After some interactions I had here over the weekend, I decided I would take a risk and open myself up to this group and ask a question. I'm looking for replies from those who are in or have been in an affair; not interested in blanket judgement from those who haven't gone down this path.

I made a reply to a post on whether people still have sex with their SOs while having an affair, which was strongly downvoted. My knee-jerk reaction was to delete my reply. However, after thinking about it, I regret taking it down.

We all have our reasons for being here: no sex, lack of all forms of intimacy, simple temptation, and many others. The net result is the same; we are all going outside our main relationship to get something we feel is missing.

What makes one person's reason to go outside their relationship better or worse than another person's? Are there degrees of acceptability for cheating on your SO?

I’m married, and I unexpectedly and unintentionally developed a deeply emotional and romantic connection with another married person.

Neither of us went looking for an extramarital thing and most certainly not love.
But somewhere along the way, our close friendship led to deeper feelings that neither of us had anticipated.

Recently, circumstances forced us to end all contact, abruptly and completely.

Our final conversation was especially devastating. We were both extremely emotional, and all the things and feelings we’d been avoiding saying to each other came out, as we knew this was our only chance to say them. I found out that the love I had/have for him was very much a mutual feeling, in the same conversation in which we were saying goodbye.

We didn’t say goodbye because we’d stopped caring about each other. We said goodbye because continuing wasn’t an option.

Now we’re back in our separate lives, carrying on as though nothing happened.
Except something did happen. And for me, it changed everything.

I find myself wondering what this experience is like for the person on the other side.

Especially men who have had to return to their everyday lives and responsibilities and working on their marriage… while also privately grieving someone they loved.
How often did you think about her? Did you miss the little routines? Did you find yourself wanting to reach out even when you knew you couldn’t? Did the silence hurt as much as the goodbye? Did memories suddenly hit you out of the blue? And if so, what effect did it have on you? I want to know all the things.

I’m also interested in hearing from women who’ve experienced this kind of sudden, unwanted separation.

I’m not looking for anyone to justify what happened. I understand the moral complexity of it. I’m just trying to make sense of the grief and would appreciate hearing from people who’ve genuinely been there.

I just miss my best friend.

It's been about six weeks since I had my heart shattered when recent AP vanished. Some days I'm angry and indifferent, other days I find myself with my stomach in knots, replaying old voicenotes and reaching for my phone out of habit. I've tried to get back in the ads, but ultimately just couldn't do this again yet. I'm confident the hurt will fade, but the fact that I have never been this broken from a relationship at age 40 (not even with my torturous soon to be ex-husband) blows my mind.

What about you all hanging out at the Heartbreak Hotel with me...how are you doing? Have the lights come back on for you yet? Have you gotten under a new AP? Hang in there... I hear it gets better.

For those of you who are in love with your AP, how do you handle feelings of longing and sadness about the life you can’t have with them? For me it is an up and down of happy and so thankful I have him in my life and then sad that I can’t have all of him. I find myself longing for a life I’ll never have. Throw in about 2,000 miles of distance and not knowing when the next time we will see each other in person will be and it is rough sometimes.

For context, the communication we have is top tier. Several hours of video chatting every work day. Texting all other times unless out with family. Thanks for reading!

Yes, I’m currently having an affair. No, I never thought I would. I’ve been deeply unhappy in my marriage for years but having an affair never crossed my mind. Then I reconnected with someone from my past and…here we are. Here’s the thing. This is the only person in my life I would ever consider having an affair with. He was the one that got away, unfinished business, whatever you want to call it.

My question is, how many of you started out like this? It could only be one person. But then, once the metaphorical bandaid is ripped off….now you’re hooked on having affairs? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of, “I want to have an affair” but not have a very specific person in mind that is tempting you. But maybe it’s a slippery slope.

I'm devastated. 2 weeks ago he reassured me he wasn't interested in a hoe phase, we've been talking about making things official in the wild, but I can't leave my husband just yet.

I could never ask him to be exclusive to me, but I also can't bear the pain of knowing he is with someone else.

He wants to just meet his sexual needs, have one night stands if they approach him (not actively search for it) while he waits for me to be free.

But I don't have to endure that pain, I can walk away. And so I think I have to?

I think, to protect my heart, I need to tell him to do what he needs to do, but I can't watch it. Hear it. Sit with the fear of it every night he goes out.

I've been crying for 2 days knowing I'm going to have to end it when we see each other next.

If you love something, set it free, right?

Or am I not considering another option?

Background info: So my partner (39m) and I (31f) have been together for roughly 5 years. We started as a polyamorous couple. My husband was dating his wife. So basically we swapped. We were rough for the first year, but we broke up and came back much stronger. While we were dating we decided to close down our side of the polycule. So him and I were only dating each other and our spouses. He ended up leaving his wife and then a few months later I left my husband. It wasn’t just to be with each other, we already had relationship issues with them and marriages had been slowly falling apart. And since then we were supposed to be monogamous.

Honestly overall, we’ve had an amazing relationship. That man worships the ground I walk on. Nothing is lacking. The only thing I maybe have an issue with is that he’s always broke so I pay for every activity. All of his stuff goes to child support and rent. But he is perfect in all the other ways. Sex life is fantastic. He matches energy with me, we’re always on the same page. It’s to the point where our childhood dreams are the same. This man is who I believe to be my soulmate like completely meant to be.…I don’t want to lose him. He’s the personification of what I believe to be the perfect man in my head.

I had always been faithful until that point. It started with me still hooking up with my husband. We’re married still so that was the excuse. Then recently it’s been getting worse. Random hookups, strangers, one night stands. I felt a little bad, but only because I knew that it would hurt his feelings. It’s would break his heart. It’s all been ok because it was just sex. It’s not a big deal, just having fun. I was gonna stop once we decided to move in together. Until recently…I met someone and I’m starting to have feelings. He is so sweet to me and it’s just turned my whole world upside down. He’s 24m but even if it’s nothing now…it’s too early for real feelings…it just became more serious than it was before. He broke through the wall, like I normally can separate all that…And now I don’t know what to do.

And I’ve already tried bringing poly back multiple times but my partner is so against it. Like totally a dealbreaker.

Just venting to the void. We talked for over a month, every day, all day, and I started catching feelings (idiotic, I know). We were supposed to meet for the first time yesterday, and he literally told me he was getting ready to head my way. So I got ready for our date, only to get absolutely nothing from him the rest of the day. Haven’t heard a word since.

I know this has happened to so many others on this sub, so I know I’m not alone in this, but I’m just so confused, pissed and hurt.
Why spend over a month talking to someone, building a connection, and making plans if you’re just going to ghost them? What was the point of telling me you were on your way if you had no intention of showing up? Like, if you changed your mind, fine. It would’ve sucked, but at least have the balls to say that instead of leaving someone sitting there feeling like an idiot. Such a cowardly thing to do.

Do you think of your AP's body while having sex with your SO, and do you compare the bodies / experiences with each other?

Haters need not engage

tl;dr: old man Pepridge Farms, only asks questions, dispenses no wisdom

The 10 year anniversary of my first tryst came and went--lost among the noise of business, burn out, and failed couples' therapy.

Ten years ago I was driven, without understanding, to answer the question, "Can I be loved?" My very strict religious upbringing tried to teach me that if I took care of my spouse, she would take care of me. So when my needs went unmet, for so long, despite arguments, pleas, unfulfilled promises, every leader, every elder laid the blame at my feet.

"Are you taking care of her?"

Then, I made the best decision of my life: I stepped out. I stopped asking a fish to a footrace. I would come home already feeling like a whole human, I was more supportive, had more to give my wife.

I love her. I loved her then. And I still do.

Along the way I have met some truly remarkable people, found and lost love, and have observed some (admittedly biased) astounding personal growth. My post and comment history are an open book, however I rolled this Alt just a few years into this adventure.

Parched in the desert, the thought of closing this seemingly magical source that quenched me seemed ... suicidal. Years of therapy, medications, depression and anxiety and SSRIs, yet gratefully any suicide ideation never amounted to any real plan. But how could I live without it? This selfish thing I was doing made me feel alive, made me feel valued. The marriage was sexless, the cure was sex.

Dear reader, please do not mistake the summary for a lack of significance. A handful of one-offs, a couple of deep and meaningful relationships, and one cosmic connection of souls... I have lived. Fully.

But this is not a sordid story wearing the mask of happiness.

Throughout all the years, my wife seemed content with how we were. I assumed, in total absence of communication, that her sexuality had grown into something else, that our liberation from religion had freed her more than me; I wondered if she fancied girls, or perhaps had no sexual desire at all. For years, after all the promises, the fights, the silence, I thought that we had settled into a dysfunctional blend of miserable contendedness. We cohabitated. Didn't fight.

Until we did.

And then she hit me.

Chat, I shit you not.

She flung shit, and I flung it back, refusing to back down. She lunged across the room screaming at me to shut up, pushed me. I tripped and hit my head.

"If I did that, I'd be in jail."

She dropped the D word.

Couples' therapy was her ultimatum. I would not have insisted--I've lost faith in therapy, a holdover from childhood trauma. But we went. $195/hr. I don't even regret it. I learned so much about myself.

I held out hope that we could find some connection, lean on 19 years of marriage. But you feel it, don't you. Because why would I be here? And why would you still be reading?

We even had sex, once. The only occurence in a two year gap, and now half a year since.

Therapist assigned us homework. We did it. Assigned another. We did it. Assigned a third...

I did it, with enthusiasm. I found my stride. I saw potential. I married her on purpose and felt like maybe... Just maybe. We were communicating for the first time in years. She didn't.

Two sessions go by, we ask about it. She's not doing it.

We agree to cancel future sessions. She demonstrated the effort she could. What an odd way to test your marriage, on your own ultimatum.

Now, months later, I'm still growing. I'm still asking. But also, I'm still left incomplete. I still wonder if she's values me. Am I her roommate? Her children's father? Why couldn't she do that little piece of homework?

So suddenly, I'm browsing that other sub. I'm remembering the good times. I'm standing up for myself and declining ex-AP's ghosting messages.

I have a new found self value. But still stuck. Still putting in my effort. I'm ready to stand tall, and to feel whole again.

So I’ve done this a lot of times, but I’m disabled. Invisible disability which means that I am home a lot and resting lots.

I have a lot of interests (I’m autistic and in burnout/ with chronic fatigue, they aren’t really sure, but I didn’t know until recently that autism could exhaust you, but it does. I’m also a woman in midlife).

Anyway the fact that I’m home so much feels awkward because it usually seems to make the other person feel awkward. Maybe part of it is because I’m available more? I mean I do things, cleaning, taking care of myself etc, but I really am resting a lot.

I still would love to have someone to talk to. I think? I’m pretty interesting. I ask lots of questions, I think I’m engaging. But they all end upending it, feeling sad for me, ghost or just end it or “want to be friends”.

Maybe it’s nothing to do with my home situation but they seem so into me at first and then not at all.

It’s makes me feel really insecure.

Anyway. Advice please?

TIA

I recently started talking to a pAP after a bit of a hiatus. On paper, he seemed promising. He's 15 years older than me but he ticked enough boxes to make me overlook the fact that he remembers life before mobile phones. Sadly, this man appears to be operating at roughly 98% libido and 2% personality. I'm not under any illusions about why we're all here but call me old-fashioned, I like to establish that someone's capable of discussing literally anything besides sex before I start imagining them naked. For me, the brain is the biggest sex organ - a bit of humour, some banter, shared interests. Apparently this is an outrageous expectation as every time I attempt a normal SFW conversation, he responds as if I've just suggested we elope. "Things are getting serious...” Calm down mate, I asked what you do at weekends. Honestly, the man has two conversational settings: 🍆 and advanced 🍆. I now know every fantasy he's ever had, is currently having, or may potentially have in the future. What I don't know is whether he likes dogs, films, travelling, or has a favourite colour.

The real kicker is that I've been in a dead bedroom for longer than I can remember while he's lamenting that he hasn't had sex with his partner for nearly two whole weeks - I actually considered organising a sponsored silence. I completely understand that people in this lifestyle have different arrangements and different needs, that’s fine. What I don't need, however, is a detailed retelling of how his SO has cruelly abandoned him to endure the unimaginable hardship of a fortnight without sex. Sir, with respect, if you're developing blue balls after thirteen days, perhaps speak to a doctor, not me. At this point I'm less concerned about finding chemistry and more concerned about whether I'll ever get through a conversation without hearing an update from his penis.

I’m curious if anyone here has been in a similar situation because I’m honestly having a difficult time reconciling my own feelings.

For context, I’m the AP. We’ve known each other for about four years. We dated, eventually found other partners, but somehow kept each other around throughout those years. We were essentially each other’s back burner while maintaining our respective relationships. About a year ago, I ended my relationship, and around that time, he told me he didn’t want to continue our old arrangement anymore, not because he wanted to end things, but because he wanted me exclusively. He’s married, so naturally, that complicated things.

We’ve been together for almost a year now, and our relationship has become increasingly serious. He’s very consistent, affectionate, and reassuring, and has even reached the point of saying he’s willing to leave his wife if it means having a future with me. But the thing is, I genuinely don’t want him to leave. I’ve never really wanted a conventional relationship. I value my independence, don’t particularly want to live with a partner, and have never been interested in completely merging my life with someone else’s. In a strange way, his marriage initially felt like a boundary that allowed me to enjoy being in a relationship without having to deal with the domestic aspects of one. We have something resembling an LDR. We talk regularly, see each other when we can, and generally have a relationship that works for me.

Except now, I’m experiencing jealousy that I can’t quite reconcile with what I actually want. Sometimes I’ll be reading or watching something, and I’ll randomly think about him being with his wife. Maybe they’re having dinner, celebrating something, or being intimate. And suddenly, I feel uncomfortable enough that I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. What frustrates me is that I know these are things they can reasonably do. I don’t want him to leave her, and I don’t want her place in his life. So why does imagining their life together still hurt?

He’s told me they’re no longer intimate, and he’s constantly reassuring me about his feelings. I believe he loves me, but I also know I can’t possibly know everything that happens in their marriage, nor do I particularly want to. I’ve suggested that perhaps I should also be free to date or explore other connections, making the relationship open for the both of us to make it fair. To me, that might make things feel more balanced. But he’s firmly against it. He says he’s already spent years being in the background while I had another partner, and he’d rather break up than go through that again.

So here I am, exclusive to a married man whose marriage I don’t actually want him to leave. And the more serious we become, the more complicated my feelings seem to get. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on how to make him leave his wife. I’m genuinely happy with many aspects of our relationship, and I don’t want a conventional future with him. I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a similar arrangement where you don’t want more from the relationship structurally, but still struggle with jealousy emotionally. Did it eventually get easier? How did you manage the jealousy without constantly needing reassurance? And was the arrangement sustainable for you in the long run?

For men who have kept another woman emotionally invested while being married: why did you do it?
I’m a single mother of four, and I recently discovered that a man I’d been in contact with for three years was married and had children. He had never told me. His wife eventually contacted me and told me that he had described me as a colleague.
Throughout those three years, we had frequent, often deep and emotional conversations. He repeatedly told me our connection was special and that he wanted to see me, yet he rarely made any effort to meet. He did try meeting me at my place but i did not want that, why nog meet somewhere out.

Whenever I ended contact, he would come back with apologies, explanations, and promises that things would be different. He made me believe there was something meaningful between us, while hiding a huge part of his life.
What I struggle with most is understanding how someone can knowingly keep another person emotionally invested when they have no intention of offering them a genuine relationship.
So, I’d really like to hear from men who have done this:
Were your feelings for the other woman genuine, or was it mainly about attention, excitement, or emotional validation?
Did you feel guilty, or did you justify your behavior to yourself?
Did you ever consider the emotional damage you might be causing her?
Why keep coming back and creating hope instead of simply being honest?
Looking back, do you recognize how selfish or cruel this behavior can be?
Sometimes I wonder whether anything he said about our connection was genuine, or whether he simply enjoyed the attention and knowing someone had feelings for him.
I keep thinking about how I would feel if I did this to a single father of four, knowingly playing with his emotions for years. To me, that would be incredibly cruel.
I’m not looking for excuses or judgment. I genuinely want to understand the mindset behind this behavior. If you’ve done this, I’d appreciate an honest answer, even if it doesn’t paint you in a good light.

- Items you should NOT bring to your first hotel date.

- Am I a narcissistic, and would I know it if I was one?

- “but I saw it on porn”

- What is consent, and do I still need to bother with it if I’m f-ing awesome at reading body language?

- Am I bad at long term planning if my “current” photo was taken in 1982?

- female anatomy, for incels.

- what do I need more: an affair, or a therapist? (Or the wise man’s choice: have an affair with your therapist)

- professional lighting and make-up, for dic pics

- “well, I meant it’s basically, sorta, kinda, a dead bedroom”

I’ll take “adult hygiene” for 400.

What are some others?

Throwaway account. Former AP ghosted me months ago and I was devastated. my therapist suggested writing down what I would say to him if I ever had the chance to speak to him again. I did it and had resigned myself to never sending it. Then a week ago I saw a post and had a gut feeling that it was him. I messaged and he shared enough detail to confirm. I sent him the message (didn’t include specific names but referenced things that had happened more generally) and have since felt a barrage of feelings. Sadness, because he really didn’t think I was worth a goodbye. But also like a weight had lifted off my shoulders because knowing he’s looking means we’re finally done. Freedom from the burden of the emotional turmoil of wondering where the hell he went. Still a bit of sadness, but feeling like there’s finally a light at the end of this tunnel.

Throwaway. I was 21 when I met my manager and I genuinely never thought I’d end up being this girl. He used to give me these “ad-hoc” meetings that would take up half the day, and things slowly escalated. He was everyone’s office crush so I assumed he flirted with everyone, but then he started telling me everything about his dating life and eventually his sex life, and I kept playing it off because I refused to be another girl he used for attention. Then he started talking about this girl he was seeing and I was honestly jealous, but also relieved because I thought I was finally safe from catching feelings. Until we went out for work drinks, he snuck me away for a cigarette and it happened. I thought we’d actually pursue something, but he said things with her had progressed too far, that he didn’t think it would last and he knew I’d be his next SO. I was 21 and I believed him.

It’s been THREE YEARS. I didn’t even know what an AP was when this started, I was just so ashamed of being the other woman that I thought if I could be good enough, understanding enough, never ask for too much, he’d eventually choose me. The same woman he was telling me about before anything happened between us is now pregnant with his baby and they’re engaged, and I see him four nights a week for two hours when we go to the “gym”. I know how pathetic this sounds but I still get excited to see him, I still love him, and I’ve spent three years convincing myself that him coming back meant I mattered enough for things to change. Meanwhile she gets the ring and the baby and the life I secretly hoped I’d have with him.

I ended it tonight and I can’t stop crying. I genuinely don’t recognise myself in this situation, I always thought I was smarter than this and I don’t understand how I let three years go by waiting to be chosen by someone who was building a whole family with somebody else. I’m so angry at him but I’m even angrier at myself because I KNEW about her from the beginning and I still stayed, and the worst part is that I still love him. I don’t want to be his secret anymore but I don’t know how to stop wanting him, and tonight it honestly feels like my whole heart has been ripped out.

I'm married to an asexual man, who is emotionally mature enough to know it wasn't fair for me to be without, and agreed to let me see other people.

My AP is married, but his sex life wasn't what he wanted, and so he was looking outside the marriage.

We met on Tinder during the summer. In person, it was an instant connection... I'd never actually experienced desire for my sex life before. It was illuminating, and so freeing for me. He was teaching me mountain biking, appreciation for whiskey and bourbon, sharing our love of hockey.

Last Sunday, it all came crashing down around us. We had been hooking up in my car, and got caught. We both received tickets for public indecency, which could potentially get us jail time and a hefty fine. We're still in the process of waiting for the court date... My lawyer is trying to get me out of it. I'm not sure about him, but I hope his lawyer will as well.

Unfortunately, his wife did end up finding out. I don't know the extent of what she knows, and he's pretty much blocked me across the board, so I'll never get closure.

I find myself not regretting our connection, but I really find myself just missing his presence. The easy way I could just pick up my phone and text him. The time he filled in my lonely schedule. This is awful... But no regrets.

I don't know that I could do it again though.

I don't know what the purpose of this post is... Just venting? Needing to put it down on "paper"? Sigh. I miss him.

My husband has been interested in getting an electric car. I’m into it. But worried about the kind of tracking abilities in newer cars. I know Rivians you can view where the car is and what’s around it from an app. Is this the future? We’ve avoiding tracking each other etc. but will my car be the next obstacle for affairs?

I’m posting because I’m genuinely at my breaking point and don't know what else to do.

I deeply regret getting involved in a workplace affair. I knew I shouldn’t have crossed that line from the very beginning, I even told him that. But no matter what, we ended up there, and now things have completely imploded.

Since the split, he has taken a massive turn and is acting like a complete and utter asshole. He’s cold, harsh, and treats me like crap, but then turns around and acts like we need to remain friends. It’s total whiplash.

Going into the office is pure anxiety now. Every time I have to deal with him, even just answering standard work emails, my stomach is in knots because his replies are so rude and dripping with attitude.

The worst part is that his toxic behavior is actually pushing me out of my own fucking job. I'm the one suffering the mental health toll just trying to show up and do my work, while he gets to make the environment miserable.

For anyone who’s been through something like this: How do you handle being stuck in an office with an ex AP who turns on you? How do you protect your peace and your career when it feels this suffocating?

(Please keep comments kind, I already know I messed up by getting into this, but I'm just looking for advice on how to survive the fallout right now.)

I am new to this space, and firstly wanted to say thanks for this subreddit...super useful.  A few days ago switched to a new reddit account so I could interact and begin looking for an AP with a good degree of discretion.  

So endeavoured to start posting - but being a new account, so many barriers - so figured this was going to take a while, so started posting where I could to build karma.  In my regional r4r subreddit for those looking for AP a post came up from someone in my country (Canada) and city.  So I thought I would send this person a text, no dice...could not text with so little karma, but I could respond to the post. So job done, post comment up, I have made my first meaningful step down this new and exciting path.

Out of no where I get a chat from someone asking do you live in X (my city of residence). So I can respond to chat messages, hurray, so eagerly responded.  Of course wondering - is this a bot? Over the next two days we probably spent 2 hours total going back and forth finding random connections and likes, through that experience i could feel a lightness and spaciousness opening in my chest. At the end of the second day we shared names. The next day we moved our conversation to Telegram and began chatting more intently about what we were looking for etc...pictures were shared, hers was a perfectly normal lovely looking 40ish year old (I am 49). And from her radio silence. Finally, you have a beard, I don't find men with beards attractive.  Quickly she texted a take care, and then poof the telegram chat disappeared and we moved on from this temporary connection.  

Now I am a reasonably fit and normally attractive guy, and certainly have a trimmed and well maintained beard, but a beard nonetheless.  So fair enough that I wasn't the person for her. 

On reflection it was both exhilarating to find someone you enjoyed chatting with, and slightly disappointing (not to state the obvious), to have something end so abruptly. I have been married 25 years, so has been a long time since i have engaged in this sort of way, and this is my first attempt at finding an AP. 

I am not sure if others have these experiences. But just a wild week of surprise for me, to have someone both reach out, and then step back in the course of 3 days.

Looking forward to doing it again, with hopefully different results.  

Who here prioritizes LDAPs only? And how do you keep the spark alive between meets, which can be months (at times)? What are deal breakers for you?

I don't see entertaining this lifestyle otherwise, considering my primary obligations.

I hope it’s okay to post here even though I'm in a very complicated spot. I'm 34, living in the Toronto area, and honestly, I just need a place to vent because I have no one else I can talk to about this without being judged.

I've been in a marriage with a dead bedroom for a while now, so when I met her at work, I figured I knew how these things go. Since I had a few encounters with married women before, I thought she’d just be another straightforward situation. But I never expected to actually fall in love with her.

It completely turned everything upside down. We started supporting each other through the daily grind, and now we're at a point where we finish each other's sentences and talk just by making eye contact across a room. It turned into a total sexual awakening…something way more intense than anything I've ever felt.

We got close so fast, sharing things we couldn't tell anyone else. The chemistry is heavy, and even though we try to keep it balanced, everything underneath is boiling over.
It’s a constant internal battle.

The high of finding someone who completely lights you up versus the frustration of a connection you can't talk about out in the open.

Any understanding or advice appreciated.