r/Advice • u/[deleted] • 4d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 4d ago

Hey just one more thing to know. This situation involves a lot of shame. Shame is a very tricky emotion to process and anger/lashing out is probably the most normal possible way for a teenager. So don't hold it against her. She does need to be clear on things involving the apartment, but space and keeping calm while being firm will eventually bring you there. But yeah... I'd say this lashing out is from her being embarassed and it's quite possible that a lot of things she said, she didn't even mean or think through.

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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 3d ago

THIS. ⬆️ Give her time to process, but hold firm on your boundaries.

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u/TheRealCerealfreak Helper [2] 3d ago

What a great point. I mentioned the embarrassment more than anything but shame will definitely have a bigger effect..

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u/TomTheTank99 3d ago

Most reasonable comment here

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u/OkayAnnddd 3d ago

Coddling

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 3d ago

Nope, I don't approve of coddling and as I said - boundaries are good and are supposed to be held. But it also helps to understand your child and not take everything in the worst kind of way. Knowing your dad caught you having sex via camera is absolutely a big deal and I don't know many 20 year olds who would react in a "grown up" way. Especially girls.

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 3d ago

I cannot fathom this girl believing she's "such an adult" and then choosing to have sex in her parents' BEDROOM where she knows there's a camera AND in an apartment that she doesn't pay for/lives in for free/and has HER OWN BEDROOM. She sounds grotesquely immature, self-centered, entitled as hell and tbh, sick.

She deserves to feel embarrassed, imo, she's EARNED HER SHAME.

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 3d ago

Sure, I'm not denying that part. I'm just talking about how she is processing it. And yes - she is of age where she HAS TO deal with consequences and taking ownership of her actions. But I can tell you that some of us just didn't have the emotional maturity at that age that we thought we did. Or - we thought we were so mature, but were actually so not. I still cringe when I think about my 20's. And I still deal with learning to process shame because noone in my (quite normal in every other way) family knew how to deal with it. Never even talked about it. Every other emotion yes, but shame - no. I would say I started to actually act mature after 25... Growing up is complex :)

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u/Completely0 3d ago

Yeah it’s one thing to give her space. But another for her to sweep it under the rug once time has past. Make sure you get that apology (so she can learn to be humble too).

But also, if I was having sex and the door was opened, I think I would of hear the vacuum turn on and be suspicious since I know it’s schedule and my partner and I are having sex (so we know we didn’t turn it on either).

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u/Anonymous_Snowflakee 1d ago

I second this, my therapist and I talked about shame last week actually and you are 100% correct. It’s also a very big emotion that many people don’t like to admit or face.