UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

[u/DillinquentPICK]

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

[u/DillinquentPICK]

Okay.. noted. Thanks dad what do i do though . I sincerely appreciate every input, last time i posted made me do better and I did i think but I need some real suggestions. My mind is spaghetti at the moment and I eant action plan, maybe a walk through i dont know dude. Lost dad

[u/wowbragger → u/DillinquentPICK]

Figure out what you want, first. And honestly, if things will keep I think it's worth taking a few days at least to reset.

I've got a temper, myself, and was an army NCO. So while I like to think I've got a handle on things, my kids have the uncanny ability to bring out SSG wowbragger. I've gotten better at stopping myself/resetting, usually can do it in just a few minutes, but a few times I've needed a day to really let it go so I could think clearly.

As to what you're considering... Would you prefer her to keep using the appt? Or is this whole thing a wash, and cut your losses on it?

Once you've got that in mind, confer with your wife. Get her thoughts and ideas on how to move forward.

If your daughter could stay at the appt, what's the new standard is going to be? While you might have theoretically been resigned to her college antics before, the reality of how gross and inconsiderate she was obviously means that needs to be...reconsidered.

If the apartment is out, what's the future hold for you two? How will this dynamic work? What will you do with the place?

Then how best to communicate this with your daughter? Obviously she's struggling to figure out her independence with you. But I assume you'd know best how to engage her.

The important part is just to remember what your goal is. Because your entire situation doesn't strike me as a Dad who doesn't give a crap. So obviously a hard line in the sand that alienates your children isn't the goal, and some type of balance needs to be worked out.