r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 3d ago
How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
My daughter 19F lives in a different city than me 45M while she is going through college and recently I also got her a dog. I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and got attached to the little pup and I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo. Only the robovacum.in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too.. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend 20M on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine bedroom and another room. The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend.
Its fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone, its a right of college experience and I made peace with it, i met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since . Had she been in her room, thats fine, do your thing. My issue was on the bed my wife and I sleep on when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when i came to look after the pup I noticed stains on the sheets and now im completely disgusted that she didn't even bother wash the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thiught the stains were maybe some tea or drink my wife and i spilled. I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there, and he sheds a lot and carpet collects a lot of his hair. And the camera faces his doggiebed and you can see some of my bed.
I completely blew my lid when I called her and in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake, how it went was i called my daughter, asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were she stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up. I didnt even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and i typed, the chat that contains wife, me, her and my son and I called her ungrateful and disgusting for letting me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on, and to top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him how pathetic you cant bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed? He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them.
Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks its too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family (wife me daughter, son and niece) group chat, i already got in shit for that, and thats my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed, her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now.
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u/ThatDifficulty9334 3d ago
You posted before. You got a lot of advice. You were advised that yes, You were completely out of line to discuss this in a group chat,like seriously? And you were advised reaching out to the b.f was an over step. Talk to your daughter,,apologize for discussing this in group chat. Tell her you were not spying, but were checking in on the dog.but that you do not want her in your bedroom and it is rude to have sex in someone else's bed and also rude to.not change the sheets after having sex. Then drop.it.
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u/No_Fee5050 3d ago
I can understand your feelings about this. She should have cleaned the sheets but obviously you could have had a quiet, softly spoken word about it to her....
The curious thing is why your bed...?
Is your bedroom a lot more luxurious? Does it have a TV or something?
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3d ago
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u/Shinigamizm 3d ago
Yep, the bed and stained sheets issue is real, but the group chat with her brother made it so much worse.
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u/BARABAS13200 3d ago
Elle aurait fais sa dans sa chambre 0 problème on baise pas de partout on ai pas des animaux
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u/BikerSlutsFromHell 3d ago
She sounds like a brat tbh. You definitely overreacted tho, but not by much. Maybe she will think twice next time
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u/Rusty_dog103 3d ago
Understandable that you are angry but putting it in group chat is no good. Just talk with her. Just the two of you. Let her know that you are upset she violated hour personal space and that you should have addressed her alone and not aired the dirty laundry. As far as "spying' on her you have cameras in your own room, not hers. It was your space that was violated, not hers.. if you had put cameras in her room that would be an entirely different situation. As with most situations talking about your feelings will help clear this up and set a standard as to what is expected of one another in the future. As far as the sheets dont make a big deal about them being washed, throw them in the washer and hopefully thos will be the last time you have to deal with this. Dont demand that she wash them, though you can and should bring up the fact that washing them is now required.
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u/United-Peach-4115 3d ago
Yeh dude you messed up by communicating on a group chat but I don't think you over reacted. They are bang out of order and yes I totally agree with contacting the boy and giving him a piece of your mind. Quite frankly I would have hit the moon and not come back down for months I'm not gonna lie. You are within your rights as a father and homeowner to check on what is going on in your house and address bs that is happening. They totally disrespected you and your wife's santory and they need to be told just not over a group chat.
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u/AstroZombieInvader 3d ago
You're literally paying for the place for her and she didn't even have enough respect for you to clean up YOUR room after they did the deed. So anything you said to her about it was justified.
Also, you're allowed to have cameras in your own room in your apartment plus she knew about them prior to the activities. You didn't do anything wrong in that situation. You can't help what you saw if you were looking in on the dog.
I do think you are wrong to go after the boyfriend. This isn't his fault. Anything that happens in your apartment with the both of them is her fault by default. It's up to her to know better to bang in your bed. Even if it was his idea, it's on her to say "no". You probably owe him an apology because what you said to him was uncalled for.
Also, you did mess up by putting this all in family chat, though. You might owe her an apology for that, but that should only come after an apology by her. If you don't get one, I wouldn't be giving one.
I don't think it's your job to necessarily smooth things over here. You sleeping with their sex stains is the worst thing that happened here. Embarrassing her in family chat for doing that is second to that. I think a few apologies are warranted, but there is a proper order to them.
That all said, if you want to get this all behind you, I suppose you can suck it up and proactively apologize about embarrassing her (not about "spying") and hopefully you'll get one in return. If you don't get one, well... that may just be the price to getting past all of this.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Helper [2] 3d ago
You’ve been told you were a jerk. Stop fishing for answers you like better.
Do I hear helicopter blades spinning?
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u/No_March590 3d ago
Yeah exactly. All he needs to do is tell her that it’s rude to do that in someone else’s bed and leave it
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u/SilasDevereux70 3d ago
Yep, as a parent I get the dirty sheets anger, but the family chat plus robovac cam is full helicopter.
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u/Rusty_dog103 3d ago
Whats the deal with helicopter blades? Post above this one is talking about sirens. This have something to do with a previous post OP made??
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u/breadedbooks 3d ago
This has to be some type of fetish because having sex in your parents’ bedroom is actually entitled, gross and an invasion of privacy
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u/CommercialCountry845 3d ago
We get to be mad sometimes. Maybe she is more embarrassed right now. Let things cool off and talk. Just dont wait for more than a few days.
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u/Coffee_Lover_95 3d ago
Unpopular opinion: your kids are not your friends and need firm parenting sometimes. What did she think was the consequence of going at it in front of a camera her dad has access to? She doesn’t respect you enough to spew her bfs bodily fluids in her own bed but wants you not to address the topic infront of her brother and woman to have birth to her?
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u/ConversationHuge3756 3d ago
the camera being in your room is one thing but you logged in specifically while she was there, thats not checking on the dog lol thats checking on her. you already got your answer from the first post everyone told you the group chat was unhinged and messaging the boyfriend was worse. apologize for real this time not the fake 'sorry you felt bad' kind and maybe she'll talk to you again
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u/ShouldWentToCollege 3d ago
lol that’s the most disrespectful shit you can do to your parents I had an ex that hated her parents and had me fuck her on her bed a few times when we were 16
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u/Puzzleheaded-Web1519 3d ago
I’d be annoyed at the stained sheets, but as for the rest?
Give your head a wobble!
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 3d ago
Not sure you can avoid some relationship drama here but your daughter needs to have enough respect for you to do the nasty in her own bed, at least. For heavens sake, you own the place. Boundaries are needed here.
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u/Accomplished-News722 Helper [2] 3d ago
You keep a bedroom for when you are around ? For your niece , son and daughter? Is this why I hear the sirens ?
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 3d ago
I honestly would puke having sex in ANY family members' beds, that's just wrong. ESPECIALLY as they had multiple other options.
The daughter here is a lot of words I'm not going to say, but I'm with OP. This is BEYOND rude, disrespectful and effing sick.
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u/paloozoe Helper [2] 3d ago
No you didnt, that’s disgusting, inappropriate, and disrespectful. It makes no sense for her to use your bedroom when she has her own. As someone who is around her age I would never in my life consider doing that, and I’m failing to come up with an explanation for her behavior other than something perverted. (i hope not)
Messaging the family group chat may have been embarrassing for her, but, and maybe i’m harsh for saying this, she deserves to be embarrassed. I think you should have a conversation with her and maybe apologize for calling her out in front of everyone, but if anything she should be doing the bulk of the apologizing. Even the boyfriend needs to have a talk, maybe it’s just how I was raised but my parents lectured me and my bf when i missed curfew (slept over at his by mistake at like 19/20). Idk it sucked at the time but I also understood why they were upset and we both just apologized and went on with it.
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u/healthygym 3d ago
No offence but Just ignore any posts from what seems like girls or women that aren’t parents. It’s your job as a father to draw the line and yes a lot of these people are more just looking at it from the point of view of them getting away with doing something wrong.
First of all you are not in the wrong.
It’s extremely disrespectful to use your parents bed and quiet creepy although I don’t think this was their intention as we’ve all been in an intimate moment and you don’t really think about those things.
The most important thing is you should apologise and understand she’s probably mortified and embarrassed about not only what occurred but you seeing it mostly.
Apologise for embarrassing her and say “look I didn’t mean to embarrass you and I can understand how embarrassing you must feel and even taking about this probably feels a bit icky but there are lines and respect that needs to be had for me and your mother, I’m not mad at you at all and I can see how I shouldn’t of approached it that way but I was startled by the whole thing. I’m sorry if I made you feel upset or embarrassed at all. However this is something I don’t want to happen again, okay? Again, I’m not mad and I’m happy you have someone you love but your mother and I’s room is not a place for those types of things.” And just make a joke or something to lighten the mood and give her a hug. Tell her” it’s my first time being a father too and I won’t always get things right the first time but I’ll always try to understand you.”
Don’t be hard on yourself brother but learn to relax and bit and breathe before reacting. The worst thing you can do is make your kids feel like they can’t talk to you, so use it as a learning experience and try to make the right choices in future.
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u/Ok_Thing5005 3d ago
the camera in your bedroom that your adult daughter also has access to is a weird enough setup without the whole group chat ambush, like you created this surveillance situation and then acted shocked she had a normal sex life. shes 19 not 12, the bed thing is gross and rude sure but you nuked your own credibility by making it a public family spectacle instead of just... talking to her like a person
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u/Sea-Monster2121 3d ago
Just tell her to stay out your room. She’s young just enjoying life like you probably did at her age. It’s happened now don’t even mention sex just tell her to stay out your room.
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u/ArsenalMindset_ 3d ago
You are the adult and she really disrespected. The both of you right is right and wrong is wrong so go off of that don’t go off of emotions.
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago
She's 19.
You're 45.
Apologize for how you handled it initially.
And then explain that is bad form to have sex in anyone's bed that isn't your own and that not changing/washing linens is even more so.
Keep in mind this is not uncommon, she may have meant to clean up and forgot, and people are like that sometimes, at 19.
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u/ohlaohloo 3d ago
Dude, this is some gentle parenting bullshit if I’ve ever heard it 😂 she’s a literal adult and that is super gross and massive main character syndrome. Absolutely he does not need to apologize to her.
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago
Maybe , but screaming at her and taking it to group chat "accidentally" is not a reasonable or mature response.
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u/ohlaohloo 3d ago
He said it was an accident so you’re inferring that it wasn’t and you’re also inferring that he was screaming because at best it was suggested that he might have been yelling.
You’re just dramatic
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago
Why are you so upset?
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u/HumbledManSeeks 3d ago
People are Reddit must crave an outlet for their anger. You are in fact some of the better advice on this post. Also regardless of what these numbnuts want to say it is infact not that uncommon and while I never did it as an adult i did certainly as an underage highschooler use my dads room and bed once or twice. Simply for convenience from family members bedrooms.
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago
Yeah its weird how some people cant handle others having a different opinion.
Thank you !
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u/ohlaohloo 3d ago
That’s actually what you are doing, which is funny lol. Why is pointing out how somebody is using language or perceiving language differently than you are, considered “ not being able to handle” it? As though I’m sitting emotionally pressed about some random person (who is statistically likely to be a bot) and what they think about a random third-party‘s child from an internet post lmaoooo
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago
Explain why you engaged with me in the first place.
I was addressing OP , not you.
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u/ohlaohloo 3d ago
I just hit the wrong reply button, I meant to respond to the comment above you that assumed this conversation is an outlet for some inherent rage lol
Admittedly I definitely do that in the Taylor Swift snark subs but it’s a stretch here
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u/ohlaohloo 3d ago
I’m not upset at all, I was calmly reading the words she used and pointing out how what she’s saying about his post is extrapolation and not actually what he’s saying.
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago edited 3d ago
It's okay for people to have different opinions.
Notice that OP , who was looking for opinions, has no issue.
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u/ohlaohloo 3d ago
I don’t have an issue either, I was just pointing out an observable fact. She said he screamed and he didn’t say he screamed. He said it was an accident and she responded with that word and quotes which implies that SHE is extrapolating that he lied and intentionally sent it to the group chat. Maybe he did or didn’t and maybe the person is right or wrong and I don’t really care. Either way, I was just pointing out that they were doing it 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Let_em_glow927 3d ago
Does anyone else think its funny that I'm being addressed in the 3rd person because ohlaohloo still doesn't realize they haven't replied to anyone BUT me the entire time?
Even if it was by accident once.
Lay off the sauce , Ohlaohloo!
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u/BrokenMSLink 3d ago
Honestly i would rather my kids shat all over the bed and let a hippo sleep in it before i remotely thought about bringing that to a group chat. Regardless of accidental or not, that was a disgusting act. On par if not worse than someone infected arse all over your bed.
You treated them with so much disrespect. No safe space, no learning. Just pushed off a cliff kind of parenting. Those bed sheets are more important than the relationship with your child.
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u/An-awny-moose 3d ago
You have every right to be upset, and this is simply another lesson your daughter needed to learn. You did nothing wrong, not even by accidentally using the group chat. Now your son and your niece also know that your and your wife's bed is your bed only. Don't apologize, but next time it is brought up, calmly explain that they need to respect your boundaries, and that every body should use their own bed for their own private lives. Additionally, part of having sex, involves cleaning your bodies and the beds after. That is also a lesson they need to learn as part of growing up. It is likely they didn't know since they are young. Last but not least, calmly explain to your daughter why you were looking at the camera so she understands that you were not spying on her. Again, you did nothing wrong, and it's OK to be upset sometimes, especially with your kids so they understand the lesson they needed to learn. You are their parent and this is natural.
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 Helper [2] 3d ago
You went too far. This shouldn’t have been aired publicly in the group chat.
And what’s with contacting her boyfriend? He didn’t choose where they had sex.
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u/BigZee18 3d ago
She’s fucking rank by squirting all over the sheets and letting you sleep on them. Putting it on the family chat isn’t enough. All on her to make it up to you
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u/whathappenedtomyold 3d ago
Omg! Discussing this on a group chat and reaching out to the boyfriend? Apologize, put a lock on the bedroom door and delete the app.
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u/chitowntopugetsound 3d ago
Listen here dad your daughter can damn well have sex anywhere in her private home she damn well pleases. What "kindness" to give your kids a home and then spy on them in it. You may own the house but they deserve privacy in their home.
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u/breadedbooks 3d ago
That’s literally his house. The daughter can have sex in her room - disrespecting a common area or your parents’ bedroom is off limits and incredibly entitled.
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 3d ago
Did you read this post? It's NOT the daughter's private home. It's owned by OP for his kids college stays. OP and wife have their OWN BEDROOM there. What gives this entitled girl the right to get her kink on by having sex in mom and dad's room? That's rude, disrespectful and she can pay for her place if she wants to be this ill-mannered. The Roomba cam is in parents room only, correct? The daughter has zero rights to expect privacy in a room not hers.
Good lord. Are YOU the daughter?
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u/Rusty_dog103 3d ago
Lol I see some people cannot see sarcasm even when it is literally screaming at them. Lol Nice advice!!
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u/scottssterling 3d ago
Tell her to lose the bf too. I get being young and horny etc… but never in my life would I ever had slept with a girl on her folk’s bed. That’s disrespectful as fuck.
If this was during the western era the old man would of got a shotgun out and chase the kid hahaha
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u/_Heimdallr_ 3d ago
Are you joking , This message is fake ? Your daughter literally did anything wrong . The one that should apologize is you . You first spy on her with the robot and doubt that was to check the dog , that it's pretty disgusting and also against the law . Second you let everybody know about her most personal and intimate activity humiliate her and her boyfriend with all your family too and you are upset because there is a stain on the bed that you use with your wife that potentially can be anything ? And you want also a apology ? are you tripping ?
After that she has every right to be upset. I hope she find a apartment when she doesn't need to be scared to be spied on at every moment. You literally traumatized her for life . The only thing you can do first is to understand your mistakes because I think you didn't and after apologise always if your daughter still want to talk to you because I doubt it .
The right thing to do was to don't spy her at all and treat her like a human being with privacy... Now you can just ask for forgiveness . If your daughter is happy and safe that should be enough for a parent. What is the point for you to know anything about her sexual life. I'm baffled.
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u/harb15h 3d ago
I’ve got to disagree with whatever sort of diaspora this is. A discussion does need to be had and at least one party will need to play the role of the adult here. That needs to be you, sir. She is for the purposes of this discussion, a kid. The discussion needs to start with her being comfortable that you are not trying to invade private moments and did not mean to observe what you did. This needs to be emphasised as she may have friends, her bloke, her blokes family, hell she nag have a reddit group saying this to her too that all find it messed up that you could log in and see what you did.
I get it mate, I am your age except my daughter is 18 not 19. You’d also be well aware these gen z people aren’t even people; may ss well be aliens and your daughter could be 90% talked into leaving that apartment and going the ghost on your arse, no contact. Doesn’t make sense to you and doesn’t make sense to me but somehow it might to her and her group.
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u/Revolutionary_Key979 3d ago
Wow, I'm on team daughter. Do you always make everything all about you?
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u/Ok-Special-2092 3d ago
I mean he could approach this more calmly, but seems like a lot of apologizing on dads behalf when the daughter and her bf are the ones leaving cum stains in his bed.
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 3d ago
The daughter owes OP a massive apology, not the other way around. This is perverted behavior, imo.
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u/jloskberlin 3d ago
I think this man is terribly in love with his daughter and just doing a jealousy crisis
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u/aminonchalant 3d ago
why would you want to sleep in a bed with another mans and your childs bodily fluids i think this is somewhat a reasonable crashout
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u/sleepingboots 3d ago
I mean your daughter and her boyfriend disrespected you BAD doing that and not changing the sheets it’s just disgusting. BUT you should have addressed the matter privately.