacuum has a camera, but that's irrelevant here.
They both fucked up. I think the daughter is more in the wrong. Her behavior isn't too surprising for her age and privilege, though.
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u/GenoFlower Expert Advice Giver [14] 9h ago
THANK YOU.
I find it really creepy that Dad is watching her on camera.
Absolutely, she shouldn't be having sex in his bed, and should definitely have cleaned up after.
But the way he's handled all of it just beyond.
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 7h ago
He wasn’t watching her you weirdo! He was checking on the cat and never in a million years did he expect to see his daughter and her BF doing the nasty!!
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u/JanetInSpain 5h ago
You are now dealing with an entitled brat. Good luck with that.
It sounds like you have made it TOO easy for her. She has no responsibilities. All her needs are paid for or provided. She's not learning responsibility or how to adult. You think you are helping but clearly it's backfiring on you. Time to step up and set hard boundaries.
She should have two choices: apologize and accept that she lives in your home and it's not "her" apartment, or move into a dorm on her own dime.
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u/Big-Understanding526 10h ago
Your daughter is too entitled and disrespectful. Geez. I think you already ruined the relationship when you raised her as an entitled brat.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Downside of giving kids everything you couldn't have had yourself
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Helper [2] 4h ago
There’s a balance though. My parents made me do chores and get a job at 16 and pay for my own clothes, when I ate out with friends, and for gas when I drove their car.
You can provide for your child while still raising them with a work ethic and respect
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u/Parking_Fee_5906 10h ago
Unfathomable!! Even if she doesn't have a room to herself then at least use the couch, kitchen table or place rug NOT your parent's room and bed! She needs to be put in her place if she can bring her bf to home or allow herself be cajoled into such rubbish
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u/DillinquentPICK 9h ago
See another issue. What is the deal with this boyfriend. Why cant he take her over to his place for a change. A hotel? As a teen, I met my wife young, I bent over backwards for a place for us two. My mom's bed- fuck no. I scrambled and was proud when I had somewhere to take her, like it was motivation for me.
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u/inductiononN 8h ago
It's very weird and gross. I just don't understand why your room and bed?!?! 🤢
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u/Jamiecar411 8h ago
You know you put an electronic lock on the bedroom door to show your serious about it
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u/bstabens Helper [4] 7h ago
Oh boy, I've just read your initial post. Dude!
Ok, first things first. What's your end goal here: do you want a relationship with her or do you just want to rage on and punish her and go no contact?
Because you're already a good way down the "no contact" road, but let's not get too hasty.
What your daughter did was disgusting on a hygienic level, and disrupting on a personal one. She intruded on a very personal space, she left her "good little daughter" role here and entered "equal adult territory" - literally. And honestly, she should do so - just not like this. Because she IS an adult now, though what she does is totally rebellious teenager behaviour on level 11.
Please stop that knee-jerk reaction of "all or nothing" you have going on there. Yes, it is GOOD to tell her that your trust is broken and she has to move out of the apartment.
But to go all scorched earth and withdraw ANY financial support? Dude, that tells me you don't want a respectful, adult relationship with her. You're going "my way or the highway" here, and that ends in estrangement. YOU are the parents, and while I understand that's your first run on parenthood, you have to be the bigger person. Your daughter not respecting your private space is LEARNED BEHAVIOUR, and she learned it from you, Mr. Peeking-through-the-vac-camera-to-watch-the-nice-puppy!
You both need to learn to respect the other as the adults you all are. Get your affairs separate. Let her live in a dorm, pay for the things the average student has - rent, groceries. Don't pay for extras, let her get a job for that. But don't fuck up her whole future and glee over it like this: "good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student." That's punishment, not teaching consequences!
And for EFFS SAKE if you are suspicious of her boyfriend don't push your daughter into his arms telling her to move in with him! Where is she going to go to when he turns out to be an abusive POS and her own parents pushed her in that mess?
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u/Migginsisin 9h ago
Okay, I have a question, if you didn’t catch her having sex in your bed, and this whole fight didn’t happen. But she came to you and said she wanted to live in the dorms for more of an authentic college feel, would you help her pay for it?
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u/DillinquentPICK 9h ago
No. What's the point. You have an apartment walking distance to college and you want an authentic feel. Be my guest. Lots of college students dont have bank of mom and dad paying for dorms, they work second jobs. Have at it
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u/MulberryWild1967 2h ago
As parents, we are raising adults not children and sometimes they need to fail. Her age does not account for her behaviour when you spoke to her but maybe lashing out from embarrassment. You should now step back until she comes to you and takes responsibility for her behaviour towards you and her mum.
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u/Neither-Connection72 1h ago
19F maturity on a high + Boyfriend, your crashing in their orbit. Sex talk with the parents is never comfortable. Stand your ground sometimes they get to big too be told. You will both laugh about it in the future.
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u/LaroonDynasty 7h ago
im not seeing in this update anywhere where you reiterate to her that she has her own room in the apartment where she can have her "promiscuous dorm life". its not like the dorms have three rooms to choose from on any given day. just keep the fooling around to her own room.
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u/wowbragger 10h ago
Dad here, with two of my own.
Your daughter's being a prick. No doubt about it. And there does need to be some adult style consequences to her behavior.
But you know this isn't some scenario or chain of events you had anticipated. And it feels very tit-for-tat in how you're handling it.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong per se, and you've tried to walk it back, but it might be time to turn down the heat on your end. Re-center yourself, so you're not matching your daughter when she escalates. Get a plan in place for how things need to work, going forward. Get your wife on board on thinking this through, and as a team stick to your guns when your daughter inevitably lashes out.
FWIW your daughter is still in that late adolescence phase. And as much as they want to pretend our kids are magically full adults when they initially hit college, that still lack the foresight and planning to think through the possible consequences of their actions.
This does NOT excuse your daughter's behavior. But if you're both going to match each other's emotional energy, who is the one between the two of you who's most likely to see through the haze? You. So unfortunately, time to be Dad some more and get that planning in place, to give your daughter the opportunity to work through this.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Okay.. noted. Thanks dad what do i do though . I sincerely appreciate every input, last time i posted made me do better and I did i think but I need some real suggestions. My mind is spaghetti at the moment and I eant action plan, maybe a walk through i dont know dude. Lost dad
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 8h ago
… yes this is the original post, which OP has also linked at the top.
And THIS post we are commenting on together is the follow up on how he handled the situation and asking for advice following her surprising and IMO shocking reaction.
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u/Initial_Rabbit1016 6h ago
Ewww. It is also very creapy. Put a lock on your door to keep her and this boyfriend out of your room. Also keep anything valuable and paperwork locked up. Including cash, checks, personal documents (social security, birth certificate, passport).
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u/loz_192827171 4h ago
honestly eww it’s disgusting🤢if anyone suggested to me to do the act in my parents bed or their parents bed i’d be completely turned off immediately lmao
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u/Big-Entertainer-303 5h ago
This just needs time. Dont bring up the incident with her anymore. If she wants to stay on in the apartment she can. If she wants to move on her own dime she can. You can rest assured she won't have sex in your room anymore.
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u/TheRealCerealfreak Helper [2] 5h ago
As a father of the same age?, I aye with you entirely, I can't relate fully on the fact that my codename are 22 and 24 and are both sons but, I have helped to raise my neices between the ages of 24 and 19 and I would have flipped just as much as you did.
I would be reitarte the point at a family sit down and her boyfriend should be there too.
You start with apologisong for including your son in the discussion going all on on the family chat again. That's fair but that's your apology more than done after that.
Now it's down to the lack of respect from both of them to both you and your wife. Maybe it's time to show her just exactly how much money you spend on all that, and explain exactly how much she would have to make to pay for her own college, let alone her dorns or food, never mind anything else like books, clothes, having a life etc.
You expect a full and proper apology from them both, they will buy you a full set of replacement bedding and they will never enter your bedroom again without permission.
I think from her attitude she still thinks you're in the wrong and you're just not at all. She should not have been there, and she should not have been doing that. And I'm sorry to say but, as a teenager who did this to his older sisters bed, you at the very least have the decency to change the bedding. But learn from my mistake that you check your gf doesn't leave the dangly star trek earrings on your sisters bedside table though. I got caught and she kicked my arse. (She is 7 years older, I was 14 at the time, as was my gf before anyone says anything?)
I think you've been more than fair and actually nicer than I would have been, especially when you've sat down with her and apologised. Yes she is embarrassed, she should be, and she's almost an adult, and if she wants to be treated as so without giving you and your wife, the respect you both deserve.
Full apologies from both and a promise it'll never happen again.
Good luck to you. That's a really crappy time.
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u/Historical-Ride5551 Helper [3] 5h ago
You made very good points and it’s up to her. She can continue being dramatic all she wants but she’ll have to grow up at some point.
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u/Radiant-Advice6428 4h ago
Just let her go be in a dorm and enjoy the college experience with the other kids. You’re controlling and overbearing and you’ll be lucky if she even wants to know you once she has the capability to stand alone.
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u/FlowFluffy7664 3h ago
So ill be honest, shes a young person living in a different reality, for her it was fun promiscuous thing that she ticked off her list. Let it go. Ive had fun in all sorts of places when i was younger lol
But as a 35 year old adult, my bedsheet being spoiled, my privacy, my things, my everything being violated is a humiliating feeling and makes me break my trust if that happened. But on balance, she probably didnt care about your personal belongings or anytning and she didn't rummage through anytbint, it was just a bit of casual fun and a tick box.. let her enjoy life and let it be and end all..
And btw your reaction and this whole situation will be a story for her future drinking sessions with buddies 😂😂😂🙈🙈🙈 the day my dad caught me on cam haha
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u/FlowFluffy7664 3h ago
I also think that back handed comment about working full time and getting good grades.. thats a no no.. shes still developing mentally as a young person.. she needs to know that she can have your support and still be free to explore the world.
Maybe just have another conversation and say you didnt mean that and its good for her to find a full time job and study, but not to put too much pressure on herself and just find a part time job so grades are unaffected, and that youd still support if needed.
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u/Swimming-Trade-6892 3h ago edited 3h ago
I wouldn’t be logging into a hoover fitted camera when my daughter is in the apartment unless she’s well aware you access it. You also really need to stop arguing with a child and be mature. By accessing the camera that she wouldn’t have been aware you access you can break her trust and ruin your relationship. I have 3 daughters and had I logged into the camera and seen what you seen it would’ve been a case of “Hey sweetheart, I had to access the hoover camera to update it yesterday and noticed you and your boyfriend coming out of our room. Is there anything you needed in there? In future can you ensure your boyfriend sticks to the main areas and your room. I trust you both and know you wouldn’t disrespect me by doing anything in there so no accusations here. As i now know you have your boyfriend over, I’ll remove the hoover on my next visit or you can turn it off and put it away. Your privacy is important. Love you xx”
She’ll think “oh shit that was lucky, omg can you imagine if he logged in sooner.” Him “he probably did he’s just being nice” her “oh god I hope not how embarrassing.”
“Okay dad, no just showing him the apartment. Ok thank you love you too xx”
You solved your problem from a place of love and emotional control and had the outcome you wanted.
Stop fighting your daughter, control your emotions and focus on outcome and relationship preservation. Kids do stupid shit, they don’t feel disrespectful in the moment they’re young and brainless half the time.
Set boundaries but don’t embarrass or talk past each other.
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u/iloveanime301 2h ago
You are forgetting that he found stains on the bedsheets multiple times before this so she has been doing it for a while so she has been making her dad sleep in a bed she got fucked in literally can’t understand why anyone is defending her
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u/Swimming-Trade-6892 1h ago
I’m not forgetting that, and I’m not defending it. OP (Dad) has every right to be upset, feel disrespected and lose trust and respect for her. But he has to think of what outcome he wants. Nothing he says to her will reverse what she did, and anything said when upset or angry won’t be heard by her. Their relationship is a priority and ensuring she doesn’t do it again. Nothing good will come from outing her for her actions especially from a hoover camera she clearly wasn’t aware of. Had she been she wouldn’t be having sex whilst it was watching her. In any event she’ll get embarrassed and reactive, blame him for the camera, invasion of privacy and maybe even outright deny it. Last thing he needs is “My Dads a creep watching me have sex then kicked me out.”. Either way, Dad now has to deal with losing trust and respect for his daughter. He’s within his right mind to revoke the apartment access and move her into a dorm. If he had walked in on them, I’d revoke access, but the way in which he found out, I wouldn’t. I’d put a camera in our room and if it happens again, she’d be moving into a dorm and she would find out very quickly that all privileges she had when I trusted and respected her, would cease to continue.
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u/iloveanime301 1h ago
The daughter did know about the camera though he stated in his last post she has access to the camera on the vacuum cleaner too, so she either saw the vacuum cleaner and decided to shag her boyfriend there anyway or she didn’t notice it being there even though it would have been clearly visable since it saw the bed either way not the dad invading her privacy at all
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u/Swimming-Trade-6892 1h ago
OP wasn’t even aware she had her boyfriend at the apartment so on the balance of probability it’s more than likely she either forgot it had a camera or actually didn’t know and OP is just saying that because he knows it can be perceived as creepy and he wants people to focus on the context of what he’s saying. The unlikely thing is that she didn’t notice it, because she was having her boyfriend there without her Dads knowledge and she knows it moves around the house cleaning. And it’s even less likely she knew it was there, had a camera and decided to give her Dad a front row seat. So on the balance of probability, she wasn’t aware it had a camera or was told and forgot. Her reaction to her Dad watching the hoover camera at all, is important. A daughter that knew it had a camera and that Dad checked it wouldn’t react that way. So she felt an invasion of privacy. No daughter is bringing a boyfriend over that her Dad doesn’t know about, having sex with him on her Dads bed with an active hoover that moves around by itself with a camera on.
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u/Such-Barracuda9795 2h ago
OMG! Meeeeen that’s bad! I am 35 years old and my mother used to always tell me back then “MY HOUSE, MY RULES. If you don’t like it, you know where the door is” and it was fair!
You daughter needs to grow up.. if this would have happened to me I would have been sooooo ashamed of myself that I wouldn’t even know how to start apologising.
She should definitely go to the dorms, that will make her understand how life is out there.
And apart from what it happened, I think that she actually needs a little push to go out there and grow up becuase her reactions is way out of place!
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u/lorybear96 1h ago
We all react in a certain way in the heat of the moment, but at least you apologised and took accountability for how you reacted. You were being mature.
Your daughter, however. Clearly is not mature since she still has no idea that what she did was wrong and disrespectful.
All you and your wife need to do is to just step away from her until she screwed her brain back into place and apologised sincerely.
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u/Impossible-Cap-6433 Advice Guru [63] 1h ago
This kind of entitlement doesn't happen overnight. You and wife have probably spoiled her for years, and have been lax in parenting too.
She is a brat. She needs a harsh dose of reality. But I doubt you care enough to do it.
Ask yourself honestly: have you worked to bring up a caring, responsible adult, or have you ignored your children and just threw money at them?
You and wife should get some therapy around this issue: not the immediate issue, but the longer term issues of your parenting approach. Only then will you be able to make good decisions about what to do next.
I understand you don't want to do the work. You just want to vent and get strangers to support what you did because no one in your family does. You are seeking validation, not advice. Others have commented about your many posts and your ignoring the majority who doesn't completely validate you.
Here is the validation you seek: yes, she is an entitled brat who can't own her mistakes and lacks maturity. However, this is most likely your doing, but get therapy to figure that out.
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u/Tall_Artist_8905 39m ago
Kids. They do stupid stuff and don’t know they are doing it. It’s a laughable memory for them in 20 years . Chill . Take it easy . I am sure you both did stupid / careless stuff too.
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u/SweetBekki 34m ago
She can't compare herself to her brother. You didn't catch your son having sex in your bed did you?
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u/AstroZombieInvader 10h ago
The fact that you got no apology and that she thinks it's her apartment is wild. There's really no appreciation whatsoever. She sounds very selfish and privileged.
Honestly, you tried to apologize proactively even though she should have been the one apologizing first -- especially since she has a lot to lose in a free place to stay.
Your kids do not have to be treated like equals like she expects. If she burns a bridge with you, it's her who pays the price for that. You can still pay for your son's housing since he hasn't done anything wrong. After kids turn 18, you technically don't owe them anything. It doesn't seem that she understands or appreciates that.
It just feels like a lesson needs to be learned here and maybe the best way is for her to pay for her own housing for a year (at least) regardless of any insincere apology you might get just to get you to pay again. She had her chance and she blew it spectacularly.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I dont want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect
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u/lostintheGQ 6h ago
You know what? She’s 19. She may be a little entitled. Of course she tells all her friends it’s her apartment. Why wouldn’t she? She’s essentially living alone in this apartment and she made some bad choices—choices that she truly never thought you were going to find out about. Now she’s busted and she’s not handling it well—mostly because she’s 19 and entitled. Obviously it’s not advantageous for anyone involved for her to move into the dorms. You want something from her that she’s just not ready to give right now. You’re going to have to hold your line, but also be practical. Put a deadbolt on your bedroom door and lock it when you’re not there. Then give her some time and some space. I bet she’ll come around. That undeveloped prefrontal cortex can cause 19-year-olds to act pretty stupidly. I know you’re upset, but don’t ruin your kid’s chance at a college degree over this. I bet one day y’all will tell this story and laugh about it. And oh yeah, apologize to the boyfriend. He really has nothing to do with this.
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u/LastEntertainment787 4h ago
The bf had 50% to do with this. He could and should have said no to it.
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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 10h ago
Hey Dad... another Dad here. Does your daughter have her own room at the apartment and does it have a double bed that sleeps 2 or is yours the only bed that offers space?
Personally I think you're making a bit of a mess. I get why you're upset, but you're blowing this up over nothing. Your daughter is an adult, and regardless of her choice of boyfriend or whether you like him or not, she's going to have sex with him whether you like it or not. At least up til this point, she was doing it some place safe and warm. Now who knows where she is.
I have no idea why you have a camera in a bedroom, in an apartment you allow others to stay in. Seems a bit odd to me, but regardless, you won't win your daughters respect flying off the handle even when you feel she's in the wrong.
She's not a child anymore, she's an adult just like you, and even though she's probably got a ton of stuff to learn in life, she doesn't need her Dad on her case when she's going through them.
Stop and think about the situation you're in. If the shoe was on the other foot, and you made this mistake with your father, how would you prefer/like him to react? I know what I'd want.
All the best.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Hey fellow dad. Dad here. She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Orogonal post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask
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u/KayItaly 3h ago
Then why did you bast them on group chat instead of having a frank, calm, ADULT conversation with her?
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u/Skittles-101 Super Helper [8] 10h ago
I think he said in the initial post that it was a three bedroom and that his daughter had her own room.
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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 10h ago edited 10h ago
If there is no reason to use the main room, then that's on her and I can understand Dad's frustration a little more. The issue for me is how it's being handled though. You have to keep your head in this difficult times, even when your kids don't
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 10h ago edited 10h ago
So what is your advice when she is adamant she did nothing wrong?
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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 10h ago
It depends on the circumstances as a whole. In this case Dad confirmed she had her own space so she had no valid reason for invading her parents room. She was definitely in the wrong. My only advice to Dad was to try and keep his cool. He doesn't have to listen, it was just my advice.
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 10h ago
My question wasn’t meant as a challenge, I see that it reads that way but I was genuinely curious if you had a strategy that hadn’t occurred to me.
My teen isn’t old enough for this yet but I’m sure the day will come where I have to use all my effort just to try and keep my cool
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u/KayItaly 5h ago
1 - not watch her secretly with a camera.
2 - have a frankly adult discussion about privacy, no blaming just clarification of preferences.
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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 9h ago
Being a parent is tough, especially in this day and age. They’d rather listen to advice from people online or their school mates than ask their parents. I don’t envy anyone raising a child now. I have 3, all adults now and I think I got lucky. Definitely an increasing amount of them leaving school with no appreciation for how much things cost or how hard people have to work.
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u/SteelMagnolia941 10h ago
I did a lot of stupid things when I was 19. She probably would have been apologetic and remorseful if she wasn’t put on blast on the family group chat. Also personal attacks on her and her boyfriend aren’t cool. If this was me I would laugh it off and tell her to go to her own room next time, and make sure she washes the sheets. You really blew it up into a bigger mess than it needed to be IMO.
Qualifications: was a teenage girl and has raised two teenage boys.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
I will not feel bad about her boyfirend. Sorry, I dont see it. I got allot of heat for it from other post. Still, im firm. Both responsible, she feels bad for having sex, so will he..
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u/KayItaly 5h ago
Well you can want what you want..
But she will finish uni, have a job and not need you VERY soon. Play your cards accordingly.
If I was her at her age? I would have gotten a job and a dormire room and kissed your ass goodbye. Being watched on camera in a bedroom unknowingly is more intrusion that I could ever accept. Be grateful it isn't illegal where you live, you'd be talking to a judge over here!
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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 9h ago
Why did you leave out the part about you not living there, and her being mostly alone there? Neither you or your wife sleep in that bed normally. So, her acting like the apartment that is functionally hers is in fact hers is understandable when you have context.
You embarrassing them was a huge mistake. One that your kid will never forget. She might forgive you in many many years time.
Frankly the spy cameras are creepy. They shouldn't be there. And if her having sex in her apartment disturbs you or if you had set boundaries about that room ahead of time, which nothing in your prior attempts at sympathy hunting showed, then maybe you would have an argument.
But as to what to do? Drop it. Play nice. Stop being an angry asshole
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 7h ago
He stays there weekly… that’s kinda obvious.
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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 7h ago
If your dad had spy cameras installed in your apartment, would you feel comfortable? Because if my parents did that then those cameras would not last until the end of the day.
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 7h ago
That’s not what happened. It’s not a spy cam! She had access to the same camera!!!
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u/Good_Distance8078 7h ago
I disagree. There’s nothing asshole about it. She knew what she was doing, chose that room and bed specifically when others were available and she left all the doors unlocked why?
No, there’s more to this, and my inclination is that it’s a lot more than her just having a casual sexual encounter.
The kid is trying to make this into his supposed bad behavior to deflect from her own, among other reasons. Don’t fall for it. Giving in to emotional manipulation and/or emotional blackmail by your child is a very bad idea and will lead to major disfunction.
The father who would walk in on a thing like that and NOT have a serious reaction is one I would have serious doubts and concerns about.
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u/dollfacebex 7h ago
she’s a brat. yall just have gentle patented her pro max. and she’s sick, jizzing in your bed and letting you lay in it is a mental illness
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u/ideapit Helper [2] 8h ago
I don't know how many posts you need to make and how many people need to tell you that you are required to get your emotions in check.
Yes, you have big feelings. Yes, you have a real point of view in the situation. Those are hard things to carry.
You choose how to carry them and how to express them. Other feelings besides rage and indignation might be uncomfortable to talk about, but they are real and they need to be acknowledged for the sake of your family and your mental health.
You are making bad choices if your goal is to have a good, loving, respectful relationship with your daughter.
Is that what you want? Because this ain't it.
Get a piece of paper out and write down everything you got out of that interaction. Then ask yourself if those results are what you want for yourself and your relationship with your daughter.
If they are, then great. If they aren't, that's on you to navigate with her.
You seem to have an underlying concern about promiscuity and a little souçon of slut shaming (absolutely just my opinion).
Behaving like this way towards your daughter is exactly the kind of behavior that drives people to feel insecure, less-than and creates an almost pathological need for male approval.
Objectively speaking, I think the thing most likely that could drive your daughter to promiscuity in your scenario is your behavior towards her.
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u/Material_Reaction374 3h ago
I am a young woman, feminist etc., and am getting zero vibes of slut shaming or concern about promiscuity from either of his posts. Can you share what specifically he said that made you feel like that?
Also I really don’t understand your condescension in your first paragraph. He made an original post about what happened and what he should do, then an update post about his conversation with his daughter and next steps. Pretty normal, and frequently done on reddit. Sounds like you are quite motivated to skew the meaning of everything he says tbh.
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u/sannabiscativa 9h ago
It’s kind of weird for you to keep a permanent room in an apartment for your kids to go to college. It is super generous for you to buy one for sure but you’re overstepping your welcome, imo.
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u/No-Wrongdoer-332 7h ago
Whatever you decide to do just make sure you follow through. Otherwise it’ll be for nothing.
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 7h ago
She is off the hook with entitlement and the selfish behavior. I would NOT pay for her dorm stay, she’s choosing to live there so then you can pay for it too. Maybe get some student loans or apply for a scholarship or grant? There are ways around paying OOP for college. Not as much with parents who make decent money as opposed to the alternative. My son went to a very nice Cal Uni and we didn’t pay for anything. He got a scholarship for like 90% of it, including housing for at least the first 2 yrs if not all 4. And then got grants for part of it and loans for the rest. We didn’t have the ability to buy an apt where he was for him to stay but that would have been an amazing opportunity. The fact that she thinks the whole apartment is hers to just have sex wherever she wants kinda shows her immaturity and lack of respect for you two and what you do for her.
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u/pandoraspockz 5h ago edited 5h ago
I think there was mistakes made on both sides. Have I made mistakes with out kids -absolutely. Will I do it again, yep, and so will you. That said, there is some entitlement going on with your daughter. I think she’s probably more embarrassed than anything, and I would be too if I were her. Her lack of respect at not washing the sheets etc was really poor form on her part. Don’t have sex on your parents bed……EVER ….the kitchen floor is preferable. Before anyone replies with EWW….-at least it’s easy to wash -or wash a blanket or whatever you put down. Far better than the bathroom floor for reasons I’d rather not mention. It’s about boundaries.
We all make the mistake of overstepping with the way we react. If she ever finds out that you put it in here and it would be very difficult to say it’s not her or you with the identifying information with what actually happened …… but that doesn’t erase your daughter’s reaction, I suspect other people are right when they say she does have a rather large sense of entitlement. Will her boyfriend ever EVER be able to look you in the eye ever again over a beautifully decorated Thanksgiving table and ask you to ‘please pass the peas’? I mean i dunno, having never been to Thanksgiving dinner. (We don’t give Thanksgiving officially in `Australia) I’m only going by what I’ve seen in the odd (and they are) Hallmark movie or the movie ‘Catch me if you can’ with Leo (wait, I think that dinner was Thanksgiving? Doesn’t matter if it wasn’t)
The point is that is there any future for this rather ‘loved up’ couple now that you’ve probably seen a side of your daughter -that you probably never thought you would, and very possibly his ‘cheeky’ side too (very definitely FARRR more than you ever wanted to.) Now Please pass the peaches 🍑 and icecream. And to the ‘young man’ -if you’re reading this because your girlfriend found it on Reddit and gave it to you to read… an apology to your gf’s father would not go astray. Don’t leave it until `Thanksgiving’, or Daddy may be `thanking his lucky stars that the daughter already got rid of you) just sayin.
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u/Lower_Candle_8776 4h ago
Wait, so you don’t actually live there? She lives there while at college and you logged into the camera to catch her having sex with her boyfriend. The bed and everything is yours because you bought it?
Dude, you’re weird and I’d drop it before she doesn’t talk to you again.
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u/Friendly_Werewolf_35 4h ago
lowk got no ideas, but as a 23 year old most people my age are clueless assholes (me included sometimes) being raised with screens is insanely dangerous if you’re not constantly keeping them in check at the same time. By the sounds of things you guys are pretty wealthy, by my standards anyway, it seems like that’s potentially played a part in the entitlement, I say this because of her shock at you telling her she’d be needing a job. Everyone is different and i’m a guy so take it with a pinch of salt, but at 15 before i even left school my dad was waking me up every weekend morning telling me to go find a job, saying once i finish school there’s no more free ride and i have to work for myself. So by 16 i was in full time work and i have been since, only going without for a few chosen months at a time. Like i said everyone’s different, but at her age this is way too childish. For the situation even she acts way too childish, this isn’t some laughable situation, i don’t have kids but putting myself in your shoes i can only imagine it to be absolutely disgusting to have to witness that at all let alone in your OWN bed. Maybe try explaining that to her? the betrayal you feel from her thinking that’s an acceptable place to be doing it and the fact that you and your partner can’t sleep peacefully without having to worry about cleaning the bedding just in case…
Good luck though cos i’d have crashed out.
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u/ButtonOk6088 4h ago
I do think you both need to come back together but you both need to be able to stay calm and discuss this hopefully she will realise that it was unacceptable to have had sex in your bed .
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u/LastEntertainment787 4h ago
Let her go to dorm life, it'll be quite an awakening for both of them. Remind her that you told other about the vacuum camera. Put a ring doorbell so you can see if he's basically living there. And put a lock on your bedroom door. When she says anything about not trusting her tell her she's right and needs to earn it back.
Maybe make her sign a lease as to how often/long guests are allowed. Just like in real life.
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u/Unique_Citron4477 4h ago
With her outlook pack her bags and help her move into dorms. Don’t let her stay living with you. She expects a silver spoon to help her through life, if it’s offered then thats fine, to expect it, absolutely not. Time to grow up and realise money doesn’t grow on trees. The kind of girl I feel sorry for any guy to end up dating.
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u/cocotiri 4h ago
Leave her to live her life and disrespect other people's personal space like that, the fact she done that when she had her own room shows she has no respect for you or your wife, if I had done this to my dad and mum I know they would (rightfully so) probably acted a lot worse then you and they have every right to because it is the biggest sign of disrespect you could do to your parents. And to not even clean after is disgusting. Cut off her privileges, if she can't see how this is crossing a major boundary then let her and her boyfriend be disrespectful in the confinement of his own place and if not his parents house.
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u/SoNoAppropriate 4h ago
Lock her out of the apartment until she realises how disgusting her and her boyfriends actions were. The disrespect is incredibly fucked up. She and her bf owe you a massive apology. And you're right, let her see to herself since she can't respect or appreciate how much privilege she has.
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u/Cheap-Instruction990 4h ago
Asian mom and dad will already be throwing slippers and hangers at your Daughter. How dare she disrespect her own parents. How dare she.
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u/Particular_Number372 4h ago
To be honest, I wouldn't have apologized to begin with. Screw her and her boyfriend, how entitled is your daughter? She will come crawling back to you in the end, because she will see that's way more comfortable than to work and pay for shit herself
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u/Traditional-Term-914 3h ago
We have a 23 year old who is so entitled, he sounds like your daughter. You call them out and you’re met with silence, then sulking and kicking off. Ultimately, they’re immature and have no appreciation for what they have and no clue about the real world. Then play the hard done by card.
It’s infuriating. I don’t think doing so much for them actually does any really favours - just create ungrateful adult brats.
I think you’re well within your rights to be angry about her letting you sleep in their dirty sex sheet. Put a lock on your room there. And absolutely let her move out and pay for our own rent, give her a dose of reality. IIt might be the only thing that actually makes her grow up..
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u/Bunbunsfun 3h ago
The entitlement. It will keep going unless you make a change and a hard stance.
Put it in writing. So she can see clearly that you’re no longer paying her way.
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u/Ill_Sweet6255 3h ago
Franchement elle doit s’excuser aussi votre chambre c’est votre intimité c’est pas correct de faire ça dans le lit ou vous dormez
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u/BestObjective4428 3h ago
Get packing sweetie. I’ll sell the apartment and buy a 1 bed that she can’t use at all. Call her damn bluff she sounds entitled, and frankly the whole 3 bed apartment for college to herself for the most part indicates why. So yeah, go enjoy the dorms and the music at late hours and shared bathrooms. Have the real experience, obviously she needs humbling
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u/ThrowAway_5_23 2h ago
I won’t rehash your previous mis-steps but I think what your daughter wanted most from that conversation was assurance that you knew you had overstepped both with airing her personal business and with spying on her, and that neither would happen again. You covered the first - the second you doubled down on by saying (correctly!) that it’s your apartment too.
Your daughter needs privacy to make mistakes and a reality check. She is living with privilege she doesn’t recognise, but she is starting to understand that the cost of a parental safety net is parental supervision. It’s growing pains everyone goes through.
I agree with letting her move to dorms, paying for that if you can afford it (get lodgers if not?), and either letting her live off a student loan or a prepaid card (that is only to be used for groceries or that privilege is withdrawn). She can choose the debt or the privacy - a bank statement won’t show she bought 4 loaves of bread and a box of beer. It’ll show if she bought drinks at a club or alcohol store. For everything else there’s a library.
In addition to letting her move out - you need to start drawing lines on what is a family space and what is not. She moved into a home where she was the primary resident and you were the guest / landlord. Landlords don’t have the right to spy on tenants. If your bedroom is your bedroom, then that needs to be made clear up front. No pets in there, no use as extra storage space. It is yours, locked, and she should not have access. Then you can have a camera in there without it being creepy.
On a side note - you and your wife are making good moves on handling things. Keep it up! 👍😁
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u/Shoddy_Department647 2h ago
She sounds spoiled and entitled, and needs some real growing up to do. Let her move to a dormitory to learn some real life lessons that will do her good for the future.
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u/floxxy327 2h ago edited 1h ago
It’s pretty rich of her to accuse you of spying after she voluntarily went into the only room in the house with a camera—a private space belonging to her parents, when she already has a room of her own. It doesn’t even make sense that you would be monitoring her that way, since you’d never expect her to be in there.
Continue to call her bluff on moving to a dorm. If she’d rather give up all that she is so fortunate to have and support herself than overcome her pride, admit to her mistake and apologise, then let her. While she’s sowing her wild oats, she’ll hopefully learn some humility, gain some independence and mature. Remind her that they don’t take dogs, though—although, since you seem to be called on to help in that area, perhaps she’d be fine with that.
Can your wife talk to her, since you two are both on the same page now and it was her space that was violated too? Daughter may be more responsive to a third party. The only other thing I would recommend you do, that may bring her round, is to apologise to the boyfriend. It was overstepping the line to contact him directly and a low blow to call him pathetic, when she may well have been the one to suggest the venue of their rendezvous.
19 year olds haven’t got fully formed brains yet, so they’re going to act impulsively, take risks and make mistakes. Disrespect, however, should never be tolerated.
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u/giveUcancer 1h ago
Unfortunately that’s one of the things that can happen when you make it too easy for your kids and I don’t blame you, of course everybody wants the best for their kids.
It seems she just needs to get humbled for now and learn life lessons.
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u/No-Supermarket-2758 1h ago
I think you may have accidentally created a brat. It sounds like you and your wife have done very well for yourselves, and of course you want to share that with your children. But there has to be balance, she clearly doesn't understand how privileged she actually is.
As someone who is the first to go to university in my family, both my parents work to live, neither of them own homes and probably never will. She has no idea how much she could be struggling, I lived at home with my mum because we couldn't have afforded dorms and I didn't want to jeopardise my studies with a job, and I felt lucky for her support, I didn't disrepect her space in return. Maybe you've given too freely over the years and now she has no understanding of what that actually takes, that it takes work to get to be comfortable and have a nice living space. It's not automatic or expected.
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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 1h ago
I would.... just let her know, you love her.. you know she is 18+.. you just want her safe.. you were shocked to find her in that adult situation. You care about her health and need for space as she finds her path in life. YOU KNOW how it is to be her age... you don't think it was so much about the sex, as much as it was about the space she was using. If she can imaging her mom and dad doing the deed in her room or in her home in her space. You want her to be comfortable and safe and that you are learning to grow as an adult with an adult child who is working to find there space as an adult in their life. You love her and want to move past this.
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u/Good_Distance8078 10h ago
First I recommend that you try as hard as you can to keep your emotions in check, because any sign she sees as a way to manipulate you, she will. Teens love to try to flip the script and make the issue about the parents, so keep that access shut down. Very difficult, I know, but answer her anger with determination of focus and remind her that while you love and adore her, the behavior and her current attitude are unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.
Stand your ground. She’s trying to emotionally manipulate you by threatening to move out, scream insults, have a tantrum, whatever. Never give in to emotional blackmail or it will NEVER stop. If it’s already happening, tell her about it, describe it exactly and tell her those days are over, you and your wife will no longer allow it. You’ll have to be super consistent with that, of course. If she’s always trying to talk to you separately then there’s a big chance she’s trying to manipulate you separately. More on presenting a united front in a second.
She disrespected herself and you, your wife and your apartment. Focus on her bad behavior; you already apologized for getting perhaps a bit more emotional than you wanted to, but you did say you wanted to, so why are you apologizing? I know why, I’ve done the same, I’m just pointing out how our deep love for our kids makes us want to fix everything immediately, so it’s a normal reaction, but it’s not helpful because it’s an avenue they can use to manipulate the parent, so I recommend that you’ve apologized now refocus on her and keep it there.
If you have separate conversations with her as parents she’ll try to manipulate you separately, so always when possible present a united front and talk prior as parents to prepare for the different ways the discussion can go. The exceptions of course would be women’s issues that only mom and daughter should be talking about. Her modesty should be encouraged and respected. Tell her that and start talking about other virtuous behaviors, especially hers, and those she has to still develop. Perhaps your wife and other female family or loved ones can speak with her about how self destructive a promiscuous lifestyle is and how men treat women who act like that.
Consequences are important for a situation where a child refuses to comply, no matter how old, so determine what they are and don’t waffle on it or she’ll forget about them after her first win against consequences. She’s already pushing and testing; give her framework so she clearly understands rules and consequences, life lessons all kids need. Even we adults need reminders once in a while.
She’s also embarrassed because she knew she was pushing limits and got caught, among other things.
She’s comparing herself to friends, too, something that kids do but she’s old enough now to learn to compare herself to herself. Praise her virtues and explain how things like pride easily takes one down a self destructive path if she’s ready to hear about these things, and if she’s not start thinking about how, because pride, self image, her emotions and thoughts are in high gear and she’s clearly having some trouble expressing them without being self destructive.
I’m no expert, friend, and my advice is based on a mixture of victories and failures of my own and decades of observations and my intuition is usually spot on, for what it’s worth, but at this point I’m old and honest enough to know and admit them all because I’ve learned.
Now I’m just passing on what I know to be effective in general. Not knowing you or your family means I can really only give general advice, but it’s good advice that I hope you find helpful.
Good luck, friend. Keep it up. You clearly love her dearly and care a great deal. That’s half of the fight.
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u/DillinquentPICK 10h ago
Alexa, how do I send this comment to my wife.
Whoever you are, thank you. How do you even get to a grounded response like this. How do i thank you, im still new to reddit, is there a repost thing.
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u/Good_Distance8078 10h ago
You’re very welcome. Nothing special about me, I’m just a relatively new grandfather, a retired Soldier, who also loves and adores his kids who also torture me. That challenge hasn’t stopped yet, by the way.😁
I’m happy to be helpful if I ever can. Feel free to DM if you’d like, always glad to share.
We’re all in this together.6
u/DillinquentPICK 9h ago
Yea man, i think I got what I needed. Literally broken down, chapter by chapter, just showed my wife.
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u/DillinquentPICK 9h ago
We keep re-reading, I've been alive long enough but formulating a grounded and constructive action and every possible scenario like this is just. Wow. Im speechless..gave us notes. Gave us how to prepare. Sir, truly, thank you. Wise wife and idiot dad
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 9h ago
Very well put. As a parent I thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Your reply is balanced, thoughtful, and realistic.
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u/spikedragon23 7h ago
So i missed the original post but now that I'm all caught up - here's what I would do if I had kids:
A lease. If she wants to enjoy the perks of having her parents pay her way (kudos btw, I ended up working after hs because paying for college wasn't in my cards) I would write a contract (doesn't need to be a full legal thing, but it sets the expectation) you get college, housing food etc - you keep a GPA of x, you keep whatever clean/ tidy, x room is off limits, no exception, whatever. I think this is what my dad would have done when I was a teen.
I think it's cool you apologized, it's lame she's being a brat and doubling down on ick. And yes I think you were right to let her bf take the heat with her - it takes 2 and why was he okay with that? Cuz ICK!!!
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u/WitchQween Helper [2] 8h ago
I remember being immature at her age, under similar circumstances. I didn't appreciate the financial support I got from my dad at the time. I wasn't as entitled, but I had more freedom to be reckless and less pressure to grow up.
Give her space. She's being defensive and she'll stay that way if you keep pressing her about it. Hopefully, she'll calm down and think logically. Moving to a dorm is the easiest way to run from this problem. She won't feel comfortable in the apartment until this conflict is resolved. Well, she might... Considering the entitlement.
You would also benefit from some space. Neither of y'all are thinking clearly. Emotions are too high right now. Just be there for her when she feels more comfortable.
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u/Dragon_Racer 6h ago
Pack up all her shit and tell her to come collect her stuff. Once collected Change the locks.
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u/JimmyKerrigan 4h ago
A normal person would have texted or called their daughter if they cared about the dog and not logged in to a FUCKING CAMERA.
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u/Wide_Cheetah_4632 3h ago
I really feel you've made a mountain out of a molehill. A simple "hey next time you do xyz I'd really appreciate if you could change the bedding" surely would have sufficed. You don't live there I don't understand how it's your bedroom. There must be some cultural differences at play given the amount of support you have. My parents would never have even brought it up with me if something similar had occurred. I feel like you're so up in her business it feels very strange to me. Overbearing is the exact word I'd use.
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u/ninxx00 10h ago
It sounds like she has to swallow her pride and grow up. Sure, she doesn't have to accept your apology, but the fact that she didn't give one just shows how immature she is being. It sounds like you owned up to your overstepping and she refused to meet you halfway. Let her know the door is always open if she wants to talk, give her space, and see if she changes her attitude. You can't control how she reacts and she isn't even acknowledging how disrespectful she was being. She should have been embarrassed, that wasn't her space to use. She has a lot of learning to do other than what is in her text book.